Some day. About the only thing Travis is interested in shooting right now is a water gun :)

Bump for page 403 database engine screwup.

Did  y'all see the new pinned thread in GD? There's another one of these threads.

Reta, I hope you're doing okay.

Too much of that cancer shit going around.

TRH.

Very nice of you to contribute to Brandon's thread.

Thinking of you and your family.

don't think for a second we've forgotten any of our fallen members or thier families, still praying for y'all.

Hope things are going well.

The "Bring On the Weekend" Bump!  

- God Bless

All is well in the Reed house. My birthday is around the corner - the big four-five. Of course it reminds me of Jeff because he was 45. You just never know when your number will be your last.

I'm getting a tattoo for my birthday - a memorial tattoo of the non-Hodgkin's lymphoma ribbon (lime green). I've been planning this for some time and thought about doing it on some random date when the mood struck. But Jeff liked to make things significant by starting or doing on a particular day or date so I figured my 45th would be perfectly significant.

I'm still heavy into house projects. I'm thinking of demolishing the ledge over the TV in the living room. It's giant and stupid and I hate it.  

Today I cleaned out the garage. I demolished the goofy platform that the water heater used to sit on. Who knew those things were so well built? I swear they put 87 nails in it! And reinforced it with two levels of 2x4s! If only the whole house was that sturdy :)

 87 nails... Now that's built to code!

87 nails...Not just strong, Arfcom strong!

Okay, it hasn't been quite a month since I posted last. I'm just kinda exhausted with everything bouncing around in my brain, so I'll spew it here:

The tattoo is healed, though still a little itchy.
I'm still painting (LOTS) in the house.
Planning projects for next year - I think I'll focus on the yard and exterior of the house.
Need to replace a rotting piece of trim around the kitchen window.
Thinking about taking some college classes.
I wonder how Jimmy Johnson is doing. Used to watch NASCAR all the time with Jeff, but just haven't.
Waiting for the fridge or microwave to die.
Replaced the garbage disposal. Yay me!
Laundry needs to be done (always).
Damn toenail polish chipped!
Those gumballs are hard. Need to trash 'em.
Need to dust.
Dating? Me? Blech... blarph... The idea is terrifying. I'm trying to get "out there" and be with people, but it's hard. Takes a lot of effort. I feel like I'm damaged goods. Toxic. Yet cute :)
Got a zit that is taking FOREVER to go away!
That wine looks good.
I should sit up straighter.
Need to clean the fridge.
Lymphoma sucks.
Need a new kitchen trash can. You know they have trash cans with batteries in them?!? It'll be a cold day in hell before I get a battery-powered trash can. $200.00 Seriously? You put TRASH in it! I just want one with a good ol' spring-loaded lid. You mash a lever on the front and the lid pops open. Evidently they don't make a plastic lid like the one I need to replace so I'm looking at complete replacement.  In stainless steel. Fingerprint resistant. Slim profile. Shouldn't be more than $50, I think, but I can't commit to one. Stupid huh?
Stupid effing giant stupid effing plant ledge. Definitely need to demolish it.
I need to fix those encounter note findings for oximetry, 6MWT and Epworth so they don't mingle.
I have a few episodes of Walking Dead DVR'd that I need to watch.
Is that a mosquito bite or a spider bite?
Remember that time Jeff puked in the hallway at MD Anderson cuz we couldn't find a bathroom? :(
Maybe we should go to Galveston again this winter.
I'm hating the color of the kitchen cabinets but can't decide what would be a better color.
I'm using the laptop Jeff was always glued to. When I type, the sound of the keys reminds me of him.
Not a fan of Windows 8.
Can't wait to get the lighting in the kitchen done.
I like my hair today.
Stupid zit.

Good to hear from you!



Don't worry about "putting yourself out there" too much, take the time to grieve (I won't say finish because we never truly do for those we love), until you're ready.  You sure as H*** aren't damaged goods or toxic, and you're only a year and change older than I am (and I'm engaged, six or so years after a fifteen year relationship ended in divorce, upgrading to a saner model ;-) ).

The 48 is no longer in contention....
Grats on fixing the disposal.
Laundry is never done, Sorry
Go get a Pedicure, it will fix the chipped nail and you deserve it.
Agreed, Trash the gumballs.
Dust or not dust... I so no, not today.
Dating? When you are ready girl.... Don't rush it, but don't be to scared either. NEVER think of yourself as "Damaged". You are a Beautiful, strong, caring woman. Never forget that. If anyone tells you different, Tag them to the ARFCOM Mob...
Zits come and go... 44 y/o  here and I still get them.
If the wine looks good, drink it.... Just don't live in it.
Yes, sit up straight. 1. It's good for your back. 2. You have nothing to be ashamed of, be proud!
I hate cleaning fridges too...
All Cancer Sucks!!!
Lowes has Trash cans, if it costs $200.00 it better take the trash to the dump for me!
Catch up on Walking Dead, this is looking like a good season!!!!
Hoping a Skeeter, less problems then spiders.
If you can and want to go to Galveston, Go.....
Glad you like your hair today.... I am sure most of ARFCOM would too if we saw you...
Zits always suck.


