Thank you for sending prayers. Heard from him this evening. Relieved that he’s alive but I know he’s struggling.

He’s on week two of six of TMS treatment.

Glad you heard from him.  Keep praying.  You sound like a very good friend to this vet.  He's still in my prayers too.

I hope you can still stay in contact with your friend.  And I hope this treatment works for him.  I've dealt with Major Depression myself since around 1987 or so.  Around 2008 I had 30 ECTs.  It wasn't until I had over 20 of them that I started to notice things changing for the better.  What helped me the most after the ECTs was that I found that I wasn't stuck dwelling on negative, sad, and suicidal thoughts.  After the ECTs if a suicidal thought or negative/sad thought came up, I could let go of it and think about something else and not dwell on it.  The suffering was reduced tremendously.  It gave me 10 good years without the worst of the suffering and mental anguish.  In the last few years, it started coming back slowly.  The type of treatment your friend is getting was recommended to me.  I just haven't followed up on it and researched it yet so I don't know much about it.   I do know that your friend has probably been through a lot of suffering over the years if this treatment is being recommended to him.   Keep praying for him.  His situation and yours has kind of stuck with me and I've still been praying for you both off and on throughout the days.  And I know it's a handful for family and friends to deal with this.  I hope this TMS works as well or better as the ECTs for him. If it doesn't at least let him know there is another option, although the ECTs will tremendously reduce the mental suffering there are drawbacks.  But maybe knowing there is at least one more shot can give him some hope to hang on to.

Thank you for sharing and for your continued prayers.

I got a text from him yesterday saying he was thinking he was going back home. Haven’t heard from him yet today.

Hard to get him to say much.

From what I gather, this treatment is pretty rough, at least for my friend. When I spoke to him last week, he had told me that before they do the treatment each day, they always ask on a scale of 1-10 what level your depression is at, with 1 being the worst, 10 best. He told them last Friday he was at a 2. Apparently it gets worse before it gets better. At least that’s what the nurse told him.

It’s five days a week for six weeks. Three minute sessions. Doesn’t sound bad, but he told me it feels like an eternity. Painful and uncomfortable. He bit his tongue so hard it bled one day. I told him to get a mouth guard. He’s at the halfway point now at least. Just hoping and praying he can keep it together and that it ends up paying off.

I hope all is going well with your friend and he has stayed in contact with you.  When I got the most down, I pulled away from all my friends and co-workers and tried to pull away from my wife.  She wouldn't have it though and became the one person that was there.

I'm really hoping he reaches that point with his TMS treatments where he actually starts feeling better.  He's got to stick with it and should be encouraged to stick with it.  I'd been fighting with depression for many years and just never got much relief from meds.  Initially, I had hopes that the ECTs would help me, but after 15 or so I started feeling that it was just like the meds and wouldn't change anything, and I felt like giving up.   Somewhere after 20 treatments though I started feeling better.   He's got to be encouraged to stick with the TMS.

Anyway, you all are still in my prayers and I'm hoping there's going to be improvement.

I’m still praying for him and his family. Thank you for continuing to pray and think of him.

He actually came by my house earlier this week. We spent a few hours together. Can’t express how happy I was to see him and how good it was to hang out.

Got him to open up a little bit. He’s overwhelmed with this treatment, working his job and running his side business, taking care of his family and dealing with other medical issues. He’s embarrassed with his struggles and is in his own head.

He seemed better but he’s struggling with his relationship with his wife and confessed to losing his faith.

I’ve been talking with him and his wife to trust in God and to rekindle the love that they have for each other. They both are failing to communicate and it’s killing their relationship.

While he was with me, he got a call from his wife and I told him to answer it. He went out of earshot and came back looking defeated. He asked if he could stay the night and I let him stay in my spare bedroom. He left to go to his treatment first thing the next morning.

He told me he wanted to try to be with his family for Thanksgiving. I haven’t heard back from him today yet so I’m hoping it’s because he’s busy with work and being with his family.

After this week he should be at the halfway mark with the treatments.

I remember coming to this thread when I first joined ARFCOM. Now I come here again...

I'm still struggling with addiction and haven't made good progress towards recovery. Feeling depressed at times, and lacking the masculine 'charge' to just go right ahead and face my problems. The internet and addiction have become normalized forms of cowardice for me to 'take to the bottle' instead of being an outright alcoholic.

Fellow brethren who are struggling with addiction, you're not alone in this here...

Well fuck. Here I thought I would have an answer to this today and it’s pushed out another 4 months.

