Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good
for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."

Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a
time?"

Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

[smoke]

I love that one!

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, for starters, I don't think you should spank him."
---
A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
---
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
---
A doctor sat his patient down and said: "Well, I've got some good news & I have some bad news"
"Start with the bad news", the patient sad
"You have about 2 days to live", the Doctor answered
"SHIT", the patient shouted. "What's the good news?"
"See my new hot receptionist? I'm banging her"
---
A guy walks into a convience store, the sign says:
hamburgers- $2.00
Cheeseburgers- $3.00
Handjobs- $5.00
He asks the pretty young blonde cashier if she’s the one who give’s those $5 handjobs.
“why yes I am” she replied.
“Then wash your hands, and make me a cheeseburger.”
---
A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, “You’ve got to stop masturbating!”
“Why Doc,” he asked, “am I going blind?”
“No,” the Doctor explained, “but you’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!”
---
It was the second grade teacher’s birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.
Anna’s mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.
Robert’s parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.
Then it was little Johnny’s turn. Johnny’s dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher. When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.
“Is it wine?” the teacher asked.
“No, it’s not wine!” Johnny replied.
She tasted it again. “Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?”
“Nope, it’s not liquor!” said Johnny.
She tasted it again and was puzzled. “Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?”
Johnny was excited. “It’s a puppy!” he said.
---
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, “OK, now what?”

Bunghole, that last one is funny as hell, bro!

What's better than winning the gold at the Special Olympics?
Not being a retard.

What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
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Einstein's cock!

LOL!!!

That was a great way to start a friday...

Joke-posters rule!

The scene is an ol'-fashioned tent revival in the deep South.  The preacher is on fire and has the crowd worked into a frenzy.  "I tell you, brothers and sisters, there's only one way to enter the Kingdom of Heaven:  you got to confess your sins!"  A man in the front row jumps up and yells, "Preacher, I've known my neighbor's wife!"  "That's right, brother, you got to tell it all, you got to come clean and let the blood of the lamb cleanse your soul ..."  A woman in the middle of the crowd jumps up and says, "I've coveted my brother's property!"  "Yeah, sister, you got to TELL IT ALL, confess your sins ..."  A man on the very back row jumps up and says, "Preacher, I screwed a goat!"  The preacher stops in mid-stride, takes a deep breath, and says, "Brother, I think I'd a kept that to myself."

Blonde walks into a icecream shop.On the door is a sign that says :NO CHOCOLATE ICECREAM TODAY.

   She walks up to the counter and ask for a choolate ice cream cone.
 
The guy says Im sorry we are out of chocolate,I guess you didn't see the sign.Can I get you anything else.
 
Yeah,a bannana split with chocolate ice cream.
   
Mam I said were out of chocolate.can I get you anything else.
 
How about a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Were out of chocolate but can I get you anything at all.

How about a hot fudge with chocolate ice cream.

Mam can you spell the van in vanilla

 VAN

Can you spell the straw in strawberry.

STRAW

Can you spell the fuck in chocolate

Theres no fuckin chocolate

THATS WHAT I BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!

Guy goes to a doctor because his elbow hurts, doc says there is no problem after a few weeks of going to different doctors and hearing the same thing he finally hears about this doctor who is beta testing some high tech computer to diagnose his patients, so he goes to him doc hands him a cup for a urine sample, the doc dumps it into the computer and it does some things and doc looks at the printout and says there is noting wrong with you, you are completely healthy, thy guy argues that it can't be possible because his elbow still hurts, so the doc hands him a bill for $200 and says take a cup with him and he can come back in two weeks to try again. So the guy is all pissed about the bill for $200 so the night before his appointment the guy is still upset about the bill se he is like I'll fix his ass... has his wife pee in the cup, has his daughter pee in the cup, goes in the garage and drains a little tranny fluid in the cup and then goes and jerks off in the cup, takes it to the doctor the next day still thinking he'll get him good... Doc dumps it in the computer the computer starts going nuts and prints out 12 pages of stuff the doc in disbelief looks at the papers and says here is the deal....

Your wife has gohneria
Your daughter is pregnant
Your transmission its wiped
and if you don't stop jerking off your elbow will never get any better....

Actually, I'm feeling alot like the joke of the day!

Some ugly broad walks into a bar with a duck
under her arm.  The bartender asks: "Where did
you get that ugly pig?" The woman says: "This
happens to be a duck!"  The bartender says : "I
was talking to the duck!"  John

a man walks into a docters office and says docter im having trouble with my sex life. the doctor hands the man a a bottle of pills. ok sir just dont take more then 1 ok. the man comes back the next day doctor i took the pills i still am gavibng trouble getting it up. ok try it agien just take 2 pills this time. same thing happens. the next day the mans son comes in. the doctor says whats wrong? well last night my dad took the whole bottle. my moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts and hes wondering around the house saying Here kitty kitty.

A man goes to see a sex therapist.  He begins talking with the therapist and tells him his problem: " Doc, I've been married for 8 years, for some reason I just can't get it up anymore...".  Well, the therapist seems puzzled since the man appears to be only in his early 30's.  He thinks for a second and says, " Ya know, every now and then my wife and I begin having problems like that, sex just loses its excitement."  The man asks, " What do you do to solve the problem?"  He answers " I buy my wife some sexy lengerie, take her out to dinner, then we rent a romantic video and watch it together."  The man responds, " Great idea, I'll try it and see what happens."...
A week later the man comes back, the therapist sits him down " well sir, did you try what I said?"  "Yes I did".  "Tell me, how did it work?"  The man responds " It worked like a charm and by the way, you sure have a pretty wife."

Why do Canadians make love doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game on TV.

_____

A guy is working in his yard when the blonde next door comes out, walks down to her mail box, looks in, and goes back in the house.

Ten minutes later, she comes out again. Walks down the drive, looks in the mail box, slams the mail box door, and goes back inside.

Another ten minutes and she comes out again. She looks in the mail box, slams it shut, kicks it, and stomps up the driveway. The guy calls out, "Anything wrong?"

She says, "My stupid computer keeps saying I've got mail, and there's nothing there!"

_____

A guy is sitting at a bar drinking beer. He has been there for several hours, and the bartender realizes the guy haven't gone to the bathroom yet. The bartender keeps an eye on him, the guy drink about 4 or 5 more beers in the next hour and still no trip to the bathroom. Couple more beers and the guy gets up, walks over to the front door, stands in the doorway and unzips his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, you can't piss there."

The guy says, "I ain't gonna piss here. I'm gonna piss waaaaaay over there."

Why is it that in Afghanistan you cannot have driver's ed and sex education on the same day?



Too hard on the camels.