I worked for a company where browsing porn would get you booted out the door quickly.
It was an HR policy due to sexual harasment or something like that.

Our toy poodle commandeered my kid's stuffed Bugs Bunny. She carried it around with her, and slept with it every night for over 13 years. Mother instinct or lonely maybe, I don't really know.

I worked at a women's college with that sort of policy.  We had a male faculty member whose desktop "just started working really slow".  Hard drive was full.  A little searching found an enormous directory full of porn.

I told the dude what was killing the machine.  I offered to clean it all off.  Dude was really embarrassed, told me he'd clean it, and just wanted me to leave.  I did.  Inquired a few days later if "the slowness issue on his machine had been resolved".  He answered in the affirmative.  Done deal as far as I was concerned.

A few weeks, maybe a month later, I was on vacation.  Dude's machine magically got slow again.  My boss, a woman, responded.  They kicked that dude so hard and so fast that he may be in orbit somewhere still.

She jacked it from the neighbors.  Usually when I'm on a conference call she'll toss it all over the living room.

I had problems from the other side.  I am a white guy who worked at a HBCU.  Head if IT was a real prick, hated white people.
I can honestly say that I credit my computer knowledge to him.  I spent countless hours learning to fix what he f**ked up, sometimes on
purpose, sometimes thru incompetence.
He would screw up all the computers in my building.  I finally got a program to reset the password for administrative privileges.
In later years I would have them fixed and running before he got back to his office.
He would buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of computers paying sometimes double the street price.  For some reason
upper management would not notice this even after being told.  (The dean of one of the colleges was demoted because he complained
about this.   go figure???)
Your data was not safe.  A database containing the names and financial data of donors was lost, no one knew how much was contributed
or how much money there was.
I could go on and on, many stories.  I had a department taken away from me because I pointed out that our data was compromised by him.
(They weren't paying me for it anyway like they promised; this was after I straightened it out.)
He thought he was bullet proof, he got too strong for someone in upper management, found out he was in their shit.
They fired him, delivered by messenger on Saturday, changed the locks, powered down the system.  State IT people were there at 8 am Monday.

Who is the sage?

I hate people that answer on speakerphone without saying you're on speaker or who is in the room.

Kharn

So how does your run on sentence get you a free pass?

Ok so lets talk about Fred.



Fred is a interesting character. Fred is an older guy, who has been I guess living under a rock. I issued Fred a new laptop when he started 5 months ago.



I walked back to Fred's office today to run a few maintenance programs and to see if anything is not working correctly.






Fred hands me his laptop, it is dead, zero power. Battery is dead.



I tell Fred let me take it and Ill bring it back shortly.






I decided to check and see the last server login for Fred.



October 5th, 2015






What has Fred been doing, is he avoiding the login???(he cant because you dont have internet access unless you login)






I asked Fred why??



Says he doesnt have a need for a PC.



Ok, who has been sending your emails out??






He claims to call his wife and tells her what to type and who to send it to.



I dont even..






I guess next week I get to teach Fred how to use a PC.


 

Our manager felt terrible about it.
Just about everyone else had a little comment the next day about everything being "a pain in the ass", or "so-and-so would not amount to a pimple on a machinist's ass."  

Wow....you win

If you have half a brain you can tell you are on speaker by the sound.

Oh goody...a thread that I haven't started where I get to complain about work.

Anymore I've come to loathe the majority of my colleagues.

Between the ones that will have tens of minutes long conversations in the hallway about how busy they are (see the irony there ?), and the ones that seem to get their rocks off antagonizing you I don't know who to hate more.

First there is Sarah..Sarah is supposed to be in charge of certain things for our group and is supposed to be doing some lab work in terms of assay development.  However when I ask her to do something that is clearly her area of responsibility I get the "thats not my job".  One day I took it upon myself to do something that her boss asked her to do and she didn't do for many weeks and people kept asking about.  I asked her where the material was so that I could perform this task and was met with "thats my job!".  Two weeks later she IM's me and asks me if I have the bandwidth to do that task.

Sarah also organizes these networking meetings, and will oftentimes spend a full day of company time setting these up, printing name tags, etc..These meetings have absolutely no relationship to the company we work for.  Sarah also never takes vacation.  Those two weeks she spent on the west coast?  Yeah, she doesn't count that as vacation since she logged in once a day to answer email.

Than there is Issac....Issaac seems to get joy in fucking with others and will often times make shit up to fuck with you...Issac is the guy I would like to beat up if it wouldn't get me fired.

