Perfectly timed smart-ass replies that are so good you never forgot them, share yours - Page 3

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Perfectly timed smart-ass replies that are so good you never forgot them, share yours (Page 3 of 5)

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:25:53 PM EDT

[#1]

Quote History

Quoted:
I didn't say this, someone said it to me.

I was driving to work in a snowstorm so traffic was horrendous. I'm sitting at a green light, waiting for the intersection to clear before pulling through.

The guy next to me pulls through and takes my spot. I honk and because of the bad traffic, I'm pissed enough to roll my window down to yell at the dude. I can't remember how the insults started but at some point I yell, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" and he yells back, "IT WAS A MANUEVER!" I started laughing and rolled up my window.

View Quote

that's even funnier if he misspelled "maneuver" when he yelled it.

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:26:35 PM EDT

[#2]

I was walking in to the T station in Boston with 3 friends -- all of us wearing Bruins jerseys. It was February.

Guy is walking out, looks at us, and says "Ah, heading to the Bruins game?"

My buddy answers in stride "Nope, Red Sox" and keeps going.

This woman on a bench in the terminal just cracked up and shook her head. The guy looked dumbfounded

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:30:06 PM EDT

[#3]

Quote History

Quoted:
Looks like roughly 87% of the people posting to this thread have no clue what the thread is actually supposed to be about. That said...

Back when I was young, in my Academy days, we had lined up for formation. For no apparent reason, I was standing facing slightly off to the right - say maybe five degrees away from facing front. Our DI got up in my face yelling about how I had formed up all cock-eyed, informing me that the rest of the platoon wasn't cock-eyed, and wanting to know why I was "all cock-eyed."

I just said, "Sir, It's probably from my mother's side of the family. Sir."

The whole platoon did pushups.

View Quote

This one is killing me for some reason

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:34:13 PM EDT

[#4]

Sgt Major chewing the ass of the SSgt " What do you want be a Marine Staff NCO or a clown?"
The Salty SSgt to the Sgt Major: " I don't know, what does the clown job pay?"

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:34:41 PM EDT

[#5]

I was running the show for a construction job which included sandblasting and lead abatement.

The area was tented off, and all air sucked out via a giant HEPA filtered truck mounted vacuum system.

As luck would have it, the head of environmental compliance drove by the site as the rig shit the bed and let out a ton of dust.

She called me in a panic to bitch about this, which seeing as how I was standing on site when it happened and obviously in response mode, did not help much.

Our conversation was short, but I think a worthwhile summation of the incident.

Her: "Theres a plume of white smoke coming from the containment! What's going on? What is XXXX (the contractor) doing?"

Me: "They've elected a new pope. Now I have to go get fitted for my new hat." *click*

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:39:45 PM EDT

[#6]

My buddy was in an accident and had a fucked up middle finger that was all sutured up and his knuckle was 4x it's usual size. My GF, his wife and I were hanging out and he made a remark that his wife hates how ugly his finger is

To which I said "she loves that knuckle though!"

We all died laughing, his wife OTOH scowled at me and said "inappropriate" and had a sit down talk with him about why it was wrong. .

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:40:40 PM EDT

[#7]

Was car (truck) shopping one time right around the time that the Pontiac Aztek came out.

First time I'd ever seen one. I drove up onto the lot and got out to walk to the trucks and stopped and looked at it.

Salesman came walking up. You could tell that he'd been instructed to make the best of a bad situation.

Salesman: "What do you think of that? Different, isn't it?"

Me: "Do they all come pre-crashed from the factory like this?"

He got defensive and mumbled something about liking the way it looked. It was real quiet after that and he wasn't really helpful. They didn't have any trucks I wanted anyway, so we moved on.

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:41:06 PM EDT

[#8]

I was at the video store. The girl behind the counter asked;

Would you like to make a donation to the Helen Keller foundation?

Me;

I don't see that happening.

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:51:08 PM EDT

[#9]

"Yeah, I was wrong once too"

I'm really quick with it (gotta be good at something I guess) so none of the times really stick out on me except one:

My dad's best friend used to host a poker night, and I would attend (I was 23-24 at the time). His daughter, my age, was there, and she's a little dumb. She was trying to open a sauce packet but couldn't get the corner to rip. She tried rotating it and getting the opposite corner, but it wouldn't open.

