For me it was when the track of a 577 (remember them?) broke. The thing turned 90 degrees and rolled down a hill.

When the stunned private driving it was pulled out and laid down he looked up at the BnCO and in the mental fog he was in blurted out, "I'm not signed for it!"

The BnCO was fuming but everyone in earshot had their hands over their mouths to keep from busting up. Even the Sergeant major.

pvt got a counseling statement for telling the company cdr to fuck off.

pvt duly nonconcurred, writing "I didnt say fuck off, I said 'fuck you.'"

LOL!

At basic.  Dumbass had to go to the medics because he had two or three engorged ticks on his asshole for almost a week.


Drill sergeant yelled at him and asked why he didn't say something sooner.


"I thought they were dingle-berries drill sergeant!"

Had a shitbag joe that just could not get right.  Caught him sleeping on CQ and his reply was epic.  I'm not sleeping sgt, I'm Asian.  Like my honkey ass is so stupid I can't tell if the kid with slant eyes is sleeping or not.  

Scuffed him up extra for implying I'm racist and/or stupid.  Had him hold a rock over his head and told him if he was going to sleep on CQ, that was the only approved position.

Had a guy late to the ship. He finally shows up at the base main gate with rope hanging off his wrists loosely. He said he was kidnapped by Iranians but got away. In Japan. After a while he finally admitted he'd been at his girlfriends and overslept.

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I heard I don't know a lot , My former room mate got the threat from his platoon Sgt. of Skillcraft private Greer . it became a joke

Wasn't a private but a Buck Sergeant.

Sgt. got drunk off his ass, as was SOP for him. At morning formation the platoon Sgt. said drunk Sgt. would not get out of bed.

So the Exec. off. who was leaning in the doorway and former E-5, said "first sgt., I will go get him"

It was summer and the windows was open the entire company could hear what happened.

Lt.--Knocking on door.

Sgt.--- Fuck off, I am drunk and trying to sleep

Lt---get up and get in formation

Sgt.--Fuck off

Lt---This is Lt. Daly

Sgt.---Well, then fuck off SIR!!!!


Massive laughter, Sgt. shortly there after became Specialist.

I had a pvt. lose his M16 at Ft. Polk, claimed it was stolen.  We were 30 seconds away from going up the chain with the report when he thought better about what was about to happen.  He admitted to taking his weapon into the field latrine, big tent with wooden shitters built over a pit full of shit and sludge and with standing orders that no weapons go inside, and dropped his rifle into the shit sludge.
We lowered him by his feet into that crap to fish his rifle out.  Gave him a little extra dunk into it to get the point across.



 

standard private excuse.

" nobody told me"..... "nobody told me not to", or  " i was told to".



( ft campbell)......we once had a private ask the first sergeant if he could go get a cup of coffee...... he received permission.  guys gone 3 hours..... shows up with coffee from nashville.     didnt get into trouble.

later if you asked permission, you had to state the location you were heading to, and a return time.

Holy chain of command skipping.

We were doing Brigade force on force training.  5-6 days out of the week for a month.  We get to the 4th week, nearing the end of the training, when some fucking genius in another Troop leaves his M4 between the hatch and the side armor of the Bradley, and drives off.  While driving through a treeline the branches knock it off... weapon is reported missing almost 24 hours later.  He was the PL's driver and didn't even tell him, when green 2 reports had to go up for the night, he just said he had it.  Next day it's reported to the squadron TOC, then sent up to the Brigade TOC.  Lets just say we spent the next couple days having the entire brigade going hands across Fort Carson.  His excuse, "I thought I had it"

I had a SSG (E-6) use the excuse that he was "learning disabled."

While in Iraq I had this shitbird specialist this guy was a walking bag of ass and dumb as fuck to boot. I ran the clinic at the BIAP airfield, I had to rules:
1. no talking about religion
2. no politics

So here we are in the middle of the Hillary and Obama runoff for the democratic seat, one of the guys asks shitbird hey who do you want to win Hillary or Obama? he thinks real hard and says Hillary, that way when she becomes president there will be more girls to date. I was like WTF? what do you mean shitbird? You know if we have a female president women will have more girl babies!!! I was like Ummmmm ok?!?!?!?  One of the guys said what if Obama wins? He said that would be good to that way he can take all the Africans back to Africa! My African American female second in charge looked at him at said WTF did you just say your racist mofo!! I almost pissed myself from laughing, my OIC said shitbird you aren't allowed to think for yourself ever!

