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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:54:09 PM EDT
[#1]
Too many old people on here that don't remember what it was like being mid 20s and busy as hell with school/work and saying to just cut the kid off and other mean shit.
I see a lot of threads on here by guys saying they no longer have a relationship or contact with their "asshole kids".....wonder why |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:54:41 PM EDT
[#2]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Mech2007: My son is 25 and in his last semester of college. I wouldn't think of asking him to help with anything now that it's Finals week. We've been paying most of his bills but he has his own apartment starting next weekend and graduates two weeks after that and starts his job in September. When he starts his job he begins paying his own Healthcare and car insurance. He'll be footing his apartment rent on his own. We've been paying his college as a 0% loan. He got his Bachelors degrees debt free. My point is, each kid and situation are different. You can get opinions here, but bottom line is that you'll have to trust your gut. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:55:51 PM EDT
[#3]
I’ve seen enough of your posts to automatically think your son is in the right.
You could pay a guy 100 bucks to help but instead are creating family drama. Sounds smart. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:56:29 PM EDT
[Last Edit: HecklerKac]
[#4]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AeroEngineer: This is part of the problem. 25 years old is well past the time for complete financial independence. Time for him to be an adult. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AeroEngineer: Originally Posted By MrMackey: You pay the bills for a 25 year old? Jesus. This is part of the problem. 25 years old is well past the time for complete financial independence. Time for him to be an adult. The guy is in school and works full time. Shit is way more expensive than it was even a couple years ago....nothing wrong with helping your kids. So many on here are out of touch with reality lmao |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:57:18 PM EDT
[#5]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By WDEagle: I've learned that one of the easiest ways to get disappointed in life is to expect others to think and do exactly as you do. You are almost guaranteed to be disappointed. That is what you are doing in this situation. Your son did not feel the obligation or need to help you out. That's just him. Wanting him to do or act differently is just not going to happen at this point in his life. I agree with you that he should gladly help (after finals) but he is the one with the ultimate say in this. That plus your problem (roof) is not his as he did not sign up to maintain rental property, you did. I know most won't agree with me on this parts but ... Click To View Spoiler Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By WDEagle: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Thank you, I do think you're right. He comes by all of the time (spends a few weekends a month with me just to visit) so I don't feel like I'm asking too much of him but I think he has had a good role modeling of helping his family. He is young and obstinate at the moment. I've learned that one of the easiest ways to get disappointed in life is to expect others to think and do exactly as you do. You are almost guaranteed to be disappointed. That is what you are doing in this situation. Your son did not feel the obligation or need to help you out. That's just him. Wanting him to do or act differently is just not going to happen at this point in his life. I agree with you that he should gladly help (after finals) but he is the one with the ultimate say in this. That plus your problem (roof) is not his as he did not sign up to maintain rental property, you did. I know most won't agree with me on this parts but ... Click To View Spoiler |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:57:23 PM EDT
[#6]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Michaelson: @QueenDeNile If he works and goes to school AND is in finals week AND lives an hour away, it seems unreasonable to expect him to come patch a roof during all that. Have husband grab a buddy or have a roofer patch the roof. This isn't the hill to fight this particular battle. That said, I was an inconsiderate shithead in my younger years and it took me until my 30's for my perspective to shift from "Independent as fuck and doing my own thing" and toward a more family centric mindset. I'm glad my grandparents had patience with me. Keep him close and don't let small stuff separate y'all. Fighting unnecessary fights could end up in a long period of not talking, eapecially if pride gets involved. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Michaelson: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us @QueenDeNile If he works and goes to school AND is in finals week AND lives an hour away, it seems unreasonable to expect him to come patch a roof during all that. Have husband grab a buddy or have a roofer patch the roof. This isn't the hill to fight this particular battle. That said, I was an inconsiderate shithead in my younger years and it took me until my 30's for my perspective to shift from "Independent as fuck and doing my own thing" and toward a more family centric mindset. I'm glad my grandparents had patience with me. Keep him close and don't let small stuff separate y'all. Fighting unnecessary fights could end up in a long period of not talking, eapecially if pride gets involved. This is the best post in the thread |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:57:57 PM EDT
[#7]
It's after his finals. He doesn't have any excuse. Stop paying for anything that you're paying for. The man-child needs to learn a lesson.
My parents asked me to do anything I would be there. And always was. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:58:59 PM EDT
[#8]
Expectation is the mother of disappointment.
