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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:06:45 PM EDT
[#1]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You know, it's threads like this that keep me coming back. Hey, we know what turns chicks on! 
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:09:28 PM EDT
[#2]
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You know, it's threads like this that keep me coming back. Lol |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:12:56 PM EDT
[#3]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I am sure that someone might find humor in that. As someone whose wife have fought BREAST CANCER in the past I cannot. 
Good Luck with your future endeavors in life! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Fighting cancer one color at a time. You can start the Susan G Blowass foundation. I am sure that someone might find humor in that. As someone whose wife have fought BREAST CANCER in the past I cannot.
Good Luck with your future endeavors in life! Thanks moodkiller |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:14:50 PM EDT
[#4]
Dbl tap
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:15:10 PM EDT
[#5]
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Fighting cancer one color at a time. You can start the Susan G Blowass foundation. I could do an entire set in stirrups to better understand the pain of childbirth. This would help me connect with the female audience. I could also do except where the canvas is behind me and I drop my lower back in protest of the heterocage. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:15:26 PM EDT
[#6]
Oh, a burner!
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:16:04 PM EDT
[#7]
Hurt myself, no, but the people around me wanted to hurt me.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:16:42 PM EDT
[#8]
Quoted:
Last night I ripped one that nearly ripped me. I instinctively reached behind me with my right hand to catch whatever shreds were left of my poor asshole in the hopes that a good plastic surgeon might be able to reattach and sculpt them into some semblance of normal anatomy so that I could live a somewhat normal life. I'm kind of a gassy guy, but new heights (or lows) were achieved with this. I wonder if I should put my talents to use? I'm thinking of buying some paints. Imagine a canvas blasted with bright colors all through the natural propulsion of violently, expelled gas - the existential struggle of the human condition summed up in a Jackson Pollock-esque cacaphony of color. I think they would love it in Austin. I'll call it: (f)art. There really is nothing worse than farting and sneezing at the same time. Violently expelling gasses from both ends at the same time hurts. 
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:18:03 PM EDT
[#9]
How is this thread still alive? Not that I am complaining.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:21:33 PM EDT
[#10]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
How is this thread still alive? Not that I am complaining. Someone keeps "breathing life" into it. 
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:23:25 PM EDT
[#11]
12 blazing hot wings, and a bean burrito. You get explosive gasses, dont ask me how I know. Feels like muzzle blast .
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:24:34 PM EDT
[#12]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
sneeze fart! Did that once while bent over picking something up.... I had to go sit down for a few minutes as my back was killing me!
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:29:28 PM EDT
[#13]
Beer and Pickled Eggs
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:29:36 PM EDT
[#14]
New keyboard. You owe me one.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:31:21 PM EDT
[#15]
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I bet he was pissed! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Also farted once during oral...never do that.  I bet he was pissed! Hilarious. SHE insisted it would have been justifiable homicide and no jury would convict. She was probably right. No happy-time for quite a while after that one. 
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:32:59 PM EDT
[#16]
I dont fart much.
I can burp like a freight train, though. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:33:45 PM EDT
[#17]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Beer and Pickled Eggs If you want to clear a room, add some venison and a salad to that. The room will be uninhabitable for a while.....
