I guess it's my turn to do one of these...

My father-in-law passed away 4 weeks ago and now my mother-in-law wants us to move in with her. My wife is onboard - I am not.

We (my wife and I are both 39) currently live in a twin (have so since 2015) and our goal is to find a single family home with some more yard space for our two girls (3 and 6) and our dog. We actually love our twin - it's easy to take care of and we have everything set up the way we want it. We also have great neighbors and the neighborhood itself is great. We still want a single family, but are perfectly content waiting until we either A.) Have more money/equity in our current home and/or B.) The right opportunity presents itself. And here lies the problem - that opportunity (in my wife and mother-in-law's mind) has now presented itself...

Her parents have always talked about us buying their house one day because they know that's our goal - a single family. And the market has been terrible for buyers so us buying their house (to them) would be a no brainer. It's a gorgeous large single family home with a big yard in an even nicer neighborhood. 3 car garage and house is completely turn-key - it's a gorgeous property. The best part is that we would have no mortgage because it would basically be gifted to us (yes, I know there are taxes involved in that process). All of that is a no-brainer, right? Well, it is to my wife and MIL.

4 weeks ago, my father-in-law passed away at 73 - he beat Leukemia with a stem-cell transplant, but it weakened him so badly that during the stem-cell recovery, an infection caused him to go down hill and he never recovered.

We're all devastated (he was a great man). And within days of his passing my MIL tells my wife she wants to sell the house, that is, unless we want to take it, provided she lives downstairs (they have a suite downstairs).

For a lot of reasons, it's a great idea - financially it's a no-brainer and we'd have a single family house in a dream neighborhood and the girls would have space, our dog, etc - we'd even have a babysitter there 24/7 for the girls.

For a long time, I thought "Yes, this will be great."

Now that it's here I've realized I cannot live in the same house as my mother-in-law - our marriage will now no longer be the two of us, but now my myself, my wife, and her mother. I don't think I REALLY thought about how that would change our family dynamic until now - when it's here and a decision needs to be made. Even with my MIL living downstairs, the dynamic that currently exists between my wife and children - it will be forever changed with her mother living in the same house.

I've always been somebody who says Yes because I want to please people and not hurt peoples feelings, but this is a hill I am willing to die on - I will not sacrifice my own happiness just to make my wife and more importantly my now widowed MIL feel better after losing my FIL.

My wife is really upset because she says I'm making her choose between her husband and her mother - I lost my cool when she said that and said, "So, who's it going to be - me or your mother?!"

What really bothers me is that this is the last thing I wanted to speak up about literally 4 weeks after her Dad died - everyone should be focusing on grieving. The problem is that her mom is pushing the shit out of this (party because I think she's super depressed and lonely and is thinking irrationally because of just losing her husband). The last thing I wanted to do is tell me wife "No" right now - just weeks after her Dad died - she has enough on her mind. But two days ago, my MIL told me wife (who told me) that we "should sell her house now because it's a good time to sell" - that's when I lost it and said (in my head) now is the time to speak up about this.

I will not (no matter how great the house is or how great it would be financially) completely alter my family dynamic and my own sanity by doing this. None of that is more important to me than my wife and kids and I refuse to change my life and our family dynamic because they think it's a good move.

Am I the asshole?

----------------------------------

UPDATE:

My wife spoke to her mother a little while ago and told her how I felt about it.

She's pissed and said the house is now off the table - she's selling and will find someplace to live. She was real short with my wife and didn't say a word when she left her house. Just said, "Fine - leave."

She was the one who forced a decision to be made less than 4 weeks after my FIL's death - I spoke up (for probably one of the few times in my life ever) and said I cannot do it - certainly not now.

But now I'm a huge asshole.

Also curious but don't want to call them all out - how many of the guys vehemently calling you an asshole have actually moved into their MILs house and lived under the same roof for a year or two?

I'd guess not many.

Like I said, it's very different to build a separate addition and help take care of her. I'm doing it and many others have too. But it's not the same as what you're talking about.

This is all the proof you need that you made the right choice.

 
Looked like a good deal anyway.
After that last update on m-i-l that showed it would have been a deal with a very high price to pay.
Good call OP.
Hopefully she moves across town.
She'll probably be re-married within two years.  
She needs to settle her ass down for a year or so and let things work itself out, think things out, etc. etc. Don't give anything away, don't sell anything. Get her head together. if that's possible.

