I forgot how gyms attract turds, now the sad saga of Dougie Bro... - Page 1

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - I forgot how gyms attract turds, now the sad saga of Dougie Bro... (Page 1 of 8)

Posted: 11/18/2014 11:54:26 PM EDT

If you don't like reading, I suggest a Fast & Furious movie. Anyway, here's my story....

Moved into a condo/townhouse that has a nice gym as an amenity. It's not big, but really first class in terms of equipment. So, the wife and I have been going every morning. We've been doing P90X in my home gym for years, it's been a decade since I've worked out in a gym and my wife never has...but since we go late morning, it's usually just us or one other person in there. But, I told her how the gym works and explained the etiquette and things have been fine...till today.

There's a rotating cast of characters that I've seen in there, and I like to give them names...like the psycho cross-training iron-woman with a scary build, gross veins in her neck, and an intensity usually reserved for Russian men passing a kidney stone. I call her The Krusher.

Then, there's an older, swarthy man who looks at himself boxing in the mirror, and yes even winks at himself. He does little else, but he has a great track suit and would be at home as an extra playing Mr. Furley's lethario brother on Three's company. I call him Doctor Silk, because I think he calls himself that.

Then, there's Donnie and Dougie Bro. The Bro Brothers. They're young 20's, look like brothers and may or may not be. They come in, wearing sleeves of meaningless tats, head-to-toe underarmor garb, and stinking of manfume. They talk incessantly, cheering each other on, and spot each other like their bromance is a well-oiled machine. They even stick around after the workout to hang out, drink some brocovery drinks, and relax in the atmosphere of other people in pain. To know them is to not like them.

There's a few other characters, but you get the idea.

So, for the last week we haven't seen many of the regulars. Just been the wife and I or a random straggler who's home for the day and doing a workout. We get our stuff together, head into the gym, and get started on some free-weights. As I look around, I see Dougie Bro working out alone, uncharacteristically. He's in the corner doing some cock-pushups or something, so I ignore him. We're doing arms and shoulders, so for the most part we stick to the weights and I notice that Dougie is moving from machine to machine, doing some circuits I imagine....but mostly hovering around the leg machines. I try to pay attention to give people doing sets clear access to a machine or two.

After a while, we decide to go over to the pull-down machine to get some time on that. When I get over to it, on the opposite side of the room from where Dougie was, I see someone walking towards me in my peripheral vision. I turn just in time to see Dougie looking very stern and forceful, and he says (too loudly, because he's got his earbuds in and is too stupid to adjust for the lack of audio input) "Hey man, I'm on that!".

Now, I pay good attention, I'm vigilant about things. I've been there 20 minutes, and Dougie hasn't touched the pull down machine. Knowing two possiblities exist here:

a. Dougie is an aggressive dickhole with an entitlement issue.

b. I blinked and in that 20 millisecond lapse in vision, Dougie came over and completed a rep of pull downs.

I decide to at least leave open the option that I'm in the wrong, and honestly I'm a little shocked this conversation is really happening.

Me: "Oh sorry, I didn't see ya doing anything here. Can I share it between reps when you're done?"

Dougie: "No man, I've got it set up, I've been here all morning" (this machine takes 2 seconds to move a pin, and slide the pull down to its proper height)

Me: "I'm not trying to be a dick here, but you can't really monopolize every piece of gear you're eventually gonna use, this is an open gym man."

Dougie: "I don't need a fucking lesson, I'm asking you to move along until I'm done."

At this point, the very real possibility of fisticuffs with a well-built kid half my age started to become an impending reality, and while I've got experience in this area I'm long past the years where this sounds fun, or even prudent, but I'm fucking pissed and trying hard to choose my words carefully.

Me: "Settle down, I'm not doing anything unreasonable here, I'm asking you to share the equipment and work with me. That's not a dick move, the dick move is laying claim to something you haven't been on in 20 minutes."

I see Dougie's demeanor change from pushy to fightin' mad here, noticing red-face starting to build.

Dougie: "I'll fucking take you off that machine"

Right about here, although about 87% of my dna wanted to put Dougie's cranium in a shop press and watch the small amount of pink shoot out his ears, I knew I had a fucktard, pissed off kid who gets off on this shit to deal with, and I decided (knowing my M&P was in a bag sitting on the other side of the room) to defuse this before it got even more stupid.

