I’m curious to get some insight on the lifestyle of men who made the decision not to get married. Men who had serious relationships and maybe even a fiancé, yet chose to be single. Do you regret not having a wife, children, family? Do the pros outweigh the cons?

Some quick background: I am almost 25 years old and feel I have my life together much more so than majority of my peers/age group. I never dated girls just to date. I only dated with the purpose to develop and grow the relationship. I have been dating a girl for almost two years and we get along very well. We both come from similar childhoods, families, education level, etc. We are at the stage where the following life events “should” take place over the next few years: her moving in, engagement, marriage, start a family.

She is more on board and excited for these events to occur than I am. I believe she feels that way because a lot of our friends are taking that “socially accepted/expected” path. I am not against the idea, rather not as excited/ready as she is for it. I feel that I want to further develop my career, finances, travel experience, etc before I follow the “normal” path.

Then I had a realization the other day. I realized that my life was much more stress free and relaxed when I am not in a relationship. That got me thinking… Is this reduced stress level and increased relaxation directly linked to being single? If so, is this feeling sustainable for a lifetime?

I understand as life goes on and the more developed an individual becomes, mindset and beliefs can shift. I wonder if my feeling of perhaps the single life is the better choice for me is my short-term believe blinding my long-term belief of what is truly best for me?

Here are some pros and cons that come to mind quickly. Of course, much more in depth analysis can/should be done and they are different to every person. Here are the main points:

Pros: all your income is yours, spend/save/invest how you want, your schedule is in your control, you have the freedom to live/travel where/when you want, your career is in your control (relocating would be much more difficult with wife and kids)

Cons: no combined income (assuming your wife works), obligations to her friends/family in terms of social gatherings/holidays, spontaneity is nowhere near what it could be because of wife/kids, not creating children, not raising/teaching your own children and watching them grow

What advice would you give a 25 year old like myself?

If you were in my shoes, what would be your plan?

Feel free to post your thoughts and opinions.

Live your life as you want to live it. Screw the percieved external pressures of society, piers, family, and your GF, what would you like to do?


 

Some people choose not to get married, and that's ok.

Don't get married because it's the "expected" thing to do. You're under no obligation to marry anyone.

My faith has a saying, one of its foundational principles, in fact. "And it harm none, do what you will." That is the advice I would give you.

I was living alone doing what I wanted tell I was 29. It was fucking great cause your doing everything you want. Score a old lady and kids and selfishness is out the window. With a family what you want doesn't matter what the family wants is. Stay single.

pretty much this.
i got married because I wanted to get married, and I stick around because i want to stick around.

If you don't really have a strong fire inside to put down roots wih your GF, you should really think twice about continuing down that path.

truth

I get a kick out of these threads. It's seems there are tons of guys in my age range that don't know what to do...

You can stomp your feet all you want, and boast about being single, but the right woman can come flying around the corner and chsnge everything you ever thought you knew.

Stop worrying about the bullshit and just let life happen.

She is probably excited because it's a big part of a normal girl's life for those things to happen.  They are basically raised with the expectations of starting a family and all of the events in between.  She wants a stable, happy marriage and there is nothing odd about it.

That said, there is nothing wrong with being single.  If it's what you want just do it.  In some ways I'm envious of you.  I miss the days of throwing my leg over the traveling bike and zooming off for a weekend of camping.

You might ask yourself what your long term goals are.  If you don't have any don't sweat it.

My advice?  take it one day at a time and think carefully about what you want.  25 years old is really young and you have a lot of time to plan.  Take advantage of it.  Don't be afraid to sow some wild oats.

Interesting place to post a question like this.

I assume you are willing to sort the wheat from the chaff?

I would be a lesser person if I had not gotten married and had three wonderful children.

That's how I am. I'm not against it, I'm just not able to get excited about something that wouldn't change anything for us. The problem is that all of her friends have been married or engaged in the last two years, and now she doesn't want to "be the one" or not be married by 30.

I know she has the best of intentions and is great, but it's a little concerning when your primary motivation for getting married is not fitting in with your friends. In turn, I'm being "heartless" and "stalling".

I guess I just don't see the point when we are doing the entire thing already minus rings. Whatever.

