Share what you've got.  My humble submission from several years ago in American handgunner Magazine.  What a classic.
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The Top Darwin Award winner Of ALL Time?

This award goes to an as-yet-unidentified dude who will receive his well deserved reward posthumously, as he has removed himself from the gene pool in a most extraordinarily stupid fashion.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got onto this historic event after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.  The more officers found, the stranger the case got, until they pulled back, regrouped, and launched a full scale investigation.

The following is the result of said investigation:

JATO units are basically huge cannisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve 'Jet Assisted Take Off', typically lifting big transports into the air from rough-ground short runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They were not, repeat not, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala.  But we guess - let's call him Zippy - didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

Ol' Zip apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long and lonely piece of straight-as-string highway in good repair.  Not suspecting that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the strip, a gentle rise on a sloping turn.

Anyways, the Zipster kicked the tires, lit the fires and ran his Chevy up to top speed.  And then, he hit the ignition on the JATO.

Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.  The pocket-calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the old Chevy up to "well in excess of 350mph", and continuing at "full burn" for another 20 - 25 seconds.

Early in that little sprint, at roughly the 2.5 mile mark, our human hollowpoint stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four 'skins' to liquefied trails on the pavement.

Remember that gentle rise on the turn?  That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt, and went for aerial honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated.  We'll never know how far and how high the Big Zip might have gone.  A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in the way, causing a serious violation in the laws of physics, as two chunks of matter cannot attempt to occupy the same space at the same time.  Zip gave it hell for trying though, and blasted a three foot deep crater in the terra-very-firma.

The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make, model and year.  As for Zip, only trace evidence was found of bone, teeth and hair in the crater, along with splinters of fingernail embedded in what is believed to be a piece of steering wheel.

And here to accept for....

he wins

Quoted: Share what you've got.  My humble submission from several years ago in American handgunner Magazine.  What a classic. > > The Top Darwin Award winner Of ALL Time? This award goes to an as-yet-unidentified dude who will receive his well deserved reward posthumously, as he has removed himself from the gene pool in a most extraordinarily stupid fashion. Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got onto this historic event after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.  The more officers found, the stranger the case got, until they pulled back, regrouped, and launched a full scale investigation. The following is the result of said investigation: JATO units are basically huge cannisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve 'Jet Assisted Take Off', typically lifting big transports into the air from rough-ground short runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers. They were not, repeat not, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala.  But we guess - let's call him Zippy - didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride. Ol' Zip apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long and lonely piece of straight-as-string highway in good repair.  Not suspecting that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the strip, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. Anyways, the Zipster kicked the tires, lit the fires and ran his Chevy up to top speed.  And then, he hit the ignition on the JATO. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.  The pocket-calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the old Chevy up to "well in excess of 350mph", and continuing at "full burn" for another 20 - 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly the 2.5 mile mark, our human hollowpoint stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four 'skins' to liquefied trails on the pavement. Remember that gentle rise on the turn?  That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt, and went for aerial honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated.  We'll never know how far and how high the Big Zip might have gone.  A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in the way, causing a serious violation in the laws of physics, as two chunks of matter cannot attempt to occupy the same space at the same time.  Zip gave it hell for trying though, and blasted a three foot deep crater in the terra-very-firma. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make, model and year.  As for Zip, only trace evidence was found of bone, teeth and hair in the crater, along with splinters of fingernail embedded in what is believed to be a piece of steering wheel.

Funny as this is, it's been  proven to be an urban legend.  Sorry to piss on your parade.  

Beat that, 47!

Cool story, never happened.

Quoted: Beat that, 47!

Quoted: Beat that, 47!

Give him credit, he tried

Quoted: Beat that, 47!

heheheheheheheheh

yeah, not only is it an urban legend, it's a really OLD uban legend....but it's a good read anyway.  

Snopes is your friend.

www.snopes.com/autos/dream/jato.asp

Bring out Grissom and his CSI team  . . . .

I knew that was an urban legend first time I heard it years back. No one, I repeat no one, would have done that without having some friends around to watch.
Hey guys, watch this....

Quoted: I knew that was an urban legend first time I heard it years back. No one, I repeat no one, would have done that without having some friends around to watch. Hey guys, Hold my beer andwatch this....

Fixed it for you

Quoted: Beat that, 47!

Give him time. He has tried he will try again.  

Here is my nomination:

WARNING: LINK IS OF A GRAPHIC NATURE!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

www.snopes.com/photos/decapitate.asp

To keep in the season!!

