User Panel
User Panel
User Panel
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:04:14 PM EDT
[#1]
arab guy on a bus (long time ago) asks to sit by me, I say as long as you don't blow yourself up.... Still feel bad on that one
ETA fuck yea page 2 pwnage..... |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:09:09 PM EDT
[#2]
Physics teacher in HS was explaining gravitational effects of bodies in close proximity using two balls.
After explaining the concept using balls of equal size and mass, he asked, "Now what would happen if you had two balls of different sizes?" I raised my hand and answered, "You'd probably walk around in circles all day." Getting kicked out of class was never so worth it. It once came up in conversation that I don't know how to type. (What can I say, it's not a skill that comes in handy inside burning buildings.) A guy I didn't particularly care for looked me like I had two heads and said, somewhat snottily, "What kind of job do you have that you don't need to know how to type?" Without missing a beat, I replied, "A man's job." Game. Set. Match. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:10:03 PM EDT
[#3]
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:11:43 PM EDT
[#4]
Dairy cow in a squeeze chute, really wound up and not wanting to be bred. My friend/boss was behind her waiting for her to settle down enough that he could stick his arm up her ass with a syringe full of sperm to get her pregnant. He finally got his arm up and the syringe in but couldn't get her to settle enough to get the syringe up to the cervix....
She finally had her front legs go out on her and went to her knees, I yelled "30 degree down angle, DIVE SEMEN, DIVE!" right then he got to the cervix and plunged the syringe. That was over 20 years ago.... I still think it was funny. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:11:59 PM EDT
[#5]
I went to Trader Joes (a small supermarket popular with many left leaning folk) for a tuna wrap and banana for lunch.
On my way out a Green Peace person tries to stop me for a petition... GPP: "You know what goes well with that banana, saving the dolphins." ME: "Yeah, save them for lunch" as I hold up my tuna wrap they had not seen... You could see them go pale as they tried to stammer out a response.   
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:12:04 PM EDT
[#6]
I had a very anti gun coworker bitching to me about the NRA and all their political power. I told her I was a member, and most of their money comes from gun owners.
I asked her how much money she contributes to Moms Demand Action or any similar group. She said she hasn't given any money to any of those groups. I said, "That's why we're winning." |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:12:45 PM EDT
[#7]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Physics teacher in HS was explaining gravitational effects of bodies in close proximity using two balls. After explaining the concept using balls of equal size and mass, he asked, "Now what would happen if you had two balls of different sizes?" I raised my hand and answered, "You'd probably walk around in circles all day." Getting kicked out of class was never so worth it. The "real" witty response would have included a reference to paper plates. Missed opportunity. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:15:59 PM EDT
[#8]
This wasn't so much comeback as just a response and it really should have gotten me fired.
We had a hot blonde (and ditzy) HR girl at the one place I worked and I had to work on a Saturday. The place had these locks on the doors that required a code, which I didn't know. Well I asked the HR girl for the code so I could get into the building and she drug me in front of the plant manager to see if I was authorized to receive the code. I wasn't allowed to get the code so she says to me, "You know what, I need to come in Saturday so I'll be here. Just let me know when you're coming and I'll let you in the front door." I relied "Front door, back door, either is good for me as long as I can come inside. The plant manager dropped his head to hide his laughter. the girl didn't get it. I was later told that I was very lucky she was so dumb. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:16:19 PM EDT
[#9]
You rode the short bus to school, dindt ya
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:18:37 PM EDT
[#10]
I used to work with this guy Steve. Steve was a bit feminine and had never had a girlfriend or boyfriend at 25 years old. We all worked 2nd shift and things got raunchy at times but he was the odd one out and had never seen another person naked. Steve was always nice to everyone, always helpful, etc. So one day I was in a foul fucking mood for some reason and Steve came up to me and said "I have a question..." I stared him in the face and not wanting to take my foul mood out on him said "Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina!" His face was
 as the room erupted in laughter. My shitty mood was better for the rest of the night.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:19:39 PM EDT
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted: With the Ex Gf at her daughters HS volleyball game in between matches and talking to the coach . The topic of what he does at school comes up. He says he works with special needs students . To which I replied , I work with retards too . . The ex did not think it was as funny as I did , hell even the coach cracked a smile  |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:20:27 PM EDT
[#12]
Quote HistoryQuoted: The jerk store called,and they are running out of you. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:20:50 PM EDT
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
OP just graduated to Middle School? Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
But did you ever nail one in real life? Well, I just did. He said "A lot of people keep dropping the pin, I can do it because I have really strong fingers." Then he looked at me and added "He knows why my fingers are strong." All 12 engineers turned and looked at me, and I said "Yeah, from jerking off all the time, right?" Now I'm still laughing at my own quick witted response You ever have a the perfect satire worthy response? That's what you call nailing sharp and witty? OP just graduated to Middle School? Yes and I don't think he knows what satire means either. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:22:08 PM EDT
[#14]
Quote HistoryQuoted: The jerk store called,and they are running out of you. What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:25:56 PM EDT
[#15]
Free Diesel!!!!
Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:26:50 PM EDT
[#16]
At local convenience store I was buying beer.
Lady behind me buying lottery ticket looks at me and says "you're throwing your money away". I look at her and say "no ma'am, I'm pissing my money away, you're throwing yours away". Coulda heard a pin drop. Danny 
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:27:27 PM EDT
[#17]
I was at the LGS the other day picking up some ammo and one of the owners was straightening some ammo on the shelf. She picked a stack of shotgun shells up and half the stack still on the shelf fell to the floor. I looked over the counter and said, "You dropped some." her husband who is the other owner started laughing as she just looked over at me and said, 'Fuck you.'
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:28:29 PM EDT
[#18]
Kiss My Ass !
Where should I start ? You are Ass all over ! Go Fuck yourself ! To late. I work here ! |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:28:47 PM EDT
[#19]
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I don't want to see you again.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:29:12 PM EDT
[#20]
Meeting to organize Flight PT at the base gym. A chick that obviously needed to be kicked out for weight issues says "I've got a membership to a off base gym, would I still have to participate?" I promptly said, "Yes, because the base gym isn't make believe."
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:30:04 PM EDT
[#21]
I heard this one second hand from one of the guys I work with. This happened on a construction job, a new home. Two older carpenters and two HVAC guys were working around one another in the basement. One of the HVAC guys was a young apprentice. Lunch time rolled around and one of the surly old carpenters laid his nail apron across a tread on the stairs. The apprentice started up the stairs and stepped on the nail apron. The carpenter quickly said "didn't your mother teach you to respect other people's things?" The apprentice shot back without hesitation "my mother taught me not to leave my shit laying around."
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:32:17 PM EDT
[#22]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Yes and I don't think he knows what satire means either. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
But did you ever nail one in real life? Well, I just did. He said "A lot of people keep dropping the pin, I can do it because I have really strong fingers." Then he looked at me and added "He knows why my fingers are strong." All 12 engineers turned and looked at me, and I said "Yeah, from jerking off all the time, right?" Now I'm still laughing at my own quick witted response You ever have a the perfect satire worthy response? That's what you call nailing sharp and witty? OP just graduated to Middle School? Yes and I don't think he knows what satire means either. No one does. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:33:05 PM EDT
[#23]
Watching a movie one evening when the wife comes home...
Wife: hey honey, what's on the tv? Me: dust
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:34:07 PM EDT
[#24]
Sitting at the thanksgiving dinner table with my brothers family, my mother and stepfather, and SIL's sister and her husband. Well her sister was given my brother a hard time about the dinner that my brother was bragging about working so hard at ( which he didn't) and she spouted off about she hoped he keep always washing his hands. He said sure, he washed them right before he Peed every time. And she threw a small fit. I piped in and said I always wash my hands before I Pee. And she said why the hell for. My reply was if I didn't the girlfriend would complain later it tastes like WD-40 {my brother and I both work with our hands} well about less than a second after I said that my mother who was sitting next to me hollered my full name and slapped me in the back of the head.
Well everyone was laughing but my mother and the SIL's sister. Her husband was trying to cover his mouth as well as my stepdad. Sometimes a quick whit can get you in trouble as you tend to speak before you think. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:36:31 PM EDT
[#25]
I had a young copilot that could not hover to save his life. Given an LZ the size of Texas, he would end up in Utah. One night, after a particularly extraordinary display of 'hands of stone' syndrome, we somehow ended up on terra firma with the big fan still on top and the rest of the parts in sorta where they were supposed to be. I could not stand it anymore and handed the copilot an orange...
"Co- what do you and that orange have in common?" Blank stare from the dazed and confused El Tee. "Neither one of you can hover the damn aircraft!" We went home early that night... |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:38:11 PM EDT
[#26]
DUI checkpoint when i was working midnights and heading in to the shop.