Her brother suggested flipping it over so the blank side was facing her, and trying to open it that way. I said, in a voice that mocked hers, "awww, but then I won't know what kind it is!"

We all laughed (except her) for 10-15 minutes. I laughed so hard I almost blacked out.

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:52:34 PM EDT

[#10]

I answered the door to a home security salesman once and I told him I wasn't interested. Here's how it went:

Him "Sir, is there a reason you don't want to protect your family?"
Me "I'll tell you what, why don't you come in and try to hurt my family, If you survive I'll buy anything you want."

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:53:55 PM EDT

[#11]

In high school I had a job painting end posts at a grape vineyard. Towards the end of the day I was tired and rushing and was sloppy with the cardboard I was using to catch overspray so I spray a few vine with the white paint.

The guy came by to look at the progress and pointed and asked about the overspray. Without missing a beat I just said, "Oh don't worry, those are for white wine."

Posted: 6/28/2016 1:55:41 PM EDT

[#12]

Posted: 6/28/2016 2:00:04 PM EDT

[#13]

In reply to a coworker flipping me the bird in an office full of people, I said "what's that, your IQ or the number of legitimate parents you have?"

Posted: 6/28/2016 2:00:45 PM EDT

[#14]

At a party drinking, and some of us were about to head out for some Whataburger. Chick there said to get her some food, I replied, "We ain't fuckin'." Then left.

Posted: 6/28/2016 2:01:50 PM EDT

[#15]

Quote History

Quoted:
I was at the video store. The girl behind the counter asked;

Would you like to make a donation to the Helen Keller foundation?

Me;

I don't see that happening.

View Quote

If you ever get asked to donate to the Ronald McDonald house.
Reply with, haven't they been doing this for years. Besides how big a house dose that clown need anyway.

Posted: 6/28/2016 2:05:21 PM EDT

[#16]

Quoted:
GD is renowned for a perfect 1st reply. But did you ever nail one in real life? Well, I just did.

We have an older guy (early 60's) who does assembly work and he's a known shooter within our company. Well we had a meeting with him and the entire engineering department to go over a process he has to do during the assembly of one of our products. It involves putting a pin in a hole but space is very limited. He remarked that it's difficult to get your hand in the space while pinching the pin between forefinger and thumb.

He said "A lot of people keep dropping the pin, I can do it because I have really strong fingers." Then he looked at me and added "He knows why my fingers are strong."

All 12 engineers turned and looked at me, and I said "Yeah, from jerking off all the time, right?"

Now I'm still laughing at my own quick witted response but alas, not a single smile from the geek squad.

You ever have a the perfect satire worthy response?

let em rip if you do!

View Quote

That's because they were wondering why you know that dude jerks off all the time.

Posted: 6/28/2016 2:05:48 PM EDT

[#17]

One day, at a CMP clinic run range at Camp Smith NY

Army guy:"..(you should defer to my vast knowledge, because).... I'm a Ranger!"

Me: " Yeah? Park or Forest?"

Posted: 6/28/2016 3:29:24 PM EDT

[#18]

Not really relevant any longer, but back in the day when people had pagers:

"Heavy" girl's pager went off and someone yelled "Look out, she's backing up!!!"

Posted: 6/28/2016 3:51:35 PM EDT

[#19]

Quote History

Quoted:
Sitting at a dinner w/ ex-girlfriend and two other couples. We're all tatted guys in black button down dress shirts and slacks. The stupidest of the girls won't shut up about our black shirt uniforms. The angriest of the guys looks up and says, "It could be worse. They could be brown shirts." Queue raucous laughter from the guys side of the table. Awkward silence from the ladies.

View Quote

IlDuce and the fascists wore black shirts.

Posted: 6/28/2016 4:43:57 PM EDT

[#20]

my step father Tony who had a very dry and sharp wit lived in a very higher end community

every Thursday night he would play cards with the guys

one night a discussion on what cars they own came up around the the table everyone bragged of the latest bmw or audi or benz

tony was silent one of the guys noticed and said tony what kind of car do you have

his response a brown one are you in or out of the fucking pot

i loved that man

Posted: 6/28/2016 4:55:32 PM EDT

[#21]

one of my bar guests--an obnoxious asshole who danced the line so carefully that i never had the grounds to ban him--to a woman who had just sat down at the bar:

"i can tell you want me in your pants".

her response:

"why? i already have one asshole in there."

yes, this actually happened. her name was stephanie, and after he left in embarrassment, the entire bar took turns buying her drinks.

