I had a book that shows to field gut a rabbit without getting your hands dirty, you just start at the front legs, & use both hands to squeez all the guts to the rear untill it's a large tight ball. Then spread your legs like a football center, & whip the rabbit back letting your forarms hit your thighs, & come to an abrupt stop. This will cause the guts to explode  throught the ars of the rabbit, & go flying away.
Well, I told a friend this method, while were out doing some small game hunting. He shot a rabbit, & decided to try it out. The first 2 trys didn't work. On  the 3rd attempt, wa la! The gut's indeed did explode out the ars end, & they flew throught the air, & landed on the middle of his back, kerschplop! I laughred so hard I dern near fainted.

that's going to be hard to beat

This isn't gutting story, but a skinning story.  My father brought his deer by my house so he could skin it in my garage.  When it came to cutting the legs off, my handsaw's blade had too deep of teeth for bone.  Looking around the shop, all I could find that would work was my circular saw.  Spinning at a high speed, it created a horrible burnt fur, blood and bone smellas it cut, and sprayed chunks of bone, blood and fur back at me.

Lesson learned:  spend a little extra and let the butcher shop skin the deer.

It's "voila".  The spelling nazi has spoken.

Well, I've never gone hunting, and definitely not gutting (I'm too queasy for that), but once my grandfather hit a fish on the head with a hammer to kill it and an organ, I think it was the heart, jumped out of its mouth.

Quoted:
It's "voila".  The spelling nazi has spoken.

I spelled it the way I say it. If you want to spell it, like a wussy french frog then do. So there you have it.WA LA

Searcher-you done even need to swing the bunny.  Just keep on squeezing down and "pop" goes the weasel rabbit.

I have no funny story, but a rather pitiful story.  I field dressed my buck this year with my pocket knife (at least it was sharp).  In the excitment of running home to call a buddy to help drag I forgot to grab my gutting knife.

I gutted my first deer and was down a little too close to the abdomen. While scooping the intestines out, I picked up my knife to reach up and cut the lungs out...I accidentaly knicked the stomach of the deer, and what could be best described as "sour corn mash" came spraying out of the small hole...right in my face. And my mouth was open. YUK!!!

,........ Nasty uuuuuhh.

While skinning a couple of hogs with my hands covered in blood and guts my drunk buddy cut the shit out of me. I quit skinning and was sitting on the side washing out the cut and applying some "anesthesia" when I hear the guy that took my place yell out, "Hey damnit! You cut me!".

No one got trichinosis.

Quoted: I had a book that shows to field gut a rabbit without getting your hands dirty, you just start at the front legs, & use both hands to squeez all the guts to the rear untill it's a large tight ball. Then spread your legs like a football center, & whip the rabbit back letting your forarms hit your thighs, & come to an abrupt stop. This will cause the guts to explode  throught the ars of the rabbit, & go flying away. Well, I told a friend this method, while were out doing some small game hunting. He shot a rabbit, & decided to try it out. The first 2 trys didn't work. On  the 3rd attempt, wa la! The gut's indeed did explode out the ars end, & they flew throught the air, & landed on the middle of his back, kerschplop! I laughred so hard I dern near fainted.

Thanks for the story!!!!  

Not really a gutting story. But related and definitely funny.

Ok, last Sunday morning I go to the meat market to take in the deer I shot. So they can make sausage and jerky and all that good stuff.

While I was there. This guy pulls up that looked like Marty Felldman with camo on. You know, this guy.



I was trying to imagine him looking through the scope on his rifle. When he talked to you he looked away because the screwy eye was the one he was looking at you with. This was funny enough by itself, but it gets better.

He had shot a small buck that was smaller than my Labrador Retriever and it had spikes that were about a inch long. He was going on and on about how far away it was and that he shot it with a 300 Win-Mag. He was so excited about it. That it must have been the first deer he ever shot.

