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You should probably move to the desert somewhere.

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Less than a month ago I experienced a reasonably traumatic experience of failing to save a drowning man. It messed with me the first night, but I had some closure after meeting the victim's family and receiving their kind words of encouragement and appreciation for my attempts.  I haven't thought about it much, nor shed a tear.

This past weekend my GF's friend was having a pool party at her apartment for her BDay. Everyone was hanging out and drinking/eating and I was the only adult in the pool. I was swimming laps and stopped at the side of the pool to catch a breath.

When I turned around to begin another freestyle lap, a toddler with a panicked look on his face is treading water and looking up at me, and I see a body on the bottom of the pool 3.5' deep. I looked for a second not realizing what I was seeing, waiting for the other child to bounce up off the bottom of the pool.

Well that didn't happen, and I grabbed the kids arm and yanked him up out of the pool. I pumped water out of this child's chest while his eyes were almost all white. He quickly came back around and started crying. My hands were on his chest I could still feel water being sloshed around and coughed up. He was shake and shocked, but alive.

I was too angry to even confront the babysitter. My GFs friend is so nonchalant saying "Damn Jon, you are just Mr. Superman" laughing and cracking jokes not even grasping the gravity of the situation.

I silently walked away and immediately told my GF that the experience really jacked me up. I don't know how to describe it, but all of the feelings of failure from Memorial Day shot through my mind.

Later on we're hanging back at their apartment with a larger group of friends and the girl brings up the story about me giving CPR to the kid at the pool. I understand she was just trying to share the experience, but all of the room's words of praise were like whispers and I just hung my head while she happily recounted the story, until I burst out crying. I haven't cried in a long time,l et alone surrounded by a group of peers at a party, but the thought of witnessing an innocent toddler's death due to the negligence of others was more than I could bear.


Fuck I really need to go talk to someone now...

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You should probably move to the desert somewhere.

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Less than a month ago I experienced a reasonably traumatic experience of failing to save a drowning man. It messed with me the first night, but I had some closure after meeting the victim's family and receiving their kind words of encouragement and appreciation for my attempts.  I haven't thought about it much, nor shed a tear.

This past weekend my GF's friend was having a pool party at her apartment for her BDay. Everyone was hanging out and drinking/eating and I was the only adult in the pool. I was swimming laps and stopped at the side of the pool to catch a breath.

When I turned around to begin another freestyle lap, a toddler with a panicked look on his face is treading water and looking up at me, and I see a body on the bottom of the pool 3.5' deep. I looked for a second not realizing what I was seeing, waiting for the other child to bounce up off the bottom of the pool.

Well that didn't happen, and I grabbed the kids arm and yanked him up out of the pool. I pumped water out of this child's chest while his eyes were almost all white. He quickly came back around and started crying. My hands were on his chest I could still feel water being sloshed around and coughed up. He was shake and shocked, but alive.

I was too angry to even confront the babysitter. My GFs friend is so nonchalant saying "Damn Jon, you are just Mr. Superman" laughing and cracking jokes not even grasping the gravity of the situation.

I silently walked away and immediately told my GF that the experience really jacked me up. I don't know how to describe it, but all of the feelings of failure from Memorial Day shot through my mind.

Later on we're hanging back at their apartment with a larger group of friends and the girl brings up the story about me giving CPR to the kid at the pool. I understand she was just trying to share the experience, but all of the room's words of praise were like whispers and I just hung my head while she happily recounted the story, until I burst out crying. I haven't cried in a long time,l et alone surrounded by a group of peers at a party, but the thought of witnessing an innocent toddler's death due to the negligence of others was more than I could bear.


Fuck I really need to go talk to someone now...

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No shrink, here, but....

The man you "failed" to save had a zero chance of survival.  You actually gave a damn about another human being and did your best to save him.  That is no failure.

As to the toddler...take this into consideration.  Your previous "failure" made you more aware at the pool when you SAVED the little one AND you obviously gave more of a shit about that baby than it's guardian.  You sheepdogged the situation like a champ.  My hat is off you in both situations.

A similar situation happened to me once in a CPR attempt. Later found out the fellow's heart was a goner and was going to die regardless of my attempts to save him.

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Less than a month ago I experienced a reasonably traumatic experience of failing to save a drowning man. It messed with me the first night, but I had some closure after meeting the victim's family and receiving their kind words of encouragement and appreciation for my attempts.  I haven't thought about it much, nor shed a tear.

This past weekend my GF's friend was having a pool party at her apartment for her BDay. Everyone was hanging out and drinking/eating and I was the only adult in the pool. I was swimming laps and stopped at the side of the pool to catch a breath.

When I turned around to begin another freestyle lap, a toddler with a panicked look on his face is treading water and looking up at me, and I see a body on the bottom of the pool 3.5' deep. I looked for a second not realizing what I was seeing, waiting for the other child to bounce up off the bottom of the pool.

Well that didn't happen, and I grabbed the kids arm and yanked him up out of the pool. I pumped water out of this child's chest while his eyes were almost all white. He quickly came back around and started crying. My hands were on his chest I could still feel water being sloshed around and coughed up. He was shake and shocked, but alive.

