Part II
6I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is done with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, and that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
8The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
9 Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged,dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have firearms, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10 Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
[V]