Feels like I’m looking down the barrel of a loaded gun waiting to see if someone pulls the trigger

Fuck

I guess I’ll just say it. I might be going blind.

Remember that there are many people here that care and hope for the best for you.

What's the back story here? Is there anything we can do to help?

I had an eye stoke shortly after the clot shot...it resolved which with no treatment which the specialist tells me that is nothing short of a miracle. He released me from his care and a year later they found cystoid macular edema in the same eye...occurring in my central vision. It hasn't affected my vision yet. My appointment today was to follow up and see if its gone away. Unfortunately it's still there...hasn't gotten worse which I am thankful for but still don't know which way it will go. I am at high risk for retinal detachment/sudden blindness. So i guess the glass half full mentality i should be thankful for that it hasn't gotten worse...I can't think of anything anyone can do to help other than just listen to me vent...it's pretty depressing to me I might be losing my vision.

thank you

Is it just one eye you're talking about or both?   I hope it's not both but even one is bad.  Still, there's lots you can do if it is just one eye.  Both eyes would be one of my worst nightmares.  I just remembered a guy where I worked that was blind in both eyes. I talked with him a lot and believe it or not he worked in our IT department.  I believe he was blind from birth.  I can't remember how he used a PC but he did with some kind of special equipment.  And he did fix stuff for us.  At the time, my wife was the branch secretary in his office.  

When I was a kid, one of the kids I hung out with was fishing with some of the other kids.  I wasn't there that time.  He somehow got a fishing hook caught in one eye and ended up losing the eye.

These things suck bad, but it is possible to perservere and continue on.  

The main thing, I guess at this point, is to not get too wound up about what might happen.  Especially since it didn't get worse so far.  That's a positive.  I know I've wasted so much of my life worrying about what might or may happen.  Put myself through a lot of distress over the years.  And I still have a problem with it to this day.  I hope you can control that better than me.  

Vent away though. Like's been said, people here do care.

I came here tonight to vent some myself, but guess I'll hold off a bit.  Just getting my thoughts off my problems for a bit helped me.  So....I thank you!  

Just one eye so far is in extreme peril…I need my eyes for my job and a lot of states you lose your drivers license for 6 months if you go blind in one eye to let your other eye adjust. Not sure i would be able to safely and accurately complete my job with only one eye

My best buddy lost an eye due to some type of degenerative disease.  The next year he shot a monster buck.  Can't use a scope very well but is good with the iron sights.  Just keep moving forward.  Nothing is the end unless you let it.  Easy for me to say from my sofa for sure but I believe it.  Good luck.

Have you had a 2nd opinion on the eye?  Sounds like you have good Docs looking at it now, but for something this important, I wonder if just having another pro look at it would be worthwhile.   I don't know, I'm just wondering.  Someone with more experience might know if that's worthwhile.  

Be concerned, but don't worry, if that makes sense.   In other words, keep an eye on it (the good eye).   I hope my humor wasn't taken wrong.  Humor has helped me get through tough times sometimes.

I'm thankful we all have a place to come vent and find folks who do care with the ARFCOM site.  Keep everyone informed if something changes or just to keep venting when needed.

@LedDuck  Just checking in to see how things are going.  

He can't lose faith. He's got to keep that going.  You have to trust in God as you said.   I feel bad about him and his wife.   My wife passed away on July 16th.  We'd been having problems for a while.  And it's killing me now that things didn't completely get fixed between us before she passed away.  Whatever problems we had, I'd take her back right now just like she was, with no changes.  Even just long enough to tell her what she meant to me and my life.  I wish they could each imagine losing the other and what it would be like. And then from their heart tell each other what the other means to them.  I'm still praying for all involved.  Every once in a while, everyone needs to tell their spouse what they really mean to them from their heart.

Thanks for checking in, @Ninjaman. So sorry to hear about your wife's passing. I can only imagine how tough things are without her. You will be in my prayers as well.

He's doing better-ish and I believe he's back home. We've been sparsely communicating and he's told me he's doing better. I just hope that he stays strong and can see his way back to God and love. He's got two beautiful kids but I had to remind him that he and his wife are the priority. They are both struggling.

I gave some advice to his wife about just giving love and trusting in God and she stopped talking to me, probably took it as me taking "his" side. I should probably check in with her to see how she's doing. I feel so bad for both of them as well. On the plus side, his treatment should be ending soon.

