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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:20:48 PM EDT
[#1]
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:22:28 PM EDT
[#2]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Beautiful, isn't it? To be alive and create an odor that can elitist such a response. Mine was due to 4 straight days of drinking Bush Light with Wild Turkey shots and eating nothing but hot dogs, kielbasa and baked beans while camping. Replace the Wild Turkey with JD and I have been on the receiving end of one of those. My buddy cleared the fire ring out and we were concerned with an explosion from all the fumes. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:22:46 PM EDT
[#3]
Needs a poll
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:23:29 PM EDT
[#4]
Leave it to a lifer to post this shit...
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:24:23 PM EDT
[#5]
No, but I've woken myself up from a deep sleep thinking the the goddamn septic had backed up or the dog shit in my bed.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:24:40 PM EDT
[#6]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
sneeze fart! that hurts |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:24:58 PM EDT
[#7]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Needs a poll Those who get pole fart even more. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:25:10 PM EDT
[#8]
Eww no.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:29:08 PM EDT
[#9]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Hilarious.  SHE insisted it would have been justifiable homicide and no jury would convict. She was probably right. No happy-time for quite a while after that one.  Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Also farted once during oral...never do that. I bet he was pissed! Hilarious. SHE insisted it would have been justifiable homicide and no jury would convict. She was probably right. No happy-time for quite a while after that one. I had to tell my wife to stop once and get to safety. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:32:29 PM EDT
[#10]
Yep. Those gatling gun farts...
 
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:40:00 PM EDT
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Yep. Those gatling gun farts... CIWS-er's |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:43:24 PM EDT
[#12]
Farts are not funny.....said no one EVER!
How about your wife's pregnancy farts. Those can peel paint. Never asked if they hurt though.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:53:51 PM EDT
[#13]
Wow...
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:02:49 PM EDT
[#14]
First off, farts are always funny. Sometimes for everyone, sometimes for the one who dealt it. For the first hour in the AM after I wake up I can be counted on to sound reveille on an almost continuous loop. Mostly the fun kind- loud and throaty like drag pipes but with stink rate of zero to minimal. The cool thing is that the GF spends the required 1-1 1/2 hour "getting ready for work"- in her own bathroom on the other end of the house, yet is still subject to this continuous barrage. Sometimes she just yells that she heard it, others she will come back to the bedroom and throw things at me. In bed she just reaches over and gives a sharp slap to whatever body part is most accessible- like you would to a dog. Once in the barracks we got wasted on milwaukee's best and got hungry but we didn't have enough $ for a pizza. Rucksacks got opened, MRE's came out. None of us were fit to be around for a good 24 hours. Funny, yet tragic.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:07:30 PM EDT
[#15]
The chances of getting farted on during lingus goes up diametrically with alchoholic consumption on the part of the lingusee.
Luckily the amount of disgust felt by the lingustees flatus goes down by a half measure with each .05 increase in alcohol in the blood stream of the linguser. This was the result of a 10 year study paid for with your tax dollars. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:09:31 PM EDT
[#16]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I am sure that someone might find humor in that. As someone whose wife have fought BREAST CANCER in the past I cannot.
Good Luck with your future endeavors in life! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Fighting cancer one color at a time. You can start the Susan G Blowass foundation. I am sure that someone might find humor in that. As someone whose wife have fought BREAST CANCER in the past I cannot.
Good Luck with your future endeavors in life! I guess you missed the "farts help fight cancer" thread. Sorry about your wife. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:12:40 PM EDT
[#17]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Farts are not funny.....said no one EVER! How about your wife's pregnancy farts. Those can peel paint. Never asked if they hurt though.
I'm 48 and I still think farts are funny. Prolly always will.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:12:56 PM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Be careful, you can vaporlock doing that. Unfortunately it can be deadly. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
sneeze fart! It hurts like hell. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:18:50 PM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You know, it's threads like this that keep me coming back. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:26:34 PM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
OP, are you really going to give yourself a fingerpaint enema? Because that would be really artistic. Artsy-fartsy, even.  
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:36:09 PM EDT
[#21]
My beagle likes to sleep under the covers with me. He farted one night that almost drove me out of bed, so then I let him have a thunderous sphincter roar directly to his snout. He didn't want to sleep in the bed for the rest of the night.
In the field with my buddy down at Ft. Carson, we slept right by the heater fan in our tent, and all night, he was farting and waking everyone in the tent up. That man could clear a fucking building. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:40:53 PM EDT
[#22]
I have farted so hard I shit myself......
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:41:41 PM EDT
[#23]
Quote HistoryQuoted: You know, it's threads like this that keep me coming back.  |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:47:15 PM EDT
[#24]
Cleared the dance floor once. I felt it coming on and started the release as I walked off the floor. A friend and his girlfriend were just coming out to the floor and I told him "don't go out there" it was loud and he didn't hear me and said "huh" about that time his girlfriend screamed in agony and ran away. People were running for their lives, it was epic.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:52:49 PM EDT
[#25]
After my emergency resection (lost 11in of small bowel). I went through a period where everything was resettling due to the length change.
