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Posted: 10/1/2004 5:13:57 PM EDT
I've never been a parent, so share with me the emotional consequences of realizing you are a parent and responsible for another human being.
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The first time you look into eye that look just like yours that are looking back at you, and you realize RIGHT THEN that this life that you helped to create and bring into the world is TOTALLY dependent on you for everything, your life will gain new meaning. In some cases, it will be the first time many understand their place and purpose. For others, such as myself, you find the meaning that has been lost for awhile.
It is both joyous and scary. The good thing is that the positives outweigh the negatives a hundred fold. It is true that you are giving up a lot, especially the first few years. But you gain back so much more. Congratulations. |
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Well, I have a 3.5 year old son and my wife is due to give birth to my second son in the next 2-4 weeks so the timing is perfect!
I can tell you it has changed me DRAMATICALLY. Weird thing was, though, that it didn't happen at the moment of birth like a 'ton of bricks.' It actually set in gradually over the first few weeks. Even now, I still realize new feelings and understand new ways it has changed me with every new experience I share with my son. On the one hand, there is the 'responsible for another life' aspect that you asked about. And yes, the clarity of things when weighed against that measure is astounding. In other words, you can ask 'what would you do if faced with situation X,' like maybe witnessing a robbery at a 7-11. Would you intervene? Would risk your life to save the guy behind the counter? You're likely to say yes or probably, after thinking about it for a second, and probably mean it. However, applying a question like that against my current situation - would I take a bullet to save my son's life? Its not just the fact that I can say yes before you finish the question, its the fact that I MEAN IT it the deepest parts of my very soul. Its hard to explain what conviction of that magnitude feels like, but it is intense. I would give my life without hesitation for my son. I would sacrifice everything I have in this world to make things better for him, without regret, without a microsecond of hesitation. But... That is kind of the 'negative' side of the changes, if that makes any sense. The far more dramatic change for me, at least in long-lasting terms, came from his discovery of this world around him. I am only 32 but for several years had become jaded and cynical FAR beyond my years. But that has changed so much.... Perhaps the thing I cherish most about life now is being a part of my son's discovery of his world. He sees everything as new and amazing, and I remember what that was like. IMHO, THIS is the most impactful and precious change that comes along with fatherhood. You hold the keys to everything your child will see and do, how he will come to know and interact with this world, what kind of man or woman they will become. Everything else you do in life becomes in support of the life you want to give your child. You really learn what matters and what doesn't. It puts everything into a perspective that most non-parents just can't fully appreciate. They may understand, but not truly appreciate. OK, that was pretty damn wordy and probably makes little sense but, you asked! |
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Two words for youUn-F-ing believeable
I love it. It has made me a better man. Congrats. You're gonna love it. |
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In order of appearance:
Scared- I have no clue how to raise myself, much less another human being. Wife tells me I'm an overgrown pre-schooler with 5 o'clock shadow, now I'm gonna be responsible for one? Crap, I'm doomed. Kid's gonna grow up to be a democrat, or some other sorta pervert. Apprehensive- Every thought of every minute ends with the words ".........now that we're gonna have a baby." You start to catalog the changes that are coming, and rearranging plans and schedules to accommodate. Excited- Parents, wife, neighbors all overjoyed with the news. You get caught up in their excitement. Scared Again- Wife's body and temper go berserk. Labor/delivery are best viewed only by trained medical staff. Your father and his father were smart...there is a reason you should read Field and Stream in the waiting room, view wife and child only after a thorough cleansing, and pass out cigars before passing out yourself. Zombie Stage- This is not a child, it's some sort of Nazi scientist sleep-deprivation experiment. Day and night cease to exist for a month or two. You find yourself contemplating just exactly how much NyQuil added to formula will make the beast sleep for 3 hours, but not kill it. Wife helps with your calculations. I could go on, but this isn't really answering your question, is it? Serious answer? Hmmmmm. Fatherhood will make you realize there is something more important than yourself in this world. This is no longer the clean_cut show, staring clean_cut. Sorry I can't express myself any better. I don't do well dealing in emotions and feelings, I tend to deal in thoughts and reasoning. The subject matter doesn't lend itself to my means of expression. Did I help? |
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Don't pull out and find out for yourself. It's a magical experience.
HS1 |
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Thanks Rob, you just saved me a lot of typing. One thing I will add. Kids have this nack of making you forget about being in a bad mood, especially when it comes to them. Just when you think you are going to snap due to stress, they do something that makes you smile. To me there is nothing more rewarding then kids, and they are definitely the most important purpose one can have in life. |
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All of the above are great answers!
