I guess it's my turn to do one of these...

My father-in-law passed away 4 weeks ago and now my mother-in-law wants us to move in with her. My wife is onboard - I am not.

We (my wife and I are both 39) currently live in a twin (have so since 2015) and our goal is to find a single family home with some more yard space for our two girls (3 and 6) and our dog. We actually love our twin - it's easy to take care of and we have everything set up the way we want it. We also have great neighbors and the neighborhood itself is great. We still want a single family, but are perfectly content waiting until we either A.) Have more money/equity in our current home and/or B.) The right opportunity presents itself. And here lies the problem - that opportunity (in my wife and mother-in-law's mind) has now presented itself...

Her parents have always talked about us buying their house one day because they know that's our goal - a single family. And the market has been terrible for buyers so us buying their house (to them) would be a no brainer. It's a gorgeous large single family home with a big yard in an even nicer neighborhood. 3 car garage and house is completely turn-key - it's a gorgeous property. The best part is that we would have no mortgage because it would basically be gifted to us (yes, I know there are taxes involved in that process). All of that is a no-brainer, right? Well, it is to my wife and MIL.

4 weeks ago, my father-in-law passed away at 73 - he beat Leukemia with a stem-cell transplant, but it weakened him so badly that during the stem-cell recovery, an infection caused him to go down hill and he never recovered.

We're all devastated (he was a great man). And within days of his passing my MIL tells my wife she wants to sell the house, that is, unless we want to take it, provided she lives downstairs (they have a suite downstairs).

For a lot of reasons, it's a great idea - financially it's a no-brainer and we'd have a single family house in a dream neighborhood and the girls would have space, our dog, etc - we'd even have a babysitter there 24/7 for the girls.

For a long time, I thought "Yes, this will be great."

Now that it's here I've realized I cannot live in the same house as my mother-in-law - our marriage will now no longer be the two of us, but now my myself, my wife, and her mother. I don't think I REALLY thought about how that would change our family dynamic until now - when it's here and a decision needs to be made. Even with my MIL living downstairs, the dynamic that currently exists between my wife and children - it will be forever changed with her mother living in the same house.

I've always been somebody who says Yes because I want to please people and not hurt peoples feelings, but this is a hill I am willing to die on - I will not sacrifice my own happiness just to make my wife and more importantly my now widowed MIL feel better after losing my FIL.

My wife is really upset because she says I'm making her choose between her husband and her mother - I lost my cool when she said that and said, "So, who's it going to be - me or your mother?!"

What really bothers me is that this is the last thing I wanted to speak up about literally 4 weeks after her Dad died - everyone should be focusing on grieving. The problem is that her mom is pushing the shit out of this (party because I think she's super depressed and lonely and is thinking irrationally because of just losing her husband). The last thing I wanted to do is tell me wife "No" right now - just weeks after her Dad died - she has enough on her mind. But two days ago, my MIL told me wife (who told me) that we "should sell her house now because it's a good time to sell" - that's when I lost it and said (in my head) now is the time to speak up about this.

I will not (no matter how great the house is or how great it would be financially) completely alter my family dynamic and my own sanity by doing this. None of that is more important to me than my wife and kids and I refuse to change my life and our family dynamic because they think it's a good move.

Am I the asshole?

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UPDATE:

My wife spoke to her mother a little while ago and told her how I felt about it.

She's pissed and said the house is now off the table - she's selling and will find someplace to live. She was real short with my wife and didn't say a word when she left her house. Just said, "Fine - leave."

She was the one who forced a decision to be made less than 4 weeks after my FIL's death - I spoke up (for probably one of the few times in my life ever) and said I cannot do it - certainly not now.

But now I'm a huge asshole.

No, you aren't the asshole.  

You and your wife come first.  It is not worth throwing a grenade between the two of you to make your mother in law happy or get slightly ahead financially and frankly she is kind of an asshole for even suggesting it.

Tough call, but no, I don't think you're an asshole.

My wife's sister is 77, not doing well financially, and living in a dump apartment with a roommate. My wife asked me what I thought about letting her come live with us and I said nope...no way. Our house is big enough for the two of us as it is. Oh, and one more thing: She's a screamin' Lib that loves to push my buttons. No fucking way am I living with THAT.