New story time.


I get to work around 7:45am everyday. I am a creature of habit when it comes to work.


The accountant I guess had decided to come in around 7am to get some extra work done.




I dont even get my hand on the front door and she is running to me, claiming that she needs help right now. The sky is on fire etc.... I tell her it will be a minute. I open my office door, get in and take my jacket off. Start my daily routine. The entire time she is following me, watching me, huffing and puffing, at one point I thought it was the Big Bad Wolf.  1 minute later I finally turn and ask "Whats wrong?" Her reply, "My printer won't print, I need to get this printed ASAP.


I get into her office and find that she has unplugged the printer, removed the toner, and drum. "It jammed, and I need to get this printed ASAP!"




I put it all back together, and magically(I am a wizard) it starts to print.


What is it printing you might ask?


Her sons homework project.......... a 70 page report.


Oh I failed to mention this son is a 20 year old college student. She is going to read the report, then write a brief summary for him.


Using company time, company network resources, company paper and toner.




On some days,  I wonder if my work life is the Truman Show.


 

Fred sounds like a VP and his wife is the secretary.

 

Don't you love how something doesn't work, until you look at it and MAGIC, it works fine.  Get lots of those.

Super creepy guy at work once pulled me aside to ask if we could see whats been on his computer.  I politely tell him we don't search for stuff, we only look if there's an issue.  He immediately jumps in with "but say there was a dvd with "questionable content" on it in the disc drive....."  Again, I inform him we're not checking, but that he shouldn't do that.  Then comes "and say somehow I end up on a website that".  Mr. Creepy wouldn't let it go, just kept asking things like this over and over.  I finally had to ask him to leave as I had other work to do and I'd answered all his questions.  Why do people do shit like that (keep asking incriminating, leading questions to the IT guy)....

I also like the "you can't do that to MY laptop...".    Its a company asset, and my job is to maintain those assets.  I'll do what I need to, you don't own this damn thing.

How the fuck is George not fired and out on his ass?



 

I'm not even in IT.

I went to print a document one morning.


ON THE PRINTER was Black and White images of a Porn Website....


I mean WHO prints their porn?


I immediately assumed it was the 70 year old dude who never uses computers who was in the office the night before working on something....

 
Sounds like a pretty good portion of GD.  Are you sure you didn't find ARFCOM in all of the porn?

We have a setting in our computer.....Conus 12A

Every single time...he says Kronus.....

We have a job on Sourek Road......every single time.....Squirek Road.

What the fucking fuck. Can you not read motherfucker?

He holds up our wifi thinking it will help the satellite solution in our gps.....

Moron

What kind of settings do you guys work in?  I'm in an office & cubicle situation and you'd be fired for looking at porn once.  There would be no second or third strikes.

And using company resources to find said hookers...

I usually give them 5 minutes to figure it out before I leave my desk. I used to jump right at it.



So far, about 60% figure out their problems. The accountant doesnt call me back so when I get to her office, she says I figured it out. :sigh: You could punch the numbers to call me, yet you couldnt punch the numbers to tell me, thanks but I figured it out.





Fred came to me this morning asking how to access the managers guide. (I guess the boss told him to start using his PC. I havent been tasked with showing him how to use it, (YET.)

The stupid! It just doesn't end.

The other day I did a job at a hotel so today, I get three wonderful emails full of stupid. One from my national accounts dispatcher, one from my boss and one from my bosses boss; I've written about him before in this thread.

My NA dispatcher writes, 'The Tallest, the call number you used for the Hilton Hotel are from February of 2014. Did you send me the incorrect report?" My response was as follows, "Did you look at the date on the report? If you had you would've noticed it is dated February 2016. It is the current report. As far as the call number used. I am not a dispatcher and cannot assign calls. So, if it is a year old call I'm assuming that would fall on the national account dispatcher. I'm not entirely sure who that would be. Oh...wait....that's you."

Then my boss sends me an email for the same job. 'The Tallest, I noticed while reading the report that only half the devices were tested. Is this a 50% inspection also is it semiannual?' I replied, "You were given access to my calendar. I know its a few extra mouse clicks and it may seem like a lot but please, click on the calendar then go to the date in question. This next step requires even more additional clicks of the mouse button. Click on the job listed and it will open a new window. Amazing right? Wait, there's more. When the new window opens there should be some words there. They are notes. Please read them. But just in case this is too much for you, the words say, 'Semiannual, 50%'. Please, for my sanity next time you have a stupid question take a few minutes and look at my calendar. I mean you did make giving you access to it a huge deal this week.'

