Less than a month ago I experienced a reasonably traumatic experience of failing to save a drowning man. It messed with me the first night, but I had some closure after meeting the victim's family and receiving their kind words of encouragement and appreciation for my attempts.  I haven't thought about it much, nor shed a tear.

This past weekend my GF's friend was having a pool party at her apartment for her BDay. Everyone was hanging out and drinking/eating and I was the only adult in the pool. I was swimming laps and stopped at the side of the pool to catch a breath.

When I turned around to begin another freestyle lap, a toddler with a panicked look on his face is treading water and looking up at me, and I see a body on the bottom of the pool 3.5' deep. I looked for a second not realizing what I was seeing, waiting for the other child to bounce up off the bottom of the pool.

Well that didn't happen, and I grabbed the kids arm and yanked him up out of the pool. I pumped water out of this child's chest while his eyes were almost all white. He quickly came back around and started crying. My hands were on his chest I could still feel water being sloshed around and coughed up. He was shake and shocked, but alive.

I was too angry to even confront the babysitter. My GFs friend is so nonchalant saying "Damn Jon, you are just Mr. Superman" laughing and cracking jokes not even grasping the gravity of the situation.

I silently walked away and immediately told my GF that the experience really jacked me up. I don't know how to describe it, but all of the feelings of failure from Memorial Day shot through my mind.

Later on we're hanging back at their apartment with a larger group of friends and the girl brings up the story about me giving CPR to the kid at the pool. I understand she was just trying to share the experience, but all of the room's words of praise were like whispers and I just hung my head while she happily recounted the story, until I burst out crying. I haven't cried in a long time,l et alone surrounded by a group of peers at a party, but the thought of witnessing an innocent toddler's death due to the negligence of others was more than I could bear.


Fuck I really need to go talk to someone now...

Yes you should. No advice for you but good luck. You did the right thing both times.



 

"Fuck I really need to go talk to someone now..."



Good idea, you went through a lot in a short period of time.  That has to weigh on you.











And I remember the other thread.  You did the best anyone could do there too.  



 

Definitely DO go talk to someone as soon as you reasonably can.

My experience was similar in some respects.  Unfortunately I was seven years old, people didn't know what to say to me, and I didn't start getting professional help until I was 22.

It's normal for you to feel guilt for your "failure" even though it wasn't your fault - You may be kicking yourself for not acting more quickly or decisively, or whatever.

Good luck.  PTSD can become a life-long vexation that shows up at unexpected moments.

Find a therapist that isn't going to ask about your gun collection.

Thank you for your service.

Any decent therapist is going to probe for signs of suicidal thoughts, and not dig deeper unless he or she finds something.

Please find someone you can confide in, now. A professional can help you through this, and has been trained to do so, but sometimes an amateur that you really trust is better.

I too have been in situations with a vol. fire dept. where I didn't save someone, and it was very hard on see their loved ones (whom I knew) depending on ME to save them. I was able to talk to someone that was a mentor to me, and it helped greatly.

Definitely not suicidal. Outside of these events, I'm happier than ever.

I'm not sure whether God is testing me, or giving me a new grasp on life and death, but I am constantly reminded that the negligence of others has serious consequences.

I've never served and I don't mean to disparage any one's experiences.

This was a real wake up call to the horrors that our service members experience and it is something that I thought about after the fact.

Flashbacks and nightmares are real...

Hopefully you find a good therapist. Be prepared to go over every minor detail just to have some fat bitch tell you that going for a jog will solve everything.

Fixed that for you.

Just don't tell him if/when asked, this shit isn't hard.

I think your reaction was pretty reasonable considering the lack of sensitivity to the gravity of the situation that others expressed.

ETA: Had it been a guy choking on his steak at a restaurant that you saved, the light-heartedness and praise could be better understood as those sorts of things sometimes happen. This was gross fucking negligence that could've killed that little kid had the other kid not alerted you.

Some people mistake PTSD for being exclusive to the military. This is not the case and it does not diminish the the severity of the affliction. Since you've acknowledged you need to talk to someone, you're heading in the right path.

There are professionals that can help you with this. Contrary to what some have posted, they're not going to tell you that you're wrong, there's something wrong with you, or that your problem isn't real.

