What are some of the funny shit you remember from your basic training experience?

One of my favorite was our drill sgt was showing us the appropriate shower uniform. He walks in wearing a shower cap, shower shoes, a hand towel, a loofa, a rubber ducky and the most dead pan expression I have ever seen.

One of the privates snickered a little bit and drill sergeant Wagner turned, glared at him and said, "Something fucking funny, private?"

The guy just said, "No Drill Sergeant."

Drill Sergeant Wagner looks the guy up and down, smirks and says "Real men use loofas, you fairy fuck", squeezes the rubber ducky which emits a couple of squeaks, turns, walks into the shower room and proceeds to tell us that the rubber ducky was named Captain Quackles and was our shower chaperone. He set the duck on the top of one of the soap holders and tells us that we are never to touch Captain Quackles without his being present so that he can ensure that we're "not assaulting a motherfucking officer with our faggoty little dicks. There will be no sexual harassment in my showers, you cock suckers." We almost died trying not to laugh.

We had a tanker DS in my Infantry company at OSUT.  He was relentlessly picked on by the other DS's and carried a huge chip on his shoulder. His number one pet peeve was to "catch a motherfucker wearing socks" at night. During the winter months lots of guys slept in their socks. That was a no go of the highest order. Many 1:00 AM to 3:00 AM smoke sessions were had by ever vigilant drill sergeants catching a motherfucker wearing socks. Good times were had by all.

I lold

-I dont have much, but around week 3 DS decided to "kidnap" the guy above my bunk at 2am, and then said he was haji and that the rest of the platoon had better stop him before he takes him prisoner. So we had like 10 dudes trying to tackle the DS, who all failed miserably.

-Myself and another guy were late to the DFAC (buffing the barracks, injured), when a CPT was in our direct path. This guy didnt understand how to address a passing-by officer on the go, so he breaks cadence, sprints in front of me to the incoming CPT, stops in front of him and says "ATTENTION!". He got bitched out for a good 5 minutes. Nothing much else exciting, just the occasional asshattery in the barracks, drama, etc.

-Samoan dude, was a recycle in my platoon in the beginning. Decided he couldnt hack it anymore, had the quitter attitude going on. After everyone bitched him out and told him he cant quit, he decides hes going to kill himself by hanging himself with his belt, using the fucking COAT HANGAR in the lockers as leverage. You know, that flimsy hollow bar that cant hold more than 15lbs.  As soon as he tried to do it, the bar snapped out of place and his head went straight into the corner of one of the metal frames on the lower bunk.

Marine Corps Drill Instructors have a more dark sense of humor. They don't engage in silliness. They are sadistic. Their shenanigans are tragic, and sad...

some of those stories.... WTF were those Drills thinking.

"You must be some kind of geniei since you were the only one here that somehow knew that.  Noticed how I said geniei and not genius, because only one of you figured it out, and geniei is the singular of genius."

"Make sure your laundry bag is tied in a tight knot.  See how the knot looks like a butthole?  Ducks have watertight buttholes so they don't sink.  Make sure the knot as tight as a duck's butthole so you don't sink during inspection."

While marching in formation on the sidewalk coming up on a couple guys strolling:
"Might want to get out of our way, or we'll run you down like dogs in the street."

one day I was sick, and Ssgt. Thomas, my TI made me run anyway.  While running, another TI ran up to me:
"Airman, you don't look too good."
"I'm sick and running a fever sir"
"Did you tell your TI?"
"Sgt Thomas told me to run it off."
"Well, Sgt Thomas knows best," as he ran off and I collapsed in the grass next to the sidewalk.

After qualifying with M16s and I outshot the entire flight:
"Who's the super sniper that shot 38/40?"
"That was me sir."
"Holy shit D'Souza,  do you need me to take you to a book depository or grassy knoll somewhere?"

When I went through Air Assault, there was one instructor who was teaching us about P shaped clevis's and chain leg sets.  He said something like "You better be hustling out there rigging this stuff up...I wanna see fire in your eyes and sparks shootin outta your ass!"

At Recondo, we had this one black NCO who talked like he had a mouth full of marbles.  We were setting up our shelter halves and he goes "Watch out where you put those tents.  You might get bit by a nake and then get the plaque!"

Yes a "nake" instead of a "snake" and "plaque" instead of "plague".

We about died laughing.  

A few sayings:

-"Goddamit private, you are fucking pissing me off! I'm going to go home and kick my son in the chest!" (The Drill Sergeant was Puerto Rican but for some reason he had kind of a Jamaican accent.