Then the gem from idiot for the same job, 'The Tallest,  I noticed that the fire phones, bells, doors and elevator recalls were not tested this inspection. I did not see it in the report comments; you didn't put anything about it. Can you please shed some light on this issue?' So, I opened the report in question and scrolled to the notes section and right there under "1" there is a note, clear as day explaining that they'd be tested next inspection. So, using the edit feature on Adobe Reader I highlighted it, saved it and attached it to an email with, 'Dumbass, I'm not sure what issue you are referring to. Is it that you're an idiot or maybe you can't read? However, if you could read and actually read the report you'd see why in the comments section under "1" why they were not tested. I went ahead and did you the favor of just highlighting the section. You don't even have to read it because I know you have problems with words. Just look at the color yellow. That's it."

Of course none of these emails were actually sent because I'd probably get written up or fired. I just write them out as a stress reliever then I delete them and don't respond to the stupid. I really can't fathom how these people haven't suffocated because they've forgotten to breathe.

I'd say if a guy is using my work computer for porn and hookers it becomes my business.  Probably do better hiring a guy smart enough to keep the two separate.

 

As I was reading this, I was thinking "wow, that guy is going to get fired."

Yeah, but they leave me absolutely no room to respond to the emails without being a dick which is why I don't respond to them. They are so stupid they forget they even ask me these stupid questions.

I work in network security.  Two things about porn:  One, porn sites are one of the most common vectors for malware.  Show me a PC that a normal person uses to access porn, and I will show you a PC bristling with malware.  I don't care what you look at per se, but browsing for porn opens you, *and the network* up to malicious activity.  Two, in this litigious day and age, if someone at work sees a coworker looking at porn, a lawsuit is possible.  You don't have to like that fact, but it is a fact.  And, bonus, if management knows they look at porn, and did nothing about it?  More lawsuit.  

While I do not normally go looking for people accessing porn on my network, whenever I see it, we stomp down hard.  They represent a threat to the network, and the company in a civil suit.  At my last job, I got 3 people fired for porn within a few months.  One low-level employee, one team lead, one mid-level manager.  After that, word got around and no one looked at porn anymore.

Years ago I had an Office Assistant/Secretary freak out and start yelling at me to come look at her computer because it was deleting everything on a really important document she was working on. I walked in, looked at her computer and removed the binder that was sitting on her space bar. She was super embarrassed and I never let her live it down.

Another older lady worked for me. She figured out the most bizarre ways to fuck up her computer. Constantly having to clean viruses from various pop up ads she would click. She kept all of her work on a jump drive, which she lost, with no back up on her computer, etc. At one point she kept harassing us about needing a new computer. We were cleaning out some old storage one day and found an old school typewriter. She wasn't amused when she came in and found it on her desk.

She was probably pissed she couldn't surf porn with it...

 Nobody in the business community has ever heard of Ad Blockers?  It's a rare site visited that I don't have mine active.

PS: 45 ads blocked as I type this.

Ok so back to George,(bare with me on this story I am on about 3 hours of sleep)



George is a man that hates change. You will remember his "Ill run my PC into the ground. Its a bazillion years old. Im awesome at keeping it going. BLAH BLAH BLAH." Yet he has a brand spanking new one fresh from the factory sitting turned off in the corner of his office.






Today George comes to me claiming he is not getting any emails. "Why??? I need my email to work." (Probably had escorts emailing him back who knows.) I go into his email and find that it is relatively clean. 13 gigs free of 30. Ok weird, let me send a test email. Yup, received it in less than a minute.






I inform George that all is clear and there is no problem. He then sends himself a test email. As I am watching him do this test. He sends a test to the out side of house email, we switched from over a year ago. (If you remember I switched all email to an in-house system.) As I check the old out of house email account (which is full and that is why he cant receive emails) I tell George that email account is only active to forward emails from others that haven't updated your address to the new email.



"No I cant switch I need the old one to work." says George. "George sorry but we switched to an in-house email, that required an email change. I can delete a few in here to keep things flowing but I need you to start using the new email account. It is too keep our information more secure."



"I dont care. Ill talk to the boss about this. Your attitude just sucks." replies George. "Ok you have a nice day George." As I walk out of his office.






Boss comes to me about 30 minutes later, saying he is sorry for George's behavior and that he will be converting to the new email ASAP.






George is now avoiding any eye contact with me and refuses to talk to me.