Always... Always be the asshole

Dude - it's funny you say this because she absolutely was controlling with my father-in-law when he was alive. There was actually a time when he called my wife telling her he may divorce her mother because of how she treated him at times. That was only like maybe 5 or 6 years ago.

He put up with A LOT living with her - especially in his later years. And I saw it (shit, wife saw it too) with my own eyes and will never forget it. In the end, he always tool the high road and somehow was able to move on, but I vividly remember times when she was a controlling nag literally in front of family and friends in the room, right to his face.

And that's exactly how I feel now - she's yet again trying to be the one in control and saying, "take this offer" and when I say I feel otherwise I'm somehow insulting her - it's not going the way she planned. That is absolutely the hallmark sign of somebody who has to be in control as much as possible.

Why would I allow that shit into my everyday life (even if we now have a good relationship)? Whose to say it doesn't change over time and she does EXACTLY the same thing she did to my FIL but now to us?

Saw your update.

Man up and go speak to your mother n law.

Explain your fears.

Pray about it.

This arrangement is very common in other countries.

Be the man and leader they all need.

OP fumbled a free house

I actually offered that to my wife, but I think her mom is too pissed right now to even consider that.

I would love to talk to her - not because I NEED to explain the why, but I do respect her a lot and would gladly speak with her.

Right now, she's too pissed off at me.

Frankly, if that's the way she's going to act, as others have said - why in the fuck world I ever want to live in the same house as somebody who acts like that?

We've always treated her mother great - we made it a point to involve our girls in their lives (way more than my own parents) from day one and we have.

I would do anything for her if she needed it, but because I don't want to live with her, I'm a selfish asshole now?

They blind children in India so they make more money begging.

I dont think "other countries do it" is a great way to examine any action.

There's nothing to discuss, that I see. She showed her cards and they were what the OP thought they were gonna be.

Always listen to the little voice in the back of your head. He's rarely wrong.

Oops.
Looked like grandma fell down the stairs. Damn.


Hey, do you think my reloading bench will fit in nicely in the suite?

Asking about marriage/family advice on a forum filled with MGTOW and dudes on their 2nd,3rd,4th marriages.

Bold move OP.

Have to agree here.

Living with any in laws is asking for heartache.

There are also a bunch who have their poop in a group.

That's why I'm usually a "go with the flow" kind of guy - the last thing I want to do is be an asshole to anyone, but of all the things I've said no to in my life, I really feel it's a hill I'm willing to die on. This is a huge decision.

Her mother (not me or my wife) decided it was time RIGHT NOW to make a decision.

She has plenty of money to live comfortably on her own for 30 years if she lives that long. But because she's not going to get to live in the same house as her daughter and grandchildren, she's pissed that the plan in HER mind didn't go the way SHE wanted. I mean, how I dare I go against her wishes...

If I was in a rough financial situation with no way out, I might consider something like this, but if you have any chance to stay the course and do it on your own, you will be infinitely better off.  My guess is one of the conditions is that she can spend the rest of her life there, which could be 25+ years depending on how old she is.  For 25 years you will be under her thumb, and depending on the person, you might be constantly reminded of the fact that you are only there because of her generosity.  F that.

How old is the mother in law?

100% all this is exactly how I feel.

Yeah, we're not stupid rich, but we do just fine and I'm confident that in another 3-5 years we'll be able to find a single family house that we'll love AND it will be ours - not my MILs.

That's pretty much my fear though - there will be this constant "look what we gave you and you're going to say or do this???"

I can't live with that for 20+ years (however long she lives). Could you?

67 - great health and she has PLENTY of money to be absolutely fine for decades (my FIL invested a lot and took care of her should this happen).

Yes. That is not the woman I want to be living with.

The financial advisor is correct, it will save you tens of thousands if MIL owns the house until she dies and then you and your wife inherit it.

The financial advisor is not a relationship advisor.

I can speak from experience:

Never make a decision like that shortly after a death.  Everyone is still freshly hurt from the death.  I am not sure how long is best, but you will know.

If you can live in the house, and MIL can live in a trailer out back, or even a she shed made into a liveable home, could be a good move.  

If you can set up an apartment style situation with her own outside access, could be a good move.

If you have her living in the same house, with no separation, it is NOT a good idea.  Some people are living longer now than ever.  Bitter old MIL's have the longest life expectancy of any demographic in the nation.  Statistics say that on average, bitter old MILs live to be 98 and older.  Don't ask for a cite, I just made it up.  If she doesn't live to be 120 years old, it will feel like it.

