101 Things not to say to a cop

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - 101 Things not to say to a cop (Page 1 of 4)

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:17:08 AM EDT

Go ahead, what are they..........

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:18:06 AM EDT

[#1]

"Fuck you."

They never seem to appreciate this one.

"I'VE GOT A GUN!"

That one usually gets you dead quick.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:18:07 AM EDT

[#2]

Am I being detained......

ala Alex Jones

I pay your salary.....

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:18:40 AM EDT

[#3]

DON'T TAZ ME BRO!!

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:19:29 AM EDT

[#4]

Sure, you can search my truck.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:19:41 AM EDT

[#5]

"Do you know who i am"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:20:09 AM EDT

[#6]

Your laws don't apply to me, I'm a sovereign citizen.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:20:25 AM EDT

[#7]

"MMMMmmmmm, Bacon..."

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:20:48 AM EDT

[#8]

Oh, this thread has potential.

-K

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:21:08 AM EDT

[#9]

I'm traveling, and my business is my own.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:23:44 AM EDT

[#10]

I know what you are thinking… But there’s not a dead hooker in my trunk. Can I go now?

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:24:30 AM EDT

[#11]

Why yes, these are from Dunkin. Would you like one?

ETA:

Only a few beers.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:25:09 AM EDT

[#12]

Quoted:
DON'T TAZ ME BRO!!

Beat me to it!

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:25:32 AM EDT

[#13]

Quoted:
Why yes, these are from Dunkin. Would you like one?

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:25:58 AM EDT

[#14]

"What the hell is your problem?"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:28:55 AM EDT

[#15]

"But ociffer, there's no blood in my alcohol."

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:30:49 AM EDT

[#16]

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am, occifer!"

"You know, the aviators and porn mustache really aren't a substitute for being cool."

"Holy shit, I bet Krispy Kreme closes the store when they see you pull into the parking lot!"

"Meow."

"Did you find that badge in a Cracker Jack box?"

"Did you SEE how fast I took that curve?!"

"Your shoelace is untied."

"Hey there, cutie- oh, nevermind."

"Are you a man or a woman?"

"I'll let you play with my gun if you let me off the ticket."

"Wanna drag?"

"Hold my beer while I take a piss. Uh, sorry about your boots."

"Betcha can't catch me a second time."

"I don't want a pickle. I just wanna ride my motor-sickle. And I don't wanna die. I just wanna ride my motorcy. Cull."

"Are you Andy or Barney?"

"Just don't look in my trunk."

"Can you really look up my entire record on that computer of yours in the car?"

"Officer, I swear I'm just borrowing this car from a friend."

"Hey, didn't your little sister blow me in the bar men's room last week?"

"Your mother says 'hi'."

"You and what army?"

"Pull my finger."

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:31:04 AM EDT

[#17]

Surprised no one has posted this yet:

Chris Rock: How NOT to get Your Ass Kicked by the Police!!

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:32:58 AM EDT

[#18]

I'm a Free Stater.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:33:07 AM EDT

[#19]

I was not running from you, i saw your lights and was trying to get out of your way so you could pass, i thought you were after someone else

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:34:32 AM EDT

[#20]

If you're going to write me a ticket, get on with it and quit lecturing me.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:35:15 AM EDT

[#21]

My favorite!

Officer: Ma'am your eyes look bloodshot. Have you been smoking anything?

Lady: Sir, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:36:30 AM EDT

[#22]

Tubal cane

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:36:37 AM EDT

[#23]

I'm packin' 2 guns and 43 rounds of ammo.
Wa'choo got?

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:37:04 AM EDT

[#24]

"People would like you too; if you could have only passed the Firefighter test..."

They never liked to hear that one on scene.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:37:57 AM EDT

[#25]

"You asshole in a hat! You're holding me up jack! I'm trying to get to a party, I got people waiting for me, I got a trunk full of heroin, get the fuck outta my way willya! Outta my way!"

"Hey... you're a public servant. Get me a glass of water!"

"I own this car, I do as I please! I also own the road, my taxes paid for that! I own the car and I own the road! I OWN EVERYTHING GODDAMMIT!"

George Carlin, RIP

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:38:06 AM EDT

[#26]

Wanna see some naked pictures of your wife?

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:43:41 AM EDT

[#27]

"I pay your salary"

and of course the comeback is, "So your the cheap bastard"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:46:42 AM EDT

[#28]

But officer, I thought you said you didn't want to come out here again tonight...

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:46:57 AM EDT

[#29]

"Get a real job."

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:49:09 AM EDT

[#30]

In the back of the car:

"Off the record officer, seriously, she needed her ass kicked"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:49:51 AM EDT

[#31]

"Excuse me Centurion, can you direct me to the nearest vomitorium?

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:51:26 AM EDT

[#32]

"Is there any way we can settle this with sex?"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:52:11 AM EDT

[#33]

Quoted:
"Do you know who i am"

"Do you know who my father is?"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:52:17 AM EDT

[#34]

"ATTICA, ATTICA!"

"Nice mustache. Have you ever done any gay porn?"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:52:28 AM EDT

[#35]

Quoted:
"People would like you too; if you could have only passed the Firefighter test..."

They never liked to hear that one on scene.

Haha

Who wouldn't want to drive like fools to every call, BBQ, sleep, and watch the history channel while on duty? Watch houses burn to the ground and they still sing your praises AND bring you lemonade.

ETA: Cool, post #1000.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:52:29 AM EDT

[#36]

No, officer, I don't know how fast I was going. All the weed smoke in the car was making it hard to see the speedometer.

If you weren't wearing that badge you wouldn't be sh*t.

In the "This actually happened" category:

Woman flags down an officer. Officer stops. "Officer! I went to that house over there and gave that woman 20 dollars for some crack and she took my money and didn't give me no crack!!"

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:52:42 AM EDT

[#37]

These arn't my pants.

I just barely got here.

Two beers.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:53:13 AM EDT

[#38]

"You have to..." when they don't, and "You can't!" when they CAN!

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:54:17 AM EDT

[#39]

Quoted:
"I pay your salary"

and of course the comeback is, "So your the cheap bastard"

Woman: I thought you guys didn't give pretty girls tickets?

Cops:

You're right we don't.....press hard there are 5 copies.

Woman:

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:55:01 AM EDT

[#40]

"why don't you just walk back to your blueberry top, bacon cruising, dirtbag mobile, you pig"

That usually won't end too well.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:55:07 AM EDT

[#41]

Hey Roscoe, how's flash?

- AG

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:55:31 AM EDT

[#42]

Man you're so fat I bet you couldn't get in a foot pursuit if you wanted to.

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:56:50 AM EDT

[#43]

"Bet you can't put those cuffs on me......pussy."

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:57:23 AM EDT

[#44]

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Depends on how long you've been following me......

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:58:06 AM EDT

[#45]

Quoted:

Quoted:
"People would like you too; if you could have only passed the Firefighter test..."

They never liked to hear that one on scene.

Haha

Who wouldn't want to drive like fools to every call, BBQ, sleep, and watch the history channel while on duty? Watch houses burn to the ground and they still sing your praises AND bring you lemonade.

ETA: Cool, post #1000.

WooooT!

Posted: 11/18/2008 7:58:22 AM EDT

[#46]

Cop: You were speeding. Where are you going in such a hurry?

Me: I'm going to your house. Your wife is giving freebies, and I want to be in the front of the line.