Quoted:
"Do you need me to add more Dr. Pepper to the crock pot?"

"Your not listening to me when I feed my fish!"

"Do we need cat food? The car needs gas so we should get cat food"

Yes, it really is as outlandish as it sounds. Yes, there are times she really is checked out of whatever reality the rest of us are living in.

Quoted:
Took a chick Im thinking about seeing to the outlets to walk around.
Nice womenly shit right?

Me (thinking I am testing the waters): "Wanna go look in Victoria's Secret?"

Her: "No. None of that stuff is camo..."


Walking around more...
Me: "Wanna go look in any shops or anything?"
Her: "No. I cant afford it and its all useless crap."

Quoted:
We were asked to bring cheesy potatoes to a family birthday party.   She cooked them and I was asked to transfer them from the baking dish to the travel dish.  No problem,  I got this.
Me: all set with the potatoes babe.

Her: are they still warm?

me: they just came out of a 400 degree oven. ...you could say so.

Her : well did you taste them?

Me:  babble something aBout said 400 degree oven again. .. no I did not.  They are fine.

Her:  (30 minutes later while I'm driving , )  are you sure you didn't taste them?  

Me:

Her: you should try them.

Me: any more talk about taste testing the fucking potatoes and I'll whip the whole dish out the damn window on the expressway!  They are fine!  You made them the same exact way as the last time 50 times with the same fucking ingredients.   Trust me, they are delicious!

Quoted:
Grumpy and short with me in the morning...

Me: What's wrong? Did I do something?

Her: I don't know.

Me: Well, what's the problem? Why are you acting like this?

Her: I had a bad dream about you last night. You cheated in my dream.

Me: Oh, well in that case I fully understand why you are treating me like I'm an asshole. I mean, clearly your brain's unconscious activity is my fault.....wtf.  

FWIW, I've always been faithful. Never a cheater.

Quoted:

Me: "What do we wan't to do for dinner?"



Her: I don't care, you decide"



Me: Insert any restaurant/food type here



Her: "I don't want to go there"



Me:

Quoted:
"Get the fuck outta my kitchen!"

I didn't listen at first, but after the second time she cut me with a knife, I realized I'd be better on the couch watching t.v. She ( 2nd wife ) said this whenever she was cooking something with a really old family recipe. Like I would know what to do with a damn recipe'. Of course, it might also be that she got aggravated by my really bad Zuluish accent of " Bootitee Bootitee Bootie.", and smacking her on the ass when she was bent over a hot stove, but who knows. I almost needed stitches the second time, but we super glued it.

"Stop being a bitch and get up. I'm gonna fuck the pain away if you stop being a pussy."

This was after she came back from MP training at Leonard wood. We were coming down the steps at my parents house and headed over to ours. She decided to show me a baton type take down she learned there, with a 5 cell maglight she had in her hands, while I was stepping off into the gravel driveway, with the cement walkway still extending for the next three feet. All I know is she got my arms behind me as I was stepping off, and locked them, and I went face first into the gravel, bleeding, while she jumped on my back and cuffed me. Cussing her, and spitting out rocks was apparently being a whiny bitch.  She made up for it, but geez.

"I'm gonna dig your brain out with a spoon."  Anytime I said something stupid, but with her track record of violence, I could never be sure if she was being funny or serious.



"Go out and put the targets up."

At the range, after a night of knock down , drag out fighting, where she pulled a knife on me and I thought I was gonna have to hit her with a bat. Then she said the knife was for her, but we kept fighting. She would never shut up, and to get the last word. I slept in another bedroom that night. Well, slept isn't the right word, I never fell asleep. She slept like a baby, and laughed at me because she said she psyched me out. She decided that we should go shoot that morning, bought us breakfast and all. She asked me to go put the targets up while she stayed back at the shooting line, with nobody there but us two, in the middle of nowhere, with no cell service. Yeah, like that was gonna happen. I told her hell, no, you're walking out here with me.


The first wife was all sunshine and daisies. Second one was crazy as hell. And yeah, the 2nd one is the 19-20 year old ( (I was 32-33) that wanted to play "overwatch " on a gun deal on the river roads on top of a buddy's dad's two story store, where there was a ladder to go up on the extension that was a first floor patio thing. I didn't tell her no. It would have broke her spirit, and I wouldn't have got laid that night. It was her 10rd AK and she was using the money for a 30rd SAR1.

Quoted:
We are camping right now. I ask her if she has any hand soap readily available. She says hand soap? I say yes hand soap. She says for what your hands ?