Someone finish these for me:

A penguin walks into a bar...

I saw my friend Rafael standing by a locked door, so I asked him "What's going on?"
He says to me "I'm waiting for a key".
I replied "Acqui is here".

Then that night as my Aikido class I told the instructor about my conversation with Rafael, and he laughed.

He has a great sensei humor.

A drunk man staggered up to the bar and says: "Bartender, I'll bet you $100 that I can in to that empty whisky bottle on the shelf from right here, and not spill a drop anywhere!"

The bartender tells the man to put the hundred bucks on the bar and he has a deal.

The drunk puts the money on the bar, unzips his pants, whips it out and pisses all over the bar.

The bartender starts laughing with a big shit eating grin, and is about to take the money and tell the drunk to get out, when a guy at the back of the bar yells out "fuck me!" And then pushes his table over.

The bartender says, "what the hells wrong with that asshole?"

The drunk straights himself and says, "I just bet that guy a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh about it."

I got this joke about a snake named Nate....

Did you hear about the sorority girl that lost her pencil?

She literally can't even write now.

Only if it's a really short joke.  I don't have much of an attention span.  



 

An Irishman comes to the US to visit his cousin in Boston. Being a good cousin, the cousin takes him to a Red Sox game.

Watching players run when they hit the ball, the Irishman was baffled when he saw one walk from home plate to first base.

"Why is that guy going to first base when he didn't even hit the ball?" he asked his cousin.

"He's got four balls, so he walks" replied the cousin.

Standing and hoisting his beer, the Irishman shouted, "WALK PROUD, LADDIE! WALK PROUD!"

Guy walks into a bar, pulls a genie bottle and a twelve-inch piano player out of his backpack, and orders a beer while the piano player starts playing.



Bartender says, "Man, I gotta ask, where did you get that piano player?"



Guys says, "I have this genie who gives you anything you want if you rub his bottle."



Bartender says, "That's awesome! Think I can give it a try?"  Guy says, "Sure."



Bartender rubs the bottle, genie comes out and says "Whatdya want?"



Bartender says, "Genie, I want a MILLION BUCKS!"  All of a sudden, a million DUCKS fly into the bar and start shitting all over the place.



The bartender angrily says, "Man, what the hell's wrong with your genie!?  I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!"



Guys says, "Hell if I know, do you think I would have asked for a twelve inch pianist?"