The really hilarious part is that he asked if they could mount it for him. When he asked this. The guy working at the meat market looked at me with a smirk on his face. And says to the guy. "Well I don't know because you blew half of his head off". Now the guy with the squirrelly eye say "What do you mean?" As he bends down and touches the front shoulder. He say "But I was aiming right here". "Are you sure I shot it in the head". Once again the butcher looks at me. This time I can tell he is doing all he can to keep from laughing. And says "Well I will have to skin it to be sure, But it looks like a head-shot to me".

So now the butcher is dragging the deer into the walk-in cooler. And screwy eye say "hey watch out for my horns." That is funny by itself. But bust-out funny considering that one of the inch long spikes is only being held on by skin because he shattered the skull with the head-shot.

Needless to say after this guy left. Me and the butcher spent the next ten minutes in tears from laughing so hard.

My uncle, Mike, shot a doe a few years ago and she was lactating.  While we were dressing her out, ever the comedian, Mike grabs one of the tits and shot milk all over my 10-year old cousin’s face.  That kid jumped around like he was on fire and then puked all over himself.    

Those last two stories are side splitters. I think that guy shot at a deer in the oppisite direction, & just lucky that a deer was where he was not looking when he shot.

Did he say to him GOT MILK? 1st? Ahahahaha

I have been butchering deer since I was about 12 years old. There's now way to remember how many. The only time that I got queezy gutting an animal is when I field dressed a gut shot wild hog. The wild hogs in Louisiana eat acorns, persimmons, and worms. Can you imagine about 5 gallons of half digested worms with acorn garnish? Made me feel like I swallered my backer!

Quoted: Did he say to him GOT MILK? 1st? Ahahahaha

No, we were all laughing too hard.  I don't think I could even talk for several minutes.  Just watching that kid running around screaming, gagging and puking was about all I could do.  

Pangea - that sounds way too nasty.  The only time I got sick enough to actually puke was while cleaning a gut-shot deer.  That is a smell that you don't forget.  Funny thing was my uncle (Mike, the same got that squeezed the tits) got sick first.  I started laughing at him and then I started puking.  Then he laughed at me, and so on.  We cut on that damn deer nearly 40 minutes, the whole timing laughing and puking.  Let's just say laughing WHILE you're puking isn't always so much fun.

While cleaning a hog with EdSr, for Gunstock, I removed one of the Hog's kidneys.  I like kidneys and planned to have this one for breakfast.

Ed and I had an 'audience' of ilikelegs, EdAvilaJr, Goatboy, 1GR (I think he was there by then) and my wife watching the cleaning process.

It was a rather large kidney, and the sow had been gut shot...twice.  

I needed the kidney washed and did not feel the need to do that myself.  I was already elbow deep in hog guts.

I decided to toss the kidney to a member of the audience...ilikelegs.

I tossed the kidney to him and while it was in flight I said, "Hey, Keith, wash this for me!"

He did not catch the kidney.  He recoiled in horror as the kidney slowly arced through the air towards him.  He batted it up, back in to the air, began to leave his seat as he realized the kidney was simply batted UP and not AWAY from his body!

He slapped it this time, again in mid-air, and it flew about 10 yards in to the brush behind my cleaning area.

I think it was the accompanying "Shriek!" that he let out that made it funniest of all.

My wife even laughed at him.

TRG

Quoted: Quoted: While cleaning a hog with EdSr, for Gunstock, I removed one of the Hog's kidneys.  I think it was the accompanying "Shriek!" that he let out that made it funniest of all.TRG True! What a whimp! Looking at his facial expression, you would have thought that we had asked him to lick the gutshot-hog clean! Alright ILL,I deserve another photoshop!

this is what the kidney looked like in flight:




ilikelegs looked something like this when he saw it was headed for him...



TRG

Aw shit, that was good.

For rabbits I usually just cut open the gut and grab it with both hands by the back of the neck and rump and swing sharply to a clear line of fire and everything usually comes right out.  I'll try the squeeze method though, Seems it would keep my jacket cleaner.

