User Panel
User Panel
User Panel
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:11:54 AM EDT
[#1]
I went for a hearing test, and my mom called me up and asked how it went.
I said, "Remember when I was a kid and you kept yelling at me about how loud music was going to make me go deaf one day? They said your constant yelling has made me go deaf." |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:12:18 AM EDT
[#2]
The response "Your Mom (add witty comment)" usually does the trick in many situations.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:12:39 AM EDT
[#3]
"I'd explain it to you, but I don't have the time or the crayons..."
Someone once said to me something I like to say once in a while Them: Where you going? Me: to the bathroom. wanna come with me? Doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy! That's the way it normally goes. But someone said it to me. I quipped back: "yeah, those toilet seats weigh a TON!" |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:15:37 AM EDT
[#4]
I used one the other day that I used in GD. My friends wife said "Bernie is a man that stands by his convictions." I replied with "So was Hitler." You could literally hear a pin drop in the room before she abruptly changed the subject.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:15:49 AM EDT
[#5]
The ones that fuck with me, are when they are random and pre-emptive.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:16:33 AM EDT
[#6]
Car dealer GM.
We had been there for hours, GM comes in shake my hand we have a deal. I stick my hand out and he says you just need to come up $100. I looked at my wife and said let's go. He said you are going to walk away and lose this deal over $100? I said no, you are. The salesman LOL'd. We got the car. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:17:29 AM EDT
[#7]
The jerk store called,and they are running out of you.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:17:36 AM EDT
[#8]
Q: How's your wife and my kids?
A: Wife's fine, kids are retarded. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:20:02 AM EDT
[#9]
20 years ago..... I was reading a book in the living room, , and wife and her mother were upstairs messing with her computer. mother in law had a big mouth, and was pretty loud most of the time, so I can pretty clearly hear them upstairs.
mother in law..... ( angrily stabbing keyboard).... "I CANT GET MY PERIOD TO TAKE ! WHY WONT MY PERIOD TAKE ! ?!?!?! ME...................CAUSE YOU PASSED MENOPAUSE ! ! mother in law..... 
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:20:02 AM EDT
[#10]
Anytime someone makes a smarmy remark about me smoking on my own property, I chime in with this arfcom gem:
Them: smarmy jab at smokers. Me: I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be 95. Them: Did he smoke a pack a day? Me: No, but he knew when to keep his God damned mouth shut. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:20:48 AM EDT
[#11]
Wife: "This isn't a dictatorship!"
Me: "Yes, it is because I have the dick and the taters." Wife: 
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:22:49 AM EDT
[#12]
With the Ex Gf at her daughters HS volleyball game in between matches and talking to the coach . The topic of what he does at school comes up. He says he works with special needs students . To which I replied , I work with retards too . . The ex did not think it was as funny as I did , hell even the coach cracked a smile
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:23:15 AM EDT
[#13]
Sitting at a dinner w/ ex-girlfriend and two other couples. We're all tatted guys in black button down dress shirts and slacks. The stupidest of the girls won't shut up about our black shirt uniforms. The angriest of the guys looks up and says, "It could be worse. They could be brown shirts." Queue raucous laughter from the guys side of the table. Awkward silence from the ladies.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:26:13 AM EDT
[#14]
A guy at work that was close to his retirement kept reminding evrybody how many days he had and left and one day said "I'm counting down the days!", to which I replied "so are we!".
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:26:30 AM EDT
[#15]
Walked into my local barbershop on St. Paddy's day and the one gay barber asks me where my green is. I tell him in my pocket. I now cut my own hair!!!
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:26:46 AM EDT
[#16]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Car dealer GM. We had been there for hours, GM comes in shake my hand we have a deal. I stick my hand out and he says you just need to come up $100. I looked at my wife and said let's go. He said you are going to walk away and lose this deal over $100? I said no, you are. The salesman LOL'd. We got the car. Priceless 
Been car shopping for the wife, I've about had enough of all the 'smoke & mirrors' bullshit. Permission to use your line, should the opportunity present itself? |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:27:57 AM EDT
[#17]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
The jerk store called,and they are running out of you. damn, came here to post this. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:30:27 AM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
The jerk store called,and they are running out of you. I came in here to say this.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:32:09 AM EDT
[#19]
I was 7 yrs old and one of my friends call me a jerk.
I replied with "I know you are but what am I" |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:34:04 AM EDT
[#20]
stolen from some thread in GD a while back:
talking with my wife Her: yada yada blah blah blah something something something. Me Ok. Do you want to hear my opinion or are you just looking to hear your opinion in a deeper voice? Her
Me:
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:37:14 AM EDT
[#21]
I didn't say this, someone said it to me.