Me: "Well, I'm not gonna throw down over a turn on a machine, sport, so you knock yourself out and enjoy your victory"

I put up my hands in a mock "surrender" pose, and turned and walked back to the weights...the wife gape-jawed right along with me, I think she's still in shock people like him really exist in the world.

As I'm walking back, Dougie says loudly "I ain't the fucking bad guy here".

Irony.

The wife turns, ill-advised and said "Uh yeah, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you are". He scowled, and I was sure he was gonna say something beyond the pale that would end up with me killing him, but he waved her off as if it wasn't worth it. The first smart thing Dougie Bro did all day.

So, we ignore Dougie and his routine for a while and keep working out, stubbornly thinking it was done and there wasn't any contest about territory left in him, but oh contraire....more drama was to ensue, but this time I just watched.

About 5 minutes later, one of the women from the staff office comes up the stairs with another lady, and they go over and talk to Dougie. I can't hear everything they say over the craptastic Rhianna song blasting in there...seriously, who fucking works out to Rhianna? I digress...I see a lot of arm-waving and hear "Bullshit" a few times, then they all walk out the back entrance and disappear. We couldn't figure it out at first, but my wife recognized the other woman as the yoga instructor who occupies a neighboring room, and we suspect she overheard the melee and went and got the boss to toss his dumb ass. I'd almost want to believe this isn't Dougie's first run in with the boss lady, either.

So, no one was shot, and Dougie asserted his browess over me, but I didn't end up in jail or beat to death with a curling bar so that's a plus. It's ungratifying getting older and making the smart choice not to engage in the retard dance, that's for sure.

He's probably at home, right now on the couch with Donnie, and they're playing Xbox and hitting the Red Bull really hard, and he's still worked up about that mean older guy who wanted to do 8 reps on his pull down machine, and only a few pumps at Donnie's starfish in the shower is gonna relieve that venom.

Posted: 11/18/2014 11:58:30 PM EDT

[#1]

This is a great story are you prepping for Cola Warrior ?

Posted: 11/18/2014 11:58:52 PM EDT

[#2]

I fucking LOL'd.

Posted: 11/19/2014 EDT

[#3]

Quote History

Quoted:

This is a great story are you prepping for Cola Warrior ?

View Quote

Only if there's diet cola, and gluten-free whole grain Peeps. I've gotta watch my figure.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:00:12 AM EDT

[#4]

Stuff like this is why I'm considering just saving the $10 a month and utilizing the treadmill and eliptical at my sister's. I'm over there 2-3x a week anyway.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:00:27 AM EDT

[#5]

10/10
Exceptional write up.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:01:32 AM EDT

[#6]

For future reference, nobodies face can withstand a 2 1/2 pound plate across the bridge of the nose, NEVER let a man punk you down, son, espeially in front of your woman. If you can get your hands on a plate or bar, nobody wants to get hit with that shiit, and once you got your hands on something, even if they do want to fight, you"ll nulify that size and age advantage.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:01:45 AM EDT

[#7]

He was 100% in the wrong as I'm sure anyone who works out will tell you. Good job holding back.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:02:11 AM EDT

[#8]

Fantastic... until the last sentence.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:02:29 AM EDT

[#9]

Quote History

Quoted:

Stuff like this is why I'm considering just saving the $10 a month and utilizing the treadmill and eliptical at my sister's. I'm over there 2-3x a week anyway.

View Quote

You were the one whom OP almost bladed. I knew it.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:02:57 AM EDT

[#10]

Gyms are filled with weirdos and douchebags

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:04:25 AM EDT

[#11]

I'd rather share a gym with the 'bros' than those disgusting mendicants that hang out in the locker room naked, and shave at the middle sink, while still naked.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:05:08 AM EDT

[#12]

Do you even lift?

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:05:55 AM EDT

[#13]

Does his name have to be Donnie? lol. You did the right thing.

PS, I read your lessons on being a man earlier in another thread. Phenomenal write-up.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:06:59 AM EDT

[#14]

funny thing is I do the same thing, the gym I go to has a host of characters and I have given them all pet names, anyway I really do not know how I would have handled some sfb acting like that

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:07:28 AM EDT

[#15]

You should have pissed on him to assert your dominance.

FYI this is one reason I have a home gym.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:07:36 AM EDT

[#16]

When did the 45 lb dumbell come into play?

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:07:45 AM EDT

[#17]

Well done OP. Stupid fuckin situation though

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:08:31 AM EDT

[#18]

I came to read because title made me think it was a CrossFit thread.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:09:11 AM EDT

[#19]

Brotastic Story Duuuuuude

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:09:20 AM EDT

[#20]

Quote History

Quoted:
You should have pissed on him to assert your dominance.

