What did you do and why.

I found out 8 months ago, and am trying to forgive, but it's hard.
It would help me to know whether those of you who put Christ first in your lives and faced infidelity ended it or tried to make it work, and how it ultimately turned out. My wife claims to be repentant, but I don't know if I can ever trust again.

I know the Bible says I can divorce, but what did you do?
It's a struggle within myself unlike any I have ever faced.

Edited.  This is not GD.  ~ medicmandan

You will also have thoughts about nobody will want to date you, and you will never find anyone to replace her.  But it is actually easy to find someone new.   The hardest part is make the choice to start the break.

I divorced her.
During and after the divorce, I discovered lots of other things she lied about.

I guess only you can decide what's the right thing to do, but I do have a question. Did you catch her or did she feel guilty and confess?  

If it's the former, I'd say you need to be making an exit. If it's the latter, maybe, just maybe, you can get past it if you both can address the root cause of what made her cheat in the first place.

Men typically tend to cheat out of pure physical lust. Women tend to out of a strong emotional  bond with another person. Guess which one "means more" in the big scheme of things?

I remember wondering why God would let something like this happen to me at the time.
Now I know that he wanted me to be happy and fulfilled, something that was never going to happen while I was married to a selfish and manipulative liar.

I caught her. And it took several discoveries before the whole truth came out. Although she did volunteer information on her own after the first disclosures, but you are right there could be more.

I have prayed about it a lot, and so far she has made every effort despite me offering her a divorce. It has torn us apart, but we have younger  kids (9 and 12) and it would be very hard on them.  The worst part for me is getting over the humiliation of other men with my wife, and what they did. I have to constantly quote Romans 12:19 to the point where I considering a am tattoo (even though I don't believe in tattoos) to keep from throwing away everything on revenge, I know the bastards' names and where they live, I insisted she tell me. Yes, there was more than one.

It's been the worst thing I have ever gone through.

Thanks for the opinions and experiences, everything helps.

OP
 Let me first say sorry for the situation your in. I've been there and done that with my wife and it was the the worst 10 months of my life! My wife had weight reduction surgery and was looking very good, shortly thereafter I started to notice a loss of affection amongst other things. Shortly afterwards she told me she wanted a separation, I did not, thought we could work through our issues. Low and behold she had different plans. After playing detective I found out she was having an affair with some guy at work (physically & emotionally). I tried my best to keep my marriage together and prayed ALOT!

 After seeing that it wasn't going to happen, I told her I was done and we would divorce. The hardest thing I ever done was take off my wedding band and give it back to her. A couple of weeks after deciding to divorce I dropped off our 13 y/o daughter to her so I could go away for the weekend. When I met her she was very disheveled and begged me to take her back. I told her no, reason being, she was still wearing some trinket on her Pandora bracelet that he had given her. Figured if she was concerned about getting back together she could at least be mindful of the small things. So I left, Almost made I to my destination and she sent me a text and it said " please don't go, I'll do anything". Still wanting to save my marriage I decided to call her and hear her out. We talked for about 2 hours while I was parked in a Church parking lot.

 When our conversation was done, I felt like I was at a crossroad in my life. I could turn one way and go home and try to fix my marriage or turn another and see where the road would take me. Being raised Christian and my own personal beliefs I chose to turn and go home, my marriage was more important. We've been married almost 19 years and have had our ups and downs but I do not regret the decision I made!

 The trust WAS an issue but over time it lessens. I always told myself, my friends and my wife that if she were to ever cheat there would be NO second chances, guess what, I ate crow. While all this was going on my co workers knew what was going on as well as some friends. After we got back on track some people chose not to associate with her and some respected my decision.

 The biggest thing I learned was that no matter what I did or tried to do, the earth was still going to spin, the sun was still going to rise and set and the moon was still going to come and go, I had no control over the inevitable. I also learned that I was a good, decent person during all this. At some point you need to ask yourself where is the "line in the sand", what will you tolerate and what you won't. I chose to forgive and our marriage is flourishing now. I wish you the best in a bad situation. If your wife is willing to try to work it out I would try also...

MDDOTMAN, thank you for sharing your story.  God bless you and your family.

_DR, that has not happened to me, but while there are a lot of factors that would influence my decision, I would like to think that I would stick around and make things work.  I'll pray for your family.

It is hard to forgive, but it is possible. My marriage is better now than ever, because of forgiveness, on both sides when we were younger. I won't tell you it is easy, because it's not, but a trust you have never experienced can be built through this. Counseling is important, but through a Christian based program. They will help with noticing true repentance.

Thanks for the input guys.

It's a daily struggle.

Seeing how others handled it helps me.

I no longer trust anyone

Not nearly the same situation your are in but..



When I started dating my wife, about 3 weeks after we decided to be exclusive I ended up hooking up with a friend of mine when we went camping. I knew it was wrong, and immediately stopped talking to her. My GF wondered why I just decided to stop talking to or seeing this girl (she knew who she was, and we had all hung out together quite a few times) and about 3 months later I told her. She forgave me partially because it was still a new relationship, and partially because she saw that I immediately cut ties and knew I messed up.



We got married 9 months ago (after 7 years of dating) and it's awesome. No doubts in my mind that she has forgotten about that.