Most likely there's a root cause as to why this has so profoundly impacted you. Professionals can help. We here can offer up support and advice perhaps, but really sit down with someone and put it all out there.

Might solve everything, might solve some, but it will help you feel better and manage future events.

Yes, you need to talk to someone. Thank God you were in the pool when that happened.

No shrink, here, but....

The man you "failed" to save had a zero chance of survival.  You actually gave a damn about another human being and did your best to save him.  That is no failure.

As to the toddler...take this into consideration.  Your previous "failure" made you more aware at the pool when you SAVED the little one AND you obviously gave more of a shit about that baby than it's guardian.  You sheepdogged the situation like a champ.  My hat is off you in both situations.

A similar situation happened to me once in a CPR attempt. Later found out the fellow's heart was a goner and was going to die regardless of my attempts to save him.

OP you sound like the kind of person most anyone would want as a friend.  You are a good person.

Good for you, both times! It's a selfless act to put your own life in danger to try to save a stranger. Many people wouldn't dot it, or couldn't do it. And saving the drowned kid at the pool is hero shit, but yeah, you should go talk to someone.

I don't see how you kept from tearing the babysitter a new asshole.

I'm glad you were able to save the little one.

I'd say if you think you might need to talk to someone, you probably should go. I don't see what it could hurt.

And there's nothing shameful in the least for being emotional.

Please don't beat yourself up for not being able to help that man.

A scene from the movie "Machinegun Preacher" (a true story) leaps to mind. This guy is over in Sudan helping to protect these village children from militia who come and kidnap them to be fighters. He's running around at night trying to gather them into his house. His friend is begging him to just go in and lock the door saying , " You can't save them all".

And he grabs up a few more in his arms and says, "No, but I can save these".

Damn. Choked me up just typing that. It was a very powerful scene made more so to me because my friend went there a couple years ago to try to help and the stories he told made my skin crawl.


I hope you get what you need, OP.

You saved that kid.

You are a hero, never forget that.

I'm sure part of the reason for your outburst is because you are carrying around guilt.  You feel guilty that you did something wrong, or didn't try hard enough, or just weren't good enough to save the man.  That feeling of guilt is wrong.  

In both scenarios a course of events took place.  Those events led to the death of those two people.  Without any intervention they would both die.  Your guilt is wrong because in the first scenario, what was required to change the course of those events, was more than you, and most likely what any living person could do.  

You did your best, and although what you were trying to do was most likely impossible, you tried anyway.  We can not always create the outcomes we want, no matter how hard we want it, or try.  The definition of valiance is knowing you will most likely fail, but you do it anyway because it is the right/best thing to do.  

You were able to save the child because you now had a heightened awareness and drive, because of the man that died.  Without being present to try and save the man, and becoming so completely consumed with your attempts to save him, you may not have had the presence of mind to save the child either.  

The world is a scary place and so many things are beyond our control.  We do our best, and you did your best to help those around you.  That is all you can ever do. It can be quite the burden though, but someone has to bear it.  Get all the help you need to deal with it.  

The world needs more people like you.

At this point it's not about the man. He made bad decisions that led to his fate and I grasp that. What is haunting me is the image of the lifeless body at the bottom of the pool. He wasn't even thrashing. I stood there knowing this was the result of someone's carelessness.

As to the babysitter: I was sooo mad I could barely move, let alone speak. While I was pumping, I yelled at her to "fucking pay attention". She had her back to the kids in the pool chatting it up with another clueless, worthless POS of a human.

By the time the little guy was showing serious signs of improvement, I couldn't feel anything.

Your normal. And yes it does suck.
Still, go have a chat with a pro or some first responders.

Most people who need cpr end up dying.  CPR is a last ditch attempt, not that you shouldn't try. You and OP both done good.

One weird thing I have noticed about emergency situations is that even when confronted by an obvious emergency an awful lot of people don't seem to understand that it's time to act unless someone tells them to.  

I have a similar story of saving a toddler at a Memorial Day party in 2015. The child survived but was unconscious for a while. I don't know if he had any lasting brain injuries as I've never seen the kid or the family again. But, the images of a lifeless child that appeared to be dead when I scooped him off the bottom of the pool will stay with me forever. The amount of fear and adrenaline I experienced shook me up physically for a couple days. I still get very emotional thinking about that day and reading your story gets me a little weepy.

