No shit.

I'm laying here at Harris Hospital in Fort Worth Texas realizing my final days are upon me. It started back in April when I was diagnosed with stage IVLymphoma cancer.

Couldn't just be normal Lymphoma, it had to be Burkitt's lymphoma. And a rare one at that. It's what's called a triple hit Burkitt's. Meaning there are three bad chromosones they have to fight.

Basically it's a fast growing tumor they throw everything at. We started with Chemo called Hyper/Cvad....one of the strongest doses of chemo they have. The tumor responded and went from 22cm to 8.4 cm then got pissed off and started growing again. They took me off Chemo and Sent me to MD Anderson in Houston to be on a clinical trial. I tried that and the tumor got bigger after a month so they kicked me off and sent me back.

Now I'm laying here with this huge belly, a bad prognosis, and hooked to what they call "salvage" chemo. It doesn't look good. Basically if this chemo does not shrink the tumor I am going to die.

If it does shrink the tumor, then I have to have a bone marrow transfusion immediately to help fight the cancer. There will be a small window of opportunity and we have to find a donor match.

I"ve gone from a 32 inch waist to almost a 44". I know what a pregnant woman feels now.......you cannot get comfortable no matter what position you lie in.

My back is killing me, I'm tired, exhausted, I can't eat without throwing iit back up and I have not pooped in three days because the tumor is wrapped around my intestines.

I'm only 45 years old and not ready to die. But here I lay wondering wtf happened and how did this happened. For the first time in my life I'm actually afraid.

9 years in the Army I served. I'm proud of that. I went to college and got a degree.........I have a beautiful family........I guess I've had a good life.,

I've shot more deer than most people have seen over the years.......hell  I have killed lots of animals over the years. Shit loads of doves.......

I can't even think about the number of bullets I've fired over the years. It would be funny to see that mountain of brass. We would all smile and be proud and say "damn Jeff, you have a trigger finger left?"

The mountain of brass would shade my two story house. I can be proud of that.

I have an 8 year old son I have not taught much too. I've been pretty sick all year. He has a chipmunk rifle ready to go......Dad just needs to get better......and there are days I can barely get off the couch I'm  so sick.

Will somebody teach him when I'm gone? I sure hope so.....he's a good kid and if he's got some of his Dad in him he's gonna be a damn good shot.

Yes....these are the words of a truly dying man. I don't think I'll have any regrets.........I've always wanted to work on a project car.....you know......rebuild an old classic. 65 mustang or 72 Chevy pickup...

If I get better that's what I want to do. Chances are small and slim though and I think I finally realized that tonight. The nurses act different around me. They look sad.......they must have read my chart and seen my prognosis. It's in their eyes and faces. They won't look me in the eye......and I've been coming here for months for treatment.

Things feel different......they know. They just are not saying.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm scared..........I do know that. I guess if I had a shoulder to cry on right now I would.

Well I'll just dump this here in GD and let the ball roll.

I'm in room 700 if you got a shoulder.7th floor Harris tower...

I admire you brother. How you have lived your life, what you've done for and with your son, has taught him things that he will carry his entire life.  I'll pray tonight.  May God give you strength.

Jeez I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I could offer up some words of advice or comfort but I won't pretend to know or understand your situation. I'll just check back here for updates and see what if anything I can do. In the meantime don't give up hope and accept the outcome as inevitable yet. Cancer is a strange bastard and can always remiss unexpectedly with treatment.

Incoming prayers

OP, God Speed in any which direction you may go. Many prayers for you and your family.

Got a Facebook?

Bless you brother, and don't be afraid. Prayers incoming.

Don't give up, we want to hear of you slinging brass, eating venison, and kickin' it with the fam again.

Funny story?

I'm driving down East Range Road at Fort Hood....Summer of 94 I think

My sgt is front of my in a Humvee....I'm in a Duece and 1/2. I'm in the TXARNG now.......

So these old trucks you know top speed mabye 45 mph..........

I have the hammer down and there are three cows up ahead. I see the humvee brake lights as two cows jump across the road.....