At some level you just need to handle shit. In this case, hire some help so hubby doesn't fuck up his arm worse. Let the issue with the kid go. If you need the cash for hiring some help, quit providing the insurance. Keep an open mind, and let go of the expectations. Keeping in mind that the healthiest attitude focuses on what YOU can do, and that you can only change YOU and how YOU do things.........that's probably the lowest stress and most mature way to handle it on your end. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:59:37 PM EDT
[#9]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By G3k: I've seen enough of your posts to automatically think your son is in the right. You could pay a guy 100 bucks to help but instead are creating family drama. Sounds smart. |
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OH, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 2:59:54 PM EDT
[#10]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By TheLookingGlass: You need to pee on him to establish dominance and show him who is boss. I've seen similar documentaries. would recommend. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:01:10 PM EDT
[#11]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By TheKill: Expectation is the mother of disappointment. More succinct way of saying what I posted above. |
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UT, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:02:15 PM EDT
[#12]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. I’m going with this^^^^ He’s got stuff on his mind. But it sounds like he’s been a turd when he’s asked to help. I’m not sure what you can do in the meantime. Do you have a church? Maybe find some friends there to help? Neighbors? But once he’s done with his finals I would let him know the free ride is over in 30-90 days or whatever you decide. Get your own insurance.. If he can’t lend a little hand, he doesn’t need your help either. |
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MT, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:02:50 PM EDT
[#13]
Let him study. Don't hold his education and future hostage for some menial labor.
Jesus what an asshole thing to do. Is he your son or your employee? |
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FL, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:05:24 PM EDT
[#14]
The kid does not want to help and the husband if out on work injury should not be doing manual labor. Son is 25 let him live his life, but let him know helping family is a two way street.
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MO, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:06:04 PM EDT
[#15]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By dyezak: Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. Sounds more like its "step" thing. And, likely your son does not think much of his step dad. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:08:58 PM EDT
[#16]
He’s trying to finish his school and you want him to help with repairs on your side income stream?
Maybe he’s read the book boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and waiting for you to read it too? Leave him alone. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:10:19 PM EDT
[#17]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By sprtpilot: Sounds more like its "step" thing. And, likely your son does not think much of his step dad. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By sprtpilot: Originally Posted By dyezak: Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. Sounds more like its "step" thing. And, likely your son does not think much of his step dad. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:13:46 PM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. This |
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MT, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:15:49 PM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: My son doesn't have a problem with his step dad. I probably have an expectation problem. I expect him to help out. He would probably visit if I hadn't asked him to help us so it isn't a burden to him to come and help. He just doesn't want to help. He sees things differently than I do. I drove home while I was in college to help my grandfather seed during hunting season. I felt it was a family duty. I probably have an extra gene there on that regards. It was wrong of me to go back on my word of helping him with his insurance. I can't make him want to help us. I get that now (emphasis on now.). Your husband is hurt, how appropriate would it be if your son ask him to come over to help with moving or landscaping and then posted on the internet what an asshole he is if he doesn't? It's not your son, it's the timing of the request. It's you. |
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AL, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:19:39 PM EDT
[#20]
I'd likely continue to pay both. Would likely let him take over car insurance thirty-sixty days after he graduates and stay on health insurance as long as it doesn't cost you anything extra.
If you promised to pay his car insurance before he graduates and cancel it now it could create tension you're likely to regret later. My oldest (step)daughter was in her late twenties before she really began to appreciate her situation when she was with us. Be the bigger person and maybe they will later realize how big a jerk they were. You can shun them later if they don't mature. My dad died while I was young and if I could see him today I would thank him for everything he did for me, and apologize profusely for not showing appreciation at the time. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:24:31 PM EDT
[#21]
When helping stops in one direction, it stops in both.
