Off the Wall Statements You Like to Use at Work

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Off the Wall Statements You Like to Use at Work (Page 1 of 3)

Posted: 5/12/2011 5:24:54 PM EDT

Today, I got to use one of my favorites, although it doesn't come up often.
To a statement of "I was just following orders." I responded "Well how did that work out for Nazi concentration camp guards?" Got a chuckle (perhaps inappropriate) from some of the room.
Backstory - plant has new security badge system. Decision is made at some level to issue new employee badges to everyone, at cost of approximately $3k. Old badges would still work with new system, just need minor programming time - ie transfer a file of proximity tag id's into new system. I found out through the backdoor when a question arose about the new badges.
Fixed the problem - we will use the old badges until they fail, replace them as we go. Immediate savings of $3K! Plus opportunity to ask a good question.

Posted: 5/12/2011 5:28:18 PM EDT

[#1]

If I didn't hate the CSB thing so much, I'd post it right now.

Posted: 5/12/2011 5:46:49 PM EDT

[#2]

Quoted:

If I didn't hate the CSB thing so much, I'd post it right now.

Well you did

Posted: 5/12/2011 5:47:08 PM EDT

[#3]

When my team is on nights it never fails that I will say this.....

My favorite was one time a Texas guy was talking about none other than...yup Texas...Well he goes on and on about what they do for fun in Texas and how cool it was. I pop up and say, "Let me guess, you guys loved playing turn off the lights and guess whose in your mouth!!!!"

The entire office errupts in laughter...it was one of my favorite lines...

W
hen people talk about their plans after work there is no shortage of comments like, "you goin to the bar? Only way you're pickin anything up is if the Ether Bunny stops by." And all kinds of sick shit like that....

Posted: 5/12/2011 6:21:10 PM EDT

[#4]

When a coworker says, "I want ....(whatever)..." I reply, "Well, people in hell want ice water."

If people aren't paying attention, I'll make it interesting with, "So, I was balls deep in this guys asshole last night..." That usually gets people out of their stupor.

If someone makes a comment about homosexuality, I say, "Don't knock it 'til you've been in prison..."

Posted: 5/12/2011 7:07:53 PM EDT

[#5]

Maybe not what the OP intended, but this is something I've heard:

"Do you pack a lunch or walk to work?"

Usually elicits a

Which is weird since it's an easily answered question...

Posted: 5/12/2011 7:50:37 PM EDT

[#6]

Work Smart, Not Hard!

Posted: 5/12/2011 8:43:30 PM EDT

[#7]

I enjoy muttering 'Well fuck me running' when hearing of the new ideas our upper echelons have come up with. I also find myself threatening to burn down someone's village and carry off thier womenfolk whenever they cross me.

Posted: 5/12/2011 8:47:10 PM EDT

[#8]

This thread is very oscarpedious.

Posted: 5/12/2011 8:54:48 PM EDT

[#9]

"Words fall from your mouth as shit from ass."

try it.

Posted: 5/12/2011 8:59:15 PM EDT

[#10]

Quoted:
"Words fall from your mouth as shit from ass."

try it.

Sounds Roman. Maybe Spartacus oriented?

Posted: 5/12/2011 8:59:47 PM EDT

[#11]

Quoted:
When a coworker says, "I want ....(whatever)..." I reply, "Well, people in hell want ice water."

If people aren't paying attention, I'll make it interesting with, "So, I was balls deep in this guys asshole last night..." That usually gets people out of their stupor.

If someone makes a comment about homosexuality, I say, "Don't knock it 'til you've been in prison..."

You've obviously never been the subject of a EEOC investigation.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:00:43 PM EDT

[#12]

well i used something unique at home the other day..

me..... i took the front seat of my bov, to a appolstery shop for repair, its going to cost..
wife.... what? you took it where? where will we get the money? my check is full !
me....... well, i was talking to the guy and..
wife..... your always spending money we dont have, what do you do that, how will we pay the guy!?!?!
me........ i talked to the guy, and he told me.....
wife...... i said how will we pay for..........

me........ IF YOU WILL STOP STEPPING ON MY FUCKING TRANSMISSION, I MIGHT GET THE CRITICAL INFO ONTO THE NET, AND YOU WILL GET YOUR FUCKING ANSWER, NOW SHUT OF, AND LOG OFF THE NET, SO I CAN TRANSMIT ! ! ! !

honestly i dont know where that came from..... a old military flashback i guess...

it was funny though.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:02:36 PM EDT

[#13]

gotta be smarter than the equipment your working with.......... usually used when someone fucks up something simple, like adjusting a adjustable wrench, or some dumb thing. or tries to pull open a push door, ot puss a pull door, etc

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:14:19 PM EDT

[#14]

Quoted:

Quoted:

"Words fall from your mouth as shit from ass."

try it.

