Nothing works.

Not the gym, with the treadmills that go nowhere.

Team in Training groups are great and worthwhile, but as you're making new friends, you're hitting the old ones up for money because you have to fundraise for a cause.

Something's got to take — and not just for summer, but for our very lives.

Some 21 percent of King County adults are obese, according to updated numbers from the Washington State Department of Health.

And the percentage of adults who are obese more than doubled over the past 20 years, from 10 percent in 1990. Meanwhile, food keeps getting more outrageous.

KFC just extended the run of its Double Down fried-chicken, cheese and bacon sandwich; more than 10 million have sold. Not to be outdone in the realm of food-as-cartoon, IHOP is sandwiching its pancakes with ... cheesecake.

Time to call in the troops on our behinds.

For 12 years now, Sgt. Mike Lawson has been getting the region's people to move.

He calls them names, makes them kiss the wet pavement, slog through the mud, do squats straight uphill — and they love it. They pay him for the privilege.

The other morning before dawn, I climbed Sundial Hill at Seattle's Gas Works Park and took in this man in combat boots with an accent as Boston as the Green Monster.

"Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!" he barked as he sized up our shivering circle.



Lawson, 42, a former recon commando in the Army, has the longest-running boot camp-style fitness class in a city where at least eight have cropped up over the last few years.

More than 100 people have signed up for one of Lawson's two, 10-week classes, which are held at 6 a.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays at Gas Works Park, and 6 p.m. Mondays and Wednesdays at Woodland Park. (Cost is $175. To sign up, go to www.therac.net/bootcamp.html).

Over 75 minutes, "troops" are put through sprints, squats, crunches, push-ups and stretches. Do what you can, at your own pace, Lawson said. Just don't quit.

"I don't care if you come in first place or last place," he said. "Just do the best you can do. And if you're not doing the best you can do, I'm on you. I can tell!"

Lawson started coaching when he was an Army private assigned to those about to retire. If they couldn't pass a fitness test, they wouldn't receive their benefits, or could be dishonorably discharged.

"These were heroes," he said. "So it's become my life's mission. I am saving people's lives."

Those who survive the first week of his class become devoted.

Jan Benson, 57, of Seattle, has been taking the class for 10 years. She likes that there are people in their 20s and 50s, that the class is not gender specific, and that it's inclusive.

"No matter where you are, there's a place for you," said Benson, who does computer mapping. "Everybody there wants you to do your best, so even if you're the last person, they're cheering you on.

"You just have to start."

Shannon Ellis-Brock, 43, started taking Lawson's class a year ago. She has since lost 35 pounds and no longer needs her medication for high blood pressure.

"I get bored easily," she said. "So I am not going to go to a gym. This class is always something different."

Lawson is as goofy as he is grueling. He gives people nicknames. He tells them he loves them, then threatens bodily harm. And he pesters them about everything ("What kind of sneakahs a' those?"), including what they consume. It worries him.

"The economy is depressing people," he said. "People just want to eat."

Which explains KFC's Double Down — right?

"I don't think I could eat one of those, and I am a meatasaurus," he said. "But you! Where were you this morning? I am going to eat cornflakes out of your skull!"

That'll work.

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They could have the facts right there in front of them for them to copy and paste into an article and still mess it up so bad that only a third of the article is correct.

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He says the same thing on his website.

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Some of us are fat-asses that could use some exercisin'.
Some of us have also served.

Getting into that class could be epically hilarious...

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Back to topic at hand, the way I see it, I don’t care what you did, just be honest about it. For all those cooks that had hot chow for me when I was cold, wet and hungry, here’s to ya. For all those Supply guys that scrounged that piece of TO&E I was missing before an inspection, here’s to ya. For all those Mechanics that got my track up before COB Friday, here’s to ya.

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You also missed the ugly side.

To the cooks that ratfucked the steaks and served us T-rats, FUCK YOU.
To the supply fuck that lost shit and then dummied up a 3161 to cover your ass, FUCK YOU.
To the ULLS clerk to lazy to process my parts order....FUCK YOU.
To the Admin guy that's "too Busy" to process my ABN DA 4187, FUCK YOU.
To the full time Guard guy too lazy to process my pay problem, FUCK YOU.
To the Cunt MP CSM and 1SG who ran away from the fight, FUCK YOU, Twice, in the ASS.

To the same pair of Cunts, whom attempted to deny soldiers in my Company hot food after coming off a patrol, FUCK YOU AGAIN. Yes, that WAS a live round that was chambered, and YES. You were *that* close to experiancing an AD, and, oh yeah....here's another NO LUBE, FUCK YOU, IN THE MOTHERFUCKING ASS.