Confirmed True by Darwin

I'll Never Smoke Again, Mummy!
(31 October 1998, Canada) For Halloween this year, a Canadian man named Gary dressed as a mummy by wrapping himself from head to toe in fluffy cotton batting. The cotton was taped at the wrists and ankles, and white gloves and running shoes completed his fashionable ensemble.

As the mummy was waiting in the kitchen for his girlfriend to dress for pictures of their costumes, he carelessly lit a cigarette... and burst into flames, as the flammable costume ignited. His girlfriend rushed into the kitchen and dragged him into the yard before calling the fire department. An appalled group of trick-or-treaters learned the reason for flame-retardant costumes right there on the lawn of his grilfriend's Orillia home.

Firefighters arrived within minutes, and found his entire costume reduced to ashes, right down to the white coveralls underneath. Gary was covered with second- and third-degree burns. He was conscious and kept repeating, "It's my fault," apparently aware of his own role in the creation of this spectacular Darwin Award. He was pronounced dead at Soldier's Memorial Hospital early the next morning.

I always loved the story about the guy up in north central Minnesota that took his buddy, dog, and a brand spanking new truck out onto one of the lakes for some ice fishing.

Eyewitness acounts state the Darwin Candidtate drove out into the middle of the lake and set up camp.  Instead of using an auger he brought out a couple sticks of dynamite thinking he'd just blast some ice out of the way and drop in a few lines.

No sooner than he lit and threw the dynamite out onto the ice, the dog, thinking it was a game, ran after the stick, got it, and ran back to it's owner for some more fun.  The buddy, freaking out, pulled out a handgun and started shooting at the dog as it was running back.   The owner freaked out on the buddy and tackled him to the ice as they both slid toward the truck.  The dog, totally scared, ran under the truck to hide, stick in it's mouth.

Well.....when the dynamite went off it blew out the ice which cause the two guys, dog, and new truck to sink tragically to the bottom of the lake.

That's a precious story!!!

I like this one for the last line:


1999 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor.

Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of .353 grams of alcohol per 100 ml of blood, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%.

After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent.

A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43%, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening.

It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

Quoted: A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43%,

That, my friends, is championship drinking.

Quoted: Share what you've got.  My humble submission from several years ago in American handgunner Magazine.  What a classic. > > The Top Darwin Award winner Of ALL Time? This award goes to an as-yet-unidentified dude who will receive his well deserved reward posthumously, as he has removed himself from the gene pool in a most extraordinarily stupid fashion. Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got onto this historic event after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.  The more officers found, the stranger the case got, until they pulled back, regrouped, and launched a full scale investigation. The following is the result of said investigation: JATO units are basically huge cannisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve 'Jet Assisted Take Off', typically lifting big transports into the air from rough-ground short runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers. They were not, repeat not, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala.  But we guess - let's call him Zippy - didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride. Ol' Zip apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long and lonely piece of straight-as-string highway in good repair.  Not suspecting that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the strip, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. Anyways, the Zipster kicked the tires, lit the fires and ran his Chevy up to top speed.  And then, he hit the ignition on the JATO. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.  The pocket-calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the old Chevy up to "well in excess of 350mph", and continuing at "full burn" for another 20 - 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly the 2.5 mile mark, our human hollowpoint stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four 'skins' to liquefied trails on the pavement. Remember that gentle rise on the turn?  That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt, and went for aerial honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated.  We'll never know how far and how high the Big Zip might have gone.  A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in the way, causing a serious violation in the laws of physics, as two chunks of matter cannot attempt to occupy the same space at the same time.  Zip gave it hell for trying though, and blasted a three foot deep crater in the terra-very-firma. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make, model and year.  As for Zip, only trace evidence was found of bone, teeth and hair in the crater, along with splinters of fingernail embedded in what is believed to be a piece of steering wheel.

Hey I found a pic of Zippy.  Apparently Zippy looks a lot like 47:

Quoted: A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43%, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

Your BAC would be a hell of a lot higher than .43% if you drank that much in 100 minutes.  More like 4.3%.

Back in the '80s, I remember that one of my neighbors, a chronic alchoholic for decades, was pulled over for a broken tail light.  Her BAC was well over .3%, yet she was so hardened to it that she wasn't even driving poorly.  She died a couple of years later...

I agree, but how long would they have hung around after he hit the cliff ?  

Chris

Quoted: I knew that was an urban legend first time I heard it years back. No one, I repeat no one, would have done that without having some friends around to watch. Hey guys, watch this....

All I can say is dont do while doing

Didnt the guys on Mythbusters debunk this one already?

Quoted: Tell us the one about the old Chevy for sale in the widder Jones barn.

It was a Vette that the dead person had decomposed in, Dickweed.

