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Posted: 2/26/2001 6:50:46 AM EDT
Last weekend, my wife walked out on me and I've been coping as best as I can, to attempt to get my life back in order.

She "says" that she wants things to work out via professional counseling, but I'm skeptical...

My wife is my best friend in the world, my companion and my soul-mate.  I love her more than life itself and want nothing more than for her to return home, but I also realize that this has to be her decision.

I ask all of you to pray for our marriage... Hopefully GOD will answer all of our prayers, and there will be strentgh in numbers.

I will not be here much at all for awhile, as my priority is obviously my marriage.


BTW:  DonR has been in constant communication   on a daily basis, and damn near hourly the first couple of days...
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 6:54:52 AM EDT
Good luck, and hang in there!

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 6:57:02 AM EDT
Best of luck in getting this worked out.

Remember that you have a lot of friends out here thinking of you and the missus.

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 6:57:36 AM EDT
Anti -

Can't IMAGINE what that would be like.

Will do as you asked re: prayer. Keep us posted. Love to hear of answered prayers.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:01:25 AM EDT
A soul-mate would be the hardest to lose.
You're in Our Prayers. GOD Bless.

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:03:06 AM EDT
What an awful feeling this must give you...
Mrs "G" and myself will keep you and your wife in ours.
Don't mean to be preachy, but there is always hope for reconciliation no matter how awful the issues may seem.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:03:42 AM EDT
Good luck and my prayers are with you.
My wife and I had some problems earlier in our marriage and sought "proffessional help", my advice on this is stay away from christian counseling, I went and the counseler, counseled divorce, then asked my wife out on a date.
I dont think they are going to tell you anything you dont already know, but if it makes the wife happy go and participate. My wife has been giving me the stinkeye about spendimg too much time here.
I`ve been with my wife for 18 yrs. I`m happy too.  
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:06:46 AM EDT

Don't be to quick to discount seeing a marriage counseler. Opening a dialog with her and someone to moderate (no pun intended) may be the best way to get the marriage back on track.

It is, of course, possible she wants out completely. But if you love her as much as you say you've got to do/try anything/everything.

Good luck buddy. My prayers are with you.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:11:26 AM EDT
Her church has her "hidden" from me, but of course I know about "technology"...  She called my father from her "hiding place, so I immediately had him use *69 to retreive the number, then I went to www.411.com for a reverse lookup.  ([i]I'm smarter than them![/i])

Her pastor sat in my home last Monday evening and informed me that they (wife and Mother-in-Law[/i]) are Christians, and I'm not, so I wouldn't understand what she's going through...  He doesn't have a clue as to what's in my heart!

A major factor is her Mom, that has been living with us for years.  My wife thinks I'm obsessed with her time and try to be very possessive of it.  I just want the QUALITY time, that I see her giving the church and her Mom.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:13:18 AM EDT
Anti, That sucks.BTDT.This ain`t meant to be smart ass, so don`t take it that way, but you need to rethink the best friend/ soul mate stuff a little further. If that where the case, how did things deteriorate to her leaving? My guess would be comunication or lack there of, and unidentified interests and agenda`s. For it to work you need to establish a dialog. If she`s unwilling or counters with acusations, she`s hiding something and you`d be better to bail. In the mean time don`t do anything you would`nt want done to you. Best you can hope for in these situations is to maintain honor. Life is it`s own reward. Best of life to you.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:34:06 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:35:15 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:43:33 AM EDT
To dispell any thoughts of abuse ([i]emotional, physical or otherwise[/i]), there never has nor would ever be anything of the sort...  

I would die that my wife could live!
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:49:11 AM EDT
antiUSSA, I hope you and your wife stay together and grow deeper in love.  Continue to be the perfect gentleman through this emotionally trying time.  Because of the Lautenberg amendment you may wish to think about alternate storage for your firearms.  I'm not saying that your wife would seek a restraining order but I've read and heard too many stories of marriage difficulties to not suggest this possibility.  

FWIW, I can see why those who are not Christian look at Christians with a jaded view.  Christians in the USA don't impress me at all.  The situation you describe regarding your wife's church and family does not sit well with me.  Am I better than them?  No way, I'm guilty too.  But for the grace of God go I.  Every once in a while you can find someone who is not a hypocrite in the Christian church.  The Mrs. and I ask God frequently to help us not to be.  He gave me a second chance.  

