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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:39:43 PM EDT
SOCHI, RUSSIA—In a race against time, local emergency crews reportedly rushed to rescue Italian figure skater Carolina Kostner Wednesday after the Olympian plunged through a hazardous thin patch of ice during her short program at the Iceberg Skating Palace.
“Unfortunately she skated way out into the middle of the rink where the ice was weak and it collapsed instantly when she landed her triple axel,” said rescue worker Ignativ Barkov, adding that Kostner ignored the sounds of cracking ice while performing an otherwise flawless step sequence and combination spin. “We have to act fast or she’ll succumb to hypothermia. Granted, a world-class athlete like Kostner can withstand the initial shock for a few minutes, but her thin, sparkly leotard will do little to protect her from the deep and frigid water below the ice.” At press time, crews were attempting another dive after initial efforts had only managed to recover a sequined headband and several loose rhinestones." http://www.theonion.com/articles/emergency-crews-attempt-to-rescue-olympic-figure-s,35313/ So sad. 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:40:36 PM EDT
[#1]
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:40:41 PM EDT
[#2]
WTF?
They built the damn arena on a lake? Fuck. Never mind. The Onion. 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:41:11 PM EDT
[#3]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? The onion. 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:41:13 PM EDT
[#4]
LOL!!! That is a GREAT photoshop!!!
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:41:31 PM EDT
[#5]
The onion is the best news online
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:41:32 PM EDT
[#6]
lol!
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:42:12 PM EDT
[#7]
Lol.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:42:25 PM EDT
[#8]
What sound did it make when she fell?
Was it a "smack," or more of a "wop?"
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:42:31 PM EDT
[#9]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
The onion. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? The onion. Yeah, saw it a little too late. I can usually spot an onion article from a mile away but I have seen some of the shitty Russian construction and did not put it past them. 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:43:19 PM EDT
[#10]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Yeah, saw it a little too late. I can usually spot an onion article from a mile away but I have seen some of the shitty Russian construction and did not put it past them. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? The onion. Yeah, saw it a little too late. I can usually spot an onion article from a mile away but I have seen some of the shitty Russian construction and did not put it past them. I did a double take to, until I saw the web address.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:44:12 PM EDT
[#11]
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:45:52 PM EDT
[#12]
Still no Nancy Kerrigan "WHYYYYYY?"
ARFCOM is slipping. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:46:03 PM EDT
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted: WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake?  |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:46:11 PM EDT
[#14]
From the title, I thought someone's inner thigh got torn open until I clicked on the thread and saw the pic.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:47:07 PM EDT
[#15]
lol FU OP. Fell for it
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:47:57 PM EDT
[#16]
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:48:32 PM EDT
[#17]
 |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:49:37 PM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Still no Nancy Kerrigan "WHYYYYYY?" ARFCOM is slipping. Okay. 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:50:55 PM EDT
[#19]
Never mind . . .
dp |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:55:13 PM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
What sound did it make when she fell? Was it a "smack," or more of a "wop?" Ok, that was funny. Racist, but funny. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:56:42 PM EDT
[#21]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
What sound did it make when she fell? Was it a "smack," or more of a "wop?" Edited because I am an ass, and can't recognize the sarcasm. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:58:39 PM EDT
[#22]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Yeah, saw it a little too late. I can usually spot an onion article from a mile away but I have seen some of the shitty Russian construction and did not put it past them. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? The onion. Yeah, saw it a little too late. I can usually spot an onion article from a mile away but I have seen some of the shitty Russian construction and did not put it past them. This, I was not surprised in fact I can't believe its been as smooth as its been (relatively speaking). Funny though. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 4:59:11 PM EDT
[#23]
That brought tears to my eyes.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:00:18 PM EDT
[#24]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Ok, that was funny. Racist, but funny. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: What sound did it make when she fell? Was it a "smack," or more of a "wop?" Ok, that was funny. Racist, but funny. I don't know what you're talking about, sir.  |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:02:18 PM EDT
[#25]
R.I.P.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:02:31 PM EDT
[#26]
the artic cold weather coats didnt tip anyone off or the piss poor photoshop of the guy in the center
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:03:43 PM EDT
[#27]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
the artic cold weather coats didnt tip anyone off or the piss poor photoshop of the guy in the center I am on a phone. 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:04:59 PM EDT
[#28]
Recovering the rinestones was over the top... |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:05:07 PM EDT
[#29]
The search continues.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:14:10 PM EDT
[#30]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: What sound did it make when she fell? Was it a "smack," or more of a "wop?" Ok, that was funny. Racist, but funny. I don't know what you're talking about, sir. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:17:31 PM EDT
[#31]
Quote HistoryQuote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Still no Nancy Kerrigan "WHYYYYYY?" ARFCOM is slipping. Okay. http://www.dippedincream.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/nancy+kerrigan+whyyyy.jpg 
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:18:57 PM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I don't know what you're talking about, sir. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: What sound did it make when she fell? Was it a "smack," or more of a "wop?" Ok, that was funny. Racist, but funny. I don't know what you're talking about, sir. I admit nothing! |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:19:31 PM EDT
[#33]
Fake as hell from the moment I saw the pic!
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:19:55 PM EDT
[#34]
Suckers.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:21:34 PM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryShe got big gums |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:46:46 PM EDT
[#36]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? Fuck. Never mind. The Onion. 
That's funnier than the article! |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:50:08 PM EDT
[#37]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
That's funnier than article! Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? Fuck. Never mind. The Onion.
That's funnier than article! |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:59:10 PM EDT
[#38]
I thought the gag was gonna end with:
"Shes ok tho, the water was a balmy 80degF" but no. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:59:26 PM EDT
[#39]
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Posted: 2/19/2014 5:59:33 PM EDT
[#40]
I fuckin hate the Onion.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 6:01:52 PM EDT
[#41]
For being an onion story it is one of their most believable stories sense Georgia separating from the union and adding the middle finger and swastika to their flag
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Posted: 2/19/2014 6:02:59 PM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I fuckin hate the Onion. That's because you are bitter and have no sense of humor. |
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Posted: 2/19/2014 6:04:09 PM EDT
[#43]
Lol
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Posted: 2/19/2014 6:04:21 PM EDT
[#44]
They were figure skating in the corvette museum?
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Posted: 2/19/2014 7:46:59 PM EDT
[#45]
crappy pic is a giveaway,the onion was a neon sign
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Posted: 2/19/2014 7:50:07 PM EDT
[#46]
Pfft. Kostner would never even attempt a triple axel.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 7:51:41 PM EDT
[#47]
I know the Onion is supposed to be a sort of gag news site, and that it's fake, but even so that's still pretty tasteless.
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Posted: 2/19/2014 7:56:37 PM EDT
[#48]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
WTF? They built the damn arena on a lake? Fuck. Never mind. The Onion. Damn dude. Falling for that one is really awful. |
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