Quoted: For rabbits I usually just cut open the gut and grab it with both hands by the back of the neck and rump and swing sharply to a clear line of fire and everything usually comes right out.  I'll try the squeeze method though, Seems it would keep my jacket cleaner.

How do you check the liver  when the guts have been slung all over ?

Pulling my deer back to the truck this last season, I waited for my wife and son to get back. As they came back to camp the frist thing she said was "you got blood on a new pair of jeans" looking down I can't find anything.

She walks up and points "right there"

I look again and see it.

How in the hell can she see a spot of blood half the size of a dime at 40 yards juat above the cuff on a new pair of jeans[:\]

Ok Ok , I have this technique, when I gut a deer where I stick a stick up the deer's butt hole,  cut around it and pull it through to finish the gutting process. I find this easier than cutting the bones and removing the anus. I must confess I always felt a little stange doing that, but it works good. I shot my deer  while hunting with a few friends , looked all around and started to gut my deer. All of a sudden my friend, comes up on me ninja style, and asks, why are you sticking that branch up the deers butt, like I I was violating it. Got to confess he made me feel strange. I showed him how much easier it was than splitting the pelvic bone. And he understood, I think he at first thought I was doing some anal violation to the deer.

Quoted: I had a book that shows to field gut a rabbit without getting your hands dirty, you just start at the front legs, & use both hands to squeez all the guts to the rear untill it's a large tight ball. Then spread your legs like a football center, & whip the rabbit back letting your forarms hit your thighs, & come to an abrupt stop. This will cause the guts to explode  throught the ars of the rabbit, & go flying away. Well, I told a friend this method, while were out doing some small game hunting. He shot a rabbit, & decided to try it out. The first 2 trys didn't work. On  the 3rd attempt, wa la! The gut's indeed did explode out the ars end, & they flew throught the air, & landed on the middle of his back, kerschplop! I laughred so hard I dern near fainted.

Well, if it all landed on his back, at least his hands WERE clean.....so the technique worked.  

Well this is kind of funny, I shot a doe a couple years ago, and was dressing it out, and my knife hit a nerve that ran to one of the front legs, well when that leg moved and hit me, I jumped up and back, and thought to my self, no way, this deer is dead, and then when I realized what happened, I took mmy knife and hit the nerve again, and the whole front leg kicked again, LOL....

Three years ago, my hunting buddy Jerry and I gutted a Elk cow, real nice size. We finished it off and were pulling it down a snow covered steep hill to the pickup below. Jerry was pulling and I was trying to brake it. I slipped and fell, releasing the animal. It picked up speed and pushed Jerry down the slope pinning him under the pickup.

It was pretty funny to see the Elk get some revenge even after it had been gutted.

That is pretty funny! The revenge of the cow.

years ago i was deer hunting with a couple of my buddies. we got 2 deer had them both hung in a tree to gut them. we were still pretty new at cleaning deer, so we were covered in blood. when we got to the second deer one of the guys that was standing behind the deer reached around with his knife to begin the neck cut. he didn't see the other guys fingers already there. cut 2 of them almost to the bone. after the initial screech of pain and the blood pouring out we run to the truck and jump in to take him to the hospital. i can just imagine what the receptionist was thinking when 3 camoflage guys covered in blood came up and started bleeding all over her counter.

My vote is for TRG's story, with accompanying photos.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: While cleaning a hog with EdSr, for Gunstock, I removed one of the Hog's kidneys.  I think it was the accompanying "Shriek!" that he let out that made it funniest of all.TRG True! What a whimp! Looking at his facial expression, you would have thought that we had asked him to lick the gutshot-hog clean! Alright ILL,I deserve another photoshop! this is what the kidney looked like in flight: www.nlm.nih.gov/research/visible/vhp_conf/senger/kidney.gif ilikelegs looked something like this when he saw it was headed for him... www.home.aone.net.au/redfoot/gump/fear.jpg TRG