Some other things: Some spiritual 'phenomenon' make sense. Ex. Around 2+months you realize fact from fiction concerning spiritual corruption. What you realize is that we are BORN already corrupted--we are further influenced by things around us. ie--if you are a christian believer, indwelling sin makes sense. Boys are boys and girls are girls: Boys 'know' what sound a truck or tractor makes and girls 'know' how to manipulate quickly. In the future: Discipline your child!! This practice may soon get you thrown in jail, but you are still responsible for him/her. Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death. Another translation words it: 'Do not be a willing party to his death'. You will mature quickly... |
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Uh, yeah me too...spooky. |
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I can only tell you from a mother point of view, you're wife, no matter how sophisticated she may be, will reduce herself to the primitave level of a bear protecting her cub. That the urgent call of "Mommy!" will cause her to drop her best dish without hesitation. No matter how many years she has invested in a career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. Everyday decisions will no longer be routine. Her life will be of less value to her, she would give it up in a moment to save her child, and yet hope for more years to watch the accomplishments of her child. She will fall in love again with the man who once was so exciting to go out with, but now for much more unromantic reasons...to stay home and take care of baby.
You'll never regret it. |
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Got 4 from 18 to 2, damn great experience except for 1 thing. Say goodbye to your money. But for some strange reason you don't really mind.
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Theres no "baby mama" in my life so I wouldn't know, though I came close to it (pregnancy freak out and one time where the kid wasn't mine). Having a child is something I look forward to (once I find a mentally stable female)
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Good luck finding her......you should just adopt now and get it over with! |
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My son just turned 5 months old. It seems like we just found out the wife was pregnant yesterday.
It seems like everthing moves so fast in this world, but when you come home from a hard day at work, walk in the door and see that smiling little face looking at you, everything stops. You realize just how lucky you are and for a little while at least, you forget all the things that may have been bothering you. Yep, your whole life is about to change and you are going to love it! I hope this makes some sense, I am not very good at saying things like this. Oh yeah, the hormone thing is kinda rough, but you will be glad for the "patience and understanding" lessons later. |
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It totally changed me in ways I didn't think possible.
First of all, you get patience...you don't have any choice. I was the most impatient person in the world till I had kids. Second, you don't notice it when you're miserable...I tend to ignore things that used to annoy the hell out of me now. But perhaps the most significant change is the way you see the future. It's no longer about you, or what YOU will accomplish with your life. It's suddenly all about what THEY will accomplish, what THEY will do. It's the most incredible thing that can ever happen to you, and it's really hard to describe. |
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How does it change you? The answer is how doesn't it change you? I'll be honest, I hardly remember who I was before I had a son. And I don't miss the old guy at all. Adios.
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The greatest experience of your life! The strangest thing is when they look EXACTLY like your baby pictures.
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I have got three, 6, 3, and 4 months.
Great stuff, only I miss sleeping. Not much else. Children make you realize how empty your life was before them. |
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Saving this quote for later. Danny |
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Parenthood huh?
Well, as one who, with my missus has a thirty year old, a twenty eight year old...AND a seven and five year old, I think I just might have finally figured this out. Virtually all of the advice offered is right on the money. Children are hard to raise; they use up all of your treasure, they can be exceptionally fun and equally frustrating. On the whole, they are real joys and well worth it...BUT you need to ask yourself if YOU are ready for the decades of sacrifice? Some aren't and make terrible parents. My dad was one. Just to help a bit here are some simple tests to see if you're really ready:
P.S.: My missus saw this and says that most of these are for the womenz 'cause we don't do squat! Not sure I agree with her...but I'm not going to do so publicly anyway. |
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THe most important question...with children....is....
DO THEY TASTE BETTER BOILED OR FRIED!?!?!?!?! he |
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Until you are a parent, you have no idea what love feels like. The love for your child can be compared to nothing else. To look at your children and know that they are a part of you and a part of someone you love is unbelievably overwhelming. To watch your child grow and learn about life - each experience is amazing.
Parenthood is also a new experience filled with fear. Fear when your child is sick; fear of what the future holds for your child. Your priorities change. You are no longer the most important person in the world - your child is. Even if you are the most shy easy going person imaginable, you will become a 'mother bear' pretecting her cub if you feel your child is in any danger or being hurt in any way. You will do anything to make your child safe and happy. Parenthood is wonderous experience. No matter what is posted on here, you can not begin to imagine the emotion you will feel when you look at your child. It is such an overwhelming experience that words can not come close to describing; it is impossible to imagine what it is like until you experience it yourself. |
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Parenthood will also make the love you have for your own parents strong. Assuming you had good parents, a stong relationship with them and you have no hangups or bitterness from childhood, all you can do is expect to see your father and mother in your mind all the time when you interact with your own children. How many times have we said something to our kids and we actually hear our own parents saying it?