Except that it's really not the truth for most.

Older men that never marry usually confess that they are lonely, depressed, and less happy.  I've seen it time and time again.

I'll never say its for everyone. I have guy friends that couldnt wait to have a family. As a single guy for 99.9% of my life I can say it was the best.

There's pros and cons both ways, obviously. When I was closer to your age, I often wondered whether I'd made the right call by geting married and having kids. I'd see how my single friends were living it up and doing pretty much whatever they wanted and couldn't help but picture myself in their shoes. Now nearing 40, I don't care about money or buying shit as much anymore. Hell, I'd like to get rid of some of the material items I do have just because of all the clutter. What I do care about is the fact that my wife is an awesome partner, and I won't have to worry about growing old by myself.

OP, you are 24, really too young to even be thinking about a permanent arrangement like marriage



There are some nerdy guys who will NEVER fit into a functional relationship. Absolutely that's true, and they will probably never accept that they simply aren't relationship material
Then there are normal guys who don't comprehend the bullet they dodged and maybe fill their minds with the "what if's" regarding missed relationship opportunities

I have a friend that remains single at 61 years of age.
Never been married but he did have an SO for awhile.

He has all the needed toys, 2 motorcycles, a custom car, (Restored 240Z), multiple mountain bikes, paid for house, and a real nice Tundra.
He doesn't seem lonely but I have to wonder.

There are times at night when I really enjoy having my wife to talk to or just be with.

Being alone all my life isn't for me but it may be right for you.
Only you can decide this good sir.
Good luck.

If you have plenty of opportunities and access to a good singles scene then don't even think of marriage until your 30s unless you have no choice.  

If you're lucky to even havd this girl in the first place and there is nothing to do in your town after dark then hold on to her for dear life.

I had my first kid at 26, I don't know how life was even fun without her.

Sure it's taxing, and my free time is essentially gone for quite awhile, but something about going from a "you-centric" viewpoint to a "family-centric" viewpoint is as close to a religious experience as I can imagine.

Some people really are better off without a family I think though.

If you are the kind of person that can't put your own wants aside then it's best to just keep living for yourself I think.

I was single until I was 41 years old.  Now I have a daughter, stepson and S.O.

I miss the freedom of being single but I also enjoy family life.

If you're unsure, wait like I did.  No need to rush into anything.

Oh yeah, I also miss the pursuit of strange pussy.

It's really not the same.. being married and being unmarried living with a girlfriend are two separate worlds.  Right now its playtime, when you get married it turns into a series of legally bound commitments that can have some far reaching consequences if things don't work out.

If you aren't 100% committed to this girl (you sound wishy washy) you should really consider breaking it off.  You should be on fire for this girl and eager to please her.  Think, crazy in love and eager to get tied at the hip.

If you get married you're going to want to wander.  That's because you aren't ready for it.

I've been there so I can relate to how you are feeling.  Just break it off and let the girl go.  You obviously are not ready for the change and as an ethical man you know that you shouldn't hold her.  Look at it pragmatically, you would be limiting your own horizons.

I think you already have your answer.  You just need to see it for yourself.  Good luck.

I want a family someday, but damn if I'm going into it before I have a steady job that can support a wife and kids. I'll be single until then.

All of my buddies talked shit on me because I wanted to find a woman and get married out of high school. Well, since high school, college, and adult life I have yet to find that woman out there for me. The funny part? ALL of my buddies that swore up and down they they would "never buy a bitch a ring" are married up and having kids.

Life is funny like that.

31, married, 4 kids.  Can I do what ever the hell I want? nope, can't afford it monetarily, nor time-wise.  Would I rather be single?  Its a nice fantasy, but when I get home from work and my kids are all excited to see me and ready to play, there is no other place on earth I'd rather be.  And that includes balls deep inside kate beckinsale and her identical twin on top of a mountain of money inside my ammo mansion built on a solid foundation of guns summer home.

I'm in my mid 40s.  I've run into 2 or 3 girls max during that time with whom I would consider settling down and they've all been happily married.  

I'm not writing it off, but I'm a fat middle aged guy that's never been hitched, and the likelihood of getting hitched falls each year.  

