This is absolutely correct. Females have, by comparison, a few shots at successful reproduction so have much more at stake when it comes to mating. Thus traits that utilize judgment regarding the quality of the inseminator, both as a provider and as a source of superior genes, will be selected for. Women have gotten so damned good at it over the millennia that they are normally about four steps ahead of any men they encounter, at least on an instinctual level.

Imagining, projecting, potato, potahtoe.

We nearly divorced around this time last year (July-October timeframe, with Sept/October being pretty much a meltdown).  Wife was positive she was done with the relationship.  She said she had "checked out" of the marriage "months ago".  Cheated with an ex (during a trip to see a friend on the east coast).  Another "incident" happened shortly afterward.  She was batshit crazy during that time.

As tough as the near divorce/venomous things she said and did, cheating (1 w/ ex, full-blown deal.  2nd with a co-worker, to a lesser extent, but still..) was the worst.  She knew  that was a deal breaker for me.  After she did it (and before I knew), she went into full-blown "make him leave" mode, so that I would be the one to leave.  I had always told her that cheating was an end-all, be-all dealbreaker.  Once she realized "we" could be "saved", she had already done it...and went completely batshit crazy/evil, trying to get me to leave.  She told me later that the guilt was devastating.  She's a tough, hard-headed, independant, successful lady.  I've never seen her completely "melt" as she did in the aftermath, while we tried to mend things.

Ultimately, I still fought for her.  Because I loved her, in spite of everything I ever thought I'd do in such a situation.  As horrible as all the things she did/said during that period, things she's done/said since that period were polar opposite.  Her expressions of appreciation.  Sorrow.  Guilt.  Thankfulness.  Love.  Respect.  "You fought for me, when I wasn't even fighting for myself."  The only thing worse than the lows I experienced last fall, were the highs experienced at the end of winter/spring.  

It's been a tough year.  Sept 1, I had a rough night, thinking about where she was and what she was doing exactly a year ago.  Unfortunately, I still have "micro" panic attacks at times when she's on Facebook, texting, hangs up a phone as I walk in, etc.  I don't want to be that paranoid guy...but...obviously, it's not completely unjustified.  I absolutely, truly believe it's something that happened, that will never happen again.  As she's said, "while I would never want to hurt you again, even more than that, I saw what it did to me.  I will never do that to myself again."  I believe her.  It doesn't stop those involuntary, micro-panics I have at times, though.  The split second where it flares up, before my consciousness can push it back down.

One thing that really hurt, and caught me off guard, was the "who do you trust in your life" thread a few weeks ago.  It dawned on me, that I can't list my wife in there.  I can't say I trust her...because I don't.  I WANT to...don't get me wrong.  And it's not things are the same...we've both been trying for a year to constantly improve our marriage.  And it's worked...but...coming from 100% trust, 99% seems like a completely different world.  It's something that always weighs on me.  She does everything she can to alleviate my concerns.  Offered all her passwords, accounts, free range of her phone, e-mail, calls to check in, etc.  I don't do these things, because that's not who i want to be, and the route I want to go. However, it means something to me that all that has been "laid on the table", so to speak.  She's doing everything she can.  I can't fault her for that.  But there was something in me that was hurt beyond belief, and hasn't healed yet.  I hope it will someday.  I figure it's one of those things that only time will heal, so I simply put trust and faith in that idea.

It's hard to describe how  difficult that time was.  Exhausting in every way.  I may not have been able to do it if I were alone, but we have a family, and wonderful children.  She comes from a family with divorce in all directions.  I come from a family where it's unheard of.  I didn't want to establish that pattern for our children.

It brought a non-believer (me) to God, and (as she says) showed her "what love really is...I never knew before."  Every other man in her life had hurt her, and (as our counselor said), that's why she was trying to push me away before I did it, too.  As horrible as it was, and as cliche as it is, it really HAS made us stronger.  We can see, and avert, things before they become bad.  We communicate better.  We know what we each "understand" as love from the other one, and why things that were "non events" for one of us, were "nuclear reaction" from the other.  As bad as it was, it was also one of the best things that ever happened to us.  We learned an extraordinary amount, which we now put into practice.

We both learned a lot about ourselves, and each other.  She's been a better wife this last year, than she has been all the years before.  I've been a better husband, too.  It seems we're the "miracle" case, but it's still hard.  It's the hardest when my darker tendencies want to come out, and there seems to be "justification" for it, too.  Part of me feels like a little bitch for staying with her.  Part of me feels I exhibited a strength that few  others have.  She views it as being more devoted to her, and loving her, and caring for her, and being more selfless for her, than anyone else has ever been.  I guess it's all the above.  It's just not something I'm "over", yet.  It's also not something I bring up regularly, as I don't want her to feel it's something that's "hung over her head".  As a matter of fact, she will willingly offer it up as way of humility, at times.  "Well, I can't really say anything about that..", or "I don't really have any room to talk", when we talk about other people, or other events.

It's the awkwardness that comes, when we watch a movie where someone is cheating.  The awkwardness that comes, when I make a joke, or a smartass comment, which would have been totally innocent and funny in the past...but now could seemed barbed or mean.  I hate that those parts of our relationship have changed.  thought we communicate better than we ever have, in some ways our "freedom" feels like it's been removed, as well.

I don't expect anyone else to post up (under their "real" logins, anyway), but I wonder...how many couples have stayed together after cheating?  I was shocked to learn than one of  the couples/families we IDOLIZE went through such an event.  We were totally dumbfounded.  We're also the only ones they've ever told.  Seeing how they are, was a remarkable boost to know ing that we, too, can get through this.  And, we are.  Just not as quickly as I would have hoped, I guess.  For me, anyway.  


ETA:  2k character limit for new  accounts.  Forgot about that.  Sorry guys.

with God's help you guys might just make it.

That's some real shit right there fellas.

Good luck, newtwo.

Im not afraid to stand with you.

I stayed after he cheated, and I am glad I did. I would have missed out on so much. And he has kept his promise he made to me -to show me every day that forgiving him was the right choice.

I regret nothing about my choice. And you should never apologize for going with your gut. Best of luck to you two.

Why, back in my day you had to get the polaroid out and a book of stamps to send a good pic of your "wedding tackle". Kids have it too easy these days.

Wishing hope and success for your marriage newtwo.






Folks, this is one of those important clues to watch for.

Divorce/ cheating is also infectious in social circles.


Drama-craving women tend to be validated by the behavior of their friends.  Even if they had previously put themselves above such behavior


At least that's my observation

And if ARFcom GD is any indication, drama-craving men are no different....

 

Why must you be sexist?

 

Is sarcasm

I love you

 

Have fun with all that... Nursing school just preps them into the whores they are about to become... Well atleast it did my ex-wife. Anyways.. Goodluck