My short carrer as a taxi driver (yes yes, some day a real rain will come, so on and so forth) has come to a close, leaving me just a little more weary of this mold growing upon the rind of the Earth that some come to have referred to as 'humanity.'

So, it appears that a local youth center is accepting applications for teen suicide councelors. For some reason, this strikes me as being my 'dream job.'

As someone who is particularly disgusted with humankind, I'd be placed in a position to speak directly with depressed, angst-filled idiot teenagers that have a hard-on to end their lives!

Wow! Talk about oppurtunity! Let's run down a list of bullet points and compare and contrast the pros and cons of each!

- I utterly detest humanity.

Now, I can find myself enjoying particular human beings on an individual level. But as a collective, humans are a contemptable lot, deserving only to be purged, removed from this planet's face. If I'm sounding a bit like Ultron, so be it.

- Teenagers, in particular.

Jesus Fucking Christ, could there be any more a worthless lot than teenagers? Angsty, whiny, creepy, cry-ey little idiots who feel that the only proper route is self-destruction? Sniveling mealymouths who feel that the only thing they'll ever do to benefit society is to kill themselves? Dude, awesome! The only ideology they adhere to with which I can wholeheartedly agree!

- I can't be put in charge of atomics or some variety of orbital bombardment platform.

Let's be honest, folks. I'm neither an evil supergenius industrialist with the limits on my funding matching only the limits of my evil geniusness nor do I ever have any chance at becoming President of the United States, Commonwealth of Independent States, United Kingdom, France, or the People's Republic of China, so I run little to no chance of attaining access to a globe-scouring nuclear arsenal or a skyhook platform that could be used to launch attacks against populated targets anywhere in the world without fear of reprisal. I do, however, have a maniacal laugh, worthy of any supervillain.

Such goals are out of my grasp, sadly. So my dream of bathing the world in atomic fire or dropping stones from orbit, pockmarking the world with artificial meteors shall be forever relegated to the realms of my dreams and fantasies. Sadly.

- Personally murdering humans is laborious and well, just plain not fun.

What's the challenge, the excitement in personally ending one individual life at a time? Josef Stalin had a quotation famously attributed to him: "One death is a tragedy, One million deaths is but a statistic." Besides, look at what the 'Beltway Snipers' achieved? They took out a few inconsequentials, caused a few square miles of real estate to squirm for a few weeks, got caught, tried and executed. They were forgotten as quickly as they were discovered, replaced by some celebrity marriage and / or breakup. How much effort did they undertake, and in the end, they were still caught, tried and sentenced to death. And for what? A half-dozen corpses? Hardly worth the worldwide media attention they garnered.

Who wants to go through the tremendous effort they went through for such a low return on investment? As mass murderers, they proved to be nothing more than footnotes in a future edition of Serial Killers Throughout History, as terrorists, they've proven to be more ineffectual than Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. Will their names be remembered by anybody other than obsessive teenage girls who are totally enamored by idiots who enacted random acts of violence and create AIM screen names devoted to them?

No. They won't.

Besides, society frowns on murderers more than destruction-minded madmen that have access to their own weapons of mass destruction, oddly enough. The former is reviled whereas the latter has his face on postage stamps.


So! That being said, I feel that, being a civic-minded young man in the prime of my own life, and having shed a debilitating clinical depression that until oh-so-recently has filled my own head with thoughts of gruesome, grisly suicide, take up a job as a teenage suicide councelor? I find that being put in a position to inform dumb teenagers that the correct route IS to indeed shove that barrel into their mouths and pull the trigger with their toe IS INDEED the correct route to take!

Is that yellow nylon rope strong enough to support your three hundred pound frame? Indeed it is, but tying it to a cieling fan will prove comedic folly! Try to find something that would better support your weight, like an exposed beam or fire escape!

Have you tried immolation? It's the only way to be sure that pervy, creepy ambulance drivers won't remove your panties and add them to his collection. You'd hate to be remembered only as September 07 2005, your only worldy remains kept within a mylar bag, pressed firmly against an acid-free backing board and saved in a banker's box in said ambulance driver's basement, no would you? Besides, they'll sell gasoline, jerry cans and bic lighters to ANYONE, the same does not hold true with firearms, pills or liquor!

Have you really given thought to what your decision will do to your family? Have you truly taken the time to ask what would happen to your poor stepfather, you know, the one that got drunk all the time and broke your nose because you didn't do the dishes? Would think if you cut your throat and bled to death on that couch that he broke your fingers for because you wiped a booger on it? Yeah, that'd fucking show him! Blood all over that ugly fucking late-'70s orange-and-gold throwback that he loves more than you! Why, he'd be forced to throw that fucking thing to the curb, wouldn't he. Then who'd have the last laugh? That's right. YOU.