So I believe PTSD is a real issue not to be taken lightly. I highly recommend seeing a professional. Several times in my life I can't find the ability to sort out some mental challenges. I've always found telling a stranger who is trained and qualified is very beneficial.

Lastly, you probably don't want to hear it but good job on what you did. I imagine not succeeding in your efforts multiplies your trauma and I really hope you can get past it. It sounds like you did everything that was possible.

Prayers sent.

The OP's story is hitting so close to home it's almost uncanny.  I'm starting to choke up thinking about it.

I have successfully rescued people from the ocean and other dangerous situations.  One time I pulled a nearly unconscious man from rough 10-foot surf.  I'm proud of all that but it always seems hollow because my first attempt at a water rescue, more than 50 years ago,  was not successful.  It's still hard to let go of the notion that the failure was mine.

The image of a lifeless body floating face down in the water will never go away.

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PTSD is not a servicemans/woman's affliction. It isn't a heroes curse. It is a natural response to overwhelming circumstance. You reacted the way most able bodied humans would during another's crisis. Talk about it. Share your regret as well as your accomplishment. Understand you did not create the emergency, you only tried to mitigate it. You are human. A decent one at that. Good luck and don't be afraid of seeking help.

You should probably move to the desert somewhere.

Yeah, go talk to somebody.


But I guess look at it as a blessing; you were given a real chance to do something this time around, and you did alright.

Kinda mean but I lol'd...sorry OP
Seriously though you did awesome & you'll get through it.
If not you can always fall back on heavy drinking.

Ive told my story a time or two.

Long story short I sold a man a revolver when I was 20 and working at a gunshop. The only thing that strucked me odd about the deal was he didn't know how to load a revolver.

I showed him how.

He thanked me. Walked to the exit. Sat on the side walk. Raised the revolver to his head and fired.

A few including me saw it go down. It was a packed Saturday. We also had a range so gunfire wasn't a uncommon thing and it largely went unnoticed to most who were busy walking around a shopping. I got to him and did what I could, but he was dead before he hit the ground.

I was in a weird place for awhile after that. I had a hard time selling guns to older people. Coworkers likely didn't make things better on me by calling me killer, and poking fun at the situation(I figure that's the only way they knew how to react to the situation as well).

I remember selling a gun to an older individual a few weeks after the suicide. He slammed his trunk when he put his gun up. I immediately thought he had killed himself too.

I quit the shop not long after that. Family wanted me to see someone over the experience, but I never did. Took me a few years to truly get over it.

Good luck OP.

I'm a very strong believer in everything happening for a reason. I believe there is a reason you were at that lake, and there is a reason you were at that pool. Without you being in both places, a child might be dead right now. You should find someone you can seriously talk about this wit, whether it's family, friend, or professional. You deserve to have this be a memory and not a burden. Good luck OP.

Thank you for who you are and to do what many couldn't do.  The burden of sadness and goodness is carried by a true hero in most selfless acts.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't know from other posts by you, and I haven't read this entire thread, but I am curious to know what you do for a living. If you are a lifeguard, or a fireman, or one of the public service professions, yes, definitely find someone to talk to about this. You will encounter these situations again. From the sound of things, you weren't even on duty this time but with friends. That alone is enough to give one pause, that what you do at work follows you home. Disquieting thoughts. I find your actions commendable and the emotions you went through and are going through are not anything to feel shame over.

I applaud you for being a man of action and for not just moving to the center of the desert

The crying was a release- you went through a lot in a very short period of time,

and did exactly the right thing, while so many will just stand around and let it happen.

Yeah, find someone to talk to, but I somehow don't think you're going to need a lot of that.

Sounds hollow, but good job!

This right here.  What you had is probably a natural reaction from leftover emotion from the first event.  There is nothing wrong with seeking help to process it.

Be proud that you did your best, it's all that any of us can do.

You're at the right place.

I know.

Danny

I own a custom furnishings business, I was a swim coach in a previous life. I think I'm a normal guy that happens to experience an unusually high amount of stressful situations.

Even creating this thread helped. I appreciate all the advice and kind words.

