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Posted: 8/29/2015 10:47:36 PM EDT
[#1]
The usual 'you're cruisin' for a bruising', which worked pretty well because I don't ever remember catching a beating from him. I also remember his love for the 1911 and how it would 'knock you down even if the person firing the pistol missed you by a yard'.
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Posted: 8/29/2015 10:47:52 PM EDT
[#2]
"Son, at any given moment the biggest asshole in the State of Wyoming is invariably a visiting Texan."
"Pussy's like a pigs nose....hard as you try, you can't wear it out." "If it's got tits or tires....your gonna have problems with it." |
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Posted: 8/29/2015 11:10:06 PM EDT
[#3]
"Sit down and make yourself small" "offer that woman a chair, with an ass that big, you know her feet are tired" " a stiff d*ck has no conscience" "wish in one hand and sh*t in another and see what gets filled first" |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 12:05:29 AM EDT
[#4]
Shit in one hand, wish/want in the other and tell me which one weighs more.
If rabbits had guns, dogs wouldn't chase them If wishes were horses then beggars would ride Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 12:22:47 AM EDT
[#5]
"Penicillin doesn't fix everything"
Very zen. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 12:28:42 AM EDT
[#6]
If you can't blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
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Posted: 8/30/2015 12:32:24 AM EDT
[#7]
My Dad told me he thought when God designed him it was like Michelangelo designing the Sistine Chapel
He was a bit into himself  |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 12:33:32 AM EDT
[#8]
Right tighty, lefty loosey.
Him: If you wear your hat backwards people will think you are gay. Me: huh? Him: Gay guys turn their hat around so the bill doesn't hit their boyfriend in the stomach. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 12:36:34 AM EDT
[#9]
I can't take you fishing on Sundays, it's illegal. PA repealed that law in 1937.
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Posted: 8/30/2015 1:04:59 AM EDT
[#10]
Don't worship it, it's just the hairy end of an organ.
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Posted: 8/30/2015 1:13:09 AM EDT
[#11]
When i was 18 i was banging a 36 year old chick over the summer.
Dad has some work for me and my buddy so we are all out cutting brush,etc. Talk turns to whatever and my buddy drops that im banging said chick. My dad turns to me and says "anyone can fuck a whore". My buddy dies laughing and says i told you she was a slut. My dad just shakes his head and goes back to work.
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Posted: 8/30/2015 1:25:12 AM EDT
[#12]
watching zero dark thirty... the topic of being a navy seal came up some how..
pops: these guys aren't that big, they're around six feet tall and don't weigh over a buck seventy. me: i'm that size. pops: yeah but they're smart.... 
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Posted: 8/30/2015 1:42:56 AM EDT
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Dad: I used to have a great puppy. Me: what happened to it? Dad: i traded him for you beacuse i felt bad that your family was homeless.....i wish i still had the puppy Me: 
Ha. My dad told me he won me from some gypsies at a carnival. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 1:44:49 AM EDT
[#14]
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Posted: 8/30/2015 1:57:24 AM EDT
[#15]
After a friend got married out of nowhere, pops informed us that our buddy had found a '3'.
I inquired as to what a '3' was, and I was enlightened forever... A '1' gives head A '2' gives good head A '3' likes to give good head That night I began my lifelong pursuit of a 3 
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:04:36 AM EDT
[#16]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
He would love me no matter what, unless I was gay. lol...dude....I......can't...... 
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:05:09 AM EDT
[#17]
Me: "Dad I want this or that"
Dad: "Son people in Hell want ice water" |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:29:10 AM EDT
[#18]
Look out for the little guys that act like they got some kind of shit to prove.