There was no screaming you bitch!
And me batting it in the air twice just shows pure skill.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: While cleaning a hog with EdSr, for Gunstock, I removed one of the Hog's kidneys.  I think it was the accompanying "Shriek!" that he let out that made it funniest of all.TRG True! What a whimp! Looking at his facial expression, you would have thought that we had asked him to lick the gutshot-hog clean! Alright ILL,I deserve another photoshop! this is what the kidney looked like in flight: www.nlm.nih.gov/research/visible/vhp_conf/senger/kidney.gif ilikelegs looked something like this when he saw it was headed for him... www.home.aone.net.au/redfoot/gump/fear.jpg TRG There was no screaming you bitch! And me batting it in the air twice just shows pure skill.

You screamed.  I have witnesses.

TRG

Me and my two friends (one of which was polish) went out deer hunting.  We got a nice 6 point and we were gonna gut it.  My polish friend said he had to take a crap.  we started to gut it and when we were done we waited for him.  He never showed.  We went looking and soon found him sitting on a hollow stump, asleep.  We thought it would be funny if we put the deer guts in the stump while he slept.  We did it and headed back to the cabin.  We heard a scream and a few minutes later he came runnin' in and said that he crapped his guts out.  Me and my friend chuckled a bit and asked him what he did after that.  He said, "Well, I crapped my guts out, but with the help of a sharp stick I got em' pushed back in again!"  

This story is true, and by true I mean...false.  It was all lies, but they were entertaining lies.  And in the end, isn't that the real truth?  The answer, is no.

Oooops! Confused again, thought the topic was What's your funniest gut wrenching story...

anyway...a bit off the subject but disgustingly funny regardless...



Years ago my friend and I were walking around the back of our building and we both saw a disgusting used kotex napkin (the fat ones). It had shit and blood on it.   So of course, me being the crazyone, I pick it up at the edge and at that moment my pal realizes that im gonna put it on him so he books! I run after him and corner him by a wall, we both stare each other down (I have the Gomez smile on my face from the Addams family and he has the scared shitless look, 'you better not or im gonna tell my mother')!  His ski jacket that he was wearing had its collar wide open, so I faked him a few times like im going to throw it at him and so he ducked a couple of times...don't ask me how, but I timed it perfectly when he came up after the ducking, the Kotex landed 'dirty side' on his exposed neck inside the coat collar.  He's walking around trying to find where it landed, and after about 10 seconds he realizes that it lodged on the inside of his coat collar and began screaming....needless to say he chased me with the darn thing in his hand at that point he didnt care anymore, his sole intention was REVENGE!  I laughed so hard  that my abs were sore for a couple of days.  


We still laugh about that day.

This didn't happen to me but I was there...
My neighbor across the street got a cow elk last archery season. I was out puttering around on a quad and he flagged me down to help him dress it. We walked up into the woods to the elk, and believe me, if you've never field dressed an elk, it's MUCH more difficult than a deer. My neighbor pulls out his knife and a length of rope that was so old, the Romans must have made it, oh, about 10B.C. He proceeds to tie the rope around the elk's legs and to a couple of trees in order to spread the legs so he can get in there and go to work. As he's beginning to cut open the body cavity, suddenly SNAP! goes the rope on one side, the free leg whacks him in the side, and the still-tied leg then pulls the free leg towards him, which wipes his feet out from under him. Luckily, he wasn't hurt at all, but Gamesniper was laughing so hard I was coughing and had snot pouring out of my nose. (kinda like a shot of nasty tequila)
Again, another case of a dead elk getting it's revenge.
BTW, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought him 30ft of kermantle rope.

Quoted: Well this is kind of funny, I shot a doe a couple years ago, and was dressing it out, and my knife hit a nerve that ran to one of the front legs, well when that leg moved and hit me, I jumped up and back, and thought to my self, no way, this deer is dead, and then when I realized what happened, I took mmy knife and hit the nerve again, and the whole front leg kicked again, LOL....