Yes you have.  Twice so far.

Talking helps.  Really.  That and time are the best medicine.

And please find new people to hang out with.  From what you've said, they need a little more time to grow up.    Good luck.  If you're ever up in TN give me a shout.  I'll be happy to take you out for eats/drinks.

ETA:  A large part of the PTSD thing is being around others who have absolutely no clue, and having to engage them and their careless words.  Even those who do seemingly care you may not believe them.  You'll deal with that more often than not.

Sorry dude, you did good though. The therapist is going to ask you about a 100 questions about suicide. That's probably going to piss you off, make you more confused. Do you go to church? Got a pastor or minister or grief counselor you could talk with instead of some regular therapist who looking at the clock and worried about billing hours? Or maybe just google around, see if any churches in your area offer help.

You have a right to be pissed about the kid, and that's normal. You can't save everybody though. EMT guys, doctors, firemen, police, they know that. Talk with your buddies, stay up late, get drunk, pass out, don't get behind the wheel and drive. Talk with your girlfriend, maybe plan a wild weekend with her, own that pussy, rub it in your face, place dress-up handcuffs, whipped cream, whatever. Enjoy and forget.

Remind me to never go swimming around you.



You didn't really have any choice but to act.  Every time you reflect on the stuff that happened, no matter how traumatic, just think about how you'd be feeling if you didn't get involved.

Sounds like some symptoms of PTSD are going on OP. Survivors remorse aka guilt, some shame, heightened sense of awareness jumped out at me.  The fact that you can get back in the water and not be stressed-out, hyperventilating, upset, experiencing tunnel vision, super/rapid heart rate, and fight or flight kinda sensation is a huge positive for not having any long term/expanding issues IMO.

Your heightened sense of awareness, around the traumatic setting of water/drowning, most likely is what led you to noticing and saving that kid's life.  That's a huge bonus/outcome, and can help you make some sense of what happened to the other person you're experiencing the guilt about.  Look for the positive, and there's plenty of it, but don't ignore what's going on.  

Talk it out, but don't be eager to let someone diagnose you with anything, PTSD, or w/e (I mean by a mental health pro or a clinical provider, etc.).  Find a friend, a pro, or a church/faith-based person you can trust with what you have to say to them.  Also, paying cash means the mental health provider doesn't have to label/diagnose you to get paid (insurance requires a diagnosis, which could be adjustment disorder, generalized anxiety, fear of the water, PTSD, or w/e).  Plus, you can choose who you go to as a cash paying client, vs your health provider giving you only one/or a few options to choose from for insurance payment.

My best friend went looking for his son a little over a year ago when he didn't show up for work.  He found his 20 year old boy in a creek inside his crumpled up truck.  Even though he new he was gone it was important for him to get him out and he couldn't.

My best friend went off the rails a few days after the anniversary and we almost lost him too.  He just got out of the hospital after a week stay and is now going through extensive grief counseling 6 hours a day for the n xt two weeks.  He is genuinely feeling better and excited about making progress.

My point is that it is very likely that you would benefit from talking to folks that know how to deal with this.  My buddy lost a year trying to handle it on his own and almost lost his life.  Don't wait.  Please

And thank you for the courage to do the right thing when it was time.  And the courage to talk about it.

Good on you man for saving that kid's life.  I can't believe how complacent people are around pools with kids.

If I lived near you I'd come over right now and take you out for a beer.  Hanging out and just talking in a situation where you feel free to talk and not be judged can be helpful.

PTSD is more than about combat.

Served?  You were a servant to that little boy.  Your decisive actions saved his life and affected his immediate family for the rest of their lives.  Who knows what he will grow up to do in life.  Maybe the guy who cures cancer?  

Pretty awesome stuff.  I hope you find someone you can talk it through with.  

Uh....don't listen to, "In the Air Tonight"...

I don't care if they ask. I've gotten used to lying about it. They don't follow up if you say no, no I don't have guns.  

You didn't fail, if you couldn't save him I doubt anyone could.

It was just meant to be.

God doesn't test you like that.  You saved a child, you're a hero in anyone's book.  And remember, no matter who you are, you can't save them all.  God has a plan for everyone and he put you in that pool with that child because you could save the child.