At least he was honest

I would assume a person with such a dazzling intellect is now in some elected office...



 

Too stupid to be dishonest.

After intentionally shooting himself in the leg with an M16 on the Wildflecken rifle range (watched it from the range tower) - he told the medics:



"They cancelled my leave to go home.  So now they HAVE to let me go home"

Our platoon fucked something up in basic and drill sgt  was grilling us.  

DS : "privates why do you do the things you do?"

It was quiet for a while and DS asked again.

Pvt weird morman guy stands up and says : "because were stupid drill sergeant"

DS : "you're god damn right you are"


After that it became our excuse for everything, but eventually the Drills didn't like that answer anymore.




In AFG guy says. I wish we could fight the war with m1 garands.

Had a PV2 miss PT formation, formation after lunch  also. He finally shows up with his girlfriend in tow. She had handcuffed him to the bed post sometime during the night and lost the key.
His wrists were a bloody mess where he apparently tried to wiggle free.
CO and 1st Sgt laughed their asses off. Can't remember his punishment.

Had a PFC miss movement to Saudi Arabia for Desert Shield because as he put it "I thought it was another bullshit  exercise"
He became a PV2 in record time I think.

I had an SFC that used to claim he only had a third grade education. He was one funny sombitch.

There were still a couple draftees left, mostly college grads that had deferments that had run out. They had chosen two years enlisted as opposed to putting in for OCS. This SFC would play retarded to one of them, a real sad sack.

"Well, I don't know nothin' all I gots me is a third grade education!" Generally that preceded an ass smoking.

Shortly after I got to the unit he said that to me. I was a green private.

"Musta been one hell of a third grade class to teach you spherical and trig," I said. "You can't fool me. You run the FDC section. That's all math and physics."

He laughed. "I seem to fool all the college kids," he said and laughed.

We got along fine after that.

One of our dimwits in Basic Training was from Waco, TX. He wasn't a bad guy but was a little slow to learn.

He pissed off one of our Drill Sergeants for something stupid so was getting the treatment....Drill Sgt. was screaming in his face, bouncing the rim of his Brown Round off the kids forehead, calling him every name in the book.

Drill Sergeant finally screams, "Private, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

We were only allowed to say three things to our Drill Sergeants......."Yes Drill Sergeant", "No Drill Sergeant", and "No excuse Drill Sergeant" but dimwit replies in a slow Texas drawl......

"I'm from Waco, m-a-an".

He paid the price, and I felt sorry for him, but it was hilarious. I think our Drill Sergeant burst a couple of blood vessels after that.

General inspection   we painted everything that wasn't moving,   base was on lock down,  no family visits... work work work......    General   and his 4 star  want to be's stop over to jaw jack       General was actuality walking around   and  asking  how we are doing..  and this privet says   "Sir  I'm tired"      I looked over at the corner of my eye to the first Shirt   and I thought he was going to blow a blood vessel .

Had a guy miss movement going to Iraq lucky for him we were stationed on the airfield we flew from, so I had to take him to his room and get his gear, guess what he lost his key WTF!!!!! I ended kicking in his door and smoking him everytime I saw him the whole tour.

Had a guy explain to our CO the reason why he was late to formation again...

his no shit-straight-faced response



"I was kidnapped by aliens and the only reason I got away was because they had to stop for gas at a 7/11."



 

In Marine Corps boot camp back in 1988, we were required to take our web belts into the shower with us every night and wash them with our nasty bodies.  One recruit didn't do this and the DI called him on having a bone dry web belt during the evening footlocker inspection.  The recruit replied that he did indeed take is belt into the shower that night, but that he had also "towel dried it to prevent mildew."  

He lost 3 hours of sleep that night attempting to recreate this amazing feat!

One of my guys missed morning formation and PT.  He shows up two hours later with the excuse that his wife went out partying the night before and she wanted scrambled eggs in the morning.

Had a general come in for barracks inspection in Germany.  Went through my soldiers rooms, every thing was GTG.  General enters one of my privates room.  It's perfect..........until, the star finds this huge kitchen/butcher knife.  I'm like...fuuuuccckkk.  General says, you know you are not supposed to have a knife longer than "so and so" in your barracks room.  Private responds,"Well sir, I have used it to spread peanut butter on my sandwiches."  General looks at him, looks at me, give the butcher knife back and leaves satisfied.  In fact, my soldier got a coin!