Hoping you have a GREAT day, Still praying for you and your family.

^^^Right on. ^^^

Readying for hunting season here and struck by the memory of my introduction to Jeff and, with him acting as a conduit, the greater side of Arfcom.

Nice to read your post Reta.

I've probably spent more on a single haircut than on my trash receptacle... I haven't paid for a haircut in nearly a decade. I'm afraid my thrift is readily apparent in both arenas.

Congrats on the engagement.  Glad you didn't give up on love and found that saner model.

I think it was Dr Seuss who said 'those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'. I've been trying give other's opinions less weight.  (My opinions are heavy enough!) I don't think I'm doing anything to raise eyebrows, but I'm sure someone would not agree with something I've said or done since Jeff's passing. So I'm owning my grief. This is what MY grief looks like. I know in my heart that Jeff wanted me to be happy. Right now, happiness is in a paint can, on a ladder, in a drill, a sewing machine, a miter saw, a saws-all, a nail gun... you get the idea. Sprinkling in the occasional evening margarita with sweet friends is icing on the cake.

It is truly good to see you on the board Reta.

I'll be meeting with some fellow Arfcom friends this evening and we'll be raising a toast to Jeff and family on this day.

Ugh! How dare I not mention the kids. I guess I figure it goes without saying that my kids are my rock. Kristen keeps me guessing, all day, every day. Alex is ever-constant, never-changing, which actually worries me. Travis is still the happiest kid on the planet and gives the BEST hugs. He loves to be my helper. They are all incredibly good kids. They've never fought. They play well together. Sure makes life easier :)

 Glad to hear you and the kids are doing well.

Good kids are one of the greatest blessings in life. Of course, they need attention in order to be good.

You should post a pic of your new tatoo. ;-)

Good to hear from you!

I need to take a better pic now that it's healed.

Good evening.

Beautiful!

 

+1  
Have a great weekend.

I've been super productive lately. I got my headboard made and attached to the wall, switched the washer and dryer around, painted the laundry room,  hung a cabinet and shelving, all in the last four days. I don't know where the energy is coming from. I completely skipped lunch today because I was so focused. I wish I had energy to get back to the gym! And now it's turning cold here which makes me want to burrow deep and hibernate. I hate the cold!

Speaking of cold, it's cold and flu season. Has everyone gotten their flu shot? How about a pneumonia shot? There is a new recommendation from the ACIP that those 65 and older should get two types of pneumonia vaccine - the ppsv23 and the pcv13 within a year. 19-64 year-olds should also get vaccinated against pneumonia (pcv13, I believe). Y'all stay healthy!

I've been awaiting such an energetic burst of productivity similar to what you've experienced Reta, but it must not be keeping any sort of set schedule around my neck of the woods.  Make the most of it when you got it.  Then relax should it subside while enjoying the accomplishments.

Have a nice day.

that's beautiful, hon.

very nice memorial tattoo

Thank you for the compliments on the tattoo. It was supposed to be a celebratory remission tattoo - with "My hero" instead of "Love you forever". Damn, I still can't believe he's gone.

Great tattoo. Still here with you and glad to see you're still posting.
I hate the cold too. Had to bust out all my winter gear this week. 17 deg. Monday morning.
Only going to get worse.

As one might guess, the approaching holidays are met with a wide array of emotions. They're full of anxiety even for people who haven't lost a loved one. It's certainly different when someone is palpably missing. I find myself still reflecting on last year. This time last year Jeff had been home only a couple days after being in ICU for nine days and the oncology floor for another eight, discharged just in time to have his bone marrow transplant evaluation in Dallas. He was home for Thanksgiving, and we were thankful. He was miserable, but he was glad to be home. This time last year, we were still hopeful. I feel terrible that his days weren't spent doing better things. I feel terrible that I couldn't share his rekindled faith. I feel terrible that we didn't have more meaningful talks about the possibilities. I guess we weren't ready. We were still hopeful.

I generally enjoy the holidays and just spoiling the kids. I even enjoy the potluck lunches at work. In his rounds to all our offices, Jeff would often come home with baked goodies and presents that coworkers and doctors' wives had shared. He was so loved by everyone. We would occasionally hit the Black Friday sales and those were always a fun adventure. It was like a hunt for Jeff. He loved a good deal.

But Jeff didn't really get into the holidays. He disliked the traffic, crowds, shopping, and decorating. So he mostly left it to the kids and me. I wish he had participated more. Oh, he helped with things if I asked him, but there was no joy. I think he appreciated that I made efforts and he was happy to let us buzz around with enough holiday spirit for all of us. He did manage to get me something for Christmas each year and it was always a very thoughtful gift. He liked watching the kids open their presents, sitting in his usual spot at the end of the couch, laptop in his lap. Always multitasking. I miss seeing him there. More often than not, he was in his boxers (maybe sweats if it was cold enough) and button-down shirt.

