I've come to the conclusion that I am a very angry person.  Anger is my primary self defense mechanism for phychological issues.  

Unfortunately, it has pushed my wife to the absolute limit.  After 7 years and 2 incredibly wonderful children, she is about a hairs width away from leaving me, gravity is pulling hard, and I'm a mess.

I started reading a book about anger, and it describes me to a T.  I get angry at slow drivers, people who inconvenience me in the littlest ways, like taking too long in the drive through, or at a checkout line, basically everywhere.  This book has a lot of tips and exercises to avoid letting my anger triggers manifest themselves as anger.  I think it will help al ot.  We are going to a counselor this Friday at her request, but I can tell she is not optimistic.

I see how my sisters communicate, and I am shocked at how bad and rude they seem.  I know I am the same, but I couldn't see it in myself until I started reading this book.  

My wife is not perfect, but she is without a doubt, the nicest person I have ever known.  I know that 98% of our problems are my fault.  (And this is truly an honest assessment, I don't think I'm a bad person, and she doesn't either, she has just had 8 yrs of my attacks and criticisms, fights, and other piss poor personality problems.  We've had problems, and I've told her I would do better, but it seems to always come back around.  Knowing now that I do have major anger issues, maybe it will change, with a lot of work on my part.)  

I know it would be an amicable separation, but I don't want that at all.

I have never asked for prayers before, but I could sure use some now.  I need the Lord to give me the strength to lose my anger, and learn to be nice.  And I need the Lord to give her the heart to hang on long enough to see me anew.

Thank you, my Arfcom brothers.

TXLEWIS  

It is my contention that most men "marry up".

Do what you can.  You need someone to help you on this......trust me.


Prayers sent, brother.


Monty

If you really love her WORK HARD! I'd have done ANYTHING to keep my wife, wish she'd have given me the chance.

Your choice will have to be a life change, best of luck.

Prayers sent.

Done, and here's hoping for the best. I've had times before when I had to force myself to look in the mirror. It's not always pretty.


Now go do what it takes to keep that family together.

Prayer sent. IMO, you need to fess up - tell your wife that you have realized that you're irrationally angry, you know it hurts her, that it ain't intentional, and you're going to fix it. Tell her what you told us, and then follow up on it, like you would if you realized that you were flinching when shooting a rifle.

Prayers sent.  Have you gone to counseling yet?  If you find the right person it can do wonders. I'm still doing counseling even though we did decide to split up because she has been very helpful.  The problem is that it may take a while to find the right person.

I deal with a lot of anger management at work with my students.  The hardest thing to teach them is to recognize their feeling and stop before they act.  Like anything it is a skill that must be practiced.  When you are calm start thinking about how you feel when you are angry.  Think about the physical signs and how your body feels.  Learn to recognize these apart from the rush of emotion so you can stop before you get to the point you can't.  Then just focus on times when you know you are likely to be angry such as you listed above and be vigilent at those times.  When you start to get the feeling stop yourself.  Take a deep breath.  Think about the next gun you want to buy.  Do anything but stop and calm yourself.  Once you are calm take an objective look at the situation, and if blowing up is going to help or hurt the problem.  Go through different responses in your head and ask yourself what are the likely consequences.  Then pick the action that will get you the consequence you want.

Sorry if it sounds like a bunch of gobledygook, but if you take the time to practice it it will work.  Best wishes for you and your family.

Done. If you live anywhere's near New England, IM me. Perhaps we can have a roundup with other ARFCOM brothers.

I think its great that your able to see and recognize your problem. Maybe if you could stop and think when you feel your getting upset. Think about the pettiness of it and how good you really have it(if you do) and try to keep a positive outlook when you get angry.

Anger was a problem for me until I decided I just didn't give a shit.  I still get pissed over some stupid things, but I don't actually care about most things anymore.

Quoted: If you really love her WORK HARD! I'd have done ANYTHING to keep my wife, wish she'd have given me the chance. Your choice will have to be a life change, best of luck. Prayers sent.

This should speak VOLUMES to you... Take it to heart.

It will eat you up and destroy everything you have my friend.  Let God take it.

You should adopt my philosophy;  I care, but not that much.


It keeps you very very calm.  Or just call your dad and tell him you need a good old fashion ass whupping.  That always helps.

If that doesn't work, you're in our prayers. The fact you want to change is good. hope it's not too late.

Learning to mellow out is a hard thing to learn, I almost lost my wife due to my macho b.s. ex military hardass behavior.Good news is it can be done. Good luck and prayers for you.