-"I'm fucking this cat, you're just holding the tail"  Drill Sergeant Turnage.  He would also call himself "The Bad Man".  Both of these guys were 1st platoon drill sergeants, I was in third platoon.

This is true.  

Before we go to bed every night we sang the first part of the Marines Hymn.  One night we had someone who thought we should get louder and did the louder motion with his hands.  The Drill Instructor saw this and before anyone could blink went from the whiskey locker to dudes rack and drop kicked him in the chest.  Top 5 moment in Boot camp.

We were doing final gear inspections and the dude who had the rack next to me (Big ol' Missuri redneck) told our Drill Instructor (Same as above) that his combat boot "had too much fuzz on it".  I've only seen a black man blush twice in my life and that was the first time.

Which makes them not really shenanigans at all.

 

45 years ago and I still remember him always saying "it would behooves you men ..."

After some particularly good chow, I had really REALLY rancid gas.

So it's me two other cruits and the DI in a tank . An SBD leaked out, fucking DI was pissed, told us whoever the fuck did that to get the fuck out if it was to happen again.

My belly is rolling , I'm in pain holding that shit in.

But I can't get out now, he'll know I was guilty of the first.

Fuck me , I couldn't do it. Another one slipped out . He was really pissed now

Yeah we did some push ups .

During a rare moment when he allowed questions, one of the trainees asked Drill Sergeant Moore, a genuine Vietnam Badass, who did our morning five-miler running backwards singing cadence, ": Drill Sergeant, Don't you get tired getting up every morning and doing PT with us?"

SFC Moore just sneered at him. " When I get done with you pussies , I have to go to the Gym and work out, just to stay in shape!"

He was a Marine in Vietnam, joined the Army to shoot on the Marksmanship Unit and " Take it Easy".

I was the private who was always smiling......and our Drill Instructors were mostly Vietnam combat vets-and had seen and done some shit......had no sense of humor whatsoever.

But, a lot of what they said in those sadistic whispers were funny:

Sir, Private Schmuck requests permission to make a head call, sir......

DI Sargent Hernandez (whom the new corps now calls the "heavy hat" ) quietly stalks up to private Schmuck and whispers a command

"Open your mouth"

Private Schmuck instanty obeys.

DI peeks into private Schmuck's mouth........permission denied private, your tonsils are not under water yet!

Since the DI is now in close proximity to private Schmuck.....he notices that his face isn't bloody from shaving close enough and begins to question private Schmuck about his shaving habits and tools......."Did you shave this morning Private Schmuck?"

"Sir, yes Sir", Private Schmuck belts out with a tone in his voice that now conveys his understanding that he has just invited the man into his life........

"What did you use to shave with this morning Private, a dull rock?"

I lost it.......and cracked a smirk and quietly laughed

DI Sgt Hernandez snaps his head over to me and stalks over like a fucking lion about to eat a baby gazelle......"Oh, gang, private Btccw thinks I'm funny........Drop!!  And suddenly what was funny an hour ago turned into not so funny.


Lesson learned.....don't invite the man into your life.

I always loved you guys (smilers,snickerers)

Kept the focus off of me

It was always the same thoughts

1: Oooohhhh you dumbass

2: laugh on the inside

3: bet you don't do that again

Drill Sergeant -Drop and give me a 1,000 push-ups !!!!!!!!!!! Private- I can't do that many !!!!!!!!! Drill Sergeant- Well do'em til you die

This man speaks the truth. I went to boot camp in July of '87 and we had Sgt Collins.
Sgt Collins was about 5'3" and 145lbs and was one of the most demented humans I've met in my life...funny, but demented.

He used to play games with us that were epic, when he spent the night with us. He would generally go to the E-Club, or somewhere, and get loaded and then come back and fuck with us all night.

One of his favorites was to have us all stand on line and drink 3-4 canteens full of water, then just stand there and bounce up and down until we threw up. The last one to throw up "won".

Another favorite was "fight nights". He would get the whole platoon in the showers in a big circle and call out two names. Those two recruits got into the middle and fought...until one of them won. The winner stayed in and fought until he lost.

My favorite was when we played Pac Man. He would have us drag our racks out into the middle of the squad bay and form them into a maze. Then we put our wool blankets over our head and ran through the maze going "waka-waka-waka" while Sgt Collins was on top of the racks with a broom handle hitting us as we ran by...good times.

