Anhedonia: The pathological inability to derive pleasure from shopping malls, overwork, urban squalor, indigestion and chronic lumbago.

Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it is worth repeating 9,614 times a day.

Freedom of Speech: The inalienable right of all Americans to have their opinions shouted down by the self-appointed guardians of political correctness.

Liberal: One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except thoses with which he disagrees; a benevolent soul who advocates progressive measures for the sake of people with whom he would never associate.

Liberal Arts: A family of academic disciplines embracing the sublimest achievements of humankind in literature, art, philosophy, music and statecraft through the ages; the traditional education for a lifetime of social maladjustment, periodic unemployment, teeth-gnashing, and a wide range of underpaid careers.

Math Anxiety: An intense lifeloing fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

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Positive Thinking: Self-Improvement through Self-Deception.

Progress: The public illusion that everything is getting better and better, coupled with the private suspicion that it's only getting more and more complicated.