I was driving to work in a snowstorm so traffic was horrendous. I'm sitting at a green light, waiting for the intersection to clear before pulling through. The guy next to me pulls through and takes my spot. I honk and because of the bad traffic, I'm pissed enough to roll my window down to yell at the dude. I can't remember how the insults started but at some point I yell, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" and he yells back, "IT WAS A MANUEVER!" I started laughing and rolled up my window. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:37:30 AM EDT
[#22]
Your lips, my butt, they should meet.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:38:32 AM EDT
[#23]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Priceless
Been car shopping for the wife, I've about had enough of all the 'smoke & mirrors' bullshit. Permission to use your line, should the opportunity present itself? Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Car dealer GM. We had been there for hours, GM comes in shake my hand we have a deal. I stick my hand out and he says you just need to come up $100. I looked at my wife and said let's go. He said you are going to walk away and lose this deal over $100? I said no, you are. The salesman LOL'd. We got the car. Priceless
Been car shopping for the wife, I've about had enough of all the 'smoke & mirrors' bullshit. Permission to use your line, should the opportunity present itself? Sure.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:39:25 AM EDT
[#24]
I used to work with a real joker, but while he could dish it he couldn't take it and would talk shit all day long but get pissy any time someone threw it back in his face.
I was testing an air monitor (a piece of safety equipment) one day. Dude loved to walk around the office and it just so happened that he walked through the door just as the alarm on the monitor went off. He struts in asking what the racket is, without silencing the alarm I holler "faggot alarm - went off as soon as you walked through the door" while keeping a straight face - until everyone started laughing at him. He kinda pouted for a minute but didn't stick around to talk shit. I wasn't around the office much but apparently that one got him good enough that people busted his balls about it for a while afterward. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:40:15 AM EDT
[#25]
I once thought I was wrong, I was actually only mistaken
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:42:27 AM EDT
[#26]
Had a Cpl in my unit that kept ssking, "How's your wife snd my kids?"
We got a Sgt transferred in and the Cpl asked him that the first day. Sgt said, "Wife's ok but the kids are kind of stupid and ugly." |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:43:07 AM EDT
[#27]
My response to my first boss when he posed this question at the end of a customer meeting:
Boss: Hey, can anyone here break a $20? Me: Nope, I don't get paid that much. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:43:26 AM EDT
[#28]
Hey ump, get off your knee's, your blowing the game.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:43:51 AM EDT
[#29]
everytime i'd make a mistake, my old master plumber would holler, " you're killin' me smalls!'
to which, i started replying, "well, hurry up and die, cuz i'm sick of hearin' about it!" |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:47:15 AM EDT
[#30]
Quote HistoryQuoted: The response "Your Mom (add witty comment)" usually does the trick in many situations. Four guys sitting at a table. Guy 2 was bragging about his girlfriend. The subject changes. [I'm not in this conversation btw] Guy 1: I didn't get too far on the project last weekend. There was no one to help me. [looking sad] Guy 2: That looks well rehearsed. You get that lonely often? Guy1: Why would I get lonely when I have your girlfriend? Guy 2 looked pwned. I know it wasn't that original but it was timed perfectly. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:48:28 AM EDT
[#31]
Fellow manager at a telecom had a grievance overturned by his pussy boss. Boss says I need to the rest room. Manager says"which one?"
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:49:36 AM EDT
[#32]
I use "Don't hurt yourself" a lot...
Someone says "I'm going on break"... "Don't hurt yourself" "I'm going to the bathroom"... "Don't hurt yourself" Not all that witty, but they usually pause because they don't know what to say; and anything they so reply with usually sounds stupid.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:50:26 AM EDT
[#33]
Heated "discussion" with wife.......she says "why did we get married anyways?"
Me: "I had to decide between lonely or miserable" Dead silence... Shopping just before Christmas, well-endowed cute sales lady is wearing fake reindeer antlers on her head Me: "nice rack!" Her: excuse me??? Me: (pointing at her hair) "that's a nice rack you have there" She didn't think it was funny |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:51:36 AM EDT
[#34]
a former co worker and I used to give each other shit all the time over everything. Good times. THe best one was:
Him:you know how I know your gay? Me: My dick tasted like shit last night? The look on his face as he realized what I said and how that made him gay was well. Everyone cracked up. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:54:38 AM EDT
[#35]
Sophomore year biology class. I was being my usual goof-off self, being somewhat disruptive in class.
Teacher says "Mr.Brown, please stay after class for a very one-sided conversation." I respond, without hesitation, "what do you want me to say?" Class got very quiet. I said no more. After class, teacher said that was a great response!