Going to be interesting when he has a conference call today and will need my help to conference everyone in. I wonder how long it will take him to come hat in hand.







 

Because it's all your fault!  

(kidding)

Pretty much.

 


George finally came to me about 30 minutes after his conference call was supposed to start. Hat in hand he asked for help.


Low and behold the city official he really needed on the conversation ended up leaving on vacation. He had already stated that he was on a tight schedule.




Mr City Official needs to talk to George about the plans review and comments, so that George can send to the architect to adjust for approval.


In reality George doesnt want to change the plans, he wants to convince the official to change his mind on some of the details.


City official is out of the office on vacation for 2 weeks. Putting the project behind 2 weeks.


Boss just found out and came to me pissed(not at me just the situation) that the phone conference feature wasnt working. I explained it works perfectly. Ive showed George multiple times how to use it and if he needed any help to just come ask especially if its time sensitive. I explained why George is probably trying to avoid me. Boss looked like a light bulb went off in his head. :DING:


We are on a time schedule and if the building isnt open by a certain date with a Certificate of Occupancy, we are charged 2000$/day. (didnt know that until today)


Boss has redirected his sights on George.






 

You haven't lived till you have to babysit your bosses idiot heroin addict son...

Who didn't always bathe for days on end, doesn't brush his teeth. Has one pair of work pants which don't get washed. Steals from the company by buying copper pipe at the supply house taking it directly to the scrap yard. Got his company van impounded and was arrested while buying heroin. Doesn't own a coat but works outside most of the time. Isn't allowed on the property of 75% of the accounts we have. Gets paid thirty dollars an hour. If he has he money to cover his bills, he won't show up to work.
God I love this job.

Okay, early '80s back-in-the-day story. We had recently installed a  ModComp mainframe to control one of our industrial processes, three cabinets powered through a large 240 Volt twist-lock connector. The computer was located in SE Texas, our Corporate Engineering office in NE Tennessee. Early one morning I get a call from the Plant Engineer that the computer had shut down, would not start up, everything completely dead. I ask him if it was plugged in. He called me a smartass and slammed the phone down. Five minutes later, my boss gets a call from the Plant Manager calmly wanting to know what's going on, so I hurry home, pack bags and three hours later am on a plane headed for the land of awesome Coonass food.

Get there late afternoon, walk into Plant Manager's office, he starts laughing, and asks, "Guess what?" Turns out he janitor had been sweeping behind the computer and knocked the plug loose.

Plant Manager invited a bunch of us, minus the Plant Engineer,  to go out that evening for BBQ crab, plates of raw oysters, and many pitchers of beer. Two years later, the Plant Manager, Production Manager, and I spent several months in Argentina starting up another plant with an identical computer.

God, I loved working for that company. Our primary customers were steel mills, and we went down with them.

Oh for fucks sake!!! I can't stand these idiots. This morning I get an email from my boss. He's looking for several reports and he "claims" 'National accounts never received them.' Several months ago he had asked for them as well. So, I spent about two hours going through all of my backed up reports and put everything from the year (2015) in a zip and emailed them to him the first time he asked. So, I got on the phone and said, "Before you even say hello, answer one question for me. Why the FUCK do I send you people my paperwork?" He says, 'I know. But they say they aren't getting them.' at this point I'm getting really annoyed, "Well, if I send you the reports what the hell are you doing with them?" He couldn't answer me so I finished off with, "Well, you need to go back to national accounts to go fuck themselves. I'm not resending them. I've already given them to you twice and now you are asking me for a third time? It's not my problem. I'm not sending them again." He apologized and said he found them on his computer. But I sent him the same god damned zip file I sent him months ago and told him that it was the last time.

Then fast forward a few hours later I get an email from his boss; whom I've written about in this thread. The guy is a complete loser and absolutely fucking useless. He puts in his email, "Specifically these reports:" and then lists out which ones they are looking for. I about lost it. I wanted to reply with, "YOU FUCKING USELESS MOTHER FUCKER IT'S ALREADY BEEN HANDLED!!! STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!"

