Dood, if'n he coulda', he woulda'!

Never seen a dude with both a camel toe AND a FUPA.

Dayum!

My dad was full of these stories. Here's a good one.





So he's in a squad car with a buddy who was a Phoenix cop. They are going to lunch or something. They get a call about a train wreck. They show up at the train wreck. What happened was, an illegal was stowed away on a train, going from Las Angeles to Phoenix. But the train did not stop, so he unhitched the car. The conductor realized the car was missing so he stopped the train. The car was still moving, too fast to jump off, so Mr. Illegal got squished. The cars he was squished between were carrying corn.





So, they get out of the car and walk up, and see the a bunch of blood and gut soaked corn. The cop says, "Hey look, fresh menudo!"



ETA: I am often told I have a really fucked up sense of humor. The primary reason is I heard stories like this at dinner for as far back as I can remember.



 

I did a ride along with an ARFCOM member. It was pretty fun.

*Snort

Noice!

A buddy who's a cop in the next town had a good one with a train.

Guy hitches a ride, falls asleep. He wakes up hours later, it's dark, and he realizes he'd better jump off the train, as he doesn't want to miss the town. Guy rolls out, Sir Isaac Newton takes over, as guy's train is going across a bridge over the main street through town.

Guy bounces off an awning over the greenway, 30 feet below. A biker using the greenway bike path hits the guys prostrate body, does a Flying W over the handlebars. Both get an ambulance ride.

I did have a ride along with me on a naked girl call...   I was told when I started the job, "You'll see naked women....   but not the naked women you want to see".  The naked rule.

So this chick OD's on something...  I don't even remember what.  (sounded almost like excited delirium but she ended up living)  My rider responded with me into the house because a) my backup was a way's off, b) the squad was waiting until it was "safe", and c) I'd known him since we were little so I knew I could trust him.   Anyway, this chick is wearing a pair of basketball shorts.   She's totally out of her goddamn mind, flailing around like a fish out of water.   Then takes her clothes off.   So...  model-eque, in shape, well groomed body, with a head that looks like a freshly fed extra in Dawn of the Dead.   Totally covered in blood from smacking it on something in the area.   As a latex glove wearing gentlemen, I was able to not get bit while assisting her family in getting her dressed before the squad guys got there.

I'm still not sure if I can count that as an exception to the rule.

  Did the jumper make it?

Bounced back in no time.

You could be screaming bloody murder, and a few guys show up.

Call out with one naked girl; guys the next county over will respond.

Phew. Good thing the ground was there to break his fall!

And it was just a little bump in the road for the biker right?

Gravity, it's not just a good idea, it's the law!

He ramped that dude like Evel Knievel jumping the Snake River.

One of our frequent flier addresses came up last week, as my shift partner is training a new guy. FSA male and female are going at it...again. (side note: FSA female is known to be turning tricks, smoking tons of crack, and "universal precautions" are required when having any contact with her ) I beat the trainee car there, only to find that a nearby deputy responded to assist and beat both of us there. Deputy is now standing on the porch, flashlight in hand, looking into the open door of the house.



I begin to walk across the yard to see if I can help as the trainee car pulls up behind mine. Just before the trainee gets out, I hear the deputy say, "Jesus Christ! XXX (female), put your fucking clothes on!" I froze in mid-step, turned on my heel and walked back toward the approaching trainee and said, "Officer XXX, have fun." He just looked at me as the realization spread across his face of what he was probably getting himself into.



His face literally went through stages like

OP, great story.  I got lucky, my supervisor would usually skip me when it came to picking people to babysit a RA.  Unless I invite you, I don't want you in my car.  

I had a shift  partner who's cousin loved to RA with him.  The guy is a school teacher who always wanted to be a cop.  The guy was an idiot and didn't listen very well.  

Mom calls 911 and tells dispatch that she is not at home, but her son is, he's 21 and has a felony warrant and want's his spoiled ass to learn a lesson.  She provides dispatch with all the information such as garage code, hidden key, alarm information, etc.....  States he's drunk and passed out.  

We get to the house, partner's RA is unequivocally told to stay in the car.  3 of us roll into the house to clear it and find JR.  Partner and I clear basement and get to main floor when we hear "CRASH BOOM BANG, AAAA OUCH FUCK!"  We haul ass up to the second floor and see our third copper on top of JR. and the RA on the pile swinging his 4 d mag light like it was Rodney King.  

We got bad guy, and it turns out the OUCH FUCK came from our copper when the RA swung the mag light and broke our coppers hand.  

We all had a chat with our shift partner (good copper btw) and his RA cousin never rode again.......  Actually, he took him back to the station and disappeared his ass right quick as we were all pretty pissed of.