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:34:26 PM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
There really is nothing worse than farting and sneezing at the same time. You must aim higher. The expulsion trifecta: The fart-sneeze-burp. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:37:14 PM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Have you ever sneezed while pissing? I thought I my penis exploded! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
sneeze fart! Have you ever sneezed while pissing? I thought I my penis exploded! No, but I have pissed while - wait for it - farting! It was one of those old man farts, too - the kind that last for like 15-20 seconds and go up and down in frequency and volume. They're hilarious. Lately, my penis is really at odds with me. He'll do things like hold onto urine that has already left my bladder until he's back in my underwear. I'm only 36. This shit isn't supposed to happen for another thirty years, I thought. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:52:38 PM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
No, but I have pissed while - wait for it - farting! It was one of those old man farts, too - the kind that last for like 15-20 seconds and go up and down in frequency and volume. They're hilarious. Lately, my penis is really at odds with me. He'll do things like hold onto urine that has already left my bladder until he's back in my underwear. I'm only 36. This shit isn't supposed to happen for another thirty years, I thought. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
sneeze fart! Have you ever sneezed while pissing? I thought I my penis exploded! No, but I have pissed while - wait for it - farting! It was one of those old man farts, too - the kind that last for like 15-20 seconds and go up and down in frequency and volume. They're hilarious. Lately, my penis is really at odds with me. He'll do things like hold onto urine that has already left my bladder until he's back in my underwear. I'm only 36. This shit isn't supposed to happen for another thirty years, I thought. Someone needs to tell this man about the squeeze-and-shake. Put your finger under the shaft, back where it meets the top of the sack Press up and in. Squeezes all the piss out. If needed, you can pump it a few times to catch any straggling drips. THEN you shake, and you won't piss in your pants. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:55:35 PM EDT
[#21]
The other people in this restaurant are staring at me. Thanks OP and all you other flaming assholes. You made my day!
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:57:56 PM EDT
[#22]
Go to the hospital OP, I'm worried your brain may have been affected.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 12:59:05 PM EDT
[#23]
Fiber One trail mix granola bars are the very devil.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:01:16 PM EDT
[#24]
This thread title needs to be introduced to the Tinder thread.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:02:27 PM EDT
[#25]
Part thread?
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:05:00 PM EDT
[#26]
del taco been burritos are one of the surefire ways to get voluminous, smelly gas
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:09:37 PM EDT
[#27]
There's a restaurant just outside of the town I live in and the hushpuppies they serve will give you terrible gas. But they are the best hushpuppies I have ever tasted so it is worth it.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:22:15 PM EDT
[#28]
Farts usually have a certain note or tone to them, but I once fart so hard that my sphincter sounded like an over driven subwoofer.
Felt like it too. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:22:26 PM EDT
[#29]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Someone needs to tell this man about the squeeze-and-shake. Put your finger under the shaft, back where it meets the top of the sack Press up and in. Squeezes all the piss out. If needed, you can pump it a few times to catch any straggling drips. THEN you shake, and you won't piss in your pants. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
sneeze fart! Have you ever sneezed while pissing? I thought I my penis exploded! No, but I have pissed while - wait for it - farting! It was one of those old man farts, too - the kind that last for like 15-20 seconds and go up and down in frequency and volume. They're hilarious. Lately, my penis is really at odds with me. He'll do things like hold onto urine that has already left my bladder until he's back in my underwear. I'm only 36. This shit isn't supposed to happen for another thirty years, I thought. Someone needs to tell this man about the squeeze-and-shake. Put your finger under the shaft, back where it meets the top of the sack Press up and in. Squeezes all the piss out. If needed, you can pump it a few times to catch any straggling drips. THEN you shake, and you won't piss in your pants. I do.
He conspires against me even now. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:30:37 PM EDT
[#30]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I can honestly say I have made 2 people vomit on a fart that I produced. Witness can be provided as well. This. Cleared out my Battery's arms room once during a turn-in when I was in Basic Training at Ft. Sill. Another trainee and a Drill Sergeant blew chunks in the common area just outside the arms room door. Remarkably, I didn't have to clean up the mess...the other trainee did. The DS just told me to un-ass the AO next time I was going to bust ass like that or I'd be cleaning every shitter on post. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:40:57 PM EDT
[#31]
Sneeze fart = Snart
Sneeze piss = Sniss |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:43:24 PM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
This. Cleared out my Battery's arms room once during a turn-in when I was in Basic Training at Ft. Sill. Another trainee and a Drill Sergeant blew chunks in the common area just outside the arms room door. Remarkably, I didn't have to clean up the mess...the other trainee did. The DS just told me to un-ass the AO next time I was going to bust ass like that or I'd be cleaning every shitter on post. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