Well suppose it's time I check in. I haven't checked in for a bit.
I was doing well, really well. I won a my first bodybuilding show and this chick was head over heels for me. Writing me notes, telling me how proud she was of me. She even brought me over for Thanksgiving and she was just glowing the entire time. She couldn't keep her hands off of me. It was honestly the first Thanksgiving I ever really enjoyed.
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Tonight she told me there's just no chemistry and she ended it. She was just so hot to cold that I'm only lead to believe she was keeping something from me. I'm not angry, we're both adults and it's her decision. But damn am I lonely again. Just sucks when she was so proud of me, showing me off to her friends and family and I remember that glow she had the entire time. Baking things for me. She would radiate feminine energy and would often remark about how she never felt more feminine than she did when she was with me. Something happened, I'm not sure what and I doubt I'll ever know. Maybe something I said, or maybe something external beyond my control. There was no fight there was no side of me she didn't see. Even during the talk she kept saying how she wanted me to give me my Xmas present. I finally told her fine and it was a hand knitted blanket. I told her to keep it. I jokingly said I sweat too much so it wouldn't see much use but I think we both knew it was because she took the time to hand knit it and I just didn't want it.
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I'm frustrated by the state of the world too. I've been wanting a dog forever since mine passed a few years back. I saw a person walking a puppy today and I think I had to come to terms with I'll never have that. Either A: you work 80+ hours a week to make ends meet and then have no time or energy to spend with the dog. So that's not far to the pup. Or B: you work less then you can't afford the pup.
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I'm lonely man, no girl, no dog.
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It makes me feel a bit better though writing this out. Sort of getting it out and getting my mind back where it needs to be. My phone broke (known battery issue) when I was with my GF and thankfully it was under warranty. I told my GF at the time, "see that? even when my luck is bad, good luck comes my way". And that's sort the verbalization that I've known for many years. Is like "How do I know what's best for me?" "How foolish could I be that I think I know everything and I think I know what's best?.....Maybe this bad luck event was the best thing that ever happened to me? How do I know?"
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So idk, just gotta keep the head up. Even when my luck is bad, my luck is good. Good things come my way, and I'm a magnet to success in life.

Ed,

Thank you, I’m going through a divorce, worst is she’s taking my dog. Got drunk, I was overseas contracting last Christmas, I got in the bottle, felt sorry for myself. You are a gift, thank you.

@Dolor

I hope things are going well. Just remember your own words.  

Good luck brother.  There's lots of dudes around here who care.

Very sorry to hear that, man. You make a very good final point and I'd like to expand on it..

2 years ago almost lost my dad. He was 70, caught delta, went downhill fast. He lives with us and the hospital is right down the road but due to the stupid COVID restrictions they wouldn't let me see him even though they were about to put him on the ventilator and the Dr said he had maybe a 10% chance to live so we were able to text. He and I have traveled and worked together for the last 20 years. We were always close but very similar so we'd get into work type arguments here and there. Basic stuff we all do. But we never really vocalized it. Man in that text I sent him a pic of us playing when I was a kid and poured my heart out telling him how much I appreciated him and loved him. Distilling a lifetime of depth into a final goodbye rarely works out like the movies but I couldn't have said what I wanted any better.

It was a long road to recovery but he was one of the few in his shape that almost fully recovered. If he would have passed and I never got to tell him that would have hurt deeply.

Lots here I'm sure have different reasons for not doing it but if you have someone out there you haven't talked to in a long time, or even a long weekend, pick up the phone and give it a try. Surprisingly a lot of times the other person wants to but is scared to as well

@BlackHoleSon I'm so glad you were able to share that with your dad.  Especially glad he made it, and now he knows for sure how you feel.  This part of his life now must be filled with extra joy. I imagine your's too regarding this.
 
I have a missing sister out there somewhere.  I need to find her now and make things right.

Give it a shot finding her man. The worst thing that can happen is you have no less relationship than you do now. Best case you forge a new one. If nothing else you have peace of mind and closure that you sincerely made an effort.

RIP, Jim.  It's not me but a friend who is also named Jim.  Both Christian brothers.  I wish I could say it was a shock but it wasn't.  Get healthy before it's too late.

Sorry for your loss.  RIP Jim.  This is an incredibly difficult subject.  Jim may or may not have realized it but there are people who care. I hope everyone reading this thread understands this .

I have to put another notch in my belt. The last time I lost weight this fast was from pseudo cancer. I was misdiagnosed with colon cancer six years back but really have ulcerative colitis. Anyways, I'm losing weight because I can't or won't eat. My crazy girlfriend of over 12 years just dumped me again. I'm in a dark place.

It's too long of a story to type out.