Insert the Nope NOPE NOPE  gif.  lol

Wow

My dad has a good one about a guy on PCP, but ass naked swinging a metal lock box around in the reflecting pool at the national mall. My father and 2 other cops had to go in an extricate the guy. Well if you have never been to the national mall one thing you should know is that the water is not chlorinated. It's scummy nasty stagnate water basically, or at least it was at that time of year. Needless to say the cops were not amused by this task. One they finally wade in and get to the guy it becomes clear that they wont be talking him down. He is yelling, screaming  nonsense and obsceneties, and has no intention of surrendering to these demons (at least as far as he can tell being blasted out of his mind on PCP and whatnot) that are there to drag him off to hell. So the three of them decide pepper spray would be the best alternative to get him to reevaluate his life choices. Yeah, that had zero effect despite macing the shit out of him. About that time he lunged at them swing the metal lock box. This cause them to first accidentally mace the shit out of each other, and second for one of them to get nailed up side the head with the box. You know how I mentioned they weren't amused by having to wade out in scumy water to wrestle some naked guy? Yeah this really pissed them off. At this point they reached the consensus without any verbalization that they were bringing an ass whooping with them. They pulled out their big ass mag lites and absolutely smashed the shit out of this guy (this was back when that sort of thing was still acceptable and when big D cell maglites where carried). In fact, if I remember correctly they clocked this guy in the head so hard he end up going to the hospital unconscious with a skull fracture.  Long story short they knocked the shit out of him and dragged him unconscious out of the reflecting pool. I'm sure there is a moral to the story in there somewhere, but I have always found it a bit funny.

Several years ago at my old agency, I get called to an apartment complex to met our drug investigator.  When I get there, he tells me that the wife of a prospective CI had called him and told him that he was going crazy.

I go inside, and yup, the tweaker had gone crazy.  See, he suddenly decided that his apartment was bugged, so he set out to find the hidden cameras.  First, he decided that the clock on the face of his VCR didn't look right, so he took that apart.  Then, he heard a camera click as he walked by the fridge, so he tore into that as well.

While we were standing there, he went to show us the camera in the wall outlet by the sink.  He pulls out a screwdriver, gets the cover off, and then it goes something like this:

"See, here it is, right here OWW OWWW!  FUCK!  I guess I should have turned the power off."

Needless to say, we left the apartment and Mr. Tweaker did not become an informant.

There is a lesson...  it's in blue.

Of course you can't taze a guy standing in water, either.

I wish my girlfriend was on here, she has quite a few good stories from when she was an officer, I'll share two I can remember off the top of my head.

First one was at the Academy, during training everyone goes through the hell of getting gassed, then heads off to the showers to rinse off. The male trainer tells all of the guys to make sure they don't rinse off the residue onto their junk... and forgets to tell the women the same little tidbit of crucial information. I wish I could accurately describe her retelling of her screams and the litany of curses she still vividly recalls to this day. I suck at telling stories though, shes much better at it.

While with her FTO she was called to back up a county deputy on a DUI of a motorized wheelchair. If that wasn't funny enough, it happened to be the same deputy that had arrested her for streaking two years prior when she was in college. She was one of the exceptions to the rule of bad nudity... and the Deputy tried to get her number She said there was lots of Old School references after that.

I dont think tasers existed with this story took place.

I've told these two before on here:

My old partner and I go to a residence to serve an Arrest Warrant around 0200. The subject doesn't know about the warrant because the Circuit Court Judge issued it around 2300 and faxed it to my office. The subject is in his mid-30's and according to his info sheet lives with his mom and dad. Walking up to the house we hear what sounds like two people going at it like dogs in heat. As we get closer I hear the music and comment that the subject must be watching a porno.

Upon knocking the jackass throws open the drapes, butt-ass naked, and yells who is it. My partner says "Open up it's HIP." I add "And put some pants on."

When we enter the porno is still playing full blast. On the floor, in front of the couch, is a sweaty ass print a bottle of lotion and one of mama's dish towels. Jackass says "It's OK my parents are out of town and they said I could rent a movie." I say "Turn it off so I can hear." He picks up the remote and starts banging every button on it. He says "shit I can't get it my hands are too sweaty."

My partner says "give me the damn remote." He then REACHES OVER AND GRABS THE REMOTE out of the guy's hand. I make some involuntary sound like "aahhhhewwww." My partner looks down at the remote in his hand and yells "aww shit, fuck me." I lose it. I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face.

I make him cuff the guy and put him in the car. Then I grab the bottle of hand sanitizer and pretty much make him beg for some.

We called him Dickhands for a couple of months.

ANOTHER:

Go to Homecheck a 20 year old guy. His info sheet says it's just him and his mother. Through the window you can see two people on the couch, under a blanket, going to town. Knock, he answers. Officer says whomever is under that blanket needs to be on your info sheet, all you listed is your mother. The guy says "that is my mom."