Prayers sent, I to get angry and frustrated with little things in life like people the grocery store line who insist on using every coupon availible and then writing a check for it all, or the old lady in the buick driving 15 mph with her turn signal on for 5 miles.  To avoid getting angry I'll simply tell myself the situation will be over in a few minutes and after that its merely a memory.

... Hang in there bro, it's all about growing up. Anger will eat you inside out, if you don't come to terms with it. Find a babysitter and take a long relaxing vacation to the mountains. It works wonders.

 TXL.  Check your IM.

'Depression' in men sometimes shows up as anger, I am convinced that most fighting mad drunks are victims of the same thing.   Do you get more angry when you drink alcohol?  It's a warning of deeper problems or maybe just a bad habit, a learned response that is not appropriate.
 
You can put it in the rear view if you have the determination, and are willing to get help for what you cannot do yourself.  I can be and am a real SOB at times, and usually not because of the immediate situation.  Hang on, fight it, and beat it.  If you need some 'iron on target'  IM me.  Ops

Quoted: Anger was a problem for me until I decided I just didn't give a shit.  I still get pissed over some stupid things, but I don't actually care about most things anymore.

This is actually good advice - stop CARING so much about all the little stuff.  VERY FEW things are really important, when you really think about it.  I've learned that most tings just don't matter enough to get worked up over.

But I agree with what some others have recommended - SEEK COUNSELLING !!!!

my advice is to committ to counseling and to fiximg yourself and repairing the damage done in the relationship just as you would devote yourself to training for a marathon or for an upoming battle.

you have a time and a date for the showdown, you have the tools to make a difference, all you have been missing so far is the motiviaiton to make a difference in your own life.

i'd like to think i know you... and despite being a hardass and a tough guy, we all know that there is a soft and kind person that treats uslike a damn good friend.  your wife knows that and it seems that she is trying to get that guy out 24 hours a day instead of maybe 2 or 3 hours a day.  i spent years consuming myself with anger and letting my temper rule my life and my relationships. one day i just decided that i was just literally going to "let it all go" i was tired of my anger not getting me anywhere but further down the spiral of becoming more and more angry.

i still have my moments, but i have sworn that i will not ever yell in anger at my girlfriend/wife/spouse ever again.

for me, it was just as easy as having the guts to be the bigger man and quit bullying and intimidating people with my anger and instead letting them know how i feel and about truly resolving the situation instead of fanning the flames by injecting anger.

you are doing the right thing by busting your ass trying to make it right. i hope that your wife will grow to see it and that it will pay off for not just your relationship and for you kids, but just for you to be a happier and less angry person.

"fuck it, there's nothing i can do.  how big of a deal will this be tomorrow?"
has been my mantra for the last three years.

i'm still working to be a happier person... but i can assure you of this, it feels ten thousand times better not to be burdened with the anger i was carrying around and unleashing on those i loverd the most.

OF COURSE- i wish you and your family the best of luck at getting things resolved
and you can bet that you and yours will be in my prayers as i wouldn't wish marital dischord on even my most mortal enemies...

take care bro,
colin

This is not the TXLewis I knew at Gunstock.
Of course we campers walked around with 1/2 gallons of Jack and Jim like we were drinking 20 oz Cokes.

Just hold out until Gunstock Buddy! Better days are coming!

go to counseling, if for no other reason than to show your wife that you want to make it work.

and maybe just expressing the sincere desire to change as you professed it here in this thread might convince her of your sincerity and your comittment to her, your family and yourself.

Believe me, I'm sitting here smiling, "Oh yeah, I know". Long process (well, few years), but once you realize that you're flying off the handle WAAAAY too quick, you'll be able to work on it.
By a slower, more cushy car, quit wearing wristwatches (the handcuff of the proletarian!), learn another language in which to cuss, should the need arise, reduce alcohol intake by 90%, coffee and smokes by 50%, work less, learn more, read books, don't watch the fucking boob tube. Get your news off the paper or the net. For some reason TV and radio news seem to be more aggravating. Must be those voices.

Learn to control your facial expressions first! Keep a poker face, because once something PISSES you off, and your face is already screwed up, it's hard not to follow through with an outburst. Also, grimacing scares the person you're interacting with, which will piss you off even more. "What? WHAT?! I didn't hit you yet, and I'M NOT SHOUTING!" Breathe instead of shouting, come to think of it.

Realize what's pissing you off. Some things will /always/ do that. The McDonald's drone will /always/ mess up your order, your boss will always be a know-nothing gluesniffer, other drivers ARE morons, your wife's brain does work on different tracks than yours. Avoid, ignore, pre-empt, evade well, and accept and co-operate with your wife.

