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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:16:03 PM EDT
[#1]
Meh, hire a laborer or local high school kid or neighbor.
Drop the “kid” off of everything you pay for him. There’s a lesson here. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:17:03 PM EDT
[#2]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Nickel_Plated: You know, just put a lighter to their pantleg while they're not paying attention and watch them dance around for a while. That’s kinda what I was picturing actually. I may need to try this on my brother. He always falls asleep in his chair when we’re watching a movie or something. |
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FL, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:17:19 PM EDT
[#3]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Yes, me too, but we can do it, it will be quicker (and safer for my husband) with my youngest help. I can't go up and down ladders. My oldest will help but with his autism, he struggles with directions. So to be clear, its not your super autistic son who wont help, but some other asshole son, correct? Without knowing his history in terms of how he treats his parents, id be hesitant to just drop him from stuff. Final exams are insanely stressful, on top of any end of the semester projects or capstones. It took losing my mom when I was 22 to realize I should probably stop being an asshole to my parents. Now Id drop anything to help my dad out, if he needed it. Unless it was something really stupid… then id probably bitch about helping, but still help. Does the rental property currently have tenets who could help for a mild break on rent? |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:17:40 PM EDT
[#4]
Talk to him. Let him know you/step dad needs help. If help isn’t given, ask why not. He’s an adult, treat him as such. If he behaves in a way you don’t like, maybe it’s time for him to really see how much you do for him by cutting all funds. Just be prepared for an outcome that you may not like.
I went through this with my parents. I helped 100% of the time when I lived at home, no matter what was happening in my life. I helped where I could when asked when I didn’t live there. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:18:09 PM EDT
[#5]
I always helped my parents and uncles/aunts when they ask for it even when it was hard for me to do so.
Tell him to man up and help. |
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CT, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:18:17 PM EDT
[#6]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Union Pacific can be a bitch to its employees. He was out of work for 10 months as he ruptured his bicep at work and it took 10 months of non use to heal. He wasn't paid while he was off work. Last fall we did get his pay in his medical settlement. That's crazy He should have been paid workers comp weekly that time he was out of work . |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:18:47 PM EDT
[#7]
Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. That being said, after all this is over, I think it's time for you to invite your boy to dinner (at a resturant, not your home), and sit down openly and honestly and tell him how you feel. Then ask for his honest feelings too. You guys are harboring some underlying animocity towards each other and behaving childishly in a joint manner. Need to clear the air and find out why. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:19:12 PM EDT
[Last Edit: PabloMcGlock]
[#8]
Tell him you had to hire someone to fix the roof and as a result can no longer afford his car and health insurance. He is a grown ass man why tf are you paying for these things in the first place? My apologies for being gruff but fuck that lazy self centered bastard. I’m 52 and would help my parents however they needed. My sons 19, 21, and 11 would do the same for me.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:19:38 PM EDT
[#9]
My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. |
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SC, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:19:52 PM EDT
[#10]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 556_Chowder: He’s a grown 25-year-old adult. Stop providing things for him. This. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:21:45 PM EDT
[#11]
Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us Hire out the work to do what your son refuses to do and use his car and health insurance premiums to pay the hired help. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:22:09 PM EDT
[Last Edit: HourOfAngle]
[#12]
Son has a life of his own. Finals week I would have told you to hire someone to fix YOUR rental property. I'm not your helper. Your rental have plans to take care of it. Let him pay for his stuff and take care of his life.
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SGP
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:23:25 PM EDT
[Last Edit: odiedodi]
[#13]
That's tough. By 25 he ought to know better. I try to help my parents as much as possible, not only because it's the right thing to do, but because I understand that one day I'll likely inherit the house, and even if it ends up being a situation where they or I have to sell it to pay for their end of life expenses, I at least want to keep it in good condition to get the maximum amount of money out of it with which to do so.