Get your insults straight.

Quoted: Bring out Grissom and his CSI team  . . . . hr

+1

Forgot about this one

http://www.thegunzone.com/darwin04.html    

Graphic

Since this IS a firearm board and all...................



28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.

Two that come to mind are the raghead torching himself in the process of burning the American flag and the guy who tried to nail himself to a cross and couldn't do both hands so he ended up calling the police for help.

CW

Quoted: Quoted: ....Share what you've got.  My humble submission from several years ago in American handgunner Magazine.  What a classic. ........ Tell us the one about the old Chevy for sale in the widder Jones barn.

Hey QCMGR, I just noticed your avatar.  I assume you are/were in the Cav?
Which and where? Just curious as I'm also Cav, 1/17 baby!

I believe you'll find the truck through the ice
story is bogus, too.
Incidently, another variation ishat the guys were
duck hunters..(thus the presence of the dog).

Quoted: I believe you'll find the truck through the ice story is bogus, too. Incidently, another variation ishat the guys were duck hunters..(thus the presence of the dog).

Ok so why the TNT then?

Not sure if this is really true or not, but it's a very entertaining read....

www.rocketcarstory.com/

The internet would be a scary place without snopes.com

I think these Einsteins deserve the award for concluding that destroying American APCs does not result in getting your asses... OWNED.


"Sticks and stones may bruise your bones,
But Helos will wax your ass into oblivion"

Quoted: Quoted: Bring out Grissom and his CSI team  . . . . +1

Sorry guys, wrong State.

This one is true:

The incredible flight of Larry Walters, a 33-year-old Vietnam veteran and North Hollywood truck driver with no pilot or balloon training, took place on 2 July 1982. Larry filled 45 weather balloons with helium and tethered them in four tiers to an aluminum lawn chair he purchased at Sears for $110, loading his makeshift aircraft (dubbed the "Inspiration I") with a large bottle of soda, milk jugs full of water for ballast, a pellet gun, a portable CB radio, an altimeter, and a camera.

Donning a parachute, Larry climbed into his chair from the roof of his girlfriend's home in San Pedro while two friends stood at the ready to untether the craft. He took off a little earlier than expected, however, when his mooring line was cut by the roof's sharp edges. As friends, neighbors, reporters and cameramen looked on, Larry Walters rocketed into the sky above San Pedro. A few minutes later Larry radioed the ground that he was sailing across Los Angeles Harbor towards Long Beach.

Walters had planned to fly 300 miles into the Mojave Desert, but the balloons took him up faster than expected and the wind didn't cooperate, and Walters quickly found himself drifting 16,000 feet above Long Beach. (He later reported that he was "so amazed by the view" that he "didn't even take one picture.") As Larry and his lawnchair drifted into the approach path to Long Beach Municipal Airport, perplexed pilots from two passing Delta and TWA airliners alerted air traffic controllers about what appeared to be an unprotected man floating through the sky in a chair.

Meanwhile, Larry, feeling cold and dizzy in the thin air three miles above the ground, shot several of his balloons with the pellet gun to bring himself back down to earth. He attempted to aim his descent at a large expanse of grass of a north Long Beach country club, but Larry came up short and ended up entangling his tethers in a set of high-voltage power lines in Long Beach about ten miles from his liftoff site. The plastic tethers protected Walters from electrocution as he dangled above the ground until firemen and utility crews could cut the power to the lines (blacking out a portion of Long Beach for twenty minutes). Larry managed to maneuver his chair over a wall, step out, and cut the chair free. (He gave away the chair to some admiring neighborhood children, a decision he later regretted when his impromptu flight brought him far more fame than he had anticipated.)

Larry, who had just set a new altitude record for a flight with gas-filled clustered balloons (although his record was not officially recognized because he had not carried a proper altitude-recording device with him) became an instant celebrity, but the Federal Aviation Administration was not amused. Unable to revoke Walters' pilot's license because he didn't have one, an FAA official announced that they would charge Walters "as soon as we figure out which part [of the FAA code] he violated."

Larry hit the talk show circuit, appearing with Johnny Carson and David Letterman, hosting at a New York bar filled with lawn chairs for the occasion, and receiving an award from the Bonehead Club of Dallas while the FAA pondered his case.

After Walters' hearing before an agency panel, the FAA announced on 17 December 1982 that they were fining him $4,000 for violating four regulations: operating "a civil aircraft for which there is not currently in effect an air-worthiness certificate," creating a collision danger to other aircraft, entering an airport traffic area "without establishing and maintaining two-way communications with the control tower," and failing to take care to prevent hazards to the life and property of others. Larry quickly indicated that he intended to challenge the fines, stating sardonically that if "the FAA was around when the Wright Brothers were testing their aircraft, they would never have been able to make their first flight at Kitty Hawk." He also informed the FAA (and reporters) that he couldn't possibly pay the fine, because he'd put all the money he could save or borrow into his flight.