Short version: A few weeks back I made a thread asking if people would take a pay cut to switch from working nights to days. The overwhelming response was of course. I manned up and took the plunge. After three weeks in my new job, which is still working for the state, I got a nice promotion. I applied on a whim on my first day at the new job thinking I will not get it. I just found out two days ago I got the promotion. The very first thing I did after finding out was to text my girlfriend with the good news.

She replied "that is good". Two minutes later another text comes through. This was the text saying that she could not be with me anymore. That she is breaking off all contact. 12 years. We were together through a lot. My excitement of getting a promotion to the best job of my life lasted 10 fucking minutes. I went from feeling pride in myself to wanting to crawl in a hole and die in the time it took to read one Dear John text.

I make that mistake more than I’d care to admit. I reach out to be friendly and then get smacked with why we haven’t talked. Shes your ex for a reason your here for better things and by the sounds of it your already showing that.

Dang. Fuck that. I know it’s easier said than done, but move on and don’t look back. You’re very fortunate to be on a new trajectory without her. Pretend it was a dude that gave you a “fuck you” of that caliber. All sorts of roads just opened up for you. Seize the opportunity to go forward without the crazy in your life.  If she’s been in your life for 12 years, she’s been fucking with your head for 12 years. Lock that door behind you and go find yourself.

Sounds like someone you don't need in your life.   Stay positive and move on.

I know I'm new here and I don't like putting my shit on anyone else and you probably dont give a fuck about me but I'm 15 bourbon shots in and don't give a fuck. I try my hardest to put on a happy face for people so they don't try and ask me what's wrong but at this point I'm getting closer and closer to just saying fuck this, I'm done, I'm checking out. The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter. I'd do anything for her. I want to end it all, but I see that smile on her face, so I get my ass up and go to work for 80 hours a week so I can just keep her fed but God damnit it's getting so fucking hard. It feels like everything I do just doesn't work out and it's not even worth trying anymore. I'm just so fucking fed up at this point l. I don't care anymore. N9ne 9f these psychiatrist and psychologists and their fucking poison pills that they say will make me happy never fucking work. I just want it to be over. I want it to be done. Idk how much longer I can keep this up.

There are a lot of people here who care about you and the situation you're in.  Many of us are going through the same or similar things or have been through it.  You know you've got to hang on for right now for your daughter.  You've got to.  And you know this.  Step away from the bourbon right now.  That won't help but will only make things worse.  

Getting stuff off your chest will help.  And some others will chime in pretty soon to be there for you.  I've seen people on this site come together to help each other out.  So they do really care.

The biggest thing right now is to just decide you're going to wait this out a while longer for help to arrive.  Please though, no more bourbon for a while.  And maybe try to get a little rest if you can.

I went through decades of trying different meds.  With the pills, sometimes I'd get a little relief, but never anything that lasted.  Seems like over the years, I'd be on every new pill that came out.  But only got temporary relief.  There are things available that can come later if the pills just really aren't cutting it. For now, just know that there are other things available.  

Blow some steam off here when you need to.  It will help.

Listen to this man^^^

Lay off the booze.  It will take time but I believe you will find a path forward that works for you.

Sorry to vent guys I’m just getting burned the fuck out.

I feel that. Also intoxicated right now despite people telling me to put it down. It's just too much to handle right now so I'm gonna stay fucked up as long as I can....also I want to get rid of this Wolcott bourbon, not my favorite and it's taking up room on the shelf.

Hope shit gets better for us eventually. I hate feeling so God damned helpless like this.

Starting to think it's time for meds. Maybe make an appointment with someone, thinking about that Genesight testing as well.

Check into government and or social services to help you with the “working 80 hours a week” to feed your kid thing.

I would bet there’s something, program wise, that could help give you some relief.

There’s no shame in a man asking for help when he is doing all he can and really needs it.

Reading through this thread is tough.  I admire all of you who have been able to open up.  I feel for all of you who are going through these struggles right now.  There is no sure, clear-cut answer to anything, but time does at least dull the pain.  We have to do what we can to still be here tomorrow.  We all have value.

I struggle with a suicidal ideation.  Three men in my family have committed suicide.  It's like a curse.  Some days the pull is real strong.  But I try to remember, there are people who care and people who depend on me.  

If there's anything someone reading through this thread should take away, it's this: you don't know what a person is going through from the outside.  Depression, anxiety, insecurity, etc., etc., it is all around us.