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CO, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:28:10 PM EDT
[Last Edit: flynbenny]
[#22]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. This. I don't know what his major is, but finals were rough in my major, like hardcore physical and psychological stress. If he's anything like me he'll welcome some physical labor to take his mind off it while awaiting the results afterwards. Edit: he's an Aero Engineer, and straight A, and works, holy shit, he's got a lot on his plate. Be nice to him, he's going to take care of YOU one day with his yuge salary |
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GA, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:30:48 PM EDT
[#23]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Norinco982lover: He’s trying to finish his school and you want him to help with repairs on your side income stream? Maybe he’s read the book boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and waiting for you to read it too? Leave him alone. This right here. Kick the entitled millennial off the car insurance, and set some boundaries. Use the future savings realized from the lower insurance premiums to hire a professional to fix the leaky roof. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:31:56 PM EDT
[#24]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Union Pacific can be a bitch to its employees. He was out of work for 10 months as he ruptured his bicep at work and it took 10 months of non use to heal. He wasn't paid while he was off work. Last fall we did get his pay in his medical settlement. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By ranging-by-zipcode: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us does not compute ? He was working for railroad and was injured at work That doesn't make sense Workman’s Comp? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:33:03 PM EDT
[#25]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Rem700PSS: I think the biggest problem here is that you think it's your son and not you. You're wrong, this is 99% you and 1% your son. Your husband is hurt, how appropriate would it be if your son ask him to come over to help with moving or landscaping and then posted on the internet what an asshole he is if he doesn't? It's not your son, it's the timing of the request. It's you. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Rem700PSS: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: My son doesn't have a problem with his step dad. I probably have an expectation problem. I expect him to help out. He would probably visit if I hadn't asked him to help us so it isn't a burden to him to come and help. He just doesn't want to help. He sees things differently than I do. I drove home while I was in college to help my grandfather seed during hunting season. I felt it was a family duty. I probably have an extra gene there on that regards. It was wrong of me to go back on my word of helping him with his insurance. I can't make him want to help us. I get that now (emphasis on now.). Your husband is hurt, how appropriate would it be if your son ask him to come over to help with moving or landscaping and then posted on the internet what an asshole he is if he doesn't? It's not your son, it's the timing of the request. It's you. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:33:10 PM EDT
[#26]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. +2 or 3 That’s insane. No, he should be focused on his finals. But you should also wean him off your auto insurance! |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:33:52 PM EDT
[#27]
That makes sense. Let’s jeopardize our child’s future by asking him to take a day during finals to help with manual labor. It might be time your husband displays some maturity and hire out the work he can’t perform to preserve his own business asset.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:36:13 PM EDT
[#28]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By C-4: Workman's Comp? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:37:12 PM EDT
[#29]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By bteamleader: That makes sense. Let's jeopardize our child's future by asking him to take a day during finals to help with manual labor. It might be time your husband displays some maturity and hire out the work he can't perform to preserve his own business asset. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:38:29 PM EDT
[#30]
Tell him no problem. You’ll use the funds you’ve been paying for his stuff with to hire some help.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:38:58 PM EDT
[#31]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By JohnfromHR: .Finals more important than your roof. If he won’t help after finals that’s a different issue. If your husband was injured at work at the railroad, how is that he’s able to do roofing? Probably with great difficulty. You've never worked hurt? |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:44:25 PM EDT
[Last Edit: JaredC1]
[#32]
Deleted. Never mind. Didn’t realize he wasn’t living at home.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:45:01 PM EDT
[#33]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. True. Having endured finals week during my undergraduate and graduate school years I must concur. After the semester is fully completed, that's a different story. And I've had jobs both through college and grad school. |
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AZ, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:45:28 PM EDT
[#34]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Thump_rrr: He has a week left for finals. That can be very stressful for many. Have you asked if he could help the following weekend? How about the other kids helping? This here. If he is a serious student taking what you might say is a few hours out of his study is VERY stressful to a serious student. From my experience when most anyone says a few hours it will end up as most of the day and he probably realizes that. I assume if he is 25 this is his doctorate which has been his goal for many years. You may think this is no threat but he takes this as a life or death threat to the rest of his life. I was an Electrical Engineering major and I graduated in the top couple percent in my class and that let me get the best, highest paying jobs right out of college. It made a HUGE difference in my life. If you ask him to help the weekend AFTER finals and he doesn't willingly help then cut him loose! |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:45:34 PM EDT
[#35]
He doesn't ask you for help, yet you are helping in ways he doesn't appreciate. I see it every day in that children these days have a sense of entitlement. I hear it from the guys at work. I overhear it in the grocery store. You are not alone in this predicament.