There's only a few people in the world that matter at all. Unless you're married to her, and God help ya if you are, Greta van Susteren doesn't matter, avoid her, the hobo smearing slime about your windshield doesn't matter, ignore him, the idiot in the Volvo almost clipping you doesn't matter, pre-empt his moves and evade. You do and your FAMILY /does/ matter.
For some, it takes a conscious effort to be nice, because most people and many things are JUST SO FUCKING aggravating. Most people and many things don't matter though.

Find other valves the release the anger, stupid fricken video games for instance, first-person-shooters are nice and cheap. Activate GOD mode, mow down everything that moves for an hour, don't get harmed. Switch back to reality with a grin on your face. Or maybe some physical activity?  A gym membership or running?

Quoted: Quoted: Wow, one of the best posts ever.  You have impressed me greatly.

... You beat me to it!

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Wow, one of the best posts ever.  You have impressed me greatly.   ... You beat me to it!

indeed.

Don't live in your mind, live in reality the now. What you can see and feel is real all else is illusion . Love your wife , love your  life,  the past the future don't exist, the things that anger you are your fears and anticipations. Please take a deep breath and enjoy  the ride and tell  your wife you love her.

Well said KAR98. I will only add that the man who can make you angry - who can provoke involuntary responses from you - might as well have you on a leash. Master yourself, and master your world. Also, God likes self-control.

Good luck Bill. I wish you well. As some people have said-- don't let the small stuff bother you. I've been trying to do the same, but sometimes I slip too...

mr txlewis,

It is good that you have recognized that you do have a problem and not remained in denial. It is my sincere hope that you can work things out.

I can say with most certainty that you are not alone in your difficult situation. There are a handful of individuals on here who repeatedly display irrational outbursts of anger through their posts and if they do not seek professional help, they will continue down the path to their own destruction. What is even more worrisome is that these people are in possession of firearms and pose an ever increasing risk to harm others.

It would be beneficial after you resolve your issues, if you could use your experiences to help the others here with their own anger problems.

Peace be with you.

Best to you in fixing things. I hope you can straighten it out.

Prayers for you and your family TxLewis.

Quoted: mr txlewis, It is good that you have recognized that you do have a problem and not remained in denial. It is my sincere hope that you can work things out. I can say with most certainty that you are not alone in your difficult situation. There are a handful of individuals on here who repeatedly display irrational outbursts of anger through their posts and if they do not seek professional help, they will continue down the path to their own destruction. What is even more worrisome is that these people are in possession of firearms and pose an ever increasing risk to harm others. It would be beneficial after you resolve your issues, if you could use your experiences to help the others here with their own anger problems. Peace be with you.

Yep, Kar98 gets the award for most heartfelt post and (surprise!) Imbro gets the award for lamest.  

Tx, I will pray for your moderation, as I pray for my own.  What is the title of the book you were reading?

Thanks all, And Kar, I agree with the others, thank you for some excellent advice.

THe name of the book is "When Anger Hurts" by Mckay, Rogers and Mckay, all Phd's

Thanks again.  
I'll let you all know when I know something.  If you pray, I ask that you send a little my way.

Thank you.

TXLEWIS

I was a lot like you TxLewis when I was younger.  The "head" doctor told me there's nothing wrong with getting angry when it comes to IMPORTANT matters.  He said I have to learn to let unimportant matters keep me from getting angry.  He said to write down those things that are very important to me.  All other "things" shouldn't be allowed to anger me.  (Hopefully your list won't be too long - LOL).

It worked for me, as well as getting older.  Most people, myself included, mellow with age.  Hang in there!!  

Exercise is good... or take up something like boxing or martial arts. But be warned, as it can be a good anger outlet, don't allow it to condition you to lash out physically when your anger is triggered. This would be terribly counterproductive. Running is a good one because you can fuel off your anger to the point of exhaustion and then, after you have sweated and huffed and puffed it out, you'll have a clear head.

Medication. Look into an antidepressant as anger is a side effect/result of depression.

Change your music preference to something that isn't a trigger. Obviously rap, metal, and the likes aren't the most soothing options. Easy listening or classical/instrumental if you can stand it. Try movie scores...

Change your diet... I believe high sodium intake is a bad thing for this sort of problem. You'd have to do a little more research for anything more than that.

If you have a subscription to America's 1st Freedom, stop reading them, at least from cover to cover in one sitting. I had to quit cold turkey for a while, because I would get so furious at all the injustices that are being served to us on a silver platter.