Years later, I was contracting with a company and worked with a retired Sgt.Maj., Sgt.Maj. Barrett. He was a DI at PI around the same time I went through boot camp and said that Sgt Collins had gotten fired later that year at Christmas. On Christmas Eve, he had his platoon go out to The Grinder and climb one of the trees with their moonbeams with different colored filters in them and made a "living Christmas tree". He was on the ground yelling up into the tree, "GREEN, RED, BLUE WHITE", and the recruits with the appropriately colored lights would turn theirs on while singing "Oh Christmas Tree". Sgt.Maj. Barrett said he was kicked off the drill field, demoted and sent to the fleet.

This was obviously well before all the "hazing" bullshit.
Good times.

You're welcome......

The funniest episode that I remember involved the private next to me in the squad bay.  His name was Olmost. We had these hygine inspections every night where we would stand on our foot lockers and the DI would walk by and observe our hands, feet, teeth, etc-and we were to sound off if we had any medical issues.  It sounded something like this at the top of your lungs.
"Sir, Private  (fill in your last name here) has no medical problems sir!".

We also had the meanest-----I'm talking cobra mean----Company Commander ever to put on a Marine Corps uniform.  As a First Leutenent He had to have been late twenties and I don't know what happened to him (other than being assigned to MCRD San Diego instead of killing communists with his eyes)  but he was ice cold soul less. This guy was stone cold killer mean and you Did Not Fuck with this guy he was that scary and perpetually pissed off. This guy ate raw kittens for breadfast and he was hungry.

Guess who is coming to do our hygine inspections tonight?  Yep-the Company Commander.  

All goes well until he gets to private Olmost who, exactly on cue, says in a very nervous hispanic accent; "Sir Private Olmost has no medical problems Sir!"  

I'm stairing straight ahead but I can see the confusion creep over this Cobra Mean SOB 's face out of the corner of my right eye.

He snaps his head back up and growls to Private Olmost.....What did you say?  Everyone in the squad bay stopped breathing.

Of course Private Olmost repeats verbatum what he just said only this time faster and with a whole lot more fear in his voice which raised it several octives. "Sir, Private Olmost has no medical problems, Sir!

Now the Company commander is pissed-vein popping-eye bulging-war face staring-I'm going to grab you by the throat and squeeze the life out of you pissed........this private is yanking his chain but just to be sure he growls...."What the fuck do you mean you ALMOST have no medical problems?"  Do you have one or not?

And again......even more flustered and scared Private Olmost states that he Olmost has no medical problems.  "Are you fuckin with me Private?"........Sir, no Sir!  Private Olmost has no medical problems.......

Finally, the Senior Drill Instructor had to interveine and explain (in English) that the Private's name was Olmost.......and we all started breathing again.

The Company Commander now realized he had made an ass of himself was not amused and thankfully passed by me quickly because I had bitten my tongue in half by that point.  

Holy Shit  that was funny Olmost....and if you're out there I hope you've had a great life!

I don't remember my DS's doing silly things. I remember them doing things that would make us laugh at inappropriate times that would end up with us in pain.

You guys are talking about Basic?...Cherries....

My DS accused me of being racist, even though the only guy I really talked to in basic was the black (liberal) son of a congressman.

You... d-d-d-dirtbags.... are ... p-p-p-pissinmeoff!

It got hilarious when he called cadence.


SSG. Pinkney B Co. 577th Engineer Bn. 1987.

Reading this shit makes me feel like I'm sitting outside the fucking laundry room... listening to all the same Private bullshit I've heard before.

One cold, windy night of drill, SSgt Borella looks some dude dead in the eye and says,
"It's ok to step on your dick, just don't mark time on that mother fucker."
He would have killed me for laughing if he hadn't busted out himself.

"The push-up is a four-count exercise.  I will count the cadence and you will count the repetitions.  Starting position: MOVE..."

Only heard a few stories about the training part when my dad was in. He told me pretty much they could say anything to you and it was good to go. Most of the funny stories involved the cadets not the Drill Sgt

This man....he speaks the truth.

Good lord...I can laugh about it now, but it sucked experiencing it in real life.

When I was in OCS, one of the cadre was a SGT who was half crazy and half hilarious. He showed up to the training area driving a 44 pax bus, and once everyone was on be yells "hold on tight, I've only got two speeds, fast and fucking kill."

He wasn't joking, I think he managed to drift that blue bird on the dirt roads.

 

While in formation.  Half right face, front leaning rest position, MOVE......

 

"Private! Go tell Drill Sergeant Washington you want him to be your daddy."

How did that one go?



 

Reverse Koala:

Place Privates on tree trunk upside down.

Wait for muscle failure.

Jesus fuck & Jesus fuck tits

Lemme think, I recall forgetting about one Private after telling him to low-crawl 100 feet and turn around and come back.
That idiot low-crawled to the next range over... he had no idea what 100 feet looked like.  Turns out, he was just scared of what would happen if he came back without having made the distance.