Sounds Roman. Maybe Spartacus oriented?

I heard it in King Leonidas' voice

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:19:01 PM EDT

[#15]

"This shit looks uglier than a bag of used assholes."

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:19:53 PM EDT

[#16]

"Hey, AFM! How's your day going?"

"Just fine. So far I haven't broken anything, blown anything up, nor killed anybody."

They usually do a double take, then get a confused look.

I'm not going to explain my job to you, so don't ask.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:37:19 PM EDT

[#17]

Quit using that Mexican speed wrench/ several sixteenths wrench on my machine!

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:44:48 PM EDT

[#18]

"I'm not here to work. I'm supervising."

The pharmacist has thrown more than a few pill bottles at me and told me to stop trying to take his job.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:46:48 PM EDT

[#19]

"I'm going to get chow, what do you want"

I interrupt with "Hot cock sandwich covered in mayonnaise"

lots of

and

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:46:59 PM EDT

[#20]

"Well then just get in the boxcar." (I work with a lot of liberals.)

On the plus side, I actually get to say "Tally ho!" when we fax cameras.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:52:09 PM EDT

[#21]

The most extreme I can get is using the acronym SWAG. Sophisticated wild ass guess.

As in "Dace where did the client get this number?"
Me - "They SWAGed it"

People don't like hearing it being in public accounting and auditing multi billion dollar comapnies.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:53:54 PM EDT

[#22]

Quoted:

The most extreme I can get is using the acronym SWAG. Sophisticated wild ass guess.

As in "Dace where did the client get this number?"

Me - "They SWAGed it"

People don't like hearing it being in public accounting and auditing multi billion dollar comapnies.

Someway. Somehow. I will find a way to properly use this at work.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:55:38 PM EDT

[#23]

I randomly say all sorts of messed up shit to my boss.

The more confused he is, the more fun I have.

I'm lucky he has a sense of humor, but he just chalks it up to me being from out of state.

Today it was "In the event of a dildo, is it company policy to never imply ownership of the dildo? Do we use the indefinite article "a" dildo, or when we call the customer about their property can we say "Your" dildo?

He asked me if someone left a dildo in a vehicle.

"No, just wondering."

Strangely, the thing that has confused him the most is my use of the statement "Fucked up like a football bat/soccer helmet", whichever I use at the time. He just doesn't get it, and asks me to explain it.

It's too bad he's getting moved, and a new guy (got promoted from another branch) is taking his spot.

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:57:26 PM EDT

[#24]

Well, my two favorite ones are now one. The one I use often now is "We will burn that bridge when we come to it."

And the one that has fallen into disuse?

A morning greeting of "Who are we at war with?" Used that one for years.........stopped using it after 9/11.
_________________________________________________
("Well, there was this great language barrier with some eventual heated words until they figured out I didn't belong there. By the way, if we are at war in the morning with Peru, that's the reason why."––Elaine relating about her mistrip to the Peruvian consulate, (w,stte), "Just Shoot Me")

Posted: 5/12/2011 9:58:03 PM EDT

[#25]

I had a job at a TV station..I occasionally had to work on light fixtures and if I was having any problems with the screwdrivers (loosening an old screw) my sup used to lean over and ask "Hey Voodoo..do I need to put some hair around it for ya"

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:02:25 PM EDT

[#26]

When someone else is using the phone, I like to loudly ask them "does this look like herpes to you?"

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:04:29 PM EDT

[#27]

My wife has better sayings than me. When people who make decisions make bad ones instead of listening to her, she says, "It's your goat." The end of that statement, that she doesn't say outloud is, "You fuck it."

She also will "accidentally" call people Jane. As in, "Jane, you ignorant slut." Jane

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:06:21 PM EDT

[#28]

"for the last time, sex change operations aren't covered by your HMO"

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:06:34 PM EDT

[#29]

I'm here to help you cover your ass, not kiss your ass.

Also when I find three guys standing around shooting the shit, "Oh look, its the Off brothers, Jack, Jerk and Fuck."

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:13:14 PM EDT

[#30]

I have only used it once, but I did say "sometimes you just have to beat it like a red-headed stepchild" to the pregnant woman the other day. Everyone else laughed while she sat there and pondered it.

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:27:35 PM EDT

[#31]

Going to the moon, be right back.

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Posted: 5/12/2011 10:28:19 PM EDT

[#32]

Don't hand me a pile of shit and ask for a sandcastle.

Or the classic, "you can lead a horse to water, but I'm not going to suck his ass to make him drink it."