If he doesn't already understand that at his age, it might be hard to teach him. You could threaten to cut his insurance, or just outright cut his insurance, but that might not accomplish much except make him mad at you guys, which could be fine if he's that ungrateful, but it also wouldn't get you guys any closer to getting help for the home. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:24:11 PM EDT
[#14]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By HourOfAngle: Son has a life of his own. Finals week I would have told you to hire someone to fix YOUR rental property. I'm not your helper. Your rental have plans to take care of it. Let him pay for his stuff and take care of his life. Then I’d tell you to pay your own bills, big man. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:24:24 PM EDT
[#15]
Solution to the roof problem: Go to the local labor depot (7/11 or home depot) and hire some cheap help for the day. Fix roof. You can even tell son you cannot afford to pay for his car insurance since you are having to hire help for the roof.
Solution to son issue: Good luck. My step son* would be pissed if I did not call him if I needed help. He realizes and appreciates all the things that we have done for him his entire life. * I hate the term step son as my (not biological) son is truly 100% mine in every other way. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:25:07 PM EDT
[#16]
Who's paying for his college? If it's you and your husband, do you want him to fail after all that you've paid for?
A day laborer is monumentaly cheaper than a college education. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:26:12 PM EDT
[#17]
Hey son.....we can't afford to pay your car insurance as we needed the money to hire a guy to help your step father fix the roof since you wouldn't help.....
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AZ, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:27:00 PM EDT
[#18]
In before title change.......
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:28:12 PM EDT
[#19]
Stop paying for a 25 year olds stuff.
Don’t expect someone to take time out of what is probably the most important week of their life so far to come fix a roof. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:28:29 PM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that's insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:28:56 PM EDT
[#21]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 7point62: It doesn't sound like it is the son. Hanging things over ones head to get them to do the things you want exactly when you want them is a dick move. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:29:19 PM EDT
[#22]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. This |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:30:15 PM EDT
[#23]
He's.an asshole. I did anything my parents asked and often without them asking. About the only time they had to call anybody out for anything was for central air-conditioning work if we couldn't figure it out, new roof. or for something like gutters. Plumbing, car repairs, plumbing, electical, etc, my brother and I we did it all until they passed.
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OH, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:30:32 PM EDT
[#24]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By MrMackey: You pay the bills for a 25 year old? Jesus. It's one thing to help, and it's another for it to be an expectation. Unfortunately OP raised an ungrateful asshole by spoiling him (and sparing the proverbial rod). Any correction now will have to prove to be exponentially painful. Mumble mumble modern parenting mumble mumble. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:30:57 PM EDT
[#25]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Stlrain0341: How often do you ask him to help out with little things? If he's working full time and getting an engineering degree yikes. Possible that you underestimate how much work he's doing and how much stress he's under? Or you overestimate how much value you're providing paying for his insurance? Did you convey the importance of him helping out and why? He could just not understand why it's so critical for him to do it. Poor communication is almost always the root cause of conflicts. Or he's just an asshole, in which case trying to guilt him into helping probably isn't going to make things better. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Stlrain0341: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By Miles_Urbanus: Just to clarify you haven't asked him to help get but are pretty sure he won't help this time? eta: I see he said no. How about after testing? He's just being an immature shit. How often do you ask him to help out with little things? If he's working full time and getting an engineering degree yikes. Possible that you underestimate how much work he's doing and how much stress he's under? Or you overestimate how much value you're providing paying for his insurance? Did you convey the importance of him helping out and why? He could just not understand why it's so critical for him to do it. Poor communication is almost always the root cause of conflicts. Or he's just an asshole, in which case trying to guilt him into helping probably isn't going to make things better. |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:31:30 PM EDT
[#26]
Typical GD logic.
