(2009-04-27) — Since the Obama administration’s talk of banning so-called ‘assault weapons’ has resulted in a huge spike in semi-automatic weapon sales nationwide, the White House has recently begun a covert ‘whisper campaign’ suggesting the president might also ban U.S.-manufactured cars and trucks with fully-automatic transmissions, now dubbed ‘assault vehicles’.

President Obama reportedly hopes such chatter will give a much-needed boost to U.S. auto sales.

“These fully-automatics are the weapon-of-choice in the vehicular-manslaughter industry,” said one unnamed White House source. “The automatic transmission allows the killer to accelerate rapidly without the manual process of clutching and shifting gears. Assault vehicles murder roughly four times as many people each year as do firearms. If you include suicides, cars still kill nearly twice as many people compared with all types of guns.”

The administration source also noted that while people with criminal records make up the vast majority of gun-murder victims, ‘assault vehicles’ kill indiscriminately, murdering 39,800 Americans in 2008 alone.

“In most homicide-by-firearm cases, it’s one crook killing another,” said the source. “But automatic transmissions turn law-abiding citizens into killers of other law-abiding citizens, including women, children, seniors and innocent pedestrians.”

Publicly, the administration maintains that it supports an individual’s ‘right to keep and be borne upon wheels’, but the sophisticated whisper campaign is designed both to curry favor with the anti-car lobby, and to boost the economy by driving panic demand for fully automatics.

oh for fucks sake.

Excellent article...





 

Clever .......

+1

RF L

Better stock up on the ones with a high cap fuel tank and trailer lugs.

Sure beats the Hell out of another "swine flu" thread.

Nah nah nah... I've got a pre-ban 2008 Charger!

Hahaha

$200 tax stamp each if you want off road wheels, brush bars, a winch, etc...

Hahahaha.  Is this from the Onion?  Or, did you come up with this yourself?  Hilarious!

Thats funny right there.

Too bad I lost mine in the lake! :)

And so it begins.

Perfection.  +1000 on all points.  I applaud you.

Annnd it makes just as much sense.

Damn, you guys.  This shit isn't funny.  








I really wanted that Super Snake Mustang.




 

I am humbled.

I have been using the "assault cars" argument for years, but never thought to include automatic transmissions in it.  This is awesome.

We must make sure that all automatic gear shifters with a "pistol grip" or anything that can function as a "pistol grip" will no longer be manufactured for civilian sale. For goodness sakes, our law enforcement are being out shifted and out driven out there on the streets. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Trailer lugs....



good one!

If it has a trailer hitch, or HIGH CAPACITY gasoline tank, we definitely need to get rid of it, who needs those?  Also, at least 10 of its component parts should be made in the US to avoid the even more lethal imported ones.

Who was it on here that wrote out an entire piece of fake legislation banning High Capacity Horsepower Cars or something of that sort?  



Funny stuff.

I used the dog argument on someone the other day.  "Why do you have a dog?  You don't need a dog.  It's more likely to maul a child than be used to stop a criminal.  We should definitely get rid of any that weigh over 10 lbs, as that's just dangerous to children.  Really, anybody with a dog, outside of law enforcement, that weighs over 50 lbs must be planning some sort of extremist attack, why else would they have an animal capable of so much damage?"

Argument Points:  "Well, dogs provide companionship."
Response:  "Ah yes, but guns can be unloaded, locked away and won't do anything unless somebody physically forces them to do something.  Also, guns don't breed and and carry disease."

On three people so far, 1 was potentially convinced, 2 others at the least stopped arguing with me about guns.

Note:  I like dogs a lot, my argument against them is intended to be preposterous, as is the argument against guns.  I would not support legislation against dog ownership in any way.  

I'm guessing The Onion?