In June of 2016, the wife and I bought a house in the city we wanted to eventually move to. We came to town every weekend to work on the house and get acclimated with the area. We left our old church and joined a new one since we were here every weekend. Eventually, in 2019 I got a job and we moved permanently.

I had never been baptized (long story) and got dunked in January of 2017 at the new church. We were unable to attend small group sessions until we moved here permanently but we started going to some in 2019.  We rarely missed a Sunday sermon, though. We attended as many events as we could but those were hard because we were traveling around a lot and going to school for our MBAs at that time.


We have never really made any connections/friends in the church save for the lead pastor. He was about our age and was a phenomenal man. I say "was" because he died of Covid in 2021.


His death really hit us all hard. The rest of the church leadership are all under 30. My wife and I are in our late, late 40s - wifey will turn 50 this year.


We were never able to have kids. We had foster kids for a few years. That was an overall horrible experience for us. Rewarding but heartbreaking. We tried adoption but did it too soon after losing a kid we thought we could adopt thru foster and it just fell apart. We never revisited the issue.


The average age of the congregation we are in is 31. The vast, vast majority of the ones who are not college students have small children. So, we have basically nothing in common with literally anyone in the church. We're older than most, by at least a generation, and there are very few people, if any, in our same demographic. If they're out there, we don't know them.


The church focuses all of its energy on children. Our old church had many events, like mens and womens groups, that were just for adults but this church is completely focused on kids. That's fine, I totally understand why but there is literally nothing there for people who don't have children.


I've tried for years to find friends like I had at my old church to no avail. The dads talk only about their kids (again, I totally understand why and that's what I think they should do since they have small children) and I have absolutely nothing in common with them. I am an old country boy. I like cars and tractors and guns and hunting, stuff like that. I haven't found a single one that has any interest in anything but sports if I can even get them to talk about anything outside of little league or soccer. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people. We're just different.


At my old church, we had a big group of guys that were all close in age and loved the same things in life. We were tight and some of them I still talk to occasionally but it's not the same. I miss that so much.


My wife feels the same way. She volunteers in kids ministry. The women there basically ignore her when they find out she's not a mom. It's torture but she keeps doing it because they don't have enough volunteers.


I found this article today that lays out a lot of the concepts that we've both been dealing with. It reads a lot more angry than we really are but the concepts are the same:




https://worldchildlessweek.net/dear-christian-church


So, here's the question: is it time for us to move on? Do we stay and somehow try to change things? To be honest, I don't see that being possible with such a young staff.

I appreciate the advice.

If it doesn't fit move on. Sounds like you already answered your own question.

I think your age gives you a different perspective that is invaluable to these younger men. Your role might not necessarily to be their friend but to be the wise, older sage that can impart wisdom to the younger men.

While I didn’t go to church to make friends, I have found that great relationships were created when given the opportunity to go serve (we go to a bigger church where there’s lots of opportunities to serve).

You might be the vessel that God uses in that church to bring other men your age into that church.

Have you prayed about it?

It's great to be volunteering and serving, but (IMO) you should also be growing

If you don't feel that you are where God wants you to be- start searching, start checking out
some other churches

Move on.

These stories never stop coming in and in my opinion its why churches are dying in this country.
And that is coming from a lifelong strong Christian who has spent the last twenty years in worship ministry or in the pews.

We have finally gotten to the point seeing so much corruption, age clicks and dissension/spits that I started, and now tired of, trying new churches.
Its the same thing constantly where I live.
I just pulled my family out of the game completely.
Now we home church on Sunday, and instead of the youth groups my kids were involved in we do a family game night.

Look for a home church, they are happening more and more now with so many believers leaving.

This story reminds me of Anne and Joachim.

Maybe bring the issue up with church leadership and see what they say? Give them a chance to address it because they may have no idea that there’s an issue. That being said, if you can’t establish Christian community there, it might be time to make a change so that you can.

Parents are going to be child centered out of necessity. If your church has a lackluster kids program or youth group, that will suck mom in. Mom will make dad volunteer. Next thing you're pulling security for an Easter egg hunt for 2,500 people, or building set decorations, or teaching archery at a summer camp, while your wife is teaching Sunday school or chaperoning youth group.

It just happens. There's nothing wrong with finding a place with a better fit, or more old folks to do things with.

As to the article, I'd tell that lady to grow up. Everyone has their own problems. My mom has severe dementia and doesn't recognize me, my dad had his foot amputated and is demented in a more irritating way...because he still thinks he knows everything. My FIL is in his 80s and is in failing health and will probably be moving in with us in the near future.

Boo Hoo. Everyone has a sad story. Everyone suffers. Getting your nose out of joint because not everyone feels your pain is just egotistical nonsense. Suck it up and drive on. Toughen up, Buttercup. You got time to lean, you got time to clean. I'd toss a few cliches her way, but it seems like nothing will stop that level of navel gazing.