Did you know that when you stick a .243 Weatherby in your mouth and pepper the wall with your brains, that little flecks of skull and brain tissue get expelled so quickly that they embed in the shiny white bathroom tiles above your tub? That your little bits of gore will be moving so quickly that they leave little black pockmarks and scorches in the tile and grout? No, I bet you didn't!


I tell you, being a suicide councelor would be just plain tits!

Suicide help line, may I help you?

I think I'm gonna kill myself.

What a sec first. Do you have a gun?

Yes.

Whaddya want for it?

What?

Whaddya want for the gun? What kind of gun is it?

Oh, well, uh, it says Lorcin on the side of it.

Oh, ok. Well, pull that friggin trigger if that's all ya got.

BANG!



Suicide help line, may I help you?

I think I don't want to live.

Yeah, how old are ya?

15.

What's your mom look like?

What?

What's your mom look like? Cute? Ugly? What?

Yeah, she's cute, I guess?

Stay right where you are, I'll be right over.



Yep, I too can see this would be the right job for me!    

Now I know why I hang around here

Quoted: usera.imagecave.com/heyheybooboo/justdoit.jpg usera.imagecave.com/heyheybooboo/harikaribride.jpg

The bride better not do it, the Python is worth something  

A little tough love would do wonders for many of those teens.  
You'd be Leo Buscaglia on steroids!

i don't know, seems like a dying business to me

I did that for a short time.

Worst.

Job.

Ever.

Don't Jump!  "Why your life is worth living"

Quoted: Quoted: I did that for a short time. Worst. Job. Ever. How many confirmed kills did you get?

If he gives me a number higher than Hathcocks, I'll buy him a beer

Get someone you know to say "I hate myself" to you a hundred times.

That's the gist of a typical day.

Do you want to be depressed all the time?

After the death of my wife, my recent stroke and being unable to work I can tell you depression is not a joke. You should all experience what I have. Barring that you should all burn in hell. Edited to add, spell checker is your friend.

Quoted: After the death of my wife, my recent stroke and being unable to work I can tell you depression is not a joke. You should all experience what I have. Barring that you should all burn in hell.

Not a joke, but the original intent of the thread was

Quoted: Do you want to be depressed all the time?

Cause that's what exactly will happen.  That is not a job for just anyone, it takes a person with special skills to deal with/rescue those from the abyss that has consumed them.  If this is going to be "just another job" for you, DONT take it you could do a lot more harm then good.

Quoted: Quoted: I did that for a short time. Worst. Job. Ever. How many confirmed kills did you get?

I believe his nickname was 007    

Quoted: Quoted: I did that for a short time. Worst. Job. Ever. How many confirmed kills did you get?

I can neither confirm nor deny any kills, but after a week on the job I was ready to tell every suicide caller "I think in your case suicide may be the best way out."

Quoted: Quoted: Do you want to be depressed all the time? Cause that's what exactly will happen.  That is not a job for just anyone, it takes a person with special skills to deal with/rescue those from the abyss that has consumed them.  If this is going to be "just another job" for you, DONT take it you could do a lot more harm then good.

I think this job would be a big responsibility, with the ones who aren't just doing it for attention.


Whatever your decision, good luck, and keep us posted.

with a name like Meansteve I'm pretty sure you'll save a  lot of people.

Quoted: Not a joke, but the original intent of the thread was

No it isn't. I really, honestly, in the deep well of my heart want to reassure whiny idiots that suicide is the only solution to life's problems.

I want to do this because I'm, in part, compensating for the fact that I was at one point clinically depressed and suicidal and didn't actually have the guts to go through with it! If I can't live, then I'll live vicariously through the scads of teenagers with livejournals that complain that life isn't worth living!

I really do hate human beings that much!


Also, who the hell is 'Chuck Palahniuk'?

Quoted: usera.imagecave.com/heyheybooboo/justdoit.jpg usera.imagecave.com/heyheybooboo/harikaribride.jpg

Git er done

Sounds like the perfect job for Mr. Sunshine aka Taxman!

Quoted: After the death of my wife, my recent stroke and being unable to work I can tell you depression is not a joke. You should all experience what I have. Barring that you should all burn in hell.

Morbid sense of humor is one defense against depression, sir. Life is full of swift kicks in the balls; some of us get more than others, some of us get them harder than others. Deal with it, do the best you can & go to a gun show & tell 'em you're a retired SEAL.    

Otherwise, list your guns for sale????????

The next time my ex-wife calls your hotline, I hope she gets you!