Posted: 6/28/2016 4:59:45 PM EDT

[#22]

I was debating one of my students on the merits of spanking a child. She was adamant about no spanking.

She kept harping on the negative aspects of spanking when she, in frustration, exclaimed " Have you ever been spanked?"

I replied " Not as a child"

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:07:04 PM EDT

[#23]

Not mine but a friend told me this one. Said he was at a family function at his sister in laws. His wife came in the kitchen and asked her sister where the broom was at? He replied "Why, where are you going?" She didn't get it. The rest of the family fell down laughing. She still doesn't get it. Someone explains it to her. She hits my buddy with the broom.

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:07:25 PM EDT

[#24]

Shamelessly stolen from another forum:

So my best friend and I are in my truck headed south down Hwy 179 in Sedona, AZ, to meet our wives and kids at a restaurant for Father's Day dinner. We have no idea where the restaurant is and at the last minute my friend spots it. I jamb on the brakes and executed a rather nice 4 wheel skid followed by a power slide up the driveway and into the parking lot of an upscale establishment. All this done with our wives and kids onlooking with other patrons of the restaurant.

My daughter recognizes my bright red full sized pickup and says, "Yep, that's my dad!"

One of the patrons exclaimed, "Your dad's a redneck isn't he!"

To which my daughter replied, "Do you want to see him park on top of your Prius?"

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:09:37 PM EDT

[#25]

Big, disgusting, bully-like slob at work stands up and lets out a huge belch. it's an obvious attempt to draw attention and be disgusting.

Someone yells out "Whew! That smells like sperm!"

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:18:14 PM EDT

[#26]

Dusk was approaching at a outdoor concert and I hadn't taken off my sunglasses.

Some random chick walks up and starts giving me shit, asking "why are you wearing sunglasses, it's dark."

I said "the suns always shining for cool people"

She stormed off in a huff

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:19:51 PM EDT

[#27]

I slept over the gf's house and picked up a pair of her socks. They were dark blue, and unless you looked closely at the cutesy pattern, you couldn't tell they weren't men's dress socks. When I got to work I was sitting with my legs crossed and a good friend who gave a received a lot of smartassery said, "they look like my sister's socks." With blinking, I said, "they are."

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:23:31 PM EDT

[#28]

God, I want to thank you for making me remember this. I have 2 such events, both were delivered by the sharp whit of my grandmother.

Event number one. my grandfather was sitting in the livingroom with my grandmother, and his German shepherd started licking his balls right in the middle of the floor. My grandfather looked over and said, "man, I wish I could do that." To which my 72 year old grandmother replied, "I'll hold him down for you."

event number two we were over my grandparents with my sister and my aunt. My sister had a sinus infection and had a schedule later in the day for it to get checked out. Well just got back from a Geinocologist appointment and walked through the door. My aunt asked if they took care of her sinuses not knowing she had been at the OBGYN. Without missing a beat my grandmother said "I didn't know they went up that far."

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:24:36 PM EDT

[#29]

Quote History

Quoted:
Dusk was approaching at a outdoor concert and I hadn't taken off my sunglasses.

Some random chick walks up and starts giving me shit, asking "why are you wearing sunglasses, it's dark."

I said "the suns always shining for cool people"

She stormed off in a huff

View Quote

"The sun never sets on the cool..."

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:29:21 PM EDT

[#30]

Freshman high school biology class. Mr. Ehrich, the science teacher was demonstrating how to kill a bullfrog prior to dissecting it. As he stirred the frog's brain with his needle I blurted out "Man, that frog sure is pithed now!"

That was the last time I made a perfectly timed remark. 1983

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:38:05 PM EDT

[#31]

Ah, the wit of Arfcom.

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:39:38 PM EDT

[#32]

A couple.
A few weeks ago was sitting behind a tarded driver waiting for a parking spot at the local discount grocery. Gal who is waiting is in the typical shit box that is more bondo than body, waiting a butter beast waddle her cart to the corral.
Douche dude. "FUCKING DRIVE YOU FUCKING WHORE!"

