There has to be racism in this story somewhere.

I think the OP is testing the waters. In preparation of pitching a new reality show. Now that sons of guns timeslot needs to be replaced.


                                                                                                     

                               My driveway                                                                                              


  3/10s on the dark side

Ok who brought the dog?

What kind of conversation do you have when you confront someone performing an exorcism in a driveway?

Ohh hey, you startled us.  We were just performing an exorcism.  How are you doing tonight?  Nice gun.

ETA:  seriously you need to go over and check on what all went down.  If she did not flinch about you pointing a rifle at her, they might be pretty understanding but still - you should drop over and check out and get the skinny on what happened and what you walked into.

So does the priest get like a badge or certificate or something so the demon knows he's not being unlawful in his commands?

Yep, no way would I investigate loud screams and crying in the woods at night without a rifle.  

Sounds like you handled it appropriately, now go ask them wtf they were doing.

I watch a lot of horror movies, and if that shit happened to me I would be hard pressed not to empty the mag at everything that looked like it might move. Fucking demons can be anywhere...

What if the Demon is a protestant?  Does he have to follow the commands from another church.

Or maybe, the power of exorcism comes from Christ?


I ask this as a practicing Catholic.

TXL

This.  No shit.  Way too many horror movies could be short youtube clips with the judicious use of 30 rd mags.

TXL

This man has no dick.

Dibs on your AR and ammo

Why in your driveway?  Was your driveway built atop hallowed ground? Maybe the AA stone was mixed with saint bones or something?


Oh and to add, this would be amazing for the tinder thread.

Listen to him, he's pre-med.

Say what? You are going to have to show me the verse from the bible that says that.

Oh shit.  I need to move further north to improve the buffer zone.  West, central or east?


ETA: It's not Landrum is it?  Because that sounds about right, or maybe Gaffney.  I don't know, that's wacked out even for Gaffney.

I'd believe it, I once dated a girl who worked as a security guard at the local evangelical college. There was some strange stories including a very rotund young black woman who decided one night that she didn't need any possessions or clothes that Jesus would take care of her and ran around campus shouting as much.

Welcome to the south, between that and the snake handling churches around it seems like things often go from religion to cult in a hurry in some congregations.

ETA: My first cousin is currently married into a cult "church". The "reverend" arranged her marriage and they currently have almost no possessions and give most of their money from gov't assistance back to the "church" while trying to support their two children. Her mom spent many thousands of dollars trying for an intervention that never succeeded, sad really

Seriously?
Who's going to arrest him?

Oh, don't say God. God doesn't even punish child molesters and rapists. I can't see him getting too bent out of shape about some guy chanting out some Latin.

Around here, most demons are Presbyterian, I've only seen one Baptist demon. We ain't got no Catholics.

You spotted the Baptist demon because it was dancing, didn't you?


I say this as an ex-Baptist.

Don't blame ya op. When I lived in town, they built a light rail station directly behind my duplex with an 8 ft wall on the opposite side of the alley. We had a variety of break-ins, stolen cars, etc. One night we had all the windows open on the backside of the house and there was all kinds of screaming going on out back. Grabbed my shotgun and went out into the backyard, leaned over the fence to peek into the alley. Scary as hell because you just know someone is getting murdered with a hatchet or something.

Turns out it was some bullshit on the other side of the wall, I couldn't see what was going on, but called 911, which was a comedy itself. Finally I could see a transit bus pull up and tell them to STFU.

Q: Why are Baptists against sex?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Move. Or get your own driveway and a fence. A BIG fence.

OP, we need an MS Paint of this craziness.  Then people will believe you.

1: Spiritual law, and spiritual authority--but if it helps you to visualize, imagine an exorcism as a legally-binding Court Order (for example: a Notice of Eviction).  

You yourself can't write a order that is legally binding.  You have to have the AUTHORITY of the court write it--and THEN it is enforceable, by law.

It is the same way in the spiritual realm.  Evictions take place using spiritual authority.

2: Fairly wild assertion about evildoers NEVER being punished.  

Really?   Never ever ever?

The correct response would have to challenge them, notice the Bible - give a loud hiss and recoil back a little. Then growl at them and tell them to leave.

or entice them with pelvic sorcery

I hope you got some digits.

The demonic has no denomination.  

The POWER to exorcise comes from the spiritual Authority (and the Merciful Will) of Christ.  

The poster to whom I was responding (geekz0r) was quoting the actual Latin text from the formal Catholic Rite of Exorcism--which is a very specific text, its use restricted to ordained priests, operating under the express permission of the Bishop.  

In that Rite the priest is not acting of his own accord, he is acting as the direct representative of the Church, and carrying out it's lawful order (like a State Cop serving a warrant is acting as an extension of the State)--and acting with the full authority of the earthly church, granted to Saint Peter by Christ himself.