Some notes:
1) Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  You need to prepare for divorce, even if you don't get one.  Separate your finances, etc. etc. She had already betrayed your trust multiple times - it's not unthinkable she would do it again with other matters. And document, document, document.  Keep a log.

2) Your concern for your kids is admirable, but try to be objective.  If your home life is miserable, believe me, your kids know about it and are suffering because of it.  It's better for kids to have 1 happy parent than 2 miserable ones, even if they are separate.

3) Go to a web forum called "survivinginfidelity.com" 95% women, and more than a little man hatred there, but some of the support mechanisms they have are good.  And there are other men on there, so you won't feel so alone.

4) Read a book called "Getting Past the Affair." One of the things it emphasizes is that affairs don't happen in good marriages. If one partner is feeling the need to have an affair, something is wrong with the marriage.  And while the person who stepped out is 100% responsible for the affair, the state of the marriage is the responsibility of BOTH partners.

ETA: And for disclosure sake, I was the one who cheated.  It was the second worse mistake of my life.  The worst mistake?  Not leaving when I realized the marriage was beyond salvation.

Uh, no.  She may have forgiven you - she hasn't forgotten.

I'm going through a very similar situation, it's even been 8 months since I found out.  I had some suspicions before then, but the actual admittance of the affair was 8 months ago.

I don't know what the answer is.  Some days I have an unwavering commitment to keeping my marriage together and ensuring I get to play with my 2yo daughter every day.  Others, I can't keep the thoughts of her actions from my head, I contemplate leaving, if I would be happier and how/if I can make it on my own.  My stance can waver week to week or even day to day in the rougher times.  I wish I was as sure of what to do as I thought I would've been before I found out.

Keep praying and know that no one can make this decision but you.  I've been praying for God's guidance, but I don't think I've gotten it quite yet(maybe I just didn't see it).  I hope you are able to figure it out and move forward with full conviction in whichever direction you choose.

The blue highlighted part is pretty much exactly what I am going through from day to day, about 8 months here also.

My wife has been trying hard, and generally we do great, but what you described is exactly what I feel, and it makes it hard.

It's good to know I am not the only one who goes through these things. It jacks with your head big time.

I made the break and it was worth it.

I think it comes down to is she actually sorry she committed these acts,  or just sorry she got caught.   Godly sorrow vs. worldly sorrow.

Unless she has truly had a change of heart, and recommitted to you,  her actions will likely continue until she is caught again.  If she is not truly sorry for her acts,  then long term,  it is going to be a struggle for you and your children.  

There is no one right answer in these situations.  Hopefully she has had a change of heart, and that with some work,  you and her will be able to work things out.

one time random drunken fling might be forgivable, I wouldn't but some might. Several times with several different men that she developed feelings for shows a level of disrespect that could never be repaired.

I wish you luck.

This is almost exactly what happened to me, except I stayed and tried to work it out.  A few months later as I was working on leaving she ended up pregnant.  So I stayed to try to have a family for my kid.  Ended up having 2 total and I love my boys to death, but I just couldn't take the lying and manipulating anymore.  I don't believe she cheated again after the original time, but I just couldn't trust her anymore and I never got over it.  So now I have a great girlfriend and we are getting married in June.  My new girl respects the heck out of me and is such an awesome person and the best change in spouse I could ever hope for.  Over the years I had lost some faith and got addicted to porn since I didn't want to touch or be intimate with my ex.  August of 2015 I had a time where I came back to God and have kicked the porn habit and soon after found my girlfriend.  She and I are doing great things for the Kingdom now and are headed in the right direction.

 

Have you sought help? Are you a member of a church that you can get help from?

Seek Christian help before deciding anything else. I can't imagine the turmoil you are going through but it must be immense, so other Christian freinds will be able to see things more clearly than you are able to at the moment.

One instance, ok I can see forgiving. But multiple?  Come on, no way.  How many STD's did she give you?  Plus, you had to catch her?  I would not gamble on her repentance, I would simply move on.

Back before we were married, (but had a 3 year old kid, mortgage, cars, etc), my then baby-momma decided to "find herself" with some 50-year old guy she met in a bar.

I was suspicious of her behavior and under duress, she admitted it.  She was unhappy, I was hard to live with, etc, etc.

I told her that if she had any hope of ever fixing our relationship, the affair ended immediately, zero contact.  She did that, to my knowledge.
Still, she was going to move out, and wanted me to help her pay for her new apartment (WTF??)

After a couple months of very hard times, she decided she wanted to stay and get married.  

I was so relieved and happy that I never demanded a real, heart-felt apology.  She never begged to be taken back, and I never got to choose to accept that contrition.
I swallowed that shit sandwich and I've been burping it back up for the last two decades.  Depression, anxiety, anger, negativity, resentment.

19.5 years later, we've had a relapse of sorts, and are both in counseling.  Definitely something we both should have done THEN.

I'm still angry and resentful that she never BEGGED my forgiveness.  She never really resolved why she was so unhappy.

The first time around, our faith in God really helped us both out.  I'm not the world's best Christian, but during that adversity, I believe GOD helped us both.

Can you regain trust?  Yes.
Will it take time? Yes.
Will there be setbacks?  Yes.

Should you both go to counseling and get help right now?  YES, YES YES.

Oh man, I feel pain just reading that.  Multiple?!  Sir, I appreciate your generous heart to try forgiveness.  I don't know if I could do it.

Best wishes and prayers for you.