Then...and this is the best part. They tell me to go to some job in Dayton, NJ after I do a job in Hillsborough, NJ. Dayton is about 30-40 minutes further south than Hillsborough. The opposite direction of where I live. So, I tell them I'm going to Dayton first because it makes more sense; something they don't have. I get to the job in Dayton and this guy in a Toyota whips up next to my work van and rolls his window down, 'What are you doing?' he says, and I just look at him and ask, "Excuse me?", 'Why are you here?' he asks. So I explain I'm there to test the fire alarm and he goes, 'Does anyone in your office listen to people?' so I chuckle because I know exactly where this is heading. "Apparently not, sir. What seems to be the problem?" I ask him. 'Well, I told your people two years ago I've cancelled the contract with them and have a different company doing the work. But yet, you guys keep showing up.' I laughed and said, "I'm sorry. I'll let them know." and he smiles and says, 'Yeah, I've told them four times now. They don't listen. I know it's not your fault and I don't mean to yell at you.' and I laughed again, "Don't worry about it. I'm used to it."

I've said it before, how have these morons not died of asphyxiation? How have these idiots in my office survived this long without killing themselves. What a bunch of window licking retards.

Holy shit.

This sounds like you're just the "IT Guy" not an actual director of IT. In fact, I bet you're the only IT guy where you work.

You have no idea the amount of that goes on here. They list contact info on your calls for people who are dead. So when you call and ask for them you get, 'Ummm...Tom died.' then when you apologize at his loss they reply with, 'Yeah, he died 15 years ago.' I actually love it when my dispatcher puts on the call, "CONFIRMED WITH (name of guy who was fired 10 years ago)" because I always call her up and say, "I'm just checking to see who you confirmed this appointment with." and she'll be all like, 'Oh, I spoke to (name of guy who was fired 10 years ago).' and then I'll just be quiet for a few minutes then say, "You didn't actually talk to anyone did you? As in you didn't even bother calling to set this inspection up." at that point she'll rush me off the phone.

I used to make it a point to fix their fuck ups before wasting my time by going but now I have more fun making them look like the assholes they are. I show up knowing full well it's going to blow up in their face and then I laugh at them when they try to backpedal trying to make it look like it's my fault. The best is for a while they were sending out emails demanding all field personnel confirm appointments they supposedly setup. I got on the phone to my office and explained, "When I was scheduling my own work we never had problems. Then you guys in the office thought you knew better and decided that you'd be scheduling all the work. You CAN NOT have it both ways. If you want to schedule then schedule but do it right. If you schedule DO NOT expect me to call and confirm appointments. It's your job. Now, if you'd like me to call and confirm appointments then that means I'm scheduling my work and I want you to have nothing to do with it." They are still, scheduling work for us but they've made such a mess of it. There's usually one or two days I do no actual work because the jobs they've supposedly scheduled and confirmed either don't want the work done or they don't even exist anymore. Like for example yesterday they sent me to a job and I rolled up on it and didn't exist. There was a huge sign on the door that said, "WE'VE MOVED!!! COME SEE OUR NEW LOCATION ON OCTOBER 23RD 2015!!" The notes on my call said, "CONFIRMED, 2 HRS". I laughed sat there for two hours then sent an email saying, "Yeah, this place...DOESN'T EXIST!!!" then attached a picture to it of the huge sign.

What's wrong with listening to Rush all day?

Depending on your state laws regarding privacy, you *might* get in trouble for that.  Check them to be certain.  No proxy, no firewall at the office I take it?

Where I work we cannot [i[look[/i] for porn/surfing history/etc but if we run across it we report it.

I dont have to look. He will ask me to bring his PC back to life when it goes down. That is when I find out where he has been and what he has done.

 
No we have that he just uses proxys to get around it. I cant block them all.


Also my daily virus/security scan will pop up the reports and list what is wrong.

Nope we have 12 different remote site across the country and I am responsible for all of them. I am the only IT at the main office but I direct the other minons under me at the remote sites to run this or that.

 
We just recently added two more hotels to the mix and I am in the process now of installing servers and etc at those locations.


 

Besides I have my Bachelors in Business Administration Information Technology.

Along with several IT certifications in servers, networks, etc... too many to list.

I have multiple programming certs as well, but those all need a refresh as I have forgotten some of it.

I probably need to go a retake the SQL server one, as we are now running a SQL accounting server.


So no I am not just some IT guy, or the only IT guy. I am the alpha and omega of IT at my company and well qualified to do so.

So George was connected to your network via VPN during his trip and looking up escorts?

No he did this on his PC before he left. He then used his iPhone to continue contact. He wont take a laptop with him as its "too much to handle"

 

So hes looking up escorts on your work network...what the hell is wrong with these people?

I won't say that I enjoyed busting child porn collectors, but it was satisfying.

Fuck this not-tattle bullshit. My job is to protect the company, not you.

I had this exact thing happen with a coworker