Well said, sir. I was reading through a number of these posts and said a prayer for everyone who posted in this thread.
All I can say brothers (or sisters) is, try to wait your situation out and keep a focus on the positives in your life (no matter how few) and know that you will absolutely get through this.
That's easy for me to say at the moment, however, I think that whenever I've had pain and obstacles over the many decades on this planet, I keep my focus on getting through the bad times, that things will - and do - get better.
Remember, depressing thoughts are just that  - thoughts. NO more, no less. These thoughts aren't you. They are only thoughts. And thoughts evaporate, change hourly, daily.
Asking the Most High's strength and blessings upon each one of you.

I would like to add that it is worth it, that effort, that continual pressure to keep trying.  Not everything works for every body, which makes finding what will make a difference difficult (especially for some) but it is worth it.  Once you find what works, you'll be so thankful that you kept trying.

Hang in there brothers (and sisters!)

I just miss my dog

Struggling with a lot of things lately and just needed to vent again.

Woman I've been seeing for a little over two years now just broke it off tonight. Told me she was ending it and asked me to leave.

Basically told me she felt that I hadn't made our future together a priority. Which is partially true but also nonsense. I just spoke to her about proposing and marriage a few weeks ago. She feels I should have made that happen already and the most recent talk was too little too late.

Maybe it's for the better, part of me feels she derailed things on purpose. She was widowed like myself and expressed a lot of hesitancy for marriage.

It doesn't make sense, I was thinking she was one of the few women out there that was emotionally stable. Maybe I was wrong all along.

Very sorry to hear that. It's tough when such things happen after we think we've met somebody who is emotionally stable. I've been married for decades and only by God's grace and my dumb luck have i been free of such situations. I'll pray for you and hope tomorrow starts a better time for you.

@EastWest
I appreciate that

Kinda crazy, she told me constantly how much she loved me. She just ended it very coldly. As I was leaving she was crying some. I honestly think she's scared of marriage but flipped it and said it was my hesitation that was to blame.

Perhaps I dodged a bullet, I don't know. And now I'm almost scared she'll want to get back together because, how can I trust her to not flake out again ?

That's very, very tough. It's painful not being able to figure out with an open discussion the real source of the issue. I've been through that prior to meeting my wife. Your point about wondering how you could trust her not to flake again was exactly what I experienced with two relationships before I married. And stupidly I'd always go back until I got my thinking straight, in both cases it took distance.

The couple relationships I had before I met my wife, one was in high school until I went to college out of state at 20. And one very painful one that started when I was a junior in college and was on and off until a year after I graduated and was long distance. Both women NEVER got married after that. They had problematic family background situations. It may not be fair but after those up until I met my wife at 28, I always had my eyes open for family situations of women I liked.

If God forbid my wife of 40 years passed away I'd like to think that I'd stay free from dating however the heart goes where it will.

Didn't think I'd be here doing this but here we go .

im in a major depression moment.  I don't normally get depressed easily but I am not able to shake this, this time. So the background is my ex and I had two sons together before we divorced. One was 7 the other 6 at the divorce.  I fought extremely hard for as much custody as possible. I ended up with 51% and the house.  I got married again to a great woman who couldn't have kids and she jumped right in as a great mom to the boys. Their birth mom is a pos who would rather not be a mom but she does provide some for them.  Step mom and I have been together about 8 years and have had ups and downs as normal.  Moving forward my sons are now 16 and 14. This jan and feb has been horrible.  First my wife and got very bad colds early Jan. We got over them but at the end a good friend died and we dealt with that. A few days later I had to take my wife to the er with chest pain and a slow heart rate.  Nothing found there but her health is not good.  A day later my 16 year old son decides on a whim that he will be living with his mother the pos from now on.  We have been there for him through everything and recently took a big trip over Christmas.  My wife and I have been devastated, the 14 year old is over crying because he misses his brother and I have a fear that he will just ditch us too to be with his brother.  I really can't take this and I seriously thought about finishing myself off last night.  In 2021 I had a severe heart issue and my ejection fraction was 10%.  I go everyday wondering if it's my last. I lost my job over that and have been driving Uber to pay bills which I am very behind on.  With fears of losing our house and fears of losing everyone I am at my end.  Thanks for reading.

Hey man, you have a lot to live for. You have two young kids that you can be a part of for decades (even if it’s rough right now). Your wife needs you too, be her rock. Stay focused and remember about all the people around you and how that will affect them. I know it’s not easy but I’m hoping to help you see past this moment. Your situation is definitely rough and sounds like it’s been that way for a bit but you to need to push through. I know you can do this, chin up, go outside and get some good air in you. Feel free to @ me or pm if you need to talk.

@skierbri10

What part of the state are you in homie?