If you're over 15 , you're an adult and need to fend for yourself... Unless you have kids, then they OWE you their time till the day you die? There are two sides to every story. I could 100% see my mother or MIL jumping on a message board (My MIL does it on Quora years after we stopped any contact with her) to bitch about things, and people would dogpile on, the same as here. "Damn ungrateful children" Two huge examples are my mom lives across the country, she chose to stay in her hometown when both her sons left, and her and dad divorced. Twice I have used my own time and money to move here to TX. Twice she ended up hating it and running back to her hometown. My wife will be talking to her, and she'll complain that she'd move to TX but has no one to help her. The first time I moved her, I go to her house and had to pack it 100% on my own. Does no one find it crazy to ask an adult, who is in college fulltime, and working, to drive and hour, for an hour or two of work, when there are at least three other adults there (Mom, Dad, other son) to do the work. There is a lot here not being said. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:31:44 PM EDT
[#27]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By HourOfAngle: Son has a life of his own. Finals week I would have told you to hire someone to fix YOUR rental property. I'm not your helper. Your rental have plans to take care of it. Let him pay for his stuff and take care of his life. Well, I guess your Son finally found your account!  This is probably how he feels. You need to explain to him the concept of Family and legacy wealth. Once you are Out, you can never get back in. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:32:04 PM EDT
[Last Edit: WDEagle]
[#28]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By snakesausage: I have two in college and this is the way I see it. This is a critical time in college that requires 100% focus for the last couple of weeks. I would either wait until finals are over or put out an APB on social media for some high school dude to help for spending money. Or just hire a professional to fix the roof. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By snakesausage: I have two in college and this is the way I see it. This is a critical time in college that requires 100% focus for the last couple of weeks. I would either wait until finals are over or put out an APB on social media for some high school dude to help for spending money. Or just hire a professional to fix the roof. What part of My son said he wouldn't be able to help until after finals. He works full time as well as goes to school so this was understandable. We made the date for the roofing for May 4th. He is now saying he isn't going to be available to help. don't you understand? |
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FL, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:32:49 PM EDT
[#29]
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:33:40 PM EDT
[#30]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: When I asked him to help out more around the house two years ago and he moved out-I did give him an ultimatum. I needed help, my husband couldn't help me and really the help I asked of him was pretty simple: I asked him to feed the animals and five the wood stove while I was traveling for work. He said he would do anything I asked of him but he wouldn't take responsibility for anything. I didn't want to have to tell him every night to feed the dogs or fill the stove. I told him that it was expected of him to live with us so he moved back in with his dad. He commuted to work and school an hour each way, which was easier than taking the responsibility of feeding the dog and stove.  |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:34:32 PM EDT
[#31]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By MrMackey: You pay the bills for a 25 year old? Jesus. This is part of the problem. 25 years old is well past the time for complete financial independence. Time for him to be an adult. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:34:52 PM EDT
[Last Edit: Michaelson]
[#32]
Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us @QueenDeNile If he works and goes to school AND is in finals week AND lives an hour away, it seems unreasonable to expect him to come patch a roof during all that. Have husband grab a buddy or have a roofer patch the roof. This isn't the hill to fight this particular battle. That said, I was an inconsiderate shithead in my younger years and it took me until my 30's for my perspective to shift from "Independent as fuck and doing my own thing" and toward a more family centric mindset. I'm glad my grandparents had patience with me. Keep him close and don't let small stuff separate y'all. Fighting unnecessary fights could end up in a long period of not talking, eapecially if pride gets involved. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:35:05 PM EDT
[#33]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AndyandKevinsux: So to be clear, its not your super autistic son who wont help, but some other asshole son, correct? Without knowing his history in terms of how he treats his parents, id be hesitant to just drop him from stuff. Final exams are insanely stressful, on top of any end of the semester projects or capstones. It took losing my mom when I was 22 to realize I should probably stop being an asshole to my parents. Now Id drop anything to help my dad out, if he needed it. Unless it was something really stupid then id probably bitch about helping, but still help. Does the rental property currently have tenets who could help for a mild break on rent? Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AndyandKevinsux: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Yes, me too, but we can do it, it will be quicker (and safer for my husband) with my youngest help. I can't go up and down ladders. My oldest will help but with his autism, he struggles with directions. So to be clear, its not your super autistic son who wont help, but some other asshole son, correct? Without knowing his history in terms of how he treats his parents, id be hesitant to just drop him from stuff. Final exams are insanely stressful, on top of any end of the semester projects or capstones. It took losing my mom when I was 22 to realize I should probably stop being an asshole to my parents. Now Id drop anything to help my dad out, if he needed it. Unless it was something really stupid then id probably bitch about helping, but still help. Does the rental property currently have tenets who could help for a mild break on rent? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:38:01 PM EDT
