Here are some of the jokes I've collected over the past 15 years or so.
3 bulls were in a pasture, when they heard that the farmer was going to
bring in a new bull.
The oldest bull said, "I've been the boss of this farm for 10 years now,
I'm not gonna let any newcomer have any of MY cows!"
The next youngest bull said, "I have only been here 3 years, I only have
a few cows to keep me satisfied, I'm not gonna share ANY of them!"
The youngest bull said, "I have only been here 6 months, I don't HAVE
any cows to share!"
So the big day arrives, the cattle truck pulls into the pasture, and the
doors open Out springs the biggest, baddest, evilist Brahama Bull in the
world. He looks scornfully at the 3 bulls and snorts, and paws the ground,
looking for a fight.
The oldes bull says,"Well, maybe we should be neighborly with this
newcomer, let him have his pick of the harem."
The next bull says, "Yes, this is true, we don't want any trouble."
The youngest bull trots into the middle of the pasture and paws the
ground, and snorts, and lowers his head for a fight.
The other two bulls say, "What are you doing? He's gonna tear
you UP!"
"That's OK," said the younger bull. "I just want him to know I'm a
bull too!"
***********************************************
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it-we're closed.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on
the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
***********************************************
So THAT'S why things are the way they are...
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and
cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and
success. Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of
wisdom,
we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
>From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as
Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge
approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough
is left
as an exercise for the reader.
***********************************************
ROBBING THE ROBBERS
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old
lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to
escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had
over $100 when we broke in!"
***********************************************
A Woman's 50 Rules For Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the
zoo rules: No petting.
6. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?", is never, ever, "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass",
and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm
does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going
to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
***********************************************
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable
to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and
refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as
to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers
him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use
it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for
as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234'
and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123",
and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
***********************************************
An Airline Story
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky
passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent
hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm,
but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight
attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half
an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined
bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated,
the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on
over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?! But we came through it
fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like
the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and
today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and
cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
.
. <after a short pause and several clicks>
.
Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride!! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good
strong coffee and a blow job, right about now!"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after
her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
***********************************************
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make
a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat, the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."
***********************************************
Southwest was following United, taxiing out for departure. Southwest
called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a
little problem, so go ahead and let Southwest go first."
The tower promptly cleared Southwest for takeoff before United had a
chance to object to the impersonation.
***********************************************
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high...
San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the
airport.
***********************************************
Tower: "United 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
United 702: "Tower, United 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7...did you copy the report from United?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we
copied
United, and we've already notified our caterers."
***********************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (radio call
name "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
now."
Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."
***********************************************
Anagrams- when you rearrange the letters in a word to make new ones
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A.
Armstrong =
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon!
On to Mars!
***********************************************
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art
Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm A Dot In Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven Plus Two Twelve Plus One
Contradiction Accord Not In It
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
This one is truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
ANAGRAM:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for a contemporary one:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
(Neil Armstrong, on the moon)
ANAGRAM:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment trial;
(you're not going to believe this):
"President Clinton, of the USA"
ANAGRAM:
"To copulate, he finds interns"
***********************************************
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a
good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
***********************************************
======================================
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage,
hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.
Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start
to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of
the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape
makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes
are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water.If,later, another ape tries
to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent
it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a
new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the
stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he
tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and
replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs
and is attacked.The previous Newcomer takes part in the
punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.
The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they
were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes,
all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water
have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not?
"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."
***********************************************
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were having a terrible fight-
"I am the most Beautiful person in the world!" proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty.
"No you're not!" answered Quasimodo and Tom Thumb.
" I am the smallest person in the world!" shouted Tom Thumb.
" No you're not!" said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo.
" I am the ugliest person in the world!" announced Quasimodo.
" No you aren't!" replied Tom And Sleeping Beauty.
They decided if the three of them were going to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
palacce, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went first and not aminute later came out beaming....
" I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlim said so!"
In went Tom Thumb and out he came, as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty....
" I am the smallest person in the world- Merlin agrees!"
In goes Quasimodo and he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half.....
Finally he emerges distraught, muttering...
"Who the Hell is Janet Reno?"
***********************************************
Beer Quotes:
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some
nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from
urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer;
they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a
vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding
on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
***********************************************
> Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and
an orphaned snake. As a surprising
> coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping
through the forest, and the snake was
> slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell
down, also knocking the snake about
> quite a bit.
>
> "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. You
see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't
> see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't
even
know what I am."
>
> "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same
as
yours, as I am also blind since birth, and
> also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither
over
you, and figure out what you are, so at
> least you'll have that going for you."
>
> "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
>
> So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur, and you have really long
> ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd
say that
you must be a
> bunny."
>
> "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
"Maybe
I could feel you with my paw, and help
> you the same way you've helped me."
>
> So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly
and
slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no
> balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."
User Panel
Win a FREE Membership!