Trooper: Good evening, where are you headed tonight? Me: <Points in direction I was traveling> That way. Trooper: Oh, well where are you coming from?
Me: <Points to behind vehicle> That way. Trooper:  Have a nice night sir.
He looked like a fresh out of academy rookie and there was an older trooper behind him trying hard not to laugh. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:39:12 PM EDT
[#27]
Not mine but memorable.
A woman was overheard talking to another woman in the lunch room saying that her knees were sore from doing it doggy-style on the carpet over the weekend. A guy within earshot at my table laughed and turned around and told her: Nah, that came from pushing your dog dish across the floor. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:39:17 PM EDT
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: The jerk store called,and they are running out of you. What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! I was too early on my first delivery. Oh well. Funny shit no matter what! |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:39:50 PM EDT
[#29]
A co-worker is a vegetarian from India. I was showing another guy pictures of our families property in Texas with 30 cows and their calf's on it.
The Indian guy asked me, "What are you doing with all those cows?" My reply, " Fattening them up to be exported for the India beef market." The look on his face was priceless as the other guy bust out laughing. He is Hindu and considers cows to be sacred. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:39:59 PM EDT
[#30]
I'm not certain if this quite fits the bill but it was funny no less.
One time when I was in high school I was at a table with some of my friends and we were discussing cooking etc. One topic that came up is how to make cheesecake. One girl asked why plain cream cheese out of the package doesn't taste like cheesecake (of course it's because of the sugar and baking process). As I sarted to answer another girl said (in a condescending tone) "you taste like cheesecake". Once she realized the implications of what she just said she froze up and turned bright red
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:40:04 PM EDT
[#31]
I used to know a girl who was engaged to a guy named Harry.
She was part of a group (we were in our early twenties) that played Dungeons & Dragons and the only female. She said " I can't wait to get home and have some fun with my Harry." I said "Your hairy what?" We didn't stop laughing for five minutes while she turned beet red. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:40:12 PM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
The response "Your Mom (add witty comment)" usually does the trick in many situations. Sometimes better than others. My twenty year old daughter said she was going to go take a nap late one afternoon. I commented that I do not remember taking any naps when I was her age. She said "Oh yeah, what were you doing?" I replied, "Apparently, your Mom". She was not amused. My son blew snot he laughed so hard. She was born three days before my twenty first birthday. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:40:43 PM EDT
[#33]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Dairy cow in a squeeze chute, really wound up and not wanting to be bred. My friend/boss was behind her waiting for her to settle down enough that he could stick his arm up her ass with a syringe full of sperm to get her pregnant. He finally got his arm up and the syringe in but couldn't get her to settle enough to get the syringe up to the cervix.... She finally had her front legs go out on her and went to her knees, I yelled "30 degree down angle, DIVE SEMEN, DIVE!" right then he got to the cervix and plunged the syringe. That was over 20 years ago.... I still think it was funny. I see why your friend was the boss. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:49:44 PM EDT
[#34]
A liberal walked up to the handgun counter. The store also sold camping gear and clothes. He looked at the showcase full of Kimbers, SIGs, Glocks, etc.
Liberal: "Everyone who owns a gun should be killed." Me: "And just think, if you bought one of these fine firearms, you'd be able to kill them." |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:54:11 PM EDT
[#35]
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:54:37 PM EDT
[#36]
My ex wife once told me to go fuck myself
I told her "its better than fucking you" |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:55:14 PM EDT
[#37]
I was at the Orthopedic surgeon getting an opinion on hand surgery so when he asks if I have questions, I respond "Can you go ahead and give me a vasectomy while you're at it?" at which he immediately respond "I'm not that kind of bone doctor". The medical student shadowing him tried to not fall out laughing as the doctor turned and left the room.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:55:38 PM EDT
[#38]
for as stupid as you are im shocked you dodged the coat hanger
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:56:26 PM EDT
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
A liberal walked up to the handgun counter. The store also sold camping gear and clothes. He looked at the showcase full of Kimbers, SIGs, Glocks, etc. Liberal: "Everyone who owns a gun should be killed." Me: "And just think, if you bought one of these fine firearms, you'd be able to kill them." Nice! |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 12:58:10 PM EDT
[#40]
Every time I've said "That's what she said!" inappropriately.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:00:36 PM EDT
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Yeah?! Well, I had sex with your wife! I was too early on my first delivery. Oh well. Funny shit no matter what! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
The jerk store called,and they are running out of you. What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! I was too early on my first delivery. Oh well. Funny shit no matter what! His wife is in a coma. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:10:33 PM EDT
[#42]
While getting a division ass chewing for some stupid shit at sea the Chief says " You fuckers think I'm a bastard, but I'll have you know right now my parents were married! "
"Who were they married to, Chief?" I blurted out. Didn't end well for me.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:12:12 PM EDT
[#43]
I work in a firehouse, ball busting and witty one liners are pretty much the only form of conversation that occurs there. Most of them are long running inside jokes so they would be out of context in this thread but one is worth sharing.