One night we had fried chicken. Later that night I cut one loose that lasted 12seconds, made the cat jump 2feet out of my lap and made my wife come in to ask if the chair was ok. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 4:59:04 PM EDT
[#26]
My wife she was so proud that she made an 8 bean soup one night that nearly killed me. I had the worst gas ever with an explosion of methane gas followed by a swift vacuum of my asshole. I never experience anything like that and my wife never made that 8 bean soup again. She swore to it the following morning.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:02:45 PM EDT
[#27]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
The chances of getting farted on during lingus goes up diametrically with alchoholic consumption on the part of the lingusee. Luckily the amount of disgust felt by the lingustees flatus goes down by a half measure with each .05 increase in alcohol in the blood stream of the linguser. This was the result of a 10 year study paid for with your tax dollars.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:17:53 PM EDT
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Needs a poll Poll added then I farted. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:21:10 PM EDT
[#29]
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:21:52 PM EDT
[#30]
You ever release one where you can see and smell the colors?
I havent. I have heard of people that fart green. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:32:39 PM EDT
[#31]
Most painful one ever was unloading the trailer after coming back from a gun show. There were three of us, and at the time I was alone in the trailer. I ripped off a fart fueled by a weekend of eating fast food. I grabbed a container and hurried the hell outta there. I was halfway to the shop when I passed one of the guys helping unload. He got into the trailer just as I was going in the shop door.
I hear the most horrific, "GODDAMN!" and the guy comes running out of the trailer. My ribs hurting so fucking bad from laughing, I had to take some Advil. Even the next day my ribs were still sore. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:34:01 PM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You know, it's threads like this that keep me coming back. This. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:40:21 PM EDT
[#33]
I don't fart hard, just lethal with the smell.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 5:48:18 PM EDT
[#34]
When I sneeze, my balls hurt.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 10:41:16 PM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Cleared the dance floor once. I felt it coming on and started the release as I walked off the floor. A friend and his girlfriend were just coming out to the floor and I told him "don't go out there" it was loud and he didn't hear me and said "huh" about that time his girlfriend screamed in agony and ran away. People were running for their lives, it was epic. Crop dusted that whole floor. Area denial. Those are satisfying, especially if you never get caught. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 10:48:57 PM EDT
[#36]
Dude, I'm 44, I have to be careful how much pressure I put behind a fart.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 10:54:52 PM EDT
[#37]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I am sure that someone might find humor in that. As someone whose wife have fought BREAST CANCER in the past I cannot.
Good Luck with your future endeavors in life! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Fighting cancer one color at a time. You can start the Susan G Blowass foundation. I am sure that someone might find humor in that. As someone whose wife have fought BREAST CANCER in the past I cannot.
Good Luck with your future endeavors in life! Lighten up I have lost my mother to breast cancer along with 2 aunts and have a sister who is batteling it and still I laughed Also fuck the S. G.K foundation.. In mine and many others opinion including my mother and aunts and sister, they are worthless as a "charity" |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 10:55:30 PM EDT
[#38]
the sporting goods aisle at walmart... yup, that was me
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Posted: 9/18/2014 10:59:27 PM EDT
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
I'm thinking of buying some paints. Imagine a canvas blasted with bright colors all through the natural propulsion of violently, expelled gas - the existential struggle of the human condition summed up in a Jackson Pollock-esque cacaphony of color. someone had a similar idea The equivalent for me would be sticking a tube of paint up my ass and squeezing my buttcheeks together. I was thinking more of a gentle stream of paint washing down my backside and then THHHPPBBBTTT! All over the canvas! eta: there are some ,ahem, interesting videos on that page.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:09:47 PM EDT
[#40]
Getting off an elevator I left a burner for the next folks. Silent Suzys are deadly but its hard to tell in advance if they are going to rip and vibrate or just be deadly.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:18:54 PM EDT
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Getting off an elevator I left a burner for the next folks. Silent Suzys are deadly but its hard to tell in advance if they are going to rip and vibrate or just be deadly. I was at the CEDIA expo in Denver, CO, last week; we crop dusted the entire convention center. It was a week of cocktails, scotch, rich food... I regret nothing. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:20:58 PM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I have farted so hard I shit myself...... shart |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:22:20 PM EDT
[#43]
I hate the ones that turn sideways upon exit. Feels like a hot blade formed in the pits off hell tearing through your "O-ring"
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:32:38 PM EDT
[#44]
it only hurts when you have scabs on your roids
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:37:35 PM EDT
[#45]
You owe me a new keyboard.
Well played sir, well played!
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:47:59 PM EDT
[#46]
What's weird are the farts that you can feel making their way toward the exit. Suddenly, the pressure is relieved, but no fart has emerged.
Fantom farts. They're real. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:49:40 PM EDT
[#47]
System bypass. That is where shitty ideas come from.
ETA: Or Brain farts |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:52:03 PM EDT
[#48]
Well, gee, you aren't supposed to light it and get 3rd degree burns.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 11:58:48 PM EDT
[#49]
I sneezed and farted at the same time and it freaking hurt bad.
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Posted: 9/19/2014 12:05:17 AM EDT
[#50]
My best man and I have been friends since high school. One of things where you just become instant best friends for the most immature reasons.
One of the high points of our first year in school started out with Burger King onion rings. His mom was out of town and his dad needed to pack his lunch. Note: His dad is a Polish Marine vet prankster of the first order.
Anyhow, the two of us went in on a cold leftover large BK onion rings. 
Now, I don't know what it is about those things, but they can generate some serious gas. An hour later, we're in English class and I felt it bubbling. I loosed one of the best farts of my life. He's a few rows away and yells, "Argh! We're under attack! Return fire!!!" And rips an equally excellent fart. People were jumping up from their desks and running for cover. We had a few salvos of gas before the teacher finally kicked us out.
Totally worth it. |
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