PVT fell out of a run ( short one at a slow pace, I was doing pt).. when asked why he fell out he replied
" my legs are still sore from running from the cops last night, I got in about 5am and had to get ready for pt so I already ran about 16 miles this morning."

seems the Cops where still looking for him since there was a report of a solider resisting arrest and assaulting an officer, they where looking for him while he was at PT.

dumb... but honest.

( he did turn hisself in to the MP's)

Wildflecken DOES that stuff to you.

I had a First Sergeant that had a saying: Oh, I didn't Know, Nobody told me. And then explain that such a phrase was no excuse for fouling up in your duties.

West Germany, 1980's myself and another Cpl, are doing "Hip Pocket" training in the dayroom while we are waiting to get our shot records updated.  My buddy, Cpl Wilkenson ask PFC Arrington to read a chapter on cold weather injuries from the CTT manual.  PFC Arrington, stumbles his way thru it, fucking up every other word.  Wilkenson remarks, "Arrington, you are one illiterate son of a bitch."  Arringtons response, "No I'm not, my mommy and daddy is married!"

Had a Senior Airman show up in the shop late one morning. He had been having car issues, so his wife had been his transportation to and from work for a few days. My shop chief asked him why he came into the shop late even though his wife's car pulled up ten minutes before roll call...

Straight faced, SrA Elliot said his wife asked if he wanted a quick BJ...

No disciplinary action was taken.

Oh dear Jesus...Ima' gonna get clobbered for this but anyway.


I got handed a squad of knuckleheads. The platoon drunks, fighters, Jokers, and severely dissapointed former Potheads.
Damn good Marines as long as you kept thier Pin bent, and thier minds focused, or fuckfuck would ensue.
I had finally gotten rid of the two real problems through rotation and a Court Martial, and things were just settling in and running smoothly for a change.

Our still newish PC(Member here.) called for a pre-inspection on the Barracks Catwalk, before a C.O.'s inspection later in the morning, prior to turning us loose on a libo weekend.
Everybody was all lined up in squads in file, at a loose parade rest, and I'm missing a guy that is still in the damn armory below with 3 Min. left...so I run down and get his ass back up on the Catwalk.

I get to the top of the stairwell, just in time to see PFC. Weathers, slip a giant assed Condom on the muzzle of the rifle to his left, that belongs to Lcpl. Coker, and our intrepid Plt.Sgt flanked by the PC is approaching the catwalk from the other end.....No time to do a fucking thing, but fall in and hope the dipshits sort it out when nobody is looking.

PC and Plt.Sgt gets in front of Coker, he does his snappy and flawless inspection arms routine, with the big assed purple rubber still over the muzzle and flopping around.

Lt. smacks the rifle outta Cokers hands, and does a multi-point inspection, pulls the condom, looks down the bore, hands the rifle back without missing a beat or batting an eye.
Plt. Sgt. was turning various shades of red to a dark purple, but not a single snicker was heard. Coker did his bolt release/click/pop and came back to attention like nothing is out of the ordinary.

Lt- "Lance Corporal Coker, the rifle looks good, you need to square away that left pocket with the Iron."

Coker -"Sir, yes sir!"

Lt- Holding the purple condom out and straight faced.."Lance corporal Coker, do you mind telling me what the Condom is for?"

Coker- Straight faced, but obviously squirming, and turning a bit whiter than normal.- "Ummm..in case of accidental discharge sir?".

Lt- Trying not to laugh his ass off and lose his bearing- "Very well." And steps off to the next Marine, who is about to pass out from holding his breath trying not to laugh.

Not a word was said until after securing for libo, when I got hauled onto the carpet to do the rug dance. Our PLt. Sgt. chewed my ass proper, and finished with. "Goddamnit I want to retire with four Rockers some day, and if ya need to kill one of those assholes hurry the fuck up!" Then busted out laughing.
One of the best Staff NCO's I ever had the luck to serve with.

Oh, those assholes paid for that shit..Gas masks, E-tools, and many a fucking fighting hole was dug in coral for that shit.
Goddamn was it funny though.