I found one of my tortoises dead in it's outdoor habitat.  This is the phone conversation that followed:

ME:  Mother Fucker (Tortoise's name) is dead.  
Wife:  Are you sure?  How do you know?

ME:  I have no idea how to check a pulse on a tortoise, but it's eyes are sunken in, and all it's extremities are limp, and he's not reacting to being picked up.
Wife:  He's probably just cold.  Put him under a heat lamp.

ME:  You want me to cook a dead turtle?  
Wife:  No, warm him up a little.  

ME:  He's fucking dead, I'm not warming him up.  
Wife:  JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!

So I set him under the heat lamp in a tank I keep them in when it gets cold outside, and leave him to warm up that's in our bedroom.  45 minutes later, my wife calls back:

Wife:  How is everything?  
ME:  I'm pretty freaked out.  You're making me sleep next to a dead turtle.

Wife:  He's not dead  
ME:  Well no, his memory will live on forever, but his corpse is rotting next to me.

She hangs up on me.

Next morning she gets home from work while I'm packaging the tortoise up in a paper grocery and shoe box.  My wife insists on seeing the body before I finish packaging it into it's shoe box coffin, so I hand it to her.

She takes out the body and starts shaking it,  

ME:  What the fuck are you doing?  Tortoise CPR?
Her:  No, I'm making sure it's really dead

ME:  Well, if it wasn't, it is now.  It's got Shaken Tortoise Syndrome.
Her:  You're not very sensitive.  You're a terrible pet owner.

ME:  The fucking things was worthless as a pet.  You can't pet it, it doesn't show you affection, or fetch your slippers.  It eats, poops, and screws.  It's an FSA asshole.
Her:  Well bury it in the back yard.

ME:  Are we having a funeral for it?  Do I need to send out Facebook invites?  Can you pick out some flowers for it.  
Her:  I'm going to bed.

ME:  I don't know if I can be alone right now.

Holy shit, it's a fucking tortoise, not one of my dogs.  Why the hell do I need to bury this thing in the back yard?  It's not like we're going to visit the grave, or leave a wreath on it on the anniversary of it's death.  

When my youngest Husky died last year, she was bitching that I had it cremated to be spread at a later date instead of having the vet dispose of the body, but she wants the Tortoise to be buried?!  

UPDATE:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMuJ4p_uPO0

Bitches, man.

Florida, amiright?

ok then

Bummer.  I've had my tortoise for 20 years.  He's pretty cool.

Well, I got nothing, but at least it's different from your normal threads. I'll give you that.

and sorry for your loss.

Shaken tortoise syndrome

lol

women...

Get a puppy

Finally one of your threads worth reading!

It is after the tortoise has been dead and under a heat lamp for a day.

Clay tortoise skeet!
Sorry for your loss.

Sad you lost your tortoise.

That's some funny shit.

A happy wife is a happy life. Bury the damn thing.

why would you put it in a shoe box? I always just leave them outside let the animals clean out the inside and keep the shell.

I'm not dead yet!

 

Definitely the most interesting thread of GD so far today


Sorry for your loss

Define cool......

This is your best thread yet OP . Sorry about the tortoise.

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Why couldn't you tell us his name?  

Not one mention of you washing your hands afterwards....

OPs gonna die of salmonella

You're a dick.  You're also 100% right, but you're still a dick.

That was his name.  My Tortoises are Destroyer, Mother Fucker, and Button.  Guess which one my wife named.

Generally room-temperature. Being unable to thermoregulate, y'know.

His name was Robert Paulson.

Friendly, doesn't tear stuff up, gets along with people and cats.



 

Mother Fucker was named appropriately I take it.

This post answers many questions and explains everything.

LOL, apologies.  

I read it more like this, for example:  "Awwwww, mother fucker; Droopy (the tortoise's name) is dead!"

What you did there, I thaw it!

Pics of mother fucker or wife?

Sorry for your loss.  I'd recommend trolling all of the Houston, Dallas, Austin, and San Antonio new stations' websites for stories related to what ever 1 out of 26 million texans did that day... then posting it on a gun forum in the hopes of dissuading people in the general discussion section of said gun forum from moving to Texas.  Please keep posts to no less than four of five new threads per day.

Wait, did this happen in Texas?

+1

What was that Motherfucker's name.....yo?!

yep me too, I thought the op was expressing himself in strong terms over the loss of his happy little tortoise.  

All of this ^, was my reaction.

I lost it pretty hard at "She takes out the body and starts shaking it".  I feel sorta bad.

Thanks for that - I really needed the laugh

Sorry for your loss...

Serious question; What behavior does a tortoise show when it doesn't get along with something or someone?

The girl at Petco named him.  When she was handling him at the cash register, he pissed all over her.  She said, "MOTHER FUCKER."  I knew right then what his name would be.

Make a sweet helmet out of it's shell.  Do something with the shell, at least.

I had a gay tortoise almost knock me over in Arizona.

This.   I have never laughed in a dead pet thread.

This gave me a good laugh.

Sorry for your loss OP, bury the damn thing and move on.