I can honestly say I have made 2 people vomit on a fart that I produced. Witness can be provided as well. This. Cleared out my Battery's arms room once during a turn-in when I was in Basic Training at Ft. Sill. Another trainee and a Drill Sergeant blew chunks in the common area just outside the arms room door. Remarkably, I didn't have to clean up the mess...the other trainee did. The DS just told me to un-ass the AO next time I was going to bust ass like that or I'd be cleaning every shitter on post. Beautiful, isn't it? To be alive and create an odor that can elitist such a response. Mine was due to 4 straight days of drinking Bush Light with Wild Turkey shots and eating nothing but hot dogs, kielbasa and baked beans while camping. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 1:53:36 PM EDT
[#33]
Pro Tip: Dried Turkish Apricots
Not the sulphur free dehydrated California ones, but the sulphur cured out in the Anatolian sun on a filthy wooden rack on the ground of an old dusty caravanseri ones. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:00:29 PM EDT
[#34]
If you have never farted and came at the same time you have not lived
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:03:46 PM EDT
[#35]
I did dutch oven the girlfriend the first time she slept over. I had to be up early for work and she got to sleep in, and ducked her head on the covers as I started my morning routine. I didn't hurt myself with the fart, but she sure made me wish I didn't do that.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:07:52 PM EDT
[#36]
knocked the wind right out of ya
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:08:35 PM EDT
[#37]
Quoted:
I'm thinking of buying some paints. Imagine a canvas blasted with bright colors all through the natural propulsion of violently, expelled gas - the existential struggle of the human condition summed up in a Jackson Pollock-esque cacaphony of color. someone had a similar idea |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:15:11 PM EDT
[#38]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Beer and Pickled Eggs This brings back fond memories of 1 particular night drinking with my dad and an old fat weimaraner. The house smelled like rancid ass for days thereafter. A few of those farts were particularly painful. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:25:44 PM EDT
[#39]
I just hurt other people.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:34:33 PM EDT
[#40]
The entryway to our house is an arch with a 2 - story peak, so it has an amphitheater effect that magnifies sound like a concert theater.
I've gone out for the newspaper first thing after rolling out of bed and ripped one so hard the neighbors across the street were laughing while they were out watering their flower garden. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:38:12 PM EDT
[#41]
or:
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Posted: 9/18/2014 2:47:02 PM EDT
[#42]
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at your story OP.
Ohhhhh, what the fuck.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:05:48 PM EDT
[#43]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
The other people in this restaurant are staring at me. Thanks OP and all you other flaming assholes. You made my day! Quote HistoryQuoted:
The other people in this restaurant are staring at me. Thanks OP and all you other flaming assholes. You made my day! I shouldn't be reading this thread in public. I'm sitting in an airport reading this thread and absolutely cannot stop laughing! Quoted:
Farts usually have a certain note or tone to them, but I once fart so hard that my sphincter sounded like an over driven subwoofer. Felt like it too. 
Hahahahha, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard at your post!
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:13:32 PM EDT
[#44]
Yeah! Try going oral on the misses and she rips one on you; talk about a boner killer.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:14:55 PM EDT
[#45]
Everybody likes an epic fart story.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:15:21 PM EDT
[#46]
Oh yeah. I've cut a few that were so violent that I had to go check my shorts for blood. I was pretty sure that I ripped my sphincter. Level 11 stinging and burning.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:15:32 PM EDT
[#47]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Everybody likes an epic fart story. And if you don't YOU'RE GAY. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:18:20 PM EDT
[#48]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Everybody likes an epic fart story. There was an employee at one of my high school summer jobs who had an epic fart story. Whenever there was a new hire, the other guys would say, Tell the new guy the story about your hellacious fart! All summer long. |
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:20:37 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Running the critters out of the room can be one of the simple pleasures of life. At least until you run yourself out of the room. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
No, but I have startled the cat. Running the critters out of the room can be one of the simple pleasures of life. At least until you run yourself out of the room. "Too stanky fo mysef!" I have dusted the little dogs that sleep with us before and sent them scattering out from under the covers.
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Posted: 9/18/2014 3:20:37 PM EDT
[#50]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Running the critters out of the room can be one of the simple pleasures of life. At least until you run yourself out of the room. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
No, but I have startled the cat. Running the critters out of the room can be one of the simple pleasures of life. At least until you run yourself out of the room. DT |
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