I woke up in the middle of the night with my wife turning the light on and screaming holding our newborn daughter in her arms "She's not breathing, our baby isn't breathing".  I saw my 3 day old daughter Heidi, and held her.  She was limp, mouth was open, and still warm, starting to turn pale around the lips.  I rubbed her sternum, no response.  I flipped her over onto her stomach and gave her two blows to the back incase she choked.  A small amount of blood and saliva drained from her mouth.  

I put my ear to her chest.  Heard and felt nothing.

I started CPR in my bed and told my wife to call 911.

I told the 911 dispatcher I was a firefighter/paramedic and I'm preforming CPR on my daughter who is just 3 days old.  She told me help was on the way.  We live in a small rural town as I commute into the northern Virginia area for work, and our towns fire siren pierced the night as I felt helpless doing mouth to mouth and compressions on my daughter waiting for help to arrive.  

When the ambulance arrived, I asked who was the paramedic, I need help. No paramedics on the ambulance tonight, just volunteer EMTs.

I ran out the door in my boxers and tshirt on to the ambulance and then told the EMTs I'm a paramedic with the jurisdiction I work for.  I now had to run the worst call of my life.  Pediatric arrest, of my own daughter, as the only paramedic and highest level of care there.  In the ambulance, I told them I needed the EZ-IO gun (to drill into my daughters bone to establish a line for medications), I told them I needed the intubation kit, and I told them I needed the drug box for epinephrine.  

I had to preform all these procedures on my daughter (for the first time outside of training) as the EMTs took over compressions and ventilations.  The initial rhythm on the monitor was asystole, she had no organized rhythm or pulse.  After two rounds of epi I was able to get her into corse v-fib, a shockable rhythm, I ended up eventually defibrillating her twice in our 30 minute ride to the hospital with my wife in the back of the ambulance watching me work, as she turned her head away and prayed.

I looked up at the monitor, and noted 15 minutes had gone by since we turned the machine on, normally we call it with adults at 20 minutes.  I cried out "please wake me up from this nightmare" as I switched with the EMT to do compressions because we were still 10 minutes out from the hospital.  The EMT told me it was no dream, keep it up, you're doing great and we're not going to give up on her.  

Apart from the encouragement, I knew the reality of the situation, I started to tell my wife the outlook wasn't good, I've done everything I can, she still has no pulse and is just too new to recover.  She said she knew, and prayed for me for that tonight God was asking a lot of her husband.

When we got to the hospital, my wife asked me.  Do I believe in God, yes.  Do I believe He is good, yes.  Do I believe He is sovereign, yes.  Do you believe that He created Heidi, yes.  Do you believe He ordains the days of our lives, yes.  And lastly, do you believe He is faithful, yes.

We ended up walking into the hospital holding each other and holding each other in our faith that our daughter is now in the arms of the Lord, Jesus.  For the bible tells us Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

My daughters life was short.  I will never have the answers of why she went home that night this side of Heaven.  But my wife and I gave testimony at her memorial service to a packed church of people that never even met or knew our daughter, and we explained that our hope is in the resurrected Christ, that because He is alive, she is alive.  My daughter cannot come back to us, but someday, we will go to be with her.  It is not a goodbye, it is a see you in a little while.  Our pain and grief is still real.  The trauma I endured as a paramedic will stay with me forever again on this side of Heaven, but our hope and comfort is in the Lord.

If you share our faith, please pray for us and share our testimony as it is what we would want for Heidi.  If you do not share our faith, condolences are appreciated.

Thank you for your ear  

Sorry for your loss. Prayers sent.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I know no words can bring comfort but maybe peace. As my Mom and I went to her eye dr. appointment today we talked of how God always has a plan. We may not always like the plan but if we totally surrender to him peace and understanding will come in due time. I am so sorry for the pain you and your wife are having. You will be in mine and my families prayers.

Holy fuck I could not imagine....I lost my best friend and my brother within the last 2 months, and im 36. My son is currently tearing up the shower and all the soap and shampoo as I type this. he is 5. Im soo sorry for your loss. I just couldn't imagine what your going thru....godspeed brother.

Sorry for your loss . Prayers.

God bless you both in this sad time. My prayers are with you.

Damn man...I am so sorry for your loss.  No words can express the heartache that you two must feel.  Prayers inbound for you.  I really am sorry,

Sorry to hear...

Very sorry for your loss.  Prayers for your family.

That read hurts.  

It broke my heart.


I'm sorry.  

Rest in peace little Heidi.    

Better people then me will have better words, I have none after that read. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Wow OP. I don't even know what to say. I have an eight month old and your tragedy has been my greatest fear for the last eight months. I am very sorry for your loss and impressed by your strength, courage, and faith. We lost our first baby to miscarriage. Like you, I know that we will see her one day. You did everything you could and much more than I and most others could do to try to save her. Your family, including beautiful little Heidi will be in my prayers.

This is one the hardest things.

What we do know is the hope and joy we have through the death and resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. You will see your daughter again.


Prayers sent.

My sincerest condolences, and may your faith keep you and your wife strong.

no words can convey the sorrow. Please accept my  thoughts and prayers for your loss.

God Bless you and your family. Prayers from my family to yours. I don't have the words-

May God bless you.

Added to our prayer list. God bless you and your family.

oh i'm so sorry OP,

prayers for you and your wife, and Heidi.

My condolences to you and yours, prayers sent.

I wish I had some words to make sense of this or make it easier for you guys.  I also believe that God has a purpose for things, but unfortunately we don't always understand why; peace & strength.

I didn't cry during my brothers funeral, watching my mother and father fall apart, planning his funeral, walking into that room looking at him in a box just as he was found....but I just teared up at your post, giant quiver in my voice when I showed my wife your post. Im tough, hard.....you sir just made me break down. thank you. I needed it.

My deepest sympathy

My heart's breaking for you and your wife.  I pray God gives you peace in your time of unbelievable loss.

So sorry for your loss.

My God. I have so much pain and empathy for your wife, family, and you. My son was just born and isn't two days old. I couldn't fathom your pain. PM me 24/7 if you need it.

I pray, in tears, for you all.
That's heartbreaking.
Keep the Faith, Brother.
God Bless You.

Ah Shit, Sorry for your lost

I can not begin to imagine that happening to me

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry.  

I'm sorry for your loss.

Beautiful Heidi is cradled in loving arms until you can hold her again.

Very sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry.

So sorry for your loss brother. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Such a short life for such an adorable little being. She is in the Lords hands now to watch over her and He will watch over your family. God bless, my friend.

I am so sorry for your loss. Words fail.

Thank you for sharing her story.  I can not imagine the strength you and your wonderful wife share.  May God's grace and peace touch you during this time.

Thoughts go out to you tonight OP.

I hope you and your wife find the strength to get through this.  So very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you for all your posts so far.  My wife and I are crying in comfort reading them.  Will keep those of you with children of your own in our prayers that you may never have to walk the path that has been given to us.

My sincerest condolences to you and your family.  I'm in tears praying for you.  May your faith in Christ bring you comfort.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

There are no words to express that sort of sorrow. I ache for you, and I pray for you.

Speak her name, and remember her. For only when she is forgotten is she truly gone.

Prayers and condolences to you and your family. Time and faith heal all. God bless you all.

Not many threads here make me tear up... this is one of them.  Prayers faxed.  

So sorry for your loss. Prayers sent.

My condolences. This is truly heart breaking. Prayers