My wife was pissed but eventually got over it.

My wife is really upset because she says I'm making her choose between her husband and her mother - I lost my cool when she said that and said, "So, who's it going to be - me or your mother?!"

Despite the loss of her father and seeing how this loss is impacting her mother's life coupled with this knew issue I still think your wife crossed the line with the above statement. You have every right to be pissed at her statement.

Thinking of your MIL as a 24/7 babysitter is one thing, using her for it is another as it may come with its own price.

Getting her house for free might also come with a price, she might always hang it over your head making you feel like it is not your own.

If your MIL is the type of woman who does not know boundaries living with her will change the dynamics of your relationship with your wife and children.

My aunt and uncle purchased her grandfathers home for peanuts. The price my uncle had to pay was it was right next door to her parents. While my uncle got along great with his FIL, the MIL was a little harder as she was a busy body. In the early years it was great for my two cousins as they loved having their grandparents next door. They were spoiled little shits. As my cousin Al got into HS he came to hate it as his grandmother was always spying and passing judgement. Of course he was up to no good but that is another story.

Little update - my wife spoke to her mother a little while ago and told her how I felt about it.

She's pissed and said the house is now off the table - she's selling and will find someplace to live. She was real short with my wife and didn't say a word when she left her house. Just said, "Fine - leave."

She was the one who forced a decision to be made less than 4 weeks after my FIL's death - I spoke up (for probably one of the few times in my life ever) and said I cannot do it - certainly not now.

But now I'm a huge asshole.

Didn't see it but are there other siblings or is she the only child, and how does the MIL feel about guns and politics?

AGREE!!!

Yes you are an asshole. If mother in law was bad person would be understandable.  You’re being selfish.  Life is about changes.  Your being  a baby. This is the time you can be an above and beyond husband.  You know how much she would love and appreciate you working to make their lives better.  Helping in a bad and emotional time. You have a chance to be the villain or the HERO.  It ain’t all ways about you.  Let it be about them.  She is your wife’s blood.  You are a by law.  Never will be blood. It’s just the way it is. You asked ……WarDawg

Your wife doesn't respect you and now you have a war on your hands. MIL is ridiculous, but it's only been a few weeks.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, imagine living with her. She would destroy your marriage.

You're not the asshole.

Your MIL is just having a panicky knee-jerk reaction to her husband's passing, completely understandable so I don't think she's an asshole either, just over-wrought and grieving.

Perhaps best approach might have been to try and delay the whole thing, let her know it was too soon to contemplate such a huge life-change?

Dunno, but I think your instincts about this matter are right on point. Financially it may have made sense, but finances don't mean much if you're miserable and it destroys your life.

I didn't want to make ANY decisions on this yet - certainly is way too soon.

That's my gut feeling about this - what's more important? Happiness or being miserable in a gifted house?

When my grandfather died when i was 3, my grandmother added on an additon and lived with us. She was an amazing, strong, and intelligent women who did a lot to help us, and raise me. I learned a lot for her and I will always be grateful to have been able to see my grandmother every day of my life for that long. Not many get that chance.

Maybe it caused my father stress, but if it did he didn't show it. Even know he still talks about what a great woman she was and how lucky we all were to have her in our lives, and he appreciates all she did.

Of course it all depends on what your MIL is like and the relationship you all have with her. And moving into her house may be different from her adding on an addition and living at your home. Like I said lots of factors but thats my experience / 2 cents.

YMMV

Stick to your guns then, in this little group, you are now the only man, you need to be strong, calm, and lead the way with as much kindness and forebearance as can be mustered, but with a firm hand. There will come a time they will all appreciate you for it. Prayers sent for ya brother.

Don't sweat it.  The right thing happened.  Remember, the house wasn't yours.

ETA: This dynamic is very unhealthy.  You both need to have some boundaries there.

Both wife and MIL are rushing off half cocked, are focused on possessions, emotional manipulation and blackmail, and now punishment?

Some things just need to pass.

I don’t see how a gifted house, especially in this economy is a totally bad thing. I’m so grateful we got a bigger place when we could because it wouldn’t be doable now.

This whole thing is brutal - thank you.

Financial and emotional manipulation are not good indicators of a stress free life going forward. I'd sleep just fine tonight in your shoes.