I just got this picture in my head of someone doing what you said here.....he hits the nerve, the deer kicks him.  Not realizing what has happened, he checks out deer and determines it is still dead.  Goes back to work and hits nerve again.  It happens 2-3 more times until finally the hunter pulls his 1911 on the deer and unloads a mag.  hahahaha...haha..ha

Well, it was funny in my head.

StariVojnic, I would have kicked your ass. The mere thought of female products makes me gag. Rats and used female apparati are the only things that make me wretch.

So we went riding around in the middle of the night a few years ago on a buddy's place shooting rabbits from the truck with shotguns. It is highly entertaining to shoot moving targets from a moving platform. We shot somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 rabbits. We take them back to the camphouse and start skinning them. About two days after skinning them I get a call from him asking if my hand is fucked up. His left hand has blown up like a balloon and my right hand has done the same thing. So I am left handed and had been holding the rabbits in my right hand as I skinned them and vice versa for him. We both thought we had tuleremia and got pretty damn worried for a day or two. It turns out it was from the oil of poison ivy on their coats and we are both highly allergic to poison ivy (he wiped his ass with it one time when we were kids and got it on his nuts, dick and asshole).
Rabbit Revenge.

I got doe milk squirted in my face after my first deer. Tastes like canteloupe juice.

-Juice Out

A few years ago I was going out with a rabid anti-hunter. I always danced around the subject and never really told her about my outdoor hobby. Of course this relationship didn't last and I eventually dumped the bitch.

Since I was free of the battle ax I had more free time to do what I wanted. Needless to say I got to go deer hunting that year. I didn't have much luck at deercamp but I did manage to get a medium sized doe from behind our house. In true central Pennsylvania redneck fashion I hung the carcass from the bucket of our front loader to cool for the night. I went to class (local college branch campus) the next day and then worked out in the afternoon.

When I get home it's like 4:00pm and I'm losing sunlight fast. As I'm inside getting all the knives and saws together "the ex-bitch" calls me on the phone. She "justs want to talk" and I keep blowing her off by telling her I need to go I'm losing sunlight. She finally gives up and hangs up the phone. I go outside with my already bloody cammo on and start skinning my deer.

I get about half the skin off when I notice her car going up and down the street slowly. "Ah fuck" I think as I know that is her and she's trying to figure out what I'm doing. She slowly inches her car up my driveway and parks as far away from the hanging carcass as she can, which is about 50 yards. When she gets out of the car she nearly hurls. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing. She attempts a conversation, but I yell to her "I can't hear you, you need to come closer." She takes one step and nearly spews for the entire walk from her car to my be-headed trophy hanging off the Kubota.

I keep resisting my urge to burst out laughing at her and kinda muddle through a conversation while continuing my work. She's now within range and not quite as pale. I step away from the deer with my shirt covered in blood and guts and say "come here baby, give me a hug."

She omost spewed again. But she regained composure and continued her pointless "talk" which was so full of girl logic that it nearly made me sick. She did mention to me that my arms were huge and inquired if I'd been working out more. I nodded yes, but didn't tell her that I'd forgotten to stretch and my arms were swollen up and hurt like hell.

I kept telling her to pull the skin back while I cut but she'd have none of it. I dont' remember when she left, but she did give me a hug and I tried to squeeze her as hard as I could to get her messy. She was mortified. I loved it. I must have laughed my ass of for 30 minutes straight once she finally left.

She didnt bug me for at least a week afterwards.

-Luther

By BookHound:

My uncle, Mike, shot a doe a few years ago and she was lactating. While we were dressing her out, ever the comedian, Mike grabs one of the tits and shot milk all over my 10-year old cousin’s face. That kid jumped around like he was on fire and then puked all over himself.