Your wife is still her daughter, and always will be.  Your wife's role will be daughter, which means MIL will always have her nose in every decision, disagreement, and argument.  It may even get to the point where she is undermining you with your children.  

If you get along with MIL now, you won't later

If you chose to ruin your life and move in, be sure that MIL puts the house in your name on the front end.  NON NEGOTIABLE.

I definitely could not.  You and I think alike.  It is also too soon after FIL death to be making these decisions.

There might be circumstances where I would have my MIL or mother live with us, but I would have them move into my current house vs moving into theirs.

I just saw this. If the house is in her name, it is not your house, no matter what she says. You are the caretakers, guests, freeloaders, possibly all of the above depending on the day. Imagine if you put your $$ and work into the place and after 10 years grandma kicks your ass to the curb, or worse yet, your wife files for divorce.  You have no equity and no recourse.

Make amends and get a her to find a sweet place with an in-law suite.

I see a possible win here

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck a TWIN is? Does OP live with his twin, does the wife have a twin, is the op shacking up with his twin and now MIL wants in on the action.

Maybe I should have read the whole story

Yup.  Piss her off, and she gives it to the cat rescue benevolent association of America.  And the way your wife says you’re asking her to choose, I see her ejecting on you, and you living with one of your family members.

My mom and my MIL are both good people, and at some point my parents or my wife’s parents might have to move in anyway due to age or infirmity.  I’d have bought the house from MIL, let the kids spend time with grandma while she’s still around, and enjoyed the financial step up.  Only you know what your family dynamic is though, so you have to make the decision that is best for your family.

ETA:  Read a few of the updates.  It sounds like MIL wasn’t going to sell you the house.  She wanted to retain ownership and have you move in.  Yeah, that’s a different situation.  If she lives with you in your house, that’s one thing.  If you live with her in her house, that’s different.

I think that it is the same as a duplex. Two attached identical houses.

Yes.

I guess it's a local PA thing - we call them twins, but same thing.

The only time it would matter financially is if they were to sell it at some point, at which time the basis would come into play. If they buy it from her, the basis is what they paid her. If they inherit it, the basis is the FMV on the day they inherit it. If they keep the house until they die, it's irrelevant, as the basis for the person who inherits it would be the FMV on the day that person inherits it.

But, yeah, living it in it while it's still in the MiL's name is a recipe for disaster. She just needs to get a hair up her ass and you're homeless. Or, if the wife divorces you, you don't get shit from the house and your ex-wife ends up getting the entire thing.

Basically a side by side duplex. You own one half normally.

That's how I see it.

Why can't you move in and see how it works out? I guess you're afraid of losing your sweet "twin", whatever that is.

Situation #1. You move in. It works out despite your reservations.

Situation #2. You move in. It doesn't work out. You have the hassle of finding another rental.

Situation #3. You pass on the house and your MIL.  Your wife hates you. You get divorced. You lose out and a great house for you and your family.

Good luck. I feel you are going to regret losing out for a long time.  

This.  Family takes care of family.  Sounds like MIL is trying, but you don't want to be "annoyed".  Way to torpedo you marriage in the name of not torpedoing your marriage.

Only read the op.


You know what sucks? Caving in to what someone else wants even when you don’t and finding yourself being miserable. You see it coming, dodge that bullet!

After the situation updates, it sounds like your way is the best way.  
15 minutes of separation is probably perfect. Close enough to be there for her and for mutual support.
I don't think I could live next door to a m-i-l like this.
I'm about her age and thought of a similar scenario; my thoughts would be on the order of 'thanks for supper, it was really good; y'all enjoy your evening; I'll be next door, call if you need anything.' Rinse. Repeat.
@Boingo +1

The more information that comes out, the better your decision sounds. Now that MIL has had a temper tantrum and refuses to discuss the issue any further, how does your wife feel about it? Does she agree with you now? This "my way or the highway" attitude sets the tone for the years to come. My dad passed away young, my mom was only 50. She could have survived on her own just fine, moved forward and started a new life. Instead she hitched her wagon to my sister and they've been attached at the hip for the last 35 years. My mom has very little life outside that of my sister, her family and my sister's friends. They are a package deal. You don't want that. Your MIL needs to learn to live on her own - with your support, of course - and then make a decision on where and how she wants to live. You are right to ask her to wait until she adapts to a new normal, and that can't be as a third wheel in your marriage.