Anywho... my 0$.02 after tax, tags, tip, s&h.

TXL,

Prayers are on the way brother.

Be sure to stay in counseling, both marital and individual if necessary.

CMOS

I had an angry friend once....
tips- quit drinking totally (if you drink) 2. consider possible medication- nobody likes to admit it, but it might be necessary- i have seen it do wonders.

A heavy physical workout schedule will work miracles.

Combine this with some meditation (or just contemplative, self-analysis time done alone in the quiet).

You're aware of the problem and you know what you don't want to be.

That's 80% of the battle.

No prayers but advice instead.

I come from a long line of angry ancestors.  My dad use to lose his shit multiple times a day and my brother still does.   As a youth, I was no different.  Pressure use to build up till it was like a volcano and I would errupt spewing flames and throwing bolders.  

I knew I had to change.  I tried holding it in but that actually made it worse for then the pressure would build till the erruption was worse.

What I found that worked is channeling.  Anger is born of frustration.  Frustration like steam in a pipe with ever increasing temperatures keeps building until your relief valve pops.  Not much you can do at first about that relief valve set point, you can eventually but not at first.  I found that if I build a little bypass line, it keeps the pressure down.  

Where you channel that frustration will vary by the person for me it was into activity.  I don't mean hitting shit but have.  I found that by avoiding the frustration and then venting the what little was there, I avoided anger.  "We will discuss this later." became a common line in my vocabulary immediately followed by focusing on something that kept me busy mentally.  Easiest is something that occupies both your brain and your motor skills.  After I calmed down I would approach the source topic of my frustration a portion at a time in my head and think it out logically.  Once I feel the frustration building, I channel again or now it becomes "I'll think about this later.".   I repeat the entire process until I can face the problem without frustration.

This works great at home but where it sucks is in a car where you can't channel due to space constraints nor can you walk away.  I use to explode and chase assholes down and such.  Talk about stupid, once I chased a car that almost killed me on a motorcycle and kicked it's door in. Guess who could have won that battle easily?  What I did here was when alone I would bitch outloud at every car for the least infraction.  What I found was when a major infraction occurred I did no more than the minors.  This in a way was channeling.

Eventually this technique becomes a hassle and source of frustration in it's self. This is  especially frustrating when you need a fast answer to a delima.  With a dedication in your head not to forsake the channeling thus erruption of anger, eventually you learn that the way to avoid the channeling is by not having the frustration to begin with .  One day you wake up a new person.

I know this is mind games but that is what anger is all about.  No one can manage your mind better than you can.  Get to know yourself and what makes what happen in your head.  Strange as this seems meditation techniques help here.  I don't mean setting in the lotus position and going "Ohmmmmm" but something like trying to think of two things at once then three things at once etc.  This gives you more control over your mind.  It allows you to channel the frustration into one thought pattern while addressing the situation in another.  

I guess now days they call this anger management but didn't have this when I was a hot head but I was dedicated to not being my father and living a better life.  

Yes you can change.  The power is within you and the dedication is within you.  God willing the patience will be with your family as you address this.  Share with them what you are doing.

I will pray that time will be on your side.  

Tj

Quoted: Anger was a problem for me until I decided I just didn't give a shit.  I still get pissed over some stupid things, but I don't actually care about most things anymore.

My experience exactly. Anger, work  and family stress drove me to the (almost) breaking point several years ago. I was angry all the time and the  littlest things could send me into a  red-faced rage. Being pissed off actually felt GOOD (probably the endorphins and accelerated pulse rate), but the cost was alienation from almost everybody I knew,  being passed over for a big promotion because of my cruddy personality, unhappiness in every aspect of life and finally depression.

Things  got MUCH better when I decided to just let it go....... All the idiots out there aren't immportant enough to justify lburning yourself  into a mental  and emotional cinder.

Check out some self help books on anger management and a technique called "focusing" by a  doc named Gendlin (sp?)

CKMorley

One of the hardest parts is admitting that you have a problem with something.  Good luck and prayers sent that you are successful in managing your problems.

I don't know if you are into that stuff, but books by Dan Millman, Jack Kornfield, etc. definitely help being aware that YOU are not angry, you are merely experiencing an emotion called anger. Jack Kornfield puts it very well- we are like a very quiet, clear lake and our emotions are little stones thrown into it. Once the (emotional) waves are gone you can see the ground of the lake- focus on that. It takes a while, but Kornfield gives you some meditations to work with- and after a while, you can literally step aside from your emotions and think "gosh, here I am, becoming angry again- isn't that ridicoulus?"   Btw, one can be a Christian and use Buddhist techniques..
Talk to your wife and ask her for a certain amount of time- if you haven't changed in, say, 4 months, your are letting here go.