Never let an idiot take ya out. Shut up and eat your mush. Don't smoke. Smoking killed your grandfather at 63. What are ya, stupid? That meats not burned, it's blackened. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:30:14 AM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
"That will grow hair on your chest" I'm a girl  Same. My grandpa used to tell us kids (even we were being a little pack of feral assholes) "I'm gonna trade you in for a monkey and shoot the Goddam monkey." |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:31:51 AM EDT
[#20]
"never trust a hooker with an adam's apple." |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:43:33 AM EDT
[#21]
______________________
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Posted: 8/30/2015 2:58:51 AM EDT
[#22]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
"i cant" is not part of your vocabulary This. He also told me not to be the one to start the fight, but if it looks like a fight is going to be inevitable, hit first, hit hard, and don't stop hitting until the other guy can't get up. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 4:02:37 AM EDT
[#23]
The good ones.
"Honesty is the best policy" "Do your work like you have to sign your name on it" "Judge a man by his character not what's on the outside" "Show initative, don't just stand around waiting to be told to do something" "Don't tarnish the family name" "Don't brag on yourself too much" "Remember your upbringing" "Treat others the way you want to be treated" "Don't go looking for trouble, it might find you" "The M1 was a great rifle, Serial #2218429" (Crap, how does anyone remember a # from that long ago? Every Garand I see I check the Serial #.)
There were some not so good ones too but I try not to dwell on them. My dad is 81 and still active, he's not perfect but he's mine and my kids think he's real cool. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 6:20:43 AM EDT
[#24]
When my brother was a little kid, one of the neighborhood kids hit my brother. My brother went to my dad and told him that the kid hit him. My dad replied "Well, knock him down and piss on him." About 5 minutes later, the neighborhood kid's dad came to the door saying that my brother pushed him to the ground and pissed on him.
I will laugh at that until I die. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 6:36:46 AM EDT
[#25]
"Everyone likes a little ass sometimes. But no one likes a smart ass"
Been gone three years now and I have always remembered that. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 6:42:39 AM EDT
[#26]
My Granny had the best one.
Regarding smoking, "if a girl will put a cigarette in her mouth, she'll put anything in there." Best tip ever. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 7:04:48 AM EDT
[#27]
Dad: Tell me the truth and I will stand beside you 100%. Lie to me and you are on your own.
Ive done some stupid crap in my life and I didnt want to tell him the truth. He knew when I was lying and he would just say "tell me the truth". I always ended up telling him and he has always stood by me 100%. Papa was a funny man, dont think I ever seen him speechless if you talked junk to him. Dang I miss him.
He use to say "I ve screwed so much pussy with a limp dick I could shoot pool with a rope." "If it was made to be eaten, it wouldve come with a spoon."
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Posted: 8/30/2015 7:12:43 AM EDT
[#28]
"Can't never did anything."
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Posted: 8/30/2015 9:47:02 AM EDT
[#29]
My dad taught us how to catch a polar bear.
You cut a hole int he ice. Ring the ice with peas... When the polar bear comes to the hole to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole. I need to get to the arctic to give this a try. |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 9:51:57 AM EDT
[#30]
The day I got my drivers license: "Don't be an asshole, particularly in someone else's jurisdiction ..."
"If you died tomorrow, is this how you'd want to be remembered?" Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 10:10:46 AM EDT
[#31]
"Two things that will totally and permently change your life: having A) a child, B) a felony conviction.
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Posted: 8/30/2015 10:31:27 AM EDT
[#32]
Grandpa on my dads side of family " Son women are good for 2 things, Fucking the shit out of you and fucking you out of your shit ".
Grandpa on my moms side of family " Don't stick your dick in a ant hill ". " I bet your ass gets tired of getting beat before my arm gets tired of swinging this belt " Dad " Don't trust a man that will not look you in the eye ". |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 10:33:48 AM EDT
[#33]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
"Son, you'd have better luck trying to jack off a bobcat in a phone booth."
His dad probably had to explain what a real phone booth was first |
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Posted: 8/30/2015 10:35:25 AM EDT
[#34]
Whenever we wasted something, like leaving a light on, dad would rant, punish us and say " what do you think, electricity grows on trees?
