The husband had just returned from a week long hunting trip and was riding home with his wife from the airport.



"Honey?" she asked,"Were the clothes I packed warm enough?"



"Oh, yeah, but you forgot to pack me any undies!" he said.



After a long pause, she said "I put them in your rifle case."

Two guys are changing in the locker room at the golf club.

A man goes to the doctor.
Man: "Doc, I've had this pain in my knee for three weeks now."
Doctor:  "Hmmm. . . do you masturbate?"  
Man: "Well, yeah."
Doc:  "Isn't it great?"

what does the white house and the Washington zoo have in common?

one has an African lion, the other has a lien' African

Three friends are talking at a bar.  The first guy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second guy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

The last guy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!"

That one is good, I hadn't heard that.

A penguin is riding his snowmobile into town, and just as he arrives, the engine starts acting up.  He pulls it into a shop, and asks the mechanic to look at it.

The mechanic says, "OK, but it'll be an hour or so."

The penguin decides to kill the time by going to the post office and then picking up some lunch.  In an hour he heads back to the shop, munching away at a club sandwich.

The mechanic comes out and says, "It looks like you blew a seal..."

The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and exclaims, "Oh, no, no, that's just mayonnaise."

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?





A: Because he had his dick stuck in the chicken.
Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: FULL!

I'm stealing that one.

LOL, I just read this one - I can't take credit for it.


An old Irish proverb says:

You build a dozen roads, but do they call you Connor the road-builder? No. You sire six wonderful sons, but do they call you Connor the child-rearer? No. But you fuck one sheep...

I have a rooster and you have a donkey.
You donkey jumps on my rooster and bites off his feet and eats them.


Whadda ya got now?????




Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Should be Scottish , Australian, or New Zealand; but not Irish.

The chimps have already stolen it.

KLIK

Some jokes never do go out of style.  I first read that joke in a Playboy I snuck reading back in the 1960's.

 

I don't fucking get it... someone please help a dummy out...

A French Fighter pi,lot and his mistress are lying on the bank of the river...

She says: "Pierre, Kiss me!" So he pulls out a bottle of red wine and dumps it on her lips then kisses her...

She says: "Pierre, What was that for?"

Pierre replies: "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and with my light meat i like red wine!"

So she is getting exited and says: "Pierre, Suck upon my bosoms!"

So pierre pulls out white wine and dumps it on her tits and starts sucking them.......

She giggles and asks: "Pierre why did you just dump white wine on my breasts?" ...

He answers: "I am Pierre the fighter pilot and with my red meat, I like white wine!"

She says: "Pierre go down on me!" So out he pulls a bottle of champaign, pops the cork dumps it on her crotch and lights it on fire!! She jumps up and dives in the river to put out the flames.

When she surfaces she says "Pierre, you asshole what was that for?!?!?!?"

he replies: "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when i go down , i go down in flames!!!!!"

Ever choked the chicken?

A guy dies and has a dream that he goes to heaven, at the gates he is infomred that chastity will be practiced at all times and thats the only rule he has to follow.

So the gates opens and in he goes and he's walking down the street and has to piss, so he asks out loud, "Sir i gotta relieve myself how does it work up here?"
a voice from nowhere comes out and says, "Well, faithful servant we don't have anything as ugly as a restroom up here, so just pee where you are at and it will dissappear!"

So he does and sure enough it is gone instantly.....

So pretty soon he comes across this drop dead gorgeous red head and asks "Sir i know what the rules are, but i cannot pass this up........" Well he continues to whine and beg until the voice says "Alright go ahead i'll look the other way this time......."

So he has carnal relations with her and then starts walking again until he comes across this gorgeous Brunette and the same thing happens because the voice does not feel like listening to the guy cry and whine again so he screws the brunette......

He starts walking again and pretty soon sure enough a gorgeous blond is standing there and the guy says "Sir........." he is interupted by the voice which says "Look just get it over with.........." So the guy does and pretty soon he's walking and says "Sir now i gotta take a dump what do i do?" the voice says "Like i said there's no restrooms up here so just go over there and crap!"

The guy does as instructed and then asks "Sir, what do wipe with?" the voice says "See that tuft of grass over there? Well pull it out and wipe with it....

The guy yanks a handful of the grass and wakes up to his wife beating and kicking the shit out of him.........

The guy says "What in the hell is the matter with you?"

His wife replies "The three times we made love was enough to make overlook the fact the pissed and shit the bed, but if you think your gonna wipe your ass with my pubic hair, you gotta another coming asshole!!'

what does that have to do with knee pain???

Gay



 

What did the Leper say to the hooker?



"Keep the tip."

A polar bear walks in to a bar, walks up to the bartender and says:

"I'd like a rum .......................................................................................
.............................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................
........................................................................................... and coke."

The bartender mixes the drink and says "Here you go, but what's with the big pause?"

The polar bear shrugs and says "I was born with them."

The 7 dwarfs go to a catholic church to talk with the priest.

Doc asks the priest, "Father, do the nuns here wear suits like tuxedoes?

"No", says the priest.

Sneezy asks, "Do they have real short arms and legs?"

Again the answer is no and the dwarves leave the church.

Dopey starts kicking things around and cussing real loud as the rest of the dewarves yell: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

I once put out a burning table cloth with champagne.  Doesn't have nearly enough alcohol to burn.  Change it to Calvados and I think you have a winner there.

Nothing, but it feels good.  That's the joke.

A man is talking to his friends about flight school

Man: The first day up my instructor informs me he is a black belt and a homosexual and if I don't give in to his sexual needs I'm going to have to jump out
of the airplane

Friend: Well did you jump?

Man: Yeah, a little at first

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

can..t breath....