Best Regards

Cato

See your doctor right away to see about treating clinical depression.  If you have it, and it sounds like you might, it's easily treatable.  

First - you are not alone but you are WAAAAYYY ahead of most guys because you are willing to examine your own behavior.  I have been exactly where you are.

You need to find a counselor for you and your wife right now.  Ask the ones you contact if they specialize in treating men and specifically men with covert depression.  Your wife will be along during this, but you will be the primary person getting counseled.  

Don't be afraid of the word "depression" because of the negative connotations.  Not everyone who suffers from depression is a nut case and taking prozac.  Once you learn more about this, you will probably notice the symptoms in a LOT of guys you know.

Second - buy this book right now, either on the web or at a store if you can find it: "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terry Real.

Here is a quick synopsis:

Twenty years of experience treating men and their families has convinced Terrence Real that there are two forms of depression: "overt" and "covert." Feeling the stigma of depression's unmanliness," many men hide their condition not only from family and friends but even from themselves. Attempts to escape depression fuel many of the problems we think of as typically male -- difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage. By directing their pain outward, depressed men hurt the people they love, and, most tragically, pass their condition on to their children. A master storyteller, Terrence Real mixes penetrating analysis with poignant, compelling tales of the men and women whom he treats. He writes with passion and searing clarity about his own experiences with depression, as the son of a depressed, violent father, and the father of two young sons.

Trust me, again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and you are not crazy or a bad person.  In fact, the most heroic men are the ones who have the courage to face their problems, work on them and not pass the traits on to their children.

I applaud the steps you are taking and I will pray for you and your family.  Good luck brother, it will work out!

Jesus H. Christ! This f*cking thread pisses me off!

I used to have a short, borderline violent fuse.

Eventually I started to see what it was doing to me.  It was adding to my stress level without doing anything to resolve a situation.  If I got mad at somebody in traffic I was cranked up, but the other person was usually oblivious.  I was mad at my ex-wife, but we had no contact, so I was the only person hurt by my feelings.

I eventually learned several things.

1. I can't pick up every gauntlet cast down in front of me.  I need to pick and choose my battles wisely rather than blindly thrashing all around me.

2.  I started putting problems into two categories: Big Bears and Little Bears.  The key is that you don't worry about the little bears (trivial stuff that won't matter tomorrow).

3.  We each have a set of buttons.  Push this button and Brohawk gets mad.  Push that one and he gets depressed.  Push another and he gets frustrated.  I was letting other people push my buttons.  Eventually I learned to take control of my control panel.  I can't control the actions of other people; I can only control my response to them.  In the aviation world we place guards over critical switches so people can't inadvertently operate them.  That's what I did to my internal buttons.

The result is that I'm much calmer and my stress level has reduced drastically.

I hope this helps.

I had the opposite problem. Instead of getting mad at everything, I held every emotion in; anger, sadness, happiness. Please try to avoid that, anger is ok to express, as long as it isn't the only emotion you display. Many men have trouble admitting it, but we have feelings just as much as women but are not allowed to show it in our society. I know underlying my problem was depression, and while I never went on medication, I struggle each day to keep a positive outlook on life.

The best thing besides counseling right now might be an hour or so of alone time each day. During this time, don't talk to people, read your books, or do anything else. Solely think about what you don't like about your life, and what you do like. and think about why you don't like certain things, and think about what you can do to change them so that you will like them, or how to get them out of your life. I started keeping a journal, and it allows me to look back and see how my entries have steadily become more positive, and it helps me keep a positive outlook on life. It might be something to try, if you're forced to put your thoughts to paper it might allow you to see clearly how you want to live the next day.

Exercise, as recommended before is also a good help. Do a race for the cure, or some other walk/bike/run type thing, preferably with your family, but if your children are too young, I suggest you do one with your wife. This will keep you both active, give you something positive to share together and will also give you time to talk about the important things. By doing a walk/run, you can take it at an easy pace and not worry about rankings or competing, and it is easy to get into if you haven't been doing any activity right now.

Prayers sent.

Hang in there buddy!  I'm here if you want to talk.

Quoted: Here is a quick synopsis: Attempts to escape depression fuel many of the problems we think of as typically male -- difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage.

Sounds REALLY familiar......
IOW..... been there, done that

CKMorley