They make it the third jumps back into the ditch. I put the hammer back down and start getting the old POS back up to speed........4th gear....

45.........the cow jumps out of the damn ditch right into the front bumper of this big ass Duece and 1/2 truck....bounces off the front bumper.....

Ass swings around and hits the drivers side door and smears cow shit every where.......

I look in the mirror and cow is skipping like a stone over water down the road keep pace with the truck.........like a race.....

finally skids to a stop...........I was busting out loud. I'm like WTF??

I get out and get over to the cow.......it's deader than shit........

somebody did take a picture of it and I would love to find it.

SGT Deltoro I think.....he's a fireman now in Dallas.......

I had my foot on the cow with my hands on my hips in the picture.......

Stupid thing.....didn't even bend the bumper.

Somebody wrote "cow killer" in white chalk on the door later on as well......

I was in the 372nd Fwd Supprt Btln
We supported 5th tank at Fort Hood.

My MOS is 45 Golf. Fire control system repair. I worked on the M1 Abarams tanks......all the electronics in them.

Godspeed brother

I give you Tecumseh


So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion, respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

Thank you for posting this.

My prayers are with you and your family.  I'm too far away to be there with you, but know that I'm praying for all of you.

Fuck.

so am I and I'm on the list.  Prayers to you, your family, and for a match.  I like the idea of a letter to your son.

How is the kid taking things?

It makes my heart hurt to think a out his feeling. I wouldn't lie to him or sugarcoat things too much. At 8 kids are keenly aware of what's going on and get frustrated when adults won't tell them. Answer his questions and ease his mind if you haven't had a chance. Talk to him until he can't stand you anymore, give him as many memories as you can.

Make sure whatever time you have together is full of love.

Prayers sent.  Godbless you and your family.

I think I'll start that letter today.

I'm pretty emotional right now. I would love to have a buddy up here to talk shop to.

Problem is my job, I work with all women. No guys to talk to.120 women lol. Lucky me?

I work at Texaspulmonary and Crtical Care consultants.

www.texaspulmonary.com

I can talk to the Doctors at times but they are really busy.

If anybody can come by I'd love to chat. Cars, guns, trucks....army.......

i need to focus so can write that letter to my son. I think that is a good idea.

A good life won't get you into heaven: only the blood of Jesus Christ.

Jeff, have they considered proton beam radiation? There is a facility at MD Anderson, but I don't know if it works on lymphoma. It is high dose radiation, shaped to the tumor so it doesn't cook everything around it, such as the intestines. It works well for prostate cancer, which is in the same area, and I had it for a tumor in my head. I was told by my Dr. that the amount I needed would have left me blind and deaf, if not killed me, had they only been able to use normal radiation. It's a long shot, as I think they would have considered it since you were there already, but who knows.

Write letters to your son, you can still help him grow into a man, even if you can't be there every step of the way. Let him know of your history, how you overcame obstacles, and how to become a self-sufficient man. Any lessons you can think of, but I hope that you are able to read over them with him years from now over a beer and laugh. It sounds like you've had a great life so far, take pride in that and hold your head high, no matter what happens. You are in my thoughts, and I too would come visit with you if I could. It seems like it would be a good time sir.

Chris

This link is to a thread from earlier this year about bone marrow donations and will answer some of the questions people have about it.

Link

I've accepted him into my heart. I'm ready.

Thanks for sharing what's on your mind.   Dusty in the room thinking about the fragility of life.   Puts a lot of things in perspective.  
I wish you the best of luck, and hope you get as much time as you can, and need!  
Godspeed Brother!
 

prayers inbound



don't know what to say



peace be with you and the family and friends

Glad to hear the Scottish rite helped out


Don't give up brother.  Fight this damned thing.  Stay strong.  You have a lot to live for.  Prayers sent.


If you ever just need to vent, PM me for my phone #

Radiation is a last ditch effort for me because of where my tumor is. It's wrapped all around my small intestines and pancreas. We'll see what happens. I have a few months to go........

hopefully.

