1,131 of 1,268 people found the following review helpful


1.0 out of 5 stars Rapture me, please lord. October 5, 2013


By Craig L


As I type this review, I'm on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I'm not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I'm getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?


What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can't be all my s***. There's no way. That's not my s***. That's s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I've eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I'm worried the war veteran below me thinks he's storming Normandy again.


Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I'd know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!


My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!





First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.





BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.





Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.





But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.





AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.





I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.





I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.





Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.





Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.





If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

Quoted:
HORSE HEAD MASK FTMFW BITCHES!!!!

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Link dammit   , I just ordered 10 flashlights...  

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You have to read the Q&A section for the Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears posted above.  The reviews and the questions made me fall of the chair

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You have to read the Q&A section for the Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears posted above.  The reviews and the questions made me fall of the chair

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The mix I listed is way cheaper by the ounce, and one fuck of a lot easier to store and dispense.

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Babnana slicer

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FordEx Group 300lm Mini Cree Led Flashlight Torch Adjustable Focus Zoom Light Lamp

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$3.70

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FordEx Group 300lm Mini Cree Led Flashlight Torch Adjustable Focus Zoom Light Lamp

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$3.70

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http://www.amazon.com/Bug-A-Salt-Fire-Your-Swatter-Original/dp/B00AB88UDA/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

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Many a small bugs obliterated with this. It is a necessity when hot tubbing in the warmer months.