The mil can downsize or stay where she is.  She’s not being turned out in the street.  She’s financially set.  Push comes to shove, she can sell and provide for her own home healthcare, assisted or not.  No need for the kids to do that.

What happens OP in 6 months or 5 years when she gets pissed again and says for you all to move out?
Think it cant happen?
You are the master of your family OP.
You will not be master in her house.
You will just be the guy who married her daughter.
You are not blood.
She can turn on you in a heartbeat.


Call her bluff and suggest y'all buy something together instead.
Just kidding, dont do that.

I think you made the right choice for you.

I think you possibly made the wrong choice for your family.

MIL should sell the house, downsize into a nice garden home far enough away from you guys to not be a burden and then concentrate on making herself happy, traveling whatever.

MIL is only 67… barring any sharp downturn in health, she doesn’t need to move in with her daughter’s family.  He’s not elderly in her 80s.  MIL is grasping to fill the void left by FIL with your family…

The fact mil is acting like this tells you all you need to know (even with assuming she’s still not right after her husbands passing), you’d be wading into much deeper waters here.

Her moving in will only lead to big disaster down the road, especially if it’s still “her house” emotionally after you buy it from her.  Can you imagine her questioning furniture decisions and shit?

If your wife can’t get aligned with you, then there are bigger problems here unfortunately.

ETA: definitely not the asshole here, but you may end up being the only “adult” when the dust settles

OP is pushing 40 and either is renting a duplex or owns half a duplex with dreams of owning a beautiful home.

His career or money choices haven't been good or at least great from what I can understand. I'm not judging or saying that's bad especially if he is at least happy but taking a gamble and some sacrifices might work out here if she's loaded and owns their dream house.

We have to pay to play at some point if we want better.

Quite refreshing to see others with way more severe attention deficit that I have. I read the whole thing, no problem.

I stopped reading after I read this. At the end of the day with all things considered, unless she is on her deathbed, I'd say no to this situation. All that bullshit you hear guys say about "happy wife, happy life" well what about your happiness? where does it say its OK for you to be miserable.. I've seen it before, I've lived it once, two women cannot live together. Marriage is a compromise no doubt about it but their is a line that can't be crossed over. It's your house, your the Captain of the ship. Difficult decisions are the privilege of command, If you think the MIL is going to change forget that shit, it's not going to happen. Be The Captain..

Wow, what a roller coaster ride. My heart goes out to you and your family.

First things first: you have identified a great need in order to be happy-the need for respect and appreciation. You also have identified a coping skill you have developed that can be a double edged sword: making people happy. That's very wise of you to recognize this. People are generally happy when they have good boundaries and your MIL doesn't. Her needs in this case are more important than anyone else's. She has no problem positioning herself between her daughter and her daughter's family. This is a huge red flag. The only thing that needs to have a quick decision is life and death matters. There are numerous compromises that could be done if your mother in-law respected boundaries. It's my way or the highway and it doesn't sound like it will be easy to live with her.

I don't like the idea of saying your wife has to choose between her mother and you. Her mother should always be there whether you live with her or not.

a better compromise might be selling the house and buying a duplex. I get that you are giving up on a great opportunity with this house but the conditions of the house are not very conducive To your happiness.

You might want to reframe your narrative. You would love the house and the opportunity to give your MIL some comfort during her grieving process but you have boundaries that are not being respected. Boundaries are tough for those of us that have coping skills like pleasing others so write them down. You want your MIL to treat you like you would treat her and that is healthy. She wants everything to be about her and that is selfish. Even though she is grieving-it isn't about her. It is about what is best for her daughter's family. She is going to grieve exactly the same whether you cowtoe to her wishes or not.

You're not an asshole. Life is hard. It is hard to buy a house that meets all of your needs and it's hard to live with someone who is selfish. Choose your hard.

Agree. In the 'old days', that would just be a normal letter to sit down and write on pen and paper. Reading material across the board used to be way  more verbose and detailed.

My FIL passed less than a year after after my marriage, we moved in so my MIL could meet her mortgage.
Went from $350 a month for a nice condo to $500 for my wife's old bedroom (Mid 80's when rents were cheaper).
I would advise against it.

Agreed but we have so much now that our attention span as a civilization has gotten very small.

MIL could live another 15-20 years easy.  That's a long time in the housing market.


BINGO!

Trust your gut. If you were really an asshole you would have her sign over the house and the first time she played the "I gave you the house" card evict her.