One year at the Christmas Party we all got a little too drunk by the end of the evening. We had a probationary firefighter who was female and shockingly not a lesbian or ugly. One guy on another shift from her would always relentlessly try to pick her up and tonight was no exception. Her seated at the table behind me I hear him walk up and loudly/drunkenly say " So how do you like your eggs in the morning babe" without a moments hesitation she shouts back " Unfertilized now fuck off you desperate creep". Whole place erupted in laughter. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:12:58 PM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
One time I was in line at the Wendy's and this guy comes in...and I was like, hey buddy...go fuck yourself. It was awesome. I would if I could, problem is my dick is big enough to reach but my assholes too small. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:13:06 PM EDT
[#45]
Happened recently..i was playing a card game called "bs" with the family...my 11 yo lays down 3 cards face down and claims they are 3 "6"s...i say "bs..the only way you got 3 6's is if i shave your head"...he was too young to get a reference to a 40yo horror movie but his brother laughed.
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:14:22 PM EDT
[#46]
Ex father in law walked across the road from his house to look at a house that had just come up for sale. He came back and said: "That house has 6 bedrooms in it! I could open a whore house!" Me: "You'll have to run it by hand until you get some girls."
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:15:24 PM EDT
[#47]
My boss last week was talking about his vacation
He was wading around a reef and a little shark kept fucking with him , and he said WTF was up with that ? I replied I think they live there co-worker busted a gut , boss told us both to fuck off and went in his office |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:16:17 PM EDT
[#48]
Looks like roughly 87% of the people posting to this thread have no clue what the thread is actually supposed to be about. That said...
Back when I was young, in my Academy days, we had lined up for formation. For no apparent reason, I was standing facing slightly off to the right - say maybe five degrees away from facing front. Our DI got up in my face yelling about how I had formed up all cock-eyed, informing me that the rest of the platoon wasn't cock-eyed, and wanting to know why I was "all cock-eyed." I just said, "Sir, It's probably from my mother's side of the family. Sir." The whole platoon did pushups. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:20:40 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryQuoted: DUI checkpoint when i was working midnights and heading in to the shop. Trooper: Good evening, where are you headed tonight? Me: <Points in direction I was traveling> That way. Trooper: Oh, well where are you coming from?Me: <Points to behind vehicle> That way. Trooper: Have a nice night sir.He looked like a fresh out of academy rookie and there was an older trooper behind him trying hard not to laugh. eh, that's my standard response to that question and the police don't care. They just want you to say something so they can assess your level of impairment. |
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2016 1:21:44 PM EDT
[#50]
"I was hauling steel coils when you were still using the fat pencil to write your ABCs, kiddo.. Don't you EVER tell me how to do my job again..."
My reply to a smart-ass brand new driver, who thought that he was going to school me on loading steel. His three months of experience didn't include any humility, I guess.. |
|
|
Win a FREE Membership!
Sign up for the ARFCOM weekly newsletter and be entered to win a free ARFCOM membership. One new winner* is announced every week!
You will receive an email every Friday morning featuring the latest chatter from the hottest topics, breaking news surrounding legislation, as well as exclusive deals only available to ARFCOM email subscribers.
AR15.COM is the world's largest firearm community and is a gathering place for firearm enthusiasts of all types.
From hunters and military members, to competition shooters and general firearm enthusiasts, we welcome anyone who values and respects the way of the firearm.
Subscribe to our monthly Newsletter to receive firearm news, product discounts from your favorite Industry Partners, and more.
Copyright © 1996-2024 AR15.COM LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Any use of this content without express written consent is prohibited.
AR15.Com reserves the right to overwrite or replace any affiliate, commercial, or monetizable links, posted by users, with our own.
