In a piece on the "50 All-time Greatest Americans," Maxim had a few gems amid some otherwise questionable calls.
[b]#31: Chuck Yeager[/b]
The first man to reach mach speed had gunned down 13 Nazi planes by the time he was 23. To this day the sound of his balls clanging together heralds his every approach.
[b]#27: George Washington[/b]
Invented the US Army. Still fronts the currency the rest of the world beats off to at night.
[b]#23: Jimi Hendrix[/b]
Hippie god was an Army paratrooper. (101st)
[b]#21: Jesse Owens[/b]
Did everything but fist Hitler at the 1936 Olympics by copping four gold medals in a single day.
[b]#9: Ted Williams[/b]
Teddy Ballgame fought in WWII and Korea(Marine Aviator), had a lifetime batting average of .344, and retired to catch more fish than Moby Dick.
[b]#5: The Passengers of United Flight 93[/b]
No one knows for sure what happened aboard that plane on September 11th, but you can bet your ass such unlikely heroes as a rugby jock, high school quarterback and judo champ introduced the horse-dicked sodomy ring of hell to the f*ckwads who thought they were on a one-way trip to paradise via Washington, D.C. Those brave passengers saved the nation's capital.
[b]#1: General George S. Patton, Jr.[/b]
Stomping on Rommel's dick all the way across Africa, he told his boys, "We wont just shoot the bastards, but rip out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks." Still doesn't give a rat's ass what you think about his slapping around malaria-stricken soldiers (wrong, he was a "battlefield fatigue" case), or that you don't believe he could've taken Russia with 10 tanks, two baseball bats and a case of Schlitz.