Ask him if he wants to start paying his way. Does he work or just attend college? I say if he doesn't want to help, then he should look for new digs. And for a 25 yoa to tell his parents, step or not, to fuck off would get some teeth knocked out in my house growing up. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:47:20 PM EDT
[#36]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Thank you, I do think you're right. He comes by all of the time (spends a few weekends a month with me just to visit) so I don't feel like I'm asking too much of him but I think he has had a good role modeling of helping his family. He is young and obstinate at the moment. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By Michaelson: @QueenDeNile If he works and goes to school AND is in finals week AND lives an hour away, it seems unreasonable to expect him to come patch a roof during all that. Have husband grab a buddy or have a roofer patch the roof. This isn't the hill to fight this particular battle. That said, I was an inconsiderate shithead in my younger years and it took me until my 30's for my perspective to shift from "Independent as fuck and doing my own thing" and toward a more family centric mindset. I'm glad my grandparents had patience with me. Keep him close and don't let small stuff separate y'all. I am wrong then. All along I was under the impression he was living at home. He has a right to tell you guys to kick rocks. He’s not free labor. If your rental isn’t making a profit enough to cover paying someone to fix roof then sell it. The fact that you’re still paying his insurance is something entirely separate |
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CA, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:54:10 PM EDT
[#37]
Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us You might not be able to drop him off your insurance. He is a relative and is presumed to have access to your vehicles. It could be tricky. Definitely run it by your agent. Has he always been like this or is he under the strain of of finals? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:54:23 PM EDT
[#38]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: My son doesn't have a problem with his step dad. I probably have an expectation problem. I expect him to help out. He would probably visit if I hadn't asked him to help us so it isn't a burden to him to come and help. He just doesn't want to help. He sees things differently than I do. I drove home while I was in college to help my grandfather seed during hunting season. I felt it was a family duty. I probably have an extra gene there on that regards. It was wrong of me to go back on my word of helping him with his insurance. I can't make him want to help us. I get that now (emphasis on now.). Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By sprtpilot: Originally Posted By dyezak: Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. Sounds more like its "step" thing. And, likely your son does not think much of his step dad. This isn't a judgment post but you said earlier you raised your kids to help their elderly parents. If you did then this thread wouldn't have been started. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:55:38 PM EDT
[#39]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By JaredC1: I am wrong then. All along I was under the impression he was living at home. He has a right to tell you guys to kick rocks. He's not free labor. If your rental isn't making a profit enough to cover paying someone to fix roof then sell it. The fact that you're still paying his insurance is something entirely separate Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By JaredC1: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By Michaelson: @QueenDeNile If he works and goes to school AND is in finals week AND lives an hour away, it seems unreasonable to expect him to come patch a roof during all that. Have husband grab a buddy or have a roofer patch the roof. This isn't the hill to fight this particular battle. That said, I was an inconsiderate shithead in my younger years and it took me until my 30's for my perspective to shift from "Independent as fuck and doing my own thing" and toward a more family centric mindset. I'm glad my grandparents had patience with me. Keep him close and don't let small stuff separate y'all. I am wrong then. All along I was under the impression he was living at home. He has a right to tell you guys to kick rocks. He's not free labor. If your rental isn't making a profit enough to cover paying someone to fix roof then sell it. The fact that you're still paying his insurance is something entirely separate |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:55:59 PM EDT
[#40]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 10mmillie: Tell him to help or pay his own way. If he says FU then drop him. Agreed. My oldest is alot younger, but he has a cell phone and a gym membership. Based on that alone, each month, he owes me. Not a dollar amount, but if I need help, he is helping. And being younger, I do have to remind him at times of these "extra" expenses. So I would simply tell your son, "we need help, and we help you regularly, so either help us out, or yea, the insurance is yours." If he doesn't get it from there, then you know you tried. Sometimes they need help opening their eyes on the obvious. I always tell people, including my children, this family thing is a team effort. We succeed together and we suffer together. Let's help each other succeed, and not suffer. Together that is 10x easier than going it alone. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:57:25 PM EDT
[Last Edit: QueenDeNile]
[#41]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By smarquez: You might not be able to drop him off your insurance. He is a relative and is presumed to have access to your vehicles. It could be tricky. Definitely run it by your agent. Has he always been like this or is he under the strain of of finals? Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By smarquez: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Hey lookin for advice. My son 25 is in the throws of finals week (will get done with finals Thursday.) I have asked him come help my husband patch the roof on our rental property and he is basically saying FU he doesn't want to help. Little background info: My husband is injured (work injury, shoulder-still fighting with the railroad as to what to do about it). Our rental house's roof leaks, husband just needs help from my sons to lift the stuff up onto the roof. Probably only take a couple of hours. My husband (son's step father) provides him with his insurance and we pay his car insurance. I also think kids should help their parents. My son has a history of saying FU when asked to help. In fairness he doesn't ask us for any help. We provided insurance for our other kids when they were in college. I do know he appreciates the health insurance. I think he often forgets about his car insurance. Two years ago my husband injured his shoulder at work and was out of work for 10 months. He also wasn't paid so I had to work two jobs and at the time cooked and did all the housework. I asked my son (who was living with us at the time) to help out more and he moved out (he was very angry that I would even ask.) I accept responsibility for my part in his creation. He grew up watching his dad care for his parents (he took care of both his parents--though he always acted like his mother was an idiot) and he watched me care for my grandfather. He is just selfish and inconsiderate. How would you handle this. My gut is to drop him off our car insurance. It doesn't cost us anymore to have him on our healthcare (my husband's benefits-not mine.) I don't see him changing - just being pissed off at it. TLDR: son won't help us You might not be able to drop him off your insurance. He is a relative and is presumed to have access to your vehicles. It could be tricky. Definitely run it by your agent. Has he always been like this or is he under the strain of of finals? |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 3:58:16 PM EDT
[Last Edit: QueenDeNile]
[#42]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 03RN: This isn't a judgment post but you said earlier you raised your kids to help their elderly parents. If you did then this thread wouldn't have been started Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 03RN: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By sprtpilot: Originally Posted By dyezak: Honestly I see this as an asshole's collide situation. The son's reaction is just as shitty as the mother's thought that she has the right to his time/life. Both of you are in the wrong here. Sounds more like its "step" thing. And, likely your son does not think much of his step dad. This isn't a judgment post but you said earlier you raised your kids to help their elderly parents. If you did then this thread wouldn't have been started @Dogsoldier03 that's exactly my thoughts. We're team family. |
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CA, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:02:37 PM EDT
[#43]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: I haven't asked anything of him since he moved out (summer of 22). I do understand that he is under a lot of stress. He gets straight As and I am very proud of the fact that he's fulfilling his dream and doing it debt free. When he has visited I have asked him to help me a few times (get hay down from the barn-load the bag of dog food into the dog's feeder) but I would have managed myself had he not been here. Ooh, tactical error. You should have put some conditions on his moving back in since that was the reason he moved out in the first place. Clean up after himself, grab a broom or shovel once in a while. Whatever. Bottom line, I don't see him helping. It doesn't sound like it's in his DNA. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:03:50 PM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By smarquez: Ooh, tactical error. You should have put some conditions on his moving back in since that was the reason he moved out in the first place. Clean up after himself, grab a broom or shovel once in a while. Whatever. Bottom line, I don't see him helping. It doesn't sound like it's in his DNA. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By smarquez: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: I haven't asked anything of him since he moved out (summer of 22). I do understand that he is under a lot of stress. He gets straight As and I am very proud of the fact that he's fulfilling his dream and doing it debt free. When he has visited I have asked him to help me a few times (get hay down from the barn-load the bag of dog food into the dog's feeder) but I would have managed myself had he not been here. Ooh, tactical error. You should have put some conditions on his moving back in since that was the reason he moved out in the first place. Clean up after himself, grab a broom or shovel once in a while. Whatever. Bottom line, I don't see him helping. It doesn't sound like it's in his DNA. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:08:15 PM EDT
[#45]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 10mmillie: Tell him to help or pay his own way. If he says FU then drop him. That is exactly what my parents would've done. You don't want to help us? Then we're not going to help you. That's a 2-way street. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:12:51 PM EDT
[#46]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Boy that's a load. Thanks. Not that I can influence you but my main concern is raising a good man. I believe a good man helps his parents when possible. If you think that's too much to ask, so be it. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By G3k: I've seen enough of your posts to automatically think your son is in the right. You could pay a guy 100 bucks to help but instead are creating family drama. Sounds smart. Growing up (1970's/80's) I always had to mow the yard. My sister is about 3 years younger. I lived at home till 23 and always mowed the damn yard. My sister ever have to mow the yard, even after I moved out? No. That is some sexist shit. I have two boys. They are 19 & 20 and I've never forced them to mow the yard. I mow the yard while they sleep or play video games. Why? Because I know if I had girls I would not make them mow the yard; I am not going to do the sexist shit that was done to me. We did not have kids to owe us payback for raising them. I don't expect them to do chores for me after they move out when (if) they come by to visit. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:12:56 PM EDT
[#47]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 556_Chowder: He’s a grown 25-year-old adult. Stop providing things for him. I was cut off from everything at 18. On my birthday my Dad gave me a card saying he was proud of who I had become and also a bill for rent dated for the following month. Expectations were set and I met them. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:28:46 PM EDT
[#48]
arfcom really needs a subforum for "toxic parents"
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:39:39 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Oh good lord-he will be done with school. I agree it would be unreasonable to consider during finals. Nobody reads anything, he agreed to help after finals, and has crawfished on that. |
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GA, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:46:45 PM EDT
[#50]
If your husbands shoulder is screwed up, a roof and extension ladders is not where he should be.
Hire it out. It may be cheaper in the long run. Us older folk don't heal back as well. No advice on your kid, other than now you know who you can rely on. "You can't choose your relatives" works in mysterious ways. |
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