Anyone can feel free to read the rite themselves to a person who is demonically posessed.  Do tell us how it all works out for you.  

Perhaps nothing will happen.  Then again--you may get your ass kicked.


Acts 19:13-16 New International Version (NIV)

13 Some Jews who went around driving out evil spirits tried to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who were demon-possessed. They would say, “In the name of the Jesus whom Paul preaches, I command you to come out.” 14 Seven sons of Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this. 15 One day the evil spirit answered them, “Jesus I know, and Paul I know about, but who are you?” 16 Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.


Any believing Christian has the spiritual authority to pray for deliverance from demonic oppression for either themselves or for others--and they absolutely should.

In fact, it helps greatly to ASK the person you are praying for (especially if they are a non-believer) to GRANT you spiritual authority to pray for them.  It is the spiritual equivalent of a signed Power of Attorney.  You have been AUTHORIZED to pray on their behalf--they GAVE you that authority as an act of their free will.  Have them say it aloud:  In the NAME of the Lord Jesus Christ I grant you the authority to pray for me, and to petition God for the salvation of my soul.  

Demonic POSESSION is an entirely other order of magnitude, and requires a great deal of spiritual authority.  Satan has a lawful right to them--they are part of and belong to his kingdom.

If you'd like to learn more about it, these are a couple good books to help shape your perceptions.
Deliverance From Evil Spirits:  A Practical Manual....

Unbound:  A Practical Guide to Deliverance....


Deliver Us From Evil:   A Pastor's Reluctant Encounters With The Power of Darkness...

I found Don Bashams book to be quite good in terms of the way he shows the gradual unveiling of the reality of the demonic, the way he slowly became aware of it incident by incident until at last he had no choice but to believe--and his experience somewhat mirrors my own.

He was a Protestant minister.  I'd be vey curious as to what Old_Painless thought of his book (if he has ever read it).


Lastly--anyone who actually tries to love God with their whole heart, whole mind, and whole soul and serve Him in this world--that person WILL encounter satan directly sooner or later, proably sooner--and if you consider yourself a fine upstanding Christian and you haven't yet encountered ANY sign of the supernatural realities (from speaking in tongues to miraculous healing through prayer to witnessing spiritual deliverance from demonic oppression)--if you haven't encountered ANY of that you might want to ask yourself why, and perhaps with some sense of alarm.

the power of the pelvis compels you.

TL;DR

You know this shit isn't real....right?

Slayer Goes to Church

ETA

Can't forget Benny Hinn

Well it did not help we recently watched "The Conjuring". That crap freaked us out that night. Dang cat jumped in the bed, scared the dags, scared me, and the entire house just about got bladed.

I just got home from work. I tried to go get an update but no one was home. But I did stop in the drive this morning where it all went down. There was puke still there, which is surprising with all the animals around here. I will try again tomorrow to get some intel. After talking to some other people. We think they are Baptist. I know they are not Catholic or Christian due to the conversation. There is a possibility they are from the Louisiana area (husband played football down there). Could be some voodoo going on.

Someday you'll know.

Satan has zero interest in you thinking he exists--because HIS existence logically points toward the greater reality of GOD's existence.

Given that you yourself have no relationahip with God--and if satan clearly doesn't want you to know that he exists--exactly WHYwould you suppose that you'd have any clue that they BOTH exist?

Especially seeing as you can't be bothered to read--right?


Bit of a bind you're in there.

Best of luck with it.






TL:DR  

Why exactly would you (who are lazy and lack curiosity) presume that YOU would know if it was, in fact, real?

The only possible defense against such a threat is  Furious Masturbation.

So the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has no standing?

Even my iPhone recognizes it and capitalizes it for me.

Ummm huuuuh!











I think there's more than one person!

How do I know you're not one of satan's minions trying to convince folks that only Catholic priests can do an exorcism.  Trying to convince folks that 3/4 of the world can't stop the demons?

Sounds just like something that bastard down below would do.

TXL

OP..

Damn, she didn't swallow...

you do realize, that Baptist and Catholic are both Christian religions, right?

There is that first post phenomenon again.

PRAISE JEEBUS!!

OP. We're ready to believe you!

why didn't you kick them off your property?

What did the devil girl do when the wep light hit them?  Did she stop her act and deer in headlights like the rest?  Or was she still freaking out like you were not there?

Arfcom teaches the best way to exorcise demons or ghosts is to vigorously masturbate in front of them.

Hope they remembered to pay the exorcist, or their client may get repossessed.

Groul the Destroyer.  That's catchy.  I like it.  You should write a series of B movies.   The franchise rights could buy you a lot of bullets.