Shit our 3rd dog was too much - can't imagine MIL who behaves like that.

Well, now you know exactly what it would have been like to live with her fulltime. It was the tough move, but it was the right one. Instead of compromising, she just took all her toys and stomped away. Does your wife have any siblings?

OP
If you say no the mother in law is going to put the house on the market.  She isn't staying and waiting for a whole year.  It's obvious she wants out of the house OR you two are moving in.   If you like the house and the neighborhood I say take the opportunity and go.  Instead of paying rent you will be living in house that is financially covered by your mother in law.  This lets you save for the house of your dreams about the time your mother in law is moving to assisted living.  

I don't think you are the asshole, but you are in a position that makes you look like the asshole.  Life isn't always fair but in 10 or 15 years you can do what you want and will have all the money you need to do it.

kwg

It's a fucking duplex, not a goddam twin!!!

No OP you are not the asshole. Your MIL and wife put you in a no win situation.

I don't have any answers other than tell them to give it a few months so everyone can calm down and you can talk it over more.

That is too soon after losing a spouse. She needs to settle in, cope with that first and that takes time. She wants to use your family as a  instant crutch.

I think you may have squandered a great opportunity that would have benefitted you financially, and which had downsides you could have largely redressed by building an inlaw suite in the yard.

But I don't think you were absolutely wrong. Just that giving that up when you live with your family in a duplex is not a great choice.

NTAH and you made the right decision, based on my personal experience.

Based on this and your other posts your MIL has been quietly manipulative and pushing boundaries for a while.  Instead of nipping all of it in the bud you were ok with some of it which encouraged her to continue the behavior.  She's pissed and acting out now because she expected to win this fight and you changed up the rules on her.

Treat your MIL like a critter you're training: certain behaviors are either ok or they are not, there is no in-between.  The hard part is recognizing when she's being subtly manipulative.

Your MIL is 67 and healthy.  She can sell, downsize, and figure out how to live her life as a widow.  She doesn't need to live with you.  It would be different if your FIL had been her primary caregiver and now he's gone.

you're an asshole. Yes sir.

You are unwilling to choke back your personal feelings for the benefit of your family. You've been given the ultimate gift, Wonderful house free of charge, free childcare, and you could sell your current house or rent it out and use that money as you wish,. If you went about it right, you could have even worked a deal with the wife that YOU get the toy or man cave of your choice with the house proceeds as a result of the "inconvenience".

But you fucking blew it because ego.  Congrats.

At first you made her sound like a reasonable person and that you'd essentially would buy the house (you and wife own the deed or your wife 'inherits" it).
And the two against one bs (btdt); fts. That needs to get cleared up asap; we know where that's headed.
Sounds like there are some hardline respectful separations that will have to be upheld and everybody onboard. Otherwise, suggest she sell it and downsize.

MIL was being manipulative and it’s not the first time.
Still, it was a deal.

Yes - a brother - he's 41 (2 years older than us). He's got a wife and two young boys.

No fucking way would he live with his mother - as much as he loves her.

What pisses me off the most about this all is that my wife and I have always spent more time with her mother - her brother barely ever makes an appearance (to the point where her mom is bothered by it). Our girls virtually live there half the week because they're there after school everyday and usually stay for dinner since I don't get home until 6. My wife is a teacher so she's done at 3 - literally 3 or 4 times a week they are over my MILs place - this was BRFORE her Dad died.

We've been extremely good to her - we see her 25x more than my own parents despite them leaving 45 mins away (MIL is only 15 mins away).

Her reacting this way (like I'm a jerk for doing this) really pisses me off.

Yes. Next question.

This is exactly what I see happening right now - I think deep down even my wife knows this, but she's too upset to admit it during a time like this when her mother is alone and grieving.

Take the deal. Your wife is probably in constant contact with her mother anyway so if she lives downstairs what is the difference?

You will save a lot of money.  Your wife will be happy.

I am old enough to be your father so my view may be different but having someone around to keep your wife company gives you more freedom to do what you want.

It gives you more space and free time alone.

Having another trusted adult available to help with the kids is a plus too.

My FIL was smart with his money - she is sitting on so much money that she could live at a luxurious place absolutely no problem for decades AND STILL have money spend.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm (by saying no) somehow ruining her life (in her mind).