Sure enough....

Oh, tag.

If he's western slope he could shoot me an IM and ill see if I could take him

ETA: I've got a few ill post up once I'm off shift, including the guy who had voices in his head causing him to ejaculate 1000 times a day

Back during the days when I was actually planning to go into law enforcement, I did frequent ridealongs and solo "patrols" (Citizens on Patrol) in my little town. Only goofup I've got is when I excitedly reported a reckless driver swerving all over a neighborhood in the middle of the night.

The Sgt, who was already on another call, was silent for a second, then called back "Newspaper guy".

Took a good week for my face to turn back to the normal color I got picked on a lot.

You know I had many ride along , and supervised many of the men on patrol. The one thing I hated worse than a ride along was an arrogant thinks his shit don't stink  badge heavy officer like you .

The ride along for what ever reason wants to learn and be part of LE, it is people like you that distance what little support groups we have by being arogant and holier than thou.

I hope you either wash out of LE or quit , the profesion does not need people like you.
BTDT with people who are a legend in their own mind like you

I hope you're being facetious.

Not that I ever agreed to take a RA but if I did and that happened he would never of gotten near my car.

You'd think most of them would know better after a couple of years.

great stories, thanks for sharing them guys

Dude, Seriously???

Your post reminds me a lot of a lieutenant I had one time. He was a great politician and a horrific cop. This post sounds like something he would say.

Sorry but that RA sounds like the type the profession does not need.

Oh, so you're the one cop who cares what the public thinks.
The one that posters in GD are referring to when they post "And cops wonder why the public doesn't support them".

Well I used to stand duty as Shore Patrol Officer in the nightly ships augment group in Subic, so I haven't gone out of my way to go on any since then.  Usually paired up with the Provost Marshal Shore Patrol "Beach" Officer.  Not going to see anything as "interesting" as those nights.  One of our duties was to check out that none of the establishments had locked their fire escapes and the facilities were somewhat sanitary.  Which meant we often had to peruse the shows in progress.  Was kind of nice because I got introduced to managers and owners , and that meant I could go back and get dinner or a beer or two and not get hassled by the lbfms.

Had several RAs while in HS and College.  Nothing exciting.  Was on a tour of Parker Center (LAPD HQ) for a Public Administration class.  Some of the class members had never seen a drunk get poured out of the back of a paddy wagon and pulled by the collar to booking.  And then things went bazoo.  We got taken up to the Weapons Rooms and dropped off.  Had a bout a 2  hour intensive toru and discussions, but not told what was happening.  That was the day of the SLA Shootout and nobody really had time for a tour group.  Oh, well.

My brother got an RA the officer was a family friend and they had a female reserve along (who I worked with)  they were trying to find someplace to deliver a female 5150. A family member was an MD and would 5150 (unable to care for self, danger to self or others 3 day psch hold)  "Mary" was among other things a screamer/fainter.  They would walk her into the ER at  LA County General, she would see the location, scream and yell, "I can't breathe." clutch her throat and prone out, and start to turn purple.  Needless to say, that excited people who didn't know her, usually one or more would push the panic button or equivalent.  Most of the regulars at reception knew her.  So they ignored her act.  "Mary, you have to go to Sybil Brand tonight."  no reaction as she lay on the ground turning purple.  Onlookers are going in to the "Why aren't you helping her?"  routine.  So Lee, (the officer) would say, "Mary, time to go."  and Mary would pop up and calmly walk out with them.  They would then go to the next facility and she would scream and faint, again.  They apparently went to 5 places that night.

It was, but I was disappointed.  I was hoping he'd say something to the effect of "and we've been married 5 years now." Young jarheads and cops in love... ah spring.

Tagged for your book and movie.

It's like Ron White says. When you've seen one set of tits... you want to see them all.


Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

This has been one of the better threads that I've read in a loooong time. Excellent.

Thx for posting.  Now off to Sub's update.  I need to do another ride along.

Yes, what the world needs now is a LEO who can't follow simple instructions like "Stay in the car."

My 7 year old can follow simple instructions like that...

The LEO community needs people who believe in the words "Protect and Serve"...  but are not ready to go full Rambo at the drop of a hat....

Sorry, but LEOs need to know that looking professional (and not para-military) is a part of the job, and some lessons are only taken to heart when learned the hard way.

Law enforcement is paramilitary. Always has been.

Now we know the SN of the guy in OPs story.

That was initially my thought.

Back in my PJ days I covered a motorcycle wreck where the guy's boots ended up about 50 feet from (most of) the rest of him.  His feet were still in them.  

Wait a sec, I need clarification.  You are a police officer and a SUPERVISOR?