The redemption my parents get from watching me raise my kids as they did with me is priceless. Their expression says it all- "And now you know..." |
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when they turn into teenagers, they become a major strain on the wallet
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When they are little its great . Then they become little people which is also good . Then once you get through the mid teens ( If you survive ) it gets better again .
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It made me happy to know that I can reproduce w/ the help of my hubby's swimmers.
Being a parent to our almost 3 year-old made us happier b/c it's joy to hear her and see her shine. Of course, there are ups and downs with having kids. Being in a marriage has its ups and downs too. |
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I want to come home to a fridge full of beer and an address book every night :)
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A lot of good replies. I cannot top them, but concer with almost every one.
Basically, your life will come in second to a new and true higher calling. When it happens, it's not a belief, but it's who you are. You see yourself as your child, and in your childs eyes, at time when magic is real. Sad, how it all dies when we get older. |
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Here's a new twist:
Made/makes me feel a bit of guilt. Guilt for bringing him into a world so chock full of terrible people. It is my mission to see him thru it and protect him, so one day he can fight the good fight. I all too aware of the beautiful things in life, but much, much more aware of the monsters that roam amongst us. AZ(timeforapsychtest?)K9 |
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I DO however fear for other people's kids at the playground....my son is 6-0 in the sandbox! These are things you'll will try to control and usually lose at.....
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Well, I inheritted a 17 year old when I married my wife and he does nothing but sit on his bed and play video games or wtch tv or play on his computer. I've given up trying to get him to get off his ass and get a job and I'm just waiting until next year when he goes to college. As far as having others... I just really don't see what useful purpose a child would serve?!?!
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A strain on the wallet?! I wish it were that easy - they are a bigger strain on your nerves and patience. I still love them though! And it does get better. I would not change a thing - I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. |
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Good Point… You grow up, I mean really grow up and realise this 'little person' is the most important thing in the Universe… more import than life itself.
Bad Point… You will be poor for the next 18 years! Is it worth it? Hell yes!!! Andy |
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It just happened to me in the last ten days.
There are no words that adequately describe how I feel, nor how I know my life has changed. I can try, but it will not even be a tenth of the actual feeling. In short, it used to be about me and my wife. The first time my daughter looked at me and I realized that here was this entire new little person, that I helped create, and that is totally dependent on me for everything, well, it was an epiphany. Imagine the most joy you've ever felt, mulitiplied by a factor of 1000, but accompanied by a feeling that you're gonna blow chunks and shit yourself at the same time, 'cause you ain't sure you're up to this. In short, it's the most humbling and exhilarating feeling in the world.
+1. It's amazing how much different my views of things have changed now that I have a little one to protect. I was an old-Teastament, Code of Hammurabi justice type of guy before, but now I'm 100% worse. I realize now that I would quite literally do anything, even die myself, to protect that little life. Anything. Needless to say it's in anyone's best interests that they not harm or attempt to harm, hell, even THINK about harming her in any way. It makes me thankful that I made the decision not to be a sheep long ago as well. SG |
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I have 2 (daughter in college, son in high school)
when they're young, they are a treasure. now thet're just 2 more people on earth I have to yell at. |
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Man what can I say(as my 15 month old is climbing up intommy armsas wespeak to give a hug,pull my beard and hit me on the head at the same time.) He also insists on sticking his fingers in your mouth!All of them are awesome! I have a 14 year old girl, she lives in S.C. with her mom, a 5 year old outside right now playing in his sand box, and said 15 month old watching Oobi. Best thing my wife andI ever done!
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Hahahahahaha The ONLY reason I'd ever even consider having kids is so that I could screw with their minds. Kids will believe anything. It would be hilarious to tell them that Danish tradition demands they wear wooden clogs to school during all of elementary school! ... oh, and maybe I'd tell them that they're not really my kids, but I bought them from Gypsies - and if they don't behave I'm going to return them! yeah - it's probably for the best that I'm not having kids |
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My Daugher had an auto accident today. She was on a road that had just been surface treated (today) . Lots of loose gravel. In a KYA curve she hit the brakes and about the same time another vehicle came the other direction. Her car swapped ends and the operator of the other vehicle reacted and went over a bank. Everyone is ok, both vehicles driven away from scene.
Scared the crap outta me when I got the call. She was written for wreckless driving. It could have been worse, much worse. Let them know and feel that you Love them. The words alone don't mean much without hugs and kisses every now and then. Danny |
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