Since we were waiting for the FSA mobile and she REALLY wanted that spot.
I bellowed "FUCK YOU BUDDY!"
He yelled back "Not you! the whore in front of me!"
I yelled to the fsa driver "Take your time honey, thimble dick is just pissed his hand won't put out anymore!"
About 10 people bust out laughing waiting on her.

Was under aged and on public transit. Tri-met is just a gaggle of scum and villainy on a good day, on a normal day.. forget it.
So I was about 16 going to my job, the windows are closed due to rain and this missing teeth mouthy meth hooker in training starts just being obnoxious.
The loud conversation was about how her BF fucks her so good and she puts out so he does not have to jerk off.
Then she starts asking the random dudes on the bus if they masturbate.
The Driver tells her to cool it and stop being so vulgar.
She turns to me "So do you jerk off?"
me." nope GF does that for me."
Her."Good for you does she enjoy it?"

Me shrugging "Beats me!"
Her.

The entire bus busts out in gales of laughter, the driver was laughing so hard he almost could not drive.

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:41:35 PM EDT

[#33]

I was open carrying and some goober asked me if could draw that pistol real fast.

I said not really. Probably take me the rest of your life.

I was in a safety training class on the topic of hard hats and the instructor showed a picture of a head wound that had been closed with staples. He said that he didn't know what the guy got hit with when he was asked. I said that it looks like it was a stapler to me.

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:49:48 PM EDT

[#34]

Me and a coworker was going back an forth over cost of a hair cut and you get what you pay for.

Now me, I admit I am a balding cheap ass and my barber charges * bucks for a basic hair cut. My coworker believed you need to go to a stylist(coworker is a man(maybe)) and spend 25 bucks to have your hair 'styled'.

Well he finally made me mad with a statement about cheap hair cuts.

My reply was 'Well atleast I did not pay someone 25 bucks to cut my hair to look like a bad wig.' Other coworkers said ' arhookem is right it does look like a bad wig.
The coworker came to work the next day with his head shaved bald.

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:55:24 PM EDT

[#35]

When I was in my early 20's, working as a line cook. I burped, and the Exec. Chef says "Damn, I just smelled every dick in the room!". I immediately replied with "Well I did just get done kissing your wife". Many lols.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:59:17 PM EDT

[#36]

I was camping with a friend, his family, and some of his family's friends. We all brought our guns, and I was unloading my AK, AR, and PSL and carrying them to a table. One guy (who also had an impressive AR collection) jokingly asks "What do you need those evil assault rifles for? You can't hunt with those! Are you planning on killing children?" I replied "Only the ones I plan to eat."

Posted: 6/28/2016 5:59:44 PM EDT

[#37]

I told my family a story about seeing a woman who years before I had helped in a car wreck. I was first on the scene and her leg was amputated and I controlled her bleeding till EMS got there. She recognized me all these years later and hugged me. My sister asked " Did she have a prosthetic leg?" I said " Nope it had grown back."

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:02:18 PM EDT

[#38]

co worker asked why i havent accepted his friend request on facebook....

i simply said.... because i dont want to be friends with you...

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:03:21 PM EDT

[#39]

In the academy(basic FF/EMT training before you go to a station, there were 38 of us at that time), utilities day. City water guys come, give a quick how to cut the water off demo. Gas guy comes, does his presentation. Next is the Power company guy. He does a 20 min "don't touch this" session, and at the end asks if there are any questions. A medic(no less) raises his hand and asks how much power is in a bolt of lightning. The millisecond he got the word lightning out, another medic(that guy) on the other side of the room yells "1.21 gigawatts!" Hilarity ensues for 10 minutes,, an instructor and several candidates are given oxygen because they laughed their o2 sat below 95, candidate earns the nickname "Doc" or "Doc Brown" which he still answers to today.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:05:23 PM EDT

[#40]

Two couples out for the evening and as we passed two smoking hot ladies walking done the sidewalk I commented they had legs all the way to their ass. My wife spoke up and said that her and the other wife had legs up to their ass too! Without hesitation I said" no dear you two have ass all the way down to your legs". Very chilly dinner out.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:07:29 PM EDT

[#41]

Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:08:10 PM EDT

[#42]

Guy I worked for back in the 80s and 90s tended to be a dick with information service on his brick phone. The lady asked him to repeat the name and he shouted "Juliet Oscar Echo Bravo Lima Oscar Whiskey". She gave him the number and he dialed it. "Good afternoon, Harris County Mental Health Association, how can we help you?