Thanksgiving is not a big event in our house. We just don't have much family around so, we keep it low-key. I hope to make this Christmas better than last year's daze. I plan to put the lights outside (the weather is perfect today) and put the little tree up upstairs, among other things that didn't get done last year. Lights and silly things make me happy. I'll do some baking for friends and neighbors. You won't catch me caroling though! So, I'll make myself busy and distracted and trying to soak up every bit of holiday spirit.

My in-laws are in Camas, Washington, just across the river from Portland, and they send me pictures of snow. That's about all I need. And Buffalo, New York?? HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO!

HAPPY THANKGIVING to all. been gone from  here awhile, not busy just lazy. I learned a great deal from all of you and this thread. what to be thankful for. each and every little thing. I did finish the Jeff Reed #28 rifle I built for the wife and took it to Battleraodusa.com zombie biathlon last October . after covering the course 4 times in 3days putting finishing touches on things I didn't even sight it in or run with my team but we did have a safe and very rainy event. Very glad the house is going well and plan on using my new found way of pulling up fur trees to good use. got one by my front door too.     I believe in my heart that even if a lot of us don't post here that JEFF and YOU ( and each other ) are still in our thoughts and prayers as we go about or daily lives.

aside - hey, txpopgun


That's a well-done tattoo.

Happy Thanksgiving, Reta. Keep the things you have to be thankful for from suffering under the loss you feel. Life is loss and gain, joy and pain. We aren't human if we don't feel the pain, but we're also less human if we don't take the joy where we have it.

Cheers!

A belated Happy Thanksgiving to you all as well.

Well-said Lieh-tzu. Balance is good, though it seems like it takes a lot more joy to balance out the pain. It's kinda like consumer reviews on anything - you see a lot of complaints, but not many compliments. We readily voice our displeasure. I work with one woman who, if she's speaking, it's usually to say something negative. It may be in a half-joking manner, but the gist is still negative. That's when I turn on the tunes and shut my door. I don't have room for that in my life, thank-you-very-much. Too bad she's a coworker so I can't kick her to the curb. She does make me appreciate my sweet friends all the more.

Just saying hello. And you guys are still in my thoughts. Hope all is well.

Good morning from Kansas!

We're here for you Reta.  Hard to believe it's been a year today.  

Please know that the strength and determination both you and Jeff have shown to us throughout has touched, inspired, and transformed.  
It has blessed us and made us better people; no one could ask for a better legacy than that.  

I hope you can find some small comfort in the fact that you're persevered through a year of "firsts" and have come through a stronger woman for it.  
Know that, going forward, you're tough enough to take it and not break.  I'm sure Jeff is proudly smiling down on you from Heaven.  

So...hug your children and know that there is a whole community out there that cares about you and your family.  We haven't forgotten, and we're here if you need us.  God Bless.  

- Strength and Prayers

QFT.

One year ago today, I said goodbye to my husband and friend, father of our beautiful son, mother and mother-in-law tormenter, and friend to everyone he met. This past year has been a bit of a blur, though I know I've done a lot - managed to keep the house and kids going, work is going well, my health is ever stable, even my love life is perking up. And yet, there's still a hole that will be forever empty, walled off, protected. The box that's put away, only rarely opened.

I remember every second of this day last year. I remember waking up in Jeff's hospice room, getting up, showering, making cocoa, meeting Jeff's dad, brother and aunt, talking with friends. Jeff hadn't been responding to anyone since shortly after admission to hospice, so he was quiet. It was icy and I was kind of stranded there, not that I wanted to leave. That evening our sweet friend, James, and I were sitting and talking by Jeff's bed, the TV on for noise and distraction. I looked over at Jeff and didn't see the rise of his chest. He was too still. Too quiet. He left us at 5:47pm. There was a lot of crying and hugging, confusion, numbness and pain. I lay in the bed next to Jeff, tracing his lifeless hands, so wishing he'd squeeze my hand one last time.

What do you do after you lose your husband? You pack up your things and go home. You hug your kids. You lean on your friends and family. You attempt to reboot your life. I wouldn't say I'm moving "on", but moving forward. Moving on implies forgetting, getting over something. Moving forward means cherishing memories, even painful ones, but continuing to live a life with grace.

You only realize your true strength when being strong is the only choice you have.

Dear friends have reached out to me today, remembering Jeff. I miss his devilish smile, the snort when he laughed, the creak and click of his bare feet when he walked, his outrage at some political happening, his soft-hearted tears shed for any suffering child, his wicked sense of humor, his bravery, his friendship, his hugs, his warmth, and the image of him greeting neighbors in his boxers and button-down shirt. He was unique, to say the least.

Such sweet words. Thank you so, so much. It's been a kinda rough today, as I expected it would be. I met up with James, Jeff's buddy from the Army, and had lunch and a drink to life. We're still here, still living and persevering.

Many thoughts and prayers for you and yours Reta.  God bless you.

Sly

You and your family will be forever in our hearts.

raising a drink to Jeff tonight



thoughts and prayers for you and yours, Reta.

God bless

He has not been forgotten.