I'm a positive and just joined the donor registry.  praying for you op.  stay strong.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

Sorry to hear, prayers sent, stay positive.

I wish I could offer some advice or words of wisdom, but I'm not the guy people come to for those things. You and your family are in my prayers, though.

I lost my father at 45. That letter, that letter will mean the world to that boy someday.

Godspeed, friend.

Damn... getting dusty in here.  What the hell am I saying, this thread brought a tear to my eye.  Damn right it did.  Write, write write.  Everything you want to tell your son, everything you want to tell your wife, friends, neighbor.  Get it all out.  Doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, just put it on paper and whomever reads it will understand where you are coming from.

Keep your head up.

Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


William Ernest Henley

Brother, keep your chin up. Fight the fight for your son, for your wife. I'll be moving to DFW in a few months. We're GOING to grab a beer because you're going to be there. I don't know what else to say then don't surrender. Good luck brother, you have my prayers.

Jeff, if I could, I would shake your hand and wish you well. Your family will be in my thoughts, and don't bother thinking of the regrets. Be proud of your accomplishments and share everything you can about yourself. As someone who lost my mom earlier than most, I wish more than anything that I had gotten the chance to know more about her past instead of just as a mom. Some day your boy will likely wonder that as well.

Glad to hear that.  Prayers sent.

So sorry to hear of the news.

 

Absolutely- don't ever give up. This is good advice!

Would a hand written be better than typed?

I think it would be. I'm going to need a notebook and pen.

Were you stationed at Hood? We are there now, prolly another2-3 years.



How you feeling this AM?

If you need a pastor or priest, most churches will send someone to your room to talk.  They also have folks that will help you and your family.

Stay strong.

Let me add though, a couple years ago we had a woman I work with come so close to death we all just knew we would never see her again. Really. Lower bowel cancer, they ended up putting her into a coma because she was so fucked up. She was dead. Really. Not so much. Tough old broad, ex-DI, 20 year veteran lived!

Unbelievable. I see her every day. Never give up hope. Never. Wish I could come by, South Dakota is a ways off.

Maybe I could take a picture of something for you?

My prayers for you and your family.

I look forward to seeing you before God's throne, in time.

But for now, fight for your life.  No for you, but for your son.

Jeff,
You are in our Prayers.  Don't give up the fight Brother.  I know your heart is sealed, and you are ready, but God may just be testing you and refining you.  One day you will be able to marvel at the monster buck, your son's drops.  

I'm still a little emotional.


Still needing that shoulder.......


Arfcom has really helped. I was able to share some good stories......it helped.

Mountains, wldlife? Fish?


Man I love to fish.......I know there are tons of lakes up there.

I know I'm not dead yet. Just facing it.

I want to fight. They just have me scared right now. It looks really bad. They can't hide their faces....damn doctors.

Tell us a good embarrassing story! Something to make ya smile and us laugh.

I am not good enough with words to say much of anything, but your in my thoughts.

Only thing I can offer is the story of a good friend of mine, diagnosed with blood cancer (I forget the actual name) he was told he had months to live and simply refused to accept it, he fought hard and told himself that it was not his time. He has been 100% clear for 7 years now. Keep a good thought

Jeff, my family will be praying for you and yours.  We just lost my brother in law to Burkitt's Lymphoma he was 26.

Mate, I'm so sorry to read of your situation. I have said a prayer for you and yours, may God be with you and take away your fear.

If I wasn't in New Zealand, if I were there, I would come and see you and we would laugh our balls off, we would have as good a time as could be had in a hospital.

Best wishes
Jason.

Stay strong! I have a friend that was diagnosed with stage 4 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma a little over a year ago. It had spread throughout his back, spine, and head. In less than a year, with a church standing behind him in prayer, he was in remission (and is still clear today). Don't underestimate the power of prayer, and definitely don't give up hope!

Read this: Isaiah 41:10-13

How long are you gonna be in room 700 on the 7th floor?

Christ be with you sir.

I think we need to buy this mans son a rifle , what say the hive?