(cont'd)
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
(Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good ass-whuppin," then you may sit back and enjoy.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F__K OFF," you are absolved of your of responsibility.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
(with thanks to Maxim magazine. [url]www.maximmag.com[/url])