Fucking city kids, I swear.

Our Company Comander informed us that if he caught anyone jerking off they would be wearing one boondocker and one ground grabber for their stay in bootcamp. We all thought it was funny joke. Several weeks later we are marching back from chow and pass a group of 6 posmonaughts in formation wearing one boondocker and one ground grabber.

Exercise three, conditioning drill one: the push-up. A four count exercise done at a moderate cadence. I'll count the cadence, you count the repetitions. Starting position, move. In cadence, exercise.

" private, when you fuck your girlfriend, do you like it when she is on top" ?

" yes drill sergeant"

thats because all you can do is FUCK UP private ! ! "

Man, what?

1st night at AIT and 1st formation. senior DI walks up and says "All you fuckheads need to know is that I'm the macaroni with extra cheese in this motherfucker"...some fuckheads snicker and we get smoked for 3 hours...in our class A's

LOL...I'm a former Navy Recruit Company Commander and I don't know WTF a "ground grabber" is. Is this a San Diego thing?

I wasn't the target of the command.  But, I do recall hearing, "You want me to be what?!?!?" followed by a flurry of yelling commands for push ups or mountain climbers.  It happened our first day, in the first hour, of being assigned to our company from the reception center.  I was busy practicing how to awaken to reveille, get into uniform, make my bunk, shave and get into formation for the fourth or fifth time in the past 30 minutes (and yes they made use shave each time).

It all started with Drill Sergeant Morrison greeting us on the bus and telling us we had "30 Airborne seconds to get off my (his) bus and 29 of them are gone."  

Funny how some stuff that happened 30+ years ago seems like it happened last week.

First and Second Squad Fall Out, U-formation, Fall In.  Relax.  
Let me have your attention.  

The next position, which I will name, explain, have demonstrated, and which you will conduct practical work on, is the Position of Attention.

The Position of Attention is the key position for all stationary, facing, and marching movements.

The commands for this position are Fall In and Attention.

Fall In is a combined command.  Attention is a two-part command when preceded by a preparatory command, such as Squad, Platoon, or Demonstrator.  
I will use Demonstrator as the preparatory command and Attention as the command of execution.

When given, these commands are as follows:  

Fall In.  

Demonstrator, Attention.


Demonstrator, Post.  

I will use the talk-through method of instruction.

On the command Fall In or on the command of execution Attention of Demonstrator, Attention:

Bring the heels together sharply on line, with the toes pointing out equally, forming an angle of 45 degrees.  Rest the weight of the body evenly on the heels and balls of both feet.  
Keep the legs straight without locking the knees.  Hold the body erect with the hips level, chest lifted and arched, and the shoulders square.

Keep the head erect and face straight to the front with the chin drawn in so that the alignment of the head and neck is vertical.

Let the arms hang straight without stiffness.  Curl the fingers so that the tips of the thumbs are alongside and touching the first joint of the forefingers.  Keep the thumbs straight along the seams of the trouser leg with the first joint of the fingers touching the trousers.

Remain silent and do not move unless otherwise directed.  

Relax.

Note! This position is assumed by enlisted Soldiers when addressing officers, or when officers are addressing officers of superior rank.


At normal cadence, this position would look as follows:  Fall In.   Relax.

Demonstrator, Attention.   Relax.

What are your questions?

Ground grabber is what the CC called our athletic shoes. Yes it was San Diego in the early 80s.

I went to Basic in Aug in 1988. 2-3 weeks in the Reserve DS started showing up. My favorite was a big black guy that always had a smile on his face and called us (girls) Ladies. But the craziest SOB, got his skivvies in a twist one day and as we were all standing in formation he is chewing us out something fierce. I don't even remember the reason why. But to stress his point, he takes the Smokey Bear hat off his head and flings is across the formation area! It sailed like a frisbee, it was glorious!
I do not know how I kept the laughter in!

Our female DS, tiny little gal, but tough, was always dropping me for pushups and I kept thinking "why is this happening? I have my shit squared away?!" Anyway, 2 weeks or so go by and she calls me into the office. She then APOLOGIZES for all the times she dropped me when it was another PVT. We just both happened to have the same short dark hair, and glasses. She was in 1st PLT and I was in 3rd. Then she says I was a good PVT and routinely had my shit squared away.

She wanted to take long hot showers in the wee hours of the morning with you. You just didn't pick up on it.

I am disappoint

Ah, got it now. Although things were pretty much the same at the three boot camps, there were some local differences and colloquialisms.