FYI this is one reason I have a home gym.

View Quote

Home gym is the answer.

That whole Lunk Alarm thing turned me off... Cuz I grunt when I get my swell on.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:09:35 AM EDT

[#21]

Quote History

Quoted:

Only if there's diet cola, and gluten-free whole grain Peeps. I've gotta watch my figure.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
This is a great story are you prepping for Cola Warrior ?

Only if there's diet cola, and gluten-free whole grain Peeps. I've gotta watch my figure.

Peeps are gluten free.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:10:32 AM EDT

[#22]

You'll probably get a kick out of these Broscience videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrhc5-Fxo0g&list=TLJYIyV7zGVsE

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:10:38 AM EDT

[#23]

Quote History

Quoted:

For future reference, nobodies face can withstand a 2 1/2 pound plate across the bridge of the nose, NEVER let a man punk you down, son, espeially in front of your woman. If you can get your hands on a plate or bar, nobody wants to get hit with that shiit, and once you got your hands on something, even if they do want to fight, you"ll nulify that size and age advantage.

View Quote

Some shit ain't worth it anymore. The wife has been with me 23 years, and has seen me lay a man out for being a dick to her...got nothing to prove in those regards. His little antics was because his dad didn't love him, so he's gonna take it out on the world. I'm not gonna instigate an assault while I'm in the same room as my carry piece. No fucking way.

That's a great fast-train to prison, or the permanent loss of my rights.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:11:51 AM EDT

[#24]

Quote History

Quoted:

When did the 45 lb dumbell come into play?

View Quote

It didn't, I just needed something with 45 in it for a zinger title.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:12:18 AM EDT

[#25]

I laughed at 'brocovery drinks."

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:13:01 AM EDT

[#26]

Quote History

Quoted:

Home gym is the answer.

That whole Lunk Alarm thing turned me off... Cuz I grunt when I get my swell on.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
You should have pissed on him to assert your dominance.

FYI this is one reason I have a home gym.

Home gym is the answer.

That whole Lunk Alarm thing turned me off... Cuz I grunt when I get my swell on.

Who doesn't? I also throw things.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:13:29 AM EDT

[#27]

Someone in OH that can write an entertaining story.. OP I enjoyed it.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:13:48 AM EDT

[#28]

Quote History

Quoted:
I'd rather share a gym with the 'bros' than those disgusting mendicants that hang out in the locker room naked, and shave at the middle sink, while still naked.

View Quote

Or the old guys that wash there fucking underwear in the sink.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:15:12 AM EDT

[#29]

Thinking back on my many years at the gym, I can think of only one fight that I've ever witnessed (and that one was two guys who had a long standing issue outside of the gym). Usually its just people working out or chatting. You would think that with all of the testosterone flowing and guys walking around with ILS (imaginary lat syndrome) there would be a lot ore conflict.

I've never understood the 'It's my machine' guy who doesn't want to let you work in. I'm one of the bigger guys at the gym I train at and I've never given people an attitude or not allowed them to work in.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:15:51 AM EDT

[#30]

Quote History

Quoted:
I'd rather share a gym with the 'bros' than those disgusting mendicants that hang out in the locker room naked, and shave at the middle sink, while still naked.

View Quote

Where's that cartoon with the old guys in the locker room?

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:16:05 AM EDT

[#31]

Quoted:

View Quote

He's probably at home, right now on the couch with Donnie, and they're playing Xbox and hitting the Red Bull really hard, and he's still worked up about that mean older guy who wanted to do 8 reps on his pull down machine, and only a few pumps at Donnie's starfish in the shower is gonna relieve that venom.

I disagree.

They broke up. That's why he was alone and pissed.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:17:27 AM EDT

[#32]

Every single time I find myself debating whether or not I should buy another piece of workout equipment or where I am going to find the space to put it, I think of such gym antics as you describe and just figure out a way to make it work. Dealing with people in general sucks. But for whatever reason, it seems gyms bring out the most boneheaded of the boneheads. Being able to perform an entire workout from start to finish in your own home without the presence of these people make it worth the cost and the use of space.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:21:29 AM EDT

[#33]

This happened.... I'm positive

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:22:50 AM EDT

[#34]

wait till he sees you at the goat while drunk, there's going to be a melee

eta: that's why it was worth it spending money on a home gym instead, don't have to deal with assholes.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:22:54 AM EDT

[#35]

Geez,Swingset. I thought I was on Facebook or something!