I can live with that because as appealing as the idea is of raising rug rats and experiencing marital bliss may be, I'm a fairly selfish person and I'm kind of set in my ways.   I'm honestly not sure I'd be happy pulling in a double harness, even with the right partner.   Hell, I've never tried it though, so I could be talking out my ass.  

I've been in  good relationships before, but nothing that was going to be permanent.   As many marriages as I've watched fail around me, I'm not sure many of them even can be permanent these days.  


Anyway, a series of decent connections with good people is what most folks wind up with in life whether they get married or no.   As for kids, other folks' kids are better anyway.  You can feed em sugar and caffeine, spin em up and send em home with a squirt gun to terrorize your friends.  

Some of them are likely unhappy though. It seems like a lot of people get into a rush for it in the 20's.

I was with my wife for almost 10 years before we got married. I can't really see a future without her in it.

Area bolded is very telling, you listed pros for being single and basically (other than no dual income) a con list of being in a relationship. I think you answered your own short term question. More telling to me is this, you have to ask this question. You won't be married happily long if you did soon. You question whether you could live with this girl for the rest of your life. I questioned if I could live without my wife when we got married. Ponder that for a bit and I bet you'll figure out that you are still focused on your career and money and impulse happiness than you are on a relationship. Nothing wrong with that at your age, but you probably will change later in life.

I'm 38 and have never been married. I've been close to marriage once and it didn't work out. I focused on my education, traveling, and my career in my late 20s and early 30s. Part of me wishes I found someone younger and settled down. The dating pool for a 38 year old really thins out unless you want to date crazies or single moms. In that case, I'd rather be single. I'm still hopeful someone is out there for me. I do go on a lot of dates but I'm very picky. I'm happy 90% of the time but it's the 10% loneliness that sucks.

If you do get married for your future self's sake get a pre-nup that says no alimony no matter what.

This message is from your future.

I AM in your shoes.

I'm 25, own  a growing small business and broke off a 3 year relationship in October.  She wanted to move to NC in the woods and work on an animal preserve. Different goals are fine, you just have to recognize and accept them.

I am in no mood for a lock down relationship. I date a rotation of like minded women. If there is any drama, or I'm not feeling it, I break it off quick.

Do yourself a favor(and your girl) and let her know that a monogamous relationship is not what you want right now. Get a gym membership and join us in the Tinder Thread for laughs and unending dates.

But you are looking at it wrong. Its not an either or situation. Despite what people tell you, you CAN have your cake and eat it, too. We are young men, with a lot of loving and living to do. At some point I'll be in a position to settle down, but I'll worry about that when the planets align.

I am 50 yrs old.  Single and staying that way.  I own my own home, a 12 unit apartment complex, toys and can do what I please.  I date a redheaded chick right now and am having fun but am in no way ever going to get married.  I also dont want o take the financial hit or emotional hit of a divorce.

I have my dog to keep me company.

You put it simpler than I did.

I'm explaining to my son...don't get married if you want to have kids...if you do want to have kids and get married then have kids first and get married after 18 years when they are out of the house, and she has already given you an actual relationship...

Marriage has been destroyed by the courts and divorce laws.....fuck it.



My girls. I'm telling to make sure they find a decent guy that makes good money. And marry him before you even think about having kids!!

I think you very adequately stated the pros and cons, at least as I see it.

I remember a friend of mine giving me shit because back a decade ago, I always had credit card debt -nothing crazy, but it was always near impossible for me to get paid off. He had met his wife in college, and she made more money than he and I did. I was living alone at the time. I'd always retort "yeah, try having your car note, rent and all your other bills without a second income!" That always shut him up.

My career has advanced, and my income is now very comfortable for me. I can pay my mortgage and car note, and all my bills and have some money left over. I can save/invest, and I can afford some toys and some fun.

The cons of single life don't weigh on me as much, because I'm very introverted and very independent. Introverted doesn't mean "shy" or "socially awkward". I'm not shy, and can engage in conversation with strangers... I just don't like doing it. I often times prefer being alone. Introverts tend to "lose energy" when interacting with others, especially in menial ways like small talk and mingling. We're better at deeper connections and deeper communication. We "charge our batteries" when we're alone. So being single means I have no demands on my time. I am not forced to spend time with someone else, that may end up being draining to me.