Both used in regards to training in new guys.

Posted: 5/12/2011 10:44:19 PM EDT

[#33]

Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up first.

Posted: 5/12/2011 11:06:13 PM EDT

[#34]

If I'm in meeting and someone says something too stupid to refute I just mutter 'shut up and color.

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Posted: 5/13/2011 3:12:21 AM EDT

[#35]

I have told many young sailors "You know, your daddy just wanted a blow job, but NO! your mom had to go and fuck that up, didn't she?" or "Out of all the millions of sperm, YOU were the fastest one, FUCKING AMAZING!"

Posted: 5/13/2011 3:24:17 AM EDT

[#36]

Tag for later.

Posted: 5/13/2011 3:38:54 AM EDT

[#37]

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've already got."
"Pay attention to what's going on around you."
"Piss up a rope."

Posted: 5/13/2011 3:50:45 AM EDT

[#38]

For those daily occurrences where someone makes a statement that could be confused with them being gay I look at 'em and say in "I bet that's not the first time you've said that to a grown man".

It's kind of replaced "That's what she said".

Posted: 5/13/2011 3:57:38 AM EDT

[#39]

Quoted:

Quoted:
"Words fall from your mouth as shit from ass."

try it.

Sounds Roman. Maybe Spartacus oriented?

I heard it in King Leonidas' voice

Funny, I heard it in Batteates (sp?) annoying voice. "By Jupiter's cock!"

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:01:50 AM EDT

[#40]

Show up for work with an agenda for the day or one will be provided for you at no extra cost.

You must be fired with enthusiasm or you will be fired, with enthusiasm! (Thank you Father Vincent Lombardi)

Lead, follow, or get the #&^% out of the way!

He/she could screw up a two-car funeral.

Thank you, Capt. Obvious for that insight into our situation. Now sit down, plug into the server and get started for the day!

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:18:24 AM EDT

[#41]

DEV broke something?

That's UNPOSSIBLE?!

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Posted: 5/13/2011 4:40:06 AM EDT

[#42]

"Well fuck me sideways!"

"Now just hold on and let me fuck this chicken, all right? You'll get your turn in a minute."

"If you do (X) I will skin you alive and nail your carcass on the wall. So don't do it."

Sometimes I'll also end phone conversations with "Love you too, honeybunches" or something.

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:42:24 AM EDT

[#43]

"Big Hat, No Cattle"

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:46:28 AM EDT

[#44]

I like to end conference calls with "I love you".

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:48:27 AM EDT

[#45]

You would crossthread a lightbulb.
You're all worthless and weak, your feet stink and you don't love Jesus. (old PLT SGT, not sure where he got it.
Thats the way the cookie bounces.
Do that again! I didn't see it the first time. (my old boss when you just smashed your finger, cut off your arm, or what ever you just hurt)
Do think it'll fly Orville?
Thats wrong as two boys f*cking!

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:54:49 AM EDT

[#46]

what did you do last night? You smell worse than lint from a bums pocket...

Posted: 5/13/2011 4:56:59 AM EDT

[#47]

Quoted:
Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up first.

LOL - my sainted grandmother - god rest her soul - taught me that one when I was whining about something as a child.

Posted: 5/13/2011 5:11:51 AM EDT

[#48]

"the beatings will continue until morale improves"

Posted: 5/13/2011 6:01:04 AM EDT

[#49]

Had this exchange with my students the other day when they wouldn't remain in their seats.

Me: "SIT!"
(students sit down)
Me: "STAY!"
Whiney students: "Mr. Wdsman, we're not dogs"
Me: "I know. Dogs are trainable! Here in a couple of minutes we'll find out which one of you is dumber than a puppy."
Less than 5 minutes later, student stands.
Me: "Ah, now we know. (Student) is dumber than a puppy. I swear tomorrow I'm gonna bring a rolled up newspaper and a box of milkbones to class."

Edited for typo

Posted: 5/13/2011 6:03:03 AM EDT

[#50]

Quoted:

Had this exchange with my students the other day when they wouldn't remain in their seats.

Me: "SIT!"

(students sit down)

Me: "STAY!"

Whiney students: "Mr. Wdsman, we're not dogs"

Me: "I know. Dog's are trainable! Here in a couple of minutes we'll find out which one of you is dumber than a puppy."

Less than 5 minutes later, student stands.

Me: "Ah, now we know. (Student) is dumber than a puppy. I swear tomorrow I'm gonna bring a rolled up newspaper and a box of milkbones to class."

Bad puppy. Go sit in the corner.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Off the Wall Statements You Like to Use at Work (Page 1 of 3)

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