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:54:53 AM EDT
[#36]
Me to my ex - "I am sorry"
My ex - "yeah you are" 
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:55:48 AM EDT
[#37]
First drill with a new Guard unit, I made the mistake of catching a ride with a friend who will be at least 5 minutes late to his own funeral.
We walk in right after first formation. The first SGT looks at me and says smitty knows this but you're new so I will explain it. There are only two valid reasons to be late Pussy and Food, either way you gotta bring me some. I looked him in the eye and said, wanna lick my fingers top? He got a shocked look on his face and said I like you. But I'm gonna keep my eye on you. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:56:43 AM EDT
[#38]
One time I was in line at the Wendy's and this guy comes in...and I was like, hey buddy...go fuck yourself.
It was awesome. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:57:04 AM EDT
[#39]
As a young engineer, I was riding with our old manager and a customer. They had been giving me crap all day about how young I was. The old manager was an artillery spotter in Vietnam, and he had been serenading us with tales of his army days. We drove past an old muzzle loading cannon. I pointed it out and asked if that was the kind of cannon they used back when he was in the army. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:57:11 AM EDT
[#40]
Worked with a woman that was quite talkative and known to constantly interrupt with whatever and whenever.
I was having an informal meeting with some co-workers, assigning responsibilities for a project, she kept chiming in, and I kept talking over her until she got frustrated and blurted out: Her: "Excuse me, can I talk?" 
MM: "Boy, can you ever." Everyone in the room lost it including her. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:57:31 AM EDT
[#41]
I was smoking outside of the grocery store. This lady waddles out of the store and down the sidewalk. She stops in front of me and gives me a dirty look. I raise my eyebrow and she says "You know, those cigarettes are turning your lungs black". I replied, pointing to her cart "You know, those potato chips are making your ass fat".
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:58:04 AM EDT
[#42]
If you really want to piss someone off, especially the wife.....tell them "I'd agree with you, but then we would both be wrong!"
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:58:32 AM EDT
[#43]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
a former co worker and I used to give each other shit all the time over everything. Good times. THe best one was: Him:you know how I know your gay? Me: My dick tasted like shit last night? The look on his face as he realized what I said and how that made him gay was well. Everyone cracked up. Is this your coming out thread?
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 11:58:57 AM EDT
[#44]
"Said the Liar" after whatever someone says or Said the racist".
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:00:24 PM EDT
[#45]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
One time I was in line at the Wendy's and this guy comes in...and I was like, hey buddy...go fuck yourself. It was awesome. 
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:02:03 PM EDT
[#46]
Quoted:
But did you ever nail one in real life? Well, I just did. He said "A lot of people keep dropping the pin, I can do it because I have really strong fingers." Then he looked at me and added "He knows why my fingers are strong." All 12 engineers turned and looked at me, and I said "Yeah, from jerking off all the time, right?" Now I'm still laughing at my own quick witted response You ever have a the perfect satire worthy response? That's what you call nailing sharp and witty? |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:02:49 PM EDT
[#47]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
With the Ex Gf at her daughters HS volleyball game in between matches and talking to the coach . The topic of what he does at school comes up. He says he works with special needs students . To which I replied , I work with retards too . . The ex did not think it was as funny as I did , hell even the coach cracked a smile  Now that was good... and bad.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:03:03 PM EDT
[#48]
Two guys in a match shooting movers at 600Y.
One is calling the impacts for the other and says: "OOOH! That last shot would have been GREAT if the target was there...." |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:03:55 PM EDT
[#49]
lady called from my fathers laundry while he was out of the country..
she said "I lost my EBT card at your business, you need to find it" I said "lady, I didn't find your card, but I can probably help you find a job" she took that as a insult
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:04:09 PM EDT
[#50]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
That's what you call nailing sharp and witty? Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
But did you ever nail one in real life? Well, I just did. He said "A lot of people keep dropping the pin, I can do it because I have really strong fingers." Then he looked at me and added "He knows why my fingers are strong." All 12 engineers turned and looked at me, and I said "Yeah, from jerking off all the time, right?" Now I'm still laughing at my own quick witted response You ever have a the perfect satire worthy response? That's what you call nailing sharp and witty? OP just graduated to Middle School? |
|
|
AR15.COM is the world's largest firearm community and is a gathering place for firearm enthusiasts of all types.
From hunters and military members, to competition shooters and general firearm enthusiasts, we welcome anyone who values and respects the way of the firearm.
Subscribe to our monthly Newsletter to receive firearm news, product discounts from your favorite Industry Partners, and more.
Copyright © 1996-2024 AR15.COM LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Any use of this content without express written consent is prohibited.
AR15.Com reserves the right to overwrite or replace any affiliate, commercial, or monetizable links, posted by users, with our own.