We hope for the best in your situation,

Different and Mrs. Different

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:53:32 AM EDT
ANTI your post about the church hiding her is SCARY. I hate people and churches that help split marriages, that pisses me off. F`ing self righteous plicks, "I`m right, you`re wrong, my way or no way" stuff gets the hair on the back of my neck way up.
That`s a horse of a different color, I dont know all the details but my best guess is religous brainwashing. Unless you join her way of thinking or she yours then you truly do have a problem that will tough to overcome.
This is the toughest of marriage problems. Did she get into this church recently? What type of church is it?
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 7:54:19 AM EDT
Because of the Lautenberg amendment you may wish to think about alternate storage for your firearms.  I'm not saying that your wife would seek a restraining order but I've read and heard too many stories of marriage difficulties to not suggest this possibility
View Quote

Believe me, that's a real touchy subject since I'm am FFL... and she knows exactly what that would entail.

Besides, where do you hide nearly $75,000 in firearms..?  ([i]Sorry -- applications for volunteers are NOT currently being accepted![/i])
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 8:01:53 AM EDT
antiUSSA, yes, you have a very delicate situation on your hands.  We will pray for you.

Different and Mrs. Different
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 8:02:22 AM EDT
anti, it looks like the church and mother-inlaw are brainwashing her. i have seen it happen to a friend. he got to her just in time.
the church does it to keep membership up in a time when membership is way down.

good luck to you !!!
it takes a lot of balls to admit what you have. i wouldn't.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 8:12:08 AM EDT

Here's my opinion of the situation (for what it's worth, sorry if it is not what you want to hear).

1.  I would venture a guess that in the absence of abuse, etc.  the "Church" is hiding her from you as part of a brainwashing scheme (sorry to put it bluntly, but that is probably what it amounts to).  Your Mom in Law and the Pastor probably are extreme zealots and are afraid for her "soul" if she stays with you (as a non-"christian").  So, they have her hidden away from your influence to make sure she will decide your way.

2.  I would try to contact her yourself.  If I am correct about the above, the longer she is without you being around, the more difficult it will be to get her back.

3. I am assuming from your brief description of the conversation with the pastor that the church or the pastor (at the least) are probably fringe elements of whatever Christian faith they profess.  If it is the entire church, you may have more difficulty.  If it is a fringe element of say the Methodists (not to pick on anyone in particular), you may be able to contact a central office about it.  Use words like "breaking the Christian covenant of marriage", "Sacred vows", etc.  The home office may put some pressure on the pastor to allow more contact.

4.  If they are hiding her or preventing her from contacting you, you may even want to discuss with the local PD if it qualifies as Kidnapping.  Even if it doesn't (I wouldn't storm in there demanding to press charges), the locals may send an officer out to make sure she is there of her own free will.  You never know, they may have had this problem before with the church.

5.  If a NEUTRAL councellor can be arranged, it may help a lot.  DON'T agree to a member of the church--that would only make matters worse (especially if it is the pastor).  

6.  In all honesty, and as much as it might hurt, it may be time to talk to an attorney.  If the church is as nuts as it seems, they may make serious allegations against you as part of the brainwashing.  Having already talked to an attorney (and possibly keeping him on retainer) may save you a lot of grief.

Now that I have said the bad stuff, I hope for you that it is only a little "growing pains" in your relationship.  Your wife may just be trying to reconcile her religious beliefs and your relationship (and not getting much help from your Mother in Law and her Pastor).  I do hope it works out for the best.  One positive sign is  if she should call you.  If she does, express your emotions the same way you did to us--it can only help.

Good luck, and my prayers are with you.

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 8:39:32 AM EDT
There are a lot of factors involved, and I won't get into them since it's not fair to her -- she can't have her day in court on here!

She did talk to G&B's brother this morning and has found a counselor that will be neutral and highly qualified.  Shge has a call into him and did state ([i]and promise[/i]) that she would CALL me as soon as she has something setup.  It should be sometime this afternoon, GOD willing.

I will go so far as to state that at least one couple from her church is very upset with her and the Pastor and is completely siding with me on the issues at hand.  This couple has only gotton to know me since this all took place last week, but has known my wife and been her "prayer partner" for a couple of years now. The primary issues affecting our marriage are NOT something that I have any control over, and the couple from her church seem to be the only ones that can see it.  