Lots of older people ar Catholic Church.  Many opportunities to get involved on the local level.  Check it out.  We have the real presence of Jesus at every mass.  Body and Blood.  Congrats on the baptism!!  Welcome to the family!

Seems like you and they are going for the wrong reasons.

Find a good Bible teaching church.

I had this thought some time back. To be honest, though, I've yet to figure out a way to make it happen. The only opportunities to serve are with the welcome team (of which they have too many volunteers already) and with kids. The wife and I served heavily in kids ministry at our old church but this church is vastly different and it has not been a great experience for the wife. Not sure why, it's more of a "feel" thing but she hasn't really enjoyed it.  I was approached to serve on the security team and told them I would but they never followed up about it and I just haven't been excited about it enough to follow up.

I think these young pastors are really struggling after the loss of our lead pastor. On some level, I hate to bother them because I know they have their hands full.

I have prayed about it.

You hit the nail on the head. We are not growing at all. At our last church, we were growing and were a part of a larger group that was growing as well. We were essentially discipling each other. At this church, that's not happening.

I was in leadership at my old church and I saw things that made me want to scream. I never really want to be a part of leadership again.

The wife and I had a long discussion about it last night and we feel we owe it to them to have a discussion. It won't be easy because they won't understand but it needs to happen.

As I said, that article reads too angry to really represent our experience but the concepts are similar.

We are actively being ignored/shunned (I'm hesitant to use that word) by some people in the church because we don't have kids. We get it. We're weird.

We are not angry. We are not upset.

We just really enjoyed community at our last church and that doesn't seem to be happening here for us.

This church does teach the Bible and at first we really loved it. The lack of community was not noticed at first and now it's starting to have an affect on us.

There are plenty of churches out there. Go try others.

My wife and I  are friends with a couple who are in their early 50's. We're late 30's.  They were very involved in the parish community and socially were "in". They moved from here to another state for a job opportunity (solid) and a few other reasons that ended up not panning out the way they thought they would (closer to family, etc.).

They have kids, but those kids are already out of the house.

They are experiencing something similar. They also experience what seems to be some elements akin to "You aren't X enough," by people who haven't even really attempted to get to know them. It truly angers me, as this couple are honestly some of the best people we know and they are being made to feel, whether intentionally or not, that they aren't "good enough" for this new place. I really look up to the man as an older brother type, and both he and his wife have such a wide array of experience and knowledge to share with younger folks.

So don't think *you* are the problem. I'd wager you're an awesome man with an amazing wife. I'd bet you both would be a hoot to hang out with, whether through hobbies or just good old conversation over a cup of coffee; any younger person would do well to learn from you both if you are anything like my friends.

I don't have an answer for you. Maybe it's stay. Maybe it's go. But just know that I've seen this before and you shouldn't feel like you are the problem merely for the reality of who you and your wife are.

I'm sort of in the exact opposite situation as you. I'm 33, my wife is 27 and we have 4 & 6 year old girls. They are the only children at our church and we are the only young couple. The majority of our congregation is seniors all 60+, and one woman who's 24 and one guy who's 20 but that's it. The first time we went there they all welcomed us so kindly. We participate a lot with the older folks of the church even if we don't have things in common we are there to serve the Lord, first and foremost. The man who I help run our food pantry with is 70 years old and I ride along with him picking up and distributing food. This man is a total Biden voter liberal but I don't hold it against him because we both work together to serve God and our community. We can relate to each other by sharing our testimonies and how God is working in our lives for our good and the good of others. Even if you have nothing in common or nothing interesting to talk about, you can still always share wisdom and experiences and your joy of the Lord. We are all brothers who serve the same God.

I would encourage you to pray over it, because it could be that God has put you here to share your age and experience and wisdom. I know the way God worked in our church because a couple weeks before we came there was a young family that moved away to Carolina. The husband played guitar and the wife played drums on the worship team. Well it just so happened that I play the guitar and my wife plays drums so that was a prayer that was answered for our worship leader. Also just because there was a need for a young body who can do things like get on a ladder to change lights and things. Our pastor is also 70 years old.

That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Thank you. Sincerely, thank you.

That's very helpful to know that we are not alone.

Fair point. In my experience, however, you would be the exception to the rule.

It speaks volumes about your character and your walk with the Lord that you can put aside those generational and political differences and serve. I have not seen that often.

I manage several people at work in your age group and they are not like you.

I have noticed that a lot of the young Christians we see at church are VERY liberal.

I will continue to pray and seek God's advice but it seems the more I do, the more I feel this is coming to a head if that makes sense.

Thank you!

I would guess if there are no adult groups it’s because the people you talk about are busy being parents. It really does suck the life out of you.
Maybe your calling is to establish a mens group. Your wife could do the same. I would much prefer a church with younger people and a passel of kids running around than a group of geezers just waiting to die.
It may be the younger parents would love to do a small group but can’t be the ones to organize and start it.
By default you are one of the Elders, embrace it.