I was too angry to even confront the babysitter. My GFs friend is so nonchalant saying "Damn Jon, you are just Mr. Superman" laughing and cracking jokes not even grasping the gravity of the situation.

I silently walked away and immediately told my GF that the experience really jacked me up. I don't know how to describe it, but all of the feelings of failure from Memorial Day shot through my mind.

Later on we're hanging back at their apartment with a larger group of friends and the girl brings up the story about me giving CPR to the kid at the pool. I understand she was just trying to share the experience, but all of the room's words of praise were like whispers and I just hung my head while she happily recounted the story, until I burst out crying. I haven't cried in a long time,l et alone surrounded by a group of peers at a party, but the thought of witnessing an innocent toddler's death due to the negligence of others was more than I could bear.


Fuck I really need to go talk to someone now...

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Thank you for your service.

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I don't see how you kept from tearing the babysitter a new asshole.

I'm glad you were able to save the little one.

I'd say if you think you might need to talk to someone, you probably should go. I don't see what it could hurt.

And there's nothing shameful in the least for being emotional.

Please don't beat yourself up for not being able to help that man.

A scene from the movie "Machinegun Preacher" (a true story) leaps to mind. This guy is over in Sudan helping to protect these village children from militia who come and kidnap them to be fighters. He's running around at night trying to gather them into his house. His friend is begging him to just go in and lock the door saying , " You can't save them all".

And he grabs up a few more in his arms and says, "No, but I can save these".

Damn. Choked me up just typing that. It was a very powerful scene made more so to me because my friend went there a couple years ago to try to help and the stories he told made my skin crawl.


I hope you get what you need, OP.

You saved that kid.

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TL;DR

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You are a hero, never forget that.

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Less than a month ago I experienced a reasonably traumatic experience of failing to save a drowning man. It messed with me the first night, but I had some closure after meeting the victim's family and receiving their kind words of encouragement and appreciation for my attempts.  I haven't thought about it much, nor shed a tear.

This past weekend my GF's friend was having a pool party at her apartment for her BDay. Everyone was hanging out and drinking/eating and I was the only adult in the pool. I was swimming laps and stopped at the side of the pool to catch a breath.

When I turned around to begin another freestyle lap, a toddler with a panicked look on his face is treading water and looking up at me, and I see a body on the bottom of the pool 3.5' deep. I looked for a second not realizing what I was seeing, waiting for the other child to bounce up off the bottom of the pool.

Well that didn't happen, and I grabbed the kids arm and yanked him up out of the pool. I pumped water out of this child's chest while his eyes were almost all white. He quickly came back around and started crying. My hands were on his chest I could still feel water being sloshed around and coughed up. He was shake and shocked, but alive.

I was too angry to even confront the babysitter. My GFs friend is so nonchalant saying "Damn Jon, you are just Mr. Superman" laughing and cracking jokes not even grasping the gravity of the situation.

I silently walked away and immediately told my GF that the experience really jacked me up. I don't know how to describe it, but all of the feelings of failure from Memorial Day shot through my mind.

Later on we're hanging back at their apartment with a larger group of friends and the girl brings up the story about me giving CPR to the kid at the pool. I understand she was just trying to share the experience, but all of the room's words of praise were like whispers and I just hung my head while she happily recounted the story, until I burst out crying. I haven't cried in a long time,l et alone surrounded by a group of peers at a party, but the thought of witnessing an innocent toddler's death due to the negligence of others was more than I could bear.


Fuck I really need to go talk to someone now...

Quoted:
Remind me to never go swimming around you.

<snip>

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I think your reaction was pretty reasonable considering the lack of sensitivity to the gravity of the situation that others expressed.

ETA: Had it been a guy choking on his steak at a restaurant that you saved, the light-heartedness and praise could be better understood as those sorts of things sometimes happen. This was gross fucking negligence that could've killed that little kid had the other kid not alerted you.

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OP,

I don't have a magic answer but I know the feeling.  I remember how shocking the first real world casualty was in Iraq and how badly he was in pain and how inadequate my IFAK seemed in comparison to his wounds.  We worked on him for what seemed like forever while vehicles tried to get through checkpoints to get him to the hospital.  He didn't survive.  I  felt a lot like you describe after it was over.  The next casualty was easier and yet kinda not.  He smelled like Pine Sol because a bottle of it got hit next to him.  Pine Sol still reminds me of him.  

It never really goes away but it isn't bad either.  Frankly, I got faster at processing the situation and triage once I had seen a few serious injuries.  I was able to function faster and better afterwards.  

I know Grossman isn't well liked on here and even I don't totally agree with him but you should read On Combat and On killing.  Not for the gunfighting parts, but because he does a good job at explaining how the brain processes traumatic events and how you can deal with it and grow through it.

The key is growing through it.  It happened.  It can't be undone.  You can grow stronger or you can grow weaker.  You will never stay the same.  Choose to embrace it, learn what you can learn, and release what you couldn't prevent.  

YMMV