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:23:26 AM EDT

[#36]

The way he acted like a fucking jerkoff at the gym probably carries / carried over to how he lives his life. He's probably a huge fucking loser.

ETA: am I the only person who notices when a certain percentage of the male population loses or is losing a verbal argument they resort to the implication of or threat of physical violence? I love the stare down, and posturing.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:23:30 AM EDT

[#37]

Quote History

Quoted:

Only if there's diet cola, and gluten-free whole grain Peeps. I've gotta watch my girlish figure.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:

This is a great story are you prepping for Cola Warrior ?

Only if there's diet cola, and gluten-free whole grain Peeps. I've gotta watch my girlish figure.

Fixed it for you since you didn't get the pull down machine.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:23:34 AM EDT

[#38]

Thankfully my gym doesn't suck too bad. Haven't seen any assholes yet in the past 2 months I've been there. Just a shitload of "brocovery" drinks.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:24:11 AM EDT

[#39]

It actually makes it worth while to be a fat body not having to ever deal with a fucking roided out bro. All bros should be killed on sight to prevent them from breeding before the roids solve that problem for them.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:24:23 AM EDT

[#40]

I cant find in your story where as he was being escorted out, you hollered "Hey BRO, you done with the pulldown now? ... Yo, BRO, can I work in a set now? ... BRO, where you goin BRO???

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:24:30 AM EDT

[#41]

Also, first good thread I've read in GD in a while.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:27:59 AM EDT

[#42]

Nobody practices gym etiquette anymore. I go to a gym that's like 3/4 old people, so not a lot of brodudes, but I do have to deal with old farts stealing my equipment the split second I get up to get a drink of water (even when I leave m towel on it

). I'm always polite about it though and ask if they want to work in sets (they never do).

The things that really piss me off are: bros making fun of people, bros slamming weights/screaming, bros using dumbbells 3 inches away from the dumbbell rack.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:28:36 AM EDT

[#43]

Great story, swing! May I suggest some other colorful musclebound nicknames courtesy of the fantastic Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Space Mutiny"...

Beat PunchBeef
Big McLargeHuge
Blast HardCheese
Blast ThickNeck
Bold BigFlank
Bolt VanderHuge
Brick HardMeat
Buck PlankChest
Buff HardBack
Butch DeadLift
Crud BoneMeal
Crunch ButtSteak
Dirk HardPec
Fist RockBone
Flint IronStag
Fridge LargeMeat
Gristle McThornBody
Hack BlowFist
Lump BeefBroth
Punch RockGroin
Punch Side-Iron
Punt SpeedChunk
Reef BlastBody
Roll Fizzlebeef
Rip SteakFace
Slab BulkHead
Slab SquatThrust
Slate Fistcrunch
Slate SlabRock
Smash LampJaw
Smoke ManMuscle
Splint ChestHair
Stump BeefKnob
Stump Chunkman
Thick McRunFast
Touch RustRod
Trunk SlamChest
Whip SlagCheek

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:29:55 AM EDT

[#44]

Quote History

Quoted:
10/10
Exceptional write up.

View Quote

Yep.
I thought it might not be worth my time. You had me at "russian passing kidney stones".

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:30:42 AM EDT

[#45]

Quote History

Quoted:
Nobody practices gym etiquette anymore. I go to a gym that's like 3/4 old people, so not a lot of brodudes, but I do have to deal with old farts stealing my equipment the split second I get up to get a drink of water (even when I leave m towel on it

). I'm always polite about it though and ask if they want to work in sets (they never do).

The things that really piss me off are: bros making fun of people, bros slamming weights/screaming, bros using dumbbells 3 inches away from the dumbbell rack.

View Quote

Gym etiquette... sounds more like just plain common sense failure to not be an asshole.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:35:39 AM EDT

[#46]

I love the gym. I've been going regularly for about 7 years. In all that time in multiple gyms I've never had anyone pull that shit. Must be my charming demeanor.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:37:53 AM EDT

[#47]

Hey man fuck that asshole punk! He's probably high on amphetamines and aderall, you did the right thing, fight only when there's no other choice.

Posted: 11/19/2014 12:38:03 AM EDT

[#48]

Quote History

Quoted:
I love the gym. I've been going regularly for about 7 years. In all that time in multiple gyms I've never had anyone pull that shit. Must be my charming demeanor.

View Quote

Or maybe you are one of them???