[#34]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: I still don't really know, all I know is that the railroad has their own retirement (no social security) and workman's comp. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By LV1976: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By ranging-by-zipcode: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us does not compute ? He was working for railroad and was injured at work That doesn't make sense Don't mean to derail (unintentional train pun) but how was this not a worker's comp situation? Railroads don't have "Worker's Comp", they have FELA. Hopefully OP and her husband consulted an attorney, it is pretty normal to have to get one to convince the RR to pay out a FELA claim for an on duty injury. https://www.felaattorney.com/faqs As far as the kid goes, I would just accept that he is how he is at this point. Tell him that you need the $200/mo it's going to save you, to hire someone to pitch shingles on the roof and help out around the house so dad can rest his arm, and give him a written 30 day notice that he's coming off your auto and health insurance. Then take him off and put that money into a "household help" fund. With a torn bicep, dude needs to be resting that shit. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:38:59 PM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 7point62: It doesn't sound like it is the son. Hanging things over ones head to get them to do the things you want exactly when you want them is a dick move. She didn't say that they provided the assistance with a contingency attached. You are assuming that. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:39:26 PM EDT
[#36]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Austin4130: Meh, hire a laborer or local high school kid or neighbor. Drop the “kid” off of everything you pay for him. There’s a lesson here. Exactly. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:40:14 PM EDT
[#37]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. This. Seriously WTF. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:40:48 PM EDT
[#38]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Low_Country: “Son, I understand you are busy. But it would really mean a lot to me and your step dad if you could find time to help. We’d also love to see you.” This, and if he doesn’t respond well to that stop paying for his shit. He’s old enough to realize he can’t only take from every relationship. I’m 38 and still jump to help my mom whenever she needs something, and we don’t even have a great relationship growing up, in fact it was pretty bad. |
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CO, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:40:59 PM EDT
[#39]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AndyandKevinsux: Final exams are insanely stressful, on top of any end of the semester projects or capstones. Finals ...at age 25, while living at home. Oh, the stress of it all  |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:41:25 PM EDT
[#40]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Sethelarian: Typical GD logic. If you're over 15 , you're an adult and need to fend for yourself... Unless you have kids, then they OWE you their time till the day you die? There are two sides to every story. I could 100% see my mother or MIL jumping on a message board (My MIL does it on Quora years after we stopped any contact with her) to bitch about things, and people would dogpile on, the same as here. "Damn ungrateful children" Two huge examples are my mom lives across the country, she chose to stay in her hometown when both her sons left, and her and dad divorced. Twice I have used my own time and money to move here to TX. Twice she ended up hating it and running back to her hometown. My wife will be talking to her, and she'll complain that she'd move to TX but has no one to help her. The first time I moved her, I go to her house and had to pack it 100% on my own. Does no one find it crazy to ask an adult, who is in college fulltime, and working, to drive and hour, for an hour or two of work, when there are at least three other adults there (Mom, Dad, other son) to do the work. There is a lot here not being said. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:43:53 PM EDT
[#41]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By dyezak: Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. That being said, after all this is over, I think it's time for you to invite your boy to dinner (at a resturant, not your home), and sit down openly and honestly and tell him how you feel. Then ask for his honest feelings too. You guys are harboring some underlying animocity towards each other and behaving childishly in a joint manner. Need to clear the air and find out why. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By dyezak: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. That being said, after all this is over, I think it's time for you to invite your boy to dinner (at a resturant, not your home), and sit down openly and honestly and tell him how you feel. Then ask for his honest feelings too. You guys are harboring some underlying animocity towards each other and behaving childishly in a joint manner. Need to clear the air and find out why. For one, her husband is not the kids' dad. He's stepdad. Step parents are rarely accepted by kids the way bio parents are, and that is probably a thread that runs through the whole dynamic. I told my stepkids on day one, "I'm not your dad, I don't want to replace your dad. Your relationship with your dad is your business, and our relationship just needs to have basic respect. Beyond that it can be whatever you want it to be". My wife on the other hand was pretty hard on them, on the rare occasions when they were disrespectful to me she told them a couple times, drill sgt style, that was not acceptable. She would remind them of all the things I did for our family, and tell them in no uncertain terms at about 120dB that they were to treat me with respect. It worked, but, as adults one kid really likes me and the other not so much. It's just a difficult dynamic. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:44:07 PM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Michaelson: @QueenDeNile If he works and goes to school AND is in finals week AND lives an hour away, it seems unreasonable to expect him to come patch a roof during all that. Have husband grab a buddy or have a roofer patch the roof. This isn't the hill to fight this particular battle. That said, I was an inconsiderate shithead in my younger years and it took me until my 30's for my perspective to shift from "Independent as fuck and doing my own thing" and toward a more family centric mindset. I'm glad my grandparents had patience with me. Keep him close and don't let small stuff separate y'all. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:45:04 PM EDT
[#43]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By hatidua: Finals ...at age 25, while living at home. Oh, the stress of it all He doesn't live at home. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:46:10 PM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. This. I’d cut him some slack during finals. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:47:28 PM EDT
[#45]
Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us Is he studying for finals? Yes/no? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:48:09 PM EDT
[#46]
The boy worked two years to pay for his school.