She is, but it's also a completely normal reaction for anyone when their spouse dies. Either shut off to the outside world or open up to someone else.

If your mother in law is not a bitch, you should live with her. Families were supposed to support each other.

You're being an asshole.

Especially it was a beautiful house that you would get basically for free. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

I offered to buy the house across the street from my daughter so I could see my grandkids, she replied instantly " NO."

My daughter hardly let me see her or my grandchildren, basically I was not even invited to their birthdays. OK, I took her out of my will and I will WASTE money that I would have gladly passed on to the future generations. She didn't like me, wants to hurt me as I love kids and I don't get to see my grandchildren. Now, I just pretend they don't exist. I raised her as her mother was too busy, paid for her college and bought her her first 3 cars.  My daughter thinks I am an asshole.  I also offered to come over anytime she wants and buy her family dinner, just let me know, she never took me up on it.  SHE GETS NOTHING NOW.

My daughter and you both win, but you lose, bigly. Both of you are assholes.

I'll start by saying I've never been married, so I have no basis for this at all. But here's what I think...

I think you are correct, OP. Moving into your MIL's house will drastically change the dynamic of your entire situation. You'll no longer be in YOUR house, you'll be in HERS. She might tell you it's yours and your wife's, but until papers actually get filed and the house is actually in your and your wife's names, it will always be hers. And that means that anything you do or change, she'll have something to say about it. She may tell you she's OK with it, but deep down inside she really won't be. Even something so innocuous as changing the color of the paint might set her off.

"I remember when we picked out that color. And now you want to change it? But that's fine. I can learn to live with it."

And that shit would set me off. I absolutely HATE passive-aggressive behavior. If you're pissed, then be pissed and let's get this shit hashed out like adults. But don't give me this passive-aggressive bullshit by telling me it's OK, while at the same time telling me you don't like it. Cant' stand that shit!

And then there's the kids. While it's good to have a built-in baby sitter (bad wording, but it's all I got), in time she may start to change your kids. And/or she might try to tell you how to raise them or how you're too hard on them or too easy on them or whatever.

I'm 39 - if I was in my 50s or 60s I would absolutely think about this differently. Even then it would be a tough decision, but at 39? I guess I just value my freedom, privacy, and focusing ONLY on my wife and children in one house than pulling my MIL into the fold.

There is no free lunch

You are not the asshole.  Your wife should understand that you do not want to live with your mother in law.

You definitely made the right decision.  

That's the kicker - she wants to keep the house in her name because her financial advisor said it would be better in the long run for us to inherit it when she does - that this would somehow be a better deal than us buying it and owning it.

Wouldn't that bother anyone else?

Sounds like after your update that your Mother-in-law proved your point for you.
She likely was very controlling of your father-in-law and now that he is gone she is looking for a surrogate. As soon as she was questioned about the house situation she got pissed and shut down, a very typical response for someone like that because now she will turn herself into the victim.

Sounds like your MIL confirmed your concerns.

Your wife's statement about choosing between her husband and mom shows her head is not in the right place for a marriage.

Tread carefully.

Bullet dodged.

If that's how she is now, just try to imagine what she'd be like once she has the this-is-my-house control hanging over your head.

I've always thought the only thing that'd make me consider divorce is infidelity, but the prospect of living like that is making me reconsider. Fuck all that.

Also, you could do a trial run and stay there a few weeks and see how it works out. Mayne you do that and find out it works great, maybe you do it and your wife realizes she doesn't want it.

Don't have to call it a trial run, just say that you want to spend a few weeks there so you can be together as a family in a trying time, it would probably do her (MIL) good as well.

This.

OP may have dodged a bullet.

If she wanted to gift it, there is a simple Quit Claim that is cheap, quick, and easy.  Sounds like she wanted power over you. Yet another sign you made the right call.

Not entirely though. He married her daughter. Everyone knows, you marry an entire family.

Have the MIL put the house in a trust and get you and your wife on there as beneficiaries of the trust upon the passing of your MIL.

Yup. Wife wants it, kids will be better off and get to know their grandma better, and a financial windfall that materially affects all those involved in a positive way for a very long time.
Oh well.