In April the FAA signalled their willingness to compromise by dropping one of the charges (they'd decided his lawnchair didn't need an air-worthiness certificate after all) and lowering the fine to $3,000. Walters countered by offering to admit to failing to maintain two-way radio contact with the airport and to pay a $1,000 penalty if the other two charges were dropped. The FAA eventually agreed to accept a $1,500 payment because "the flight was potentially unsafe, but Walters had not intended to endanger anyone."

After Larry told interviewers that he didn't have a job or money and could use all the help he could get, patrons at Jumbo's Diner in Port Richmond, California, took up a collection for him. Despite his punishment, Walters didn't rule out the possibility of another flight. "We've been looking at the Bahamas and a couple of other possibilities. It depends on whether or not I can get somebody to finance it, because I sure can't," he stated.

Although Larry Walters never made another balloon flight, he did inspire someone else to try the same feat. On 1 January 1984, a licensed pilot, parachutist, and chute rigger named Kevin Walsh outfitted himself with 57 weather balloons, each six feet in diameter. Armed with five knives and carrying a parachute, Walsh tethered himself to the helium-filled balloons (no chair) and took off from Minuteman Airfield in Stow, Massachusetts, at 7:00 AM on New Year's Day. He shot into the sky even faster than Larry had, hitting the 1,000-foot mark in twelve seconds, reaching 6,000 feet in two minutes, and peaking at 9,000 feet after four minutes.

When one of Walsh's balloons popped, he came back down to 6,000 feet and settled in to enjoy the view. He had wrapped his tether lines in foil in the hope that they would show up on radar, and, sure enough, he was picked up on the screens of controllers at Boston's Logan airport, where he produced a radar blip the size of three stacked jetliners. After a 45-minute flight Walsh cut himself free of the balloons and parachuted to the ground, landing in Hudson and walking away. Kevin claimed that he had been planning his flight for seven years and did it "just to make a positive statement about mankind." Walters had been his inspiration: "I had to commend him for his ingenuity. That's when my dream hooked up with reality." Kevin Walsh soon found himself the recipient of the same kind of attention as his hero when he was cited with four violations of FAA regulations and fined $4,000.

Although Walters' flight brought him instant fame, it never proved very lucrative for him. He was paid a few hundred dollars here and there for television appearances and made a little money as a motivational speaker, but it wasn't until Timex paid him $1,000 in 1992 to appear in print advertisements featuring "adventurous individuals wearing Timex watches" that he saw any real payoff. Even then, he still hadn't recouped the estimated $4,000 it had cost him to make the flight ten years earlier.

Not much else in life worked out for Larry, either — he broke up with his girlfriend of fifteen years, his speaking career didn't pan out, and he worked only sporadically as a security guard. On 6 October 1993, Larry hiked to one of his favorite spots in Angeles National Forest and put a bullet through his heart. It was a sad end for the man who had made one the most celebrated flights since Lindbergh, a man who said, "It was something I had to do. I had this dream for twenty years, and if I hadn't done it, I think I would have ended up in the funny farm. I didn't think that by fulfilling my goal in life — my dream — that I would create such a stir and make people laugh."

Remarkably, Walters seemingly original plan to float up into the sky in a chair tethered to balloons then shoot them down one by one when he wanted to return to terra firma was eerily presaged by an E.B. White piece which appeared in The New Yorker sometime between 1936 and 1954. Popping up in a 1984 collection of E.B. White tales, the pieces titled "Professor Picard Before" and "Professor Picard After" recount the saga of an adventurous professor who believed he could travel to the outer spheres in a basket attached to 2,000 toy balloons and would be able to bring himself back down by shooting out some of them. This being a work of fiction, though Picard descends in flames, he emerges unhurt and choked with laughter.

Sightings:   A fictionalized version of Larry Walters' story was the basis for the musical "The Flight of the Lawn Chair Man," which played in Philadelphia in 2000.

Last updated:   21 December 2000


cut and pasted from snopes.

But Lawn Chair Man wasn't a Darwin award winner, since he didn't die or lose his ability to reproduce as a result of his stunt.

My favorite was the one in WA state, where some guy walked past a cop cruiser, into a gun store, and announced a robbery -- waving his knife around.  It was a race between the cops and the clerks to see who could shoot the guy first.  (True, but I don't have a link.)