Still works and goes to school. You're asking him to drive two hours to work for free on something you're making money off of. Yes, you shouldn't be paying for his insurance. Yes you're being unreasonable. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:49:38 PM EDT
[#47]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By TheKill: For one, her husband is not the kids' dad. He's stepdad. Step parents are rarely accepted by kids the way bio parents are, and that is probably a thread that runs through the whole dynamic. I told my stepkids on day one, "I'm not your dad, I don't want to replace your dad. Your relationship with your dad is your business, and our relationship just needs to have basic respect. Beyond that it can be whatever you want it to be". My wife on the other hand was pretty hard on them, on the rare occasions when they were disrespectful to me she told them a couple times, drill sgt style, that was not acceptable. She would remind them of all the things I did for our family, and tell them in no uncertain terms at about 120dB that they were to treat me with respect. It worked, but, as adults one kid really likes me and the other not so much. It's just a difficult dynamic. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By TheKill: Originally Posted By dyezak: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. That being said, after all this is over, I think it's time for you to invite your boy to dinner (at a resturant, not your home), and sit down openly and honestly and tell him how you feel. Then ask for his honest feelings too. You guys are harboring some underlying animocity towards each other and behaving childishly in a joint manner. Need to clear the air and find out why. For one, her husband is not the kids' dad. He's stepdad. Step parents are rarely accepted by kids the way bio parents are, and that is probably a thread that runs through the whole dynamic. I told my stepkids on day one, "I'm not your dad, I don't want to replace your dad. Your relationship with your dad is your business, and our relationship just needs to have basic respect. Beyond that it can be whatever you want it to be". My wife on the other hand was pretty hard on them, on the rare occasions when they were disrespectful to me she told them a couple times, drill sgt style, that was not acceptable. She would remind them of all the things I did for our family, and tell them in no uncertain terms at about 120dB that they were to treat me with respect. It worked, but, as adults one kid really likes me and the other not so much. It's just a difficult dynamic. ). I don't like the I do this for you, you do this for me mentality, I want a son that does the right thing. That will probably take some maturity on his part.
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NY, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:50:35 PM EDT
[#48]
My son is 25 and in his last semester of college. I wouldn't think of asking him to help with anything now that it's Finals week.
We've been paying most of his bills but he has his own apartment starting next weekend and graduates two weeks after that and starts his job in September. When he starts his job he begins paying his own Healthcare and car insurance. He'll be footing his apartment rent on his own. We've been paying his college as a 0% loan. He got his Bachelors degrees debt free. My point is, each kid and situation are different. You can get opinions here, but bottom line is that you'll have to trust your gut. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:51:09 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Bogdan: Is he studying for finals? Yes/no? Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Bogdan: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us Is he studying for finals? Yes/no? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:53:36 PM EDT
[Last Edit: WDEagle]
[#50]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Thank you, I do think you're right. He comes by all of the time (spends a few weekends a month with me just to visit) so I don't feel like I'm asking too much of him but I think he has had a good role modeling of helping his family. He is young and obstinate at the moment. I've learned that one of the easiest ways to get disappointed in life is to expect others to think and do exactly as you do. You are almost guaranteed to be disappointed. That is what you are doing in this situation. Your son did not feel the obligation or need to help you out. That's just him. Wanting him to do or act differently is just not going to happen at this point in his life. I agree with you that he should gladly help after finals (which he now is doing) but he is the one with the ultimate say in this. That plus your problem (roof) is not his as he did not sign up to maintain rental property, you did. I know most won't agree with me on this part but ... Click To View Spoiler |
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