By Cyanide:

Ok Ok , I have this technique, when I gut a deer where I stick a stick up the deer's butt hole, cut around it and pull it through to finish the gutting process. I find this easier than cutting the bones and removing the anus. I must confess I always felt a little stange doing that, but it works good. I shot my deer while hunting with a few friends , looked all around and started to gut my deer. All of a sudden my friend, comes up on me ninja style, and asks, why are you sticking that branch up the deers butt, like I I was violating it. Got to confess he made me feel strange. I showed him how much easier it was than splitting the pelvic bone. And he understood, I think he at first thought I was doing some anal violation to the deer.

These are certainly my two favorites. Damn that's funny.

I have a hunting story that is somewhat funny in retro-spect.  My Dad and I were hunting whitetail does in the river bottom and not having too much luck.  Suddenly I heard a shot...Then some more shooting.  I came over to where my Dad was just finishing gut shooting this damn doe. It went down after a nasty sounding "THWUMP".  I knew right away it was gut shot.

So as I go to load the doe into my truck to hang and gut at home, I notice its neck won't bend worth a shit.  It had rigamortis within minutes of dying...Or so I thought.

I attempted to gut the doe.  But as I got inside I realized the meat was green on her shoulder, the neck was stiff and bent at an angle.  My old man told me he had shot at a doe that was standing and completely missed..Then he noticed this deer hobbling off and thought, "How the hell did I hit that deer that was laying down? "  So he fired off his rounds as it was running and managed to hit the ass, guts, neck etc. etc. Hitting a hobbling deer on the move is rather hard to do with precision.

I gave up trying to gut the doe after I made it through the diaghram. I fell to the ground retching. The deer had obviously been hit by a car on the nearby road a day or two earlier and it was seriously messed up.  It stank worse that anything I've ever smelled.  If the smell of fresh guts doesn't meet your liking, try rotten guts. I can only imagine that it had bile or something leak from it's digestive system and was near death when my dad scared it into running off.  This bile was probably fermenting inside this dying deer until I came poking along with my knife.

Naturally the game wardens told my dad that since it was a legal kill and he had tagged it, it was his to keep...No new tag, take it or leave it...We fed it to our dogs who mostly just buried the stinking thing. It was only funny since if my Dad wouldn't have missed the doe he was aiming for, we would never have met the gain-green doe from hell.

Sly

!!!!

I busted a gut laughing, once!

My brother's friend is a little wild.  One opening weekend my family was down at the ranch hunting doves, and my cousin and her friend were there.  They were probably around 13 and the friend decided to give my brother and his friend a hard time about hunting defenseless animals.  My brother's friend looks at the girl, then bites the head off the dove and spits it at the dog, who promptly eats it.  It shut the girl up promptly.

A couple of years ago we invited some friends down to go hunting.  One decided he would hunt with his .50 cal.  He'd never hunted before, so not only did he shoot the poor doe with a round the size of his thumb, when he walked up on it afterwards he wanted to make sure it was dead and shot it 3 times with his .357.  He had no idea how to gut or butcher it, so he had to get someone else to do it for him.  Gloftoe oversaw the butchering.  When the guy said he wanted to keep the skull, Gloftoe poked his knife into the eye socket, speared the eyeball, and then flicked it off his knife into the grass.  I've never seen anyone go so pale as that guy.

There were a couple of other incidents - my brother telling his 3 year old he was "taking its pajamas off" when asked what he was doing to that birdie while cleaning it, which has become a catchphrase; the time I was a kid and my brother asked me to hold the deer's foot while he sawed off the leg and he deliberately went on the tendon side first so the foot would wiggle in my hand; but nothing tops the bird-head-biting story!

I got to addmit that sounds like an affective way to deal with an anti. I hope I get a chance to use it, or at least be just as quick to think of an equally good way to shut them up, & have them running for the bushes to unload their last meal.    

Oh my God dissipator, that's the funniest thing I've heard in awhile.  I could barely stop laughing long enough to finish the story.