He got pissed because I was laughing so hard for so long.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:09:33 PM EDT

[#43]

Went to Captain America Civil War with my nephew, and drug my wife along. Everyone knows to sit to the very end after the credits to see the sneak peek at the next Marvel movie...theater was very quiet for a long time after the end of the movie, and a female a few rows up had finally had enough waiting through the credits and piped up "This is SOOO long!"

I get a shit eating grin instantly and retort loudly "That's what she said!"

The whole damn theater cracked up, it was hilarious. My wife was laughing as she punched me in the arm. I've said a lot of funny stuff in my time, but this was a shining moment. Still funny thinking about it today. It was juvenile and played out, but it couldn't have been more perfectly set up.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:13:15 PM EDT

[#44]

Her: Smoking is bad for your health.
Me: So is mouthing off to a stranger.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:14:06 PM EDT

[#45]

First day at a new job, car audio shop that also did tint, leather interiors, heated seats, etc.
I got volunteered to drive to lunch because my vehicle was the biggest.
Awkward silence for a couple minutes while driving.
The guy riding shotgun says "Did you know your tint is 2 different colors?"
Without a pause I reply "Did you know your parents are 2 different colors?"

Oops.
Fortunately everyone thought it was hilarious and we all got along great from then on.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:18:44 PM EDT

[#46]

I was managing security at a bar in a college town when one of my guys says there is a problem at the men's restroom. I walk over there and another one of my guys was arguing with a rather large girl who was blocking the entrance so her female friend could use the bathroom.

When I get there I say, "So what's the problem here."

Large girl says, "Your bouncer called me fat."

My response without missing a beat, "Well maybe you should go to the gym and that won't happen."

Much arguing ensues, and I tell her to get the fuck out since she obviously can't follow the rules and is impeding my business.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:25:11 PM EDT

[#47]

Oh I just remembered a double whammy.

I was at a training seminar with my work crew, from a company that made parts and tooling for custom car audio installation.
They were showing us how to make a vacuum mold to form tweeter pods for sail panels (this is like 1994, it was new tech at the time).
The instructor is struggling holding a couple things at once, and very jokingly asks "Does anyone have an inch and a half drywall screw on them?"
So completely random, we had come as a group straight from work, and I DID HAVE a 2" drywall screw and a couple butt connectors in my shirt pocket.
I spoke up, "Yeah I've got a two inch" and pulled it out of my pocket to hand to the guy.
As soon as I said that I knew I stepped in it, my manager immediately said "Haha leave it to Cory to pull out a two incher!"
There was just a couple seconds of silence, and right out of my mouth came "Well that's two inches more than you had".

They still brought that up to other classes over a year later.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:30:13 PM EDT

[#48]

Last summer we got stopped. The very young, obviously new state trooper that pulled us over asked us if me if I had any weapons as the first words out of his mouth. After the wife and I cataloged the various guns, knives, axes, and beating sticks in the Jeep he asked us what we were afraid of.

Before I could say anything the wife said, "Not much, especially if we see it coming." I do wish I'd taken a picture of him. The look on his face...

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:31:12 PM EDT

[#49]

Street picnic. One of the lib wives started going on about gun control She asked where I stood. I told her that when it comes to firearms I am pro choice. Stopped her in her tracks. It has been my standard reply ever since.

Posted: 6/28/2016 6:31:13 PM EDT

[#50]

I was part of a group at the auto OEM where we all worked that was chosen to evaluate some car loud speakers. The moderator told us the sounds we'd be listening were designed for evaluation of the mid and high range frequency as all the bass frequency sound had been filtered out.

I asked, "Did you use a Bass-O-Matic (with Bass pronounced "base")?" One other member of the group was a fan of the old SNL and got a good chuckle.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Perfectly timed smart-ass replies that are so good you never forgot them, share yours (Page 3 of 5)

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