One day I throw out half an apple. He started the wasting stuff rant and finished with " what do you think, apples grow on trees?" I got in more trouble for laughing than I did for wasting half an apple. 
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Posted: 8/30/2015 10:38:59 AM EDT
[#35]
My fathers always said never look down on what someone does for a living, he is working for a living.
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Posted: 8/30/2015 10:42:20 AM EDT
[#36]
Quit crying or I will give you something to cry about.
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Posted: 8/31/2015 2:08:04 AM EDT
[#37]
Got the standard "shit in one hand wish in the other..."
But also got "if you're looking for sympathy you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis"; "this is a button hole not a chaplain's cross" ; And when referencing a longer than expected wait "it's longer than a whore's nightmare" I find I use the button hole comment a lot nowadays. |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 2:16:50 AM EDT
[#38]
"You have brothers and sisters all over Southeast Asia."
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Posted: 8/31/2015 2:32:10 AM EDT
[#39]
"If you don't have manners, you don't have anything."
"Anyone can quit." "If you know math, you can do anything." Well, I do have manners. I guess one out of three ain't bad.
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Posted: 8/31/2015 2:33:38 AM EDT
[#40]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Dad used to tell me that all the time when he would send my brother and I out to do work on the farm. I think he said "One boy is half a man, two boys is a quarter" or something like that. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Regarding work... "If you got one boy, you got a whole boy. If you got two boys, you got half a boy. If you have three boys, you ain't got no boy at all." Aviator Dad used to tell me that all the time when he would send my brother and I out to do work on the farm. I think he said "One boy is half a man, two boys is a quarter" or something like that. Mine said something similar as well. Something along the lines of "one boy has a whole brain, two boys have half a brain." Sure enough, when my best friend and I would get together with supervision something would end up on fire, with a hole in it, or otherwise destroyed. |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 2:43:58 AM EDT
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
My Granny had the best one. Regarding smoking, "if a girl will put a cigarette in her mouth, she'll put anything in there." Best tip ever. "If she smokes she pokes." |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 2:55:52 AM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I had been running home so that I wouldn't be late. It was twilight and I didn't see the barbed wire fence until I ran into it, at speed. I still have a large scar on my leg from it. "Son, the flesh'll grow back, but those clothes cost money." Excellent. |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 3:15:03 AM EDT
[#43]
Never invade Russia
Don't mix scotch with anything but water Don't mess with time travel. |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 4:16:18 AM EDT
[#44]
"If you don't bend or leak where you aren't supposed to, get your ass back to work"
Hard assed old Navy chief. He's going on 70 and can still work me into the ground. |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 5:42:34 AM EDT
[#45]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Whenever we wasted something, like leaving a light on, dad would rant, punish us and say " what do you think, electricity grows on trees? One day I throw out half an apple. He started the wasting stuff rant and finished with " what do you think, apples grow on trees?" I got in more trouble for laughing than I did for wasting half an apple. LOL |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 5:45:21 AM EDT
[#46]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Wat Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
If you drink milk after eating fish, it'll fuck up your stomach. Running the AC on the car messes up the engine. Lamborghini's and Ferrari's don't exist. They are fake cars. Wat I came to find out later in life that both mom and dad were liars. |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 5:55:05 AM EDT
[#47]
Don't worry about what other people have or are doing, worry about yourself.
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Posted: 8/31/2015 6:09:31 AM EDT
[#48]
The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, it's out there alright, and if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.
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Posted: 8/31/2015 7:24:37 AM EDT
[#49]
"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all".
"Just because you've got money, doesn't mean you've got brains". "Whenever I took a sick day, they knew I was sick". "Don't steal from work, sleep at work, and always look like you have something to do". "Take care of it, and it will take care of you". |
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Posted: 8/31/2015 7:46:41 AM EDT
[#50]
"Too soon old and too late smart."
"Salt's your enemy." (He had high blood pressure. I eat everything with lots of salt and have perfect blood pressure at almost 50 now.) Dad wasn't much for catch-phrases otherwise. |
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