Cyanide, you don't have to go all sadomistic on the damn thing to cut around the asshole and bring the guts out of the rear without chopping the pelvis, just cut the asshole out and move the rest through.  My grandpa uses the same technique, minus the whole anal probing.

I shot a spike a few years ago. Tracking the deer through the snow was tough as there was almost no blood trail. I found him piled up in the pines about 40 yards away. I had heard that hanging a deer makes them easier to gut. This was my first solo attempt at gutting a deer so I hoisted him up as best I could and went to work. The lower entrails came out easy enough, but again, there was very little blood. Then I started to cut through the diaphram. When I stuck the knife in, a geyser of blood shot out damn near 3 feet. It was like turning on a garden hose. I managed to avoid most of the blood. Turned out the entry and exit wounds were plugged with lung tissue and the entire chest was filled with blood.

Last year I gut shot my first deer. This is not something I ever hope to repeat. I stuck the knife in to start the gutting and you could just hear the gasses rush out. Both my buddies started laughing and I didn't know why. That's when the stench hit me like a jackhammer. It took me a bit to gut that one out as I had several bouts of gagging and dry heaves. Hell cannot have a more putrid odor than a gut shot deer. I made it through without puking but I will admit to having had to swallow hard a few times. The horror.......the horror......

Quoted: Hell cannot have a more putrid odor than a gut shot deer.

A gutshot hog ...

TRG

Is that gutshot hog got something to do with Gunstock? I'd like to hear that story, if you please.

Went hunting a couple of weeks ago in central Texas. Shot a muphlon ram that jumped straight up and crumpled, dead.  The ranch hand shows up 2 hours later with the pickup truck to go back to the camp.  We were loading the ram into the truck, I had the horns and he had the other end.  As we put the ram in the bed the ribcage hits the tailgate and the thing makes a bleating noise. This "trees" the ranch hand and I climb as high as I can up the wrong side of the deer stand ladder, and knock myself loopy on the bottom of the enclosure.  We looked at each other and laughed our asses off.  At this time the owner of the ranch drives up, sees the truck running the ram in the back and starts using his spotlight to see where we were and took pictures of us hiding from a dead sheep.
(Later, I found the camera and erased the evidence)

1) A full bladder on a mature mule deer is about the size and shape of a nerf football
2)A spinal hit can paralyze the bodily functions of said deer adding an interesting challenge to field dressing.(remember water weenies when we were kids?)
3)Your 70 year old father is quite capable of blackening your eye after being hit with fresh deer piss that your nephew managed to avoid.  

I rmembered this one last night.

My mom was supposed to take her neighbor lady of about a million years old to the doctors for a visit. She couldn't make it, so she told her I would do, & then called me & asked if I could. It was diring deer season in Wi, & I was busy hunting, but said yes.
I was in the woods behind my house & heading in to go pick up said little old lady who, when two doe's jumped up in front of me & my AR. I killed one & went about the gutting process. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I had to go get the Old woman for her appointment. I was blood, & guts up to both elbows, & ran to the house about 150 yards away to see if she could reschedual her appointment. I got a big guilt trip from her, so I said I would be there but not pretty. I ran back to the doe, & grabbed her leg, & started to drag her on a trot to the house, & a small 1/4" tree that was broken off went right up my nose, & gave me a terrible bloody nose. No time to stop, & dragged the deer to my yard, once I could see again(my eyes were watering bad from the stick up my nostril). I hopped in to the car, & headed for town with blood covering both arms & a large part of my face. She was sure schocked when I met her at the door, but we both got a good laugh from all the folks in town who were schocked by my presences at the Dr's office.[:D]

NONE of this makes me want to take up hunting...

I want to try it once, just to see if I can do it (perhaps to prove to myself I CAN do it), but seeing as I have no earthly idea how to dress an animal, I'd need to go with someone who could teach me...

...and NONE of you yahoos are qualifying! [:D]

I don't feel like getting sprayed, or splattered, or anything like that by one of you guys! [bd]