But I also don't have companionship. I don't have intimacy. At the same time, I don't have a strong need for either, really.


I do regret that I missed an opportunity with a young lady I know. She was sweet, and mature and liked me plenty. I didn't take it seriously, and she ended up getting with another guy, got knocked up and they got married. They're happily still together years later. (and MAN did she grow some huge tits after that kid!! hahahaha)

Now I'm 38 years old and single. The options out there don't often appeal to me. I can't relate to women that have kids and/or are divorced, because I've never been married and I don't have any kids. It seems that women who are attractive, don't have kids and are single closer to my age are the kind that are holding out for some cosmic event to drop their Mr. Perfect on them, and will not settle for less. And me, I ain't got no time fo' dat!

Don't get married.

Seriously, do not get married.

Yes, you can have a long-term monogamous relationship, even have children (with the understanding that if you break up you have to support the children you sire).

But you are out of your fucking mind if you get married.

If you marry, and she leaves of her volition, she gets to walk off with half your net worth.

Today, with the high likelihood of divorce, you are out of your fucking mind if you get married.

Being a father has been the best thing I've ever done. And, frankly, I never realized it until I became one.

Damn, you sound just like me. I went on a date just last night with a 43 year old woman. She was sweet and we had a nice time, but just didn't feel it. I was supposed to go out with a beautiful girl in her early twenties tonight but she cancelled on me. Then she gave an attitude because she thought I wasn't understanding. I ain't got no time for dat.

I was married for a while and it was absolutely wonderful sharing life with my best friend, until it wasn't wonderful anymore.

Marriage taught me that you can have absolute trust in no one.

36 and single. Wish I had a wife, kids, etc.

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Pussy is like air, you don't miss it until its gone.

This happened to a girlfriend of mine that I loved and was just about to propose to before she flaked out. Thank God we didn't tie the knot. I guess you never really know even if you think you do.

What are your standards? I want the same thing but I'm also very picky. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm tall, in good shape, educated, have a good job. All the young women who haven't married seem to be waiting for a movie star to come along. The more I date, honestly, the more frustrated I get. I'm at the age now where hookups aren't my thing. I want a real relationship with a wonderful woman.

Simply put, there are pros and cons to each and you have to deal with whatever cons you have.  One is not necessarily better than the other, just different.

Your plethora of threads and posts advocating a "hit it and quit it" lifestyle say otherwise.

You are still young. When I was 25...I thought I had it all figured out. I'm 37 now, and I have a totally different outlook. Live your life, have fun, enjoy yourself.....you have plenty of time to change your mind about things later.

I dated and lived the single life until I was 32 or so.  Then finally settled down, and got married to a wonderful girl.  Is it as exciting as the single life where I was dating new girls all the time..NO?  But, in exchange....I have a stable life where I don't have to worry about all of the problems/issues/drama of dating new girls.

Don't make a "plan" right night. Just have fun, and let life take it's course.  There are good and bads to both the single and married life.

The one piece of advice I can give you.....DON'T SETTLE.  I know way to may guys who get to a point in there life where they want to stop dating and settle down with the first person that will marry them....which usually turns out to be a bottom of the barrel type girl. Set you standards high......and until you meet "the one", enjoy the single life and have fun!!!  

Hi Namaah. Well, I'm changing. Nor am I perfect.

All I need in life are books and coffee. Everything else is gravy.

Perfection isn't expected. However, you've been saying for months that you're looking for a serious relationship with a good girl, yet in that exact same time period you've also been frequently boasting about your "hit it and quit it" habits. There hasn't been one iota of demonstrable change in the tenor of your posts at all.

[serioushat] If you are actually earnest about finding a decent girl, you need to quit that shit. That sort of behavior is something that good girls avoid like the plague. In the eyes of a good girl, you are damaged goods. Until you fix that, you won't likely find a good girl that wants anything to do with you. You state that you look decent and have a good job; great! But you have some serious moral/ethical baggage you're toting around, and that is a huge red flag to most good girls. [/serioushat]

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