See if you can get a membership age and email list.
Shoot an email out to similar aged members; see if there's any interest in starting a 40+ group.  Our church is full of younger couples with kids, but started a group called "prime" for older adults because of similar feedback as your story.
We also have an informal mens group that has a light bible study and each week a different member brings smoked meats, and once every month or so they have a smoke off at somebody's house.  

Maybe this is your calling to get involved and bring focus to older members/attendees at your current church.
Maybe this is your sign to move on and find another church.  Many lutheran churches have a higher average member age than baptist or e/free around here.

I no longer really go to church, so maybe take it with a grain of salt. I found I often had a different perspective from church leadership about what the purpose of the church is.  They often said the purpose was to spread the gospel.  I believe the purpose of the church is to fulfill the spiritual needs of the members first.  That includes camaraderie with fellow believers who you can talk with sincerely.  

I think you’re making the right choice. It’s always better to be open and honest about things when you can. The church I’m going to is having issues with being open about church administration matters, and it’s really hurting the trust in the leadership. Also, be sure to pray about where God wants you to be. :)

God is a one size fits all.  Church ain’t.

Community built around ... ?

Is it that the others don't act like they believe the bible is God's word and truth and want to see it treated and handled that way, and the worship flows out of right relationship with God?

Or is it something else?

Those who know themselves wrong with God who believe that Christ died for their sins in their stead ... and continue professing that belief and struggling to live in line with that ... (that's what a christian is) ... we find churches to find others who believe the same, and want to make much of God and treat his word with respect.

There are lots and lots of churches out there that try to form communities around other things.

I don't know everyone involved in your church, so I can't really give you advice.

I can say it seems that you are seeking God and that's amazing. I am looking for some fellowship myself right now but I'm content if it takes me awhile.

I was driving by yet another church with Trans and rainbow flags on it on my way to a jobsite today. I thought to myself "Whiskers, maybe you are the problem. Maybe the church is just trying to be open to everyone. Maybe they're trying to just be welcoming and kind. And if a church is welcoming and kind, isn't that good? Why does this bother you?"

And I thought about it for a moment, actually thinking about it. And I remembered an Aquinas story. A rich Duke had come and asked Aquinas to take a walk, which he obliged. And the rich Duke was asking what the monastery might need and how he could help. Aquinas saw a man selling birds and asked the Duke if he would buy them for him. The Duke eagerly agreed and bought every single last bird. He then asked Aquinas what he would like to do with all those birds. Aquinas asked him to open all the cages.

To Aquinas, the bird's wings which were a gift and a beautiful work of art from God were not meant to me looked at. They were meant to fly.

The wings had a purpose, and the purpose of them was flight. Flight is something humans have watched with wonder since mankind existed. (On a side note, being able to "wonder" in itself is a unique human concept)  The birds were best appreciated as God made them, not as mankind wanted them or desired them.

Anyways, finding some rationality in myself and being able to answer my own questions I ask of myself made me happy.

To apply this to your case, you are actively seeking God and trying to see if the church is a fit. You ask yourself, "Well, I'm certainly self aware enough to realize I might be the problem. Am I the problem or are they a problem?" I cannot answer that.

However, I can answer that it sounds like it might not be a good fit for you and your wife. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad church, nor that you are a bad person. It just means you might not achieve the level of spiritual growth you want there. And that sounds like that's really important to you, which is absolutely amazing.

Aquinas believes that man is at its happiest when he contemplates God. So if this church is not giving you that helpful boost to help you contemplate God in a better way, nor on the same page with existing contemplation of God you've already done with your wife, maybe it's not the best fit.

Good luck with your search brother. If you seek him you will find him.

Many have no idea and are googling

I'd say it depends on your religion.  Some faiths want you in your "home church".  If yours doesn't care, or if you aren't tied to a faith, then shop around.

If you are in a faith that wants you in your home church, then maybe look at why you attend.  Are you there to worship and serve, or make friends?  While the latter can certainly make the former more enjoyable, it isn't a requirement.   We have childless couples your age at our church, either because they couldn't conceive or their children were out of the home by that age.

Churches are clickie sorry can’t spell.  But they are just that way not meaning to be that way sometimes.  But if the women treat your wife that way move on to another church. Ministries in the church are great but, the flock has to be feed to carry out the ministries.

Join a Traditional Catholic parish. Ain't nothing but kids running around.

Yes. Churches that forbid contraception and strongly encourage marriage and plural motherhood for the young ladies and courtship and traditional male family leadership for the young men thrive while the rest of them are left with a small clique of elderly and eventually boarded up after a few generations pass.

Novus Ordo parishes are no exception. Six rural Catholic churches were recently demolished in the county I grew up in due to lack of parishioners/funding. In my 20's and 30's and searching for a helpmeet I couldn't find a young single female over the age of 18 in any of these churches. Off to be secularized in college and power careers in the big city with their parents encouragement while the lonely local men (genetic dead ends from previous generations of HUGE families) fill the back pews and nod off in boredom during the wishy washy liberation theology sermons.