I have been drinking more and more lately, but that's only been a symptom of the cause -- no quality time with my wife. I do know that when I start drinking, I can't control it, so a couple of days ago, I poured several hundred dollars of rare blends and liqueors down the drain ([i]I had a very well stocked bar[/i]). This was done in an "attempt" to quit drinking altogether, and then I contacted AA!  If my drinking bothers her and is a problem, then I'll gladly remove that from the equation altogether so we can move forward to deal with the other issues accordingly.

I love her enough to willingly desire to become whatever she wants me to be, without hesitation. I will not however, join her church!
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 8:52:55 AM EDT
Dear AntiUSSR,
It sounds to me as though your wife has turned to her church/pastor for support.
A Christian Pastor should not try to separate a husband and wife. No Godly Christian church should hide a wife from her husband unless there is evidence of physical abuse.
There are many passages in the Bible that address the sanctity of Marrage.
Ask her to read 1 Corinthians 7:13-16, and see what her response is. If she is a real believing Christian, she will submit to the Word.
But if there are other issues that she has, and she wants to go to a counselor, then go with her as a demonstration of your committment to her and your marriage.
I will pray that the Lord will touch you and  your wife and strengthen the love that was there when you married and that your marriage will survive this test.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 8:54:33 AM EDT
Parents living with you is tough.  They require (demand, whether vebally or not) time.  I know, my wife's dad lived with us awhile before his death, and there was a toll on the relationship between me and my wife, both physically and mentally.  My parents are living with us now, and again there is a strain.  We learned from the first time and now know how to make more time (as little as it is) for ourself, and to separate their needs from our needs.

You seem to have a little different situation with the friction between you and your mother-in-law, and your wife's time.  I can only offer that "my thoughts are with you."

Good luck.  If you need another ear, you know my e:mail and phone number.

Take care.  
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 9:04:24 AM EDT

Hang in there brother... I'm glad DonR's been talking to you... I'd bet he probably gave you the same advice he gave me a while back when Amanda and I were fueding!  "Be the man that she fell in love with once again"...  Doesnt mean you have to "change", just dig down deep to find yourself again.

That's what I had to do, I told Amanda I never left, just kinda got lost in myself for a while... The other thing I had to do was look in the mirror of my innerself, sometimes you may not like what you see in the reflection.

Send me an e-mail if you want or need to chat sometime...

Prayer already said,
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 9:05:33 AM EDT
Anti,  Sometimes Gods blessings come in unattractive packages, keep your faith in his guideing hands and he'll deliver you from any pain. Remember this , his love for you is 100 times greater than your love for her.  my $0.02

Take care buddy.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 9:09:08 AM EDT
Dude, that sucks!!! Hope everything works out. As dizzyrooster said God has strange ways of showing his blessings. Chin up and take care.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 9:11:23 AM EDT

 I haven't been here for a long time. However, my heart ached as I read of the things you are going through.
 I don't understand  what your wife and her "pastor" are doing. Their actions seem to contradict what they profess to believe.
 I do applaud your choice of leaving the alcohol. "It" really does not offer anything good in this situation. Now is a time for clear thinking and not reacting with emotion.(Which is the hardest thing in the world to do for me!)
 After your wife has had some time to "cool down" hopefully she will sort things out in a "CHRISTIAN" way.
 You are in my prayers.

 Stay clean!O:)

Uncle Al
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 9:33:53 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 10:10:28 AM EDT
There's practically no way to win when you're up against the church. I've found in organized religion that the leaders are usually VERY closed minded and somehow they know everything. Even if you get everything worked out perfectly, there's a strong chance you'll be "taking her away from the church", which they'll see as you "pulling her away from God".
What a nightmare.

I truly wish there was something I could do, anti. Unfortunately, there's not much even you can do for now, except to keep your outlook healthy and concentrate on yourself for a while. Don't change who you are for anyone. Stay strong and if it's God's will that the two of you reconcile, then it will happen.

I saw this coming when we were in the chatroom the night she salled the Police on you. You'd been drinking and had some colorful things to say about her. It feels a little different now, doesn't it? Try to lay off the alcohol, for yourself not for her. If you think you have a problem with it, then do your best to stay clear of the drink. Confide in your existing friends, and us if you need to, but try not to make any big decisions like joining AA and turning your life around or whatever. The last thing you need is a crutch and someone brainwashing you, like the church is doing to your wife.
...My $0.02...

I'll keep you in my prayers, anti. Really.
-Cory, aka TREETOP
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 10:19:24 AM EDT
I gave up alcohol over a year ago and it has been a dramatic change in my life since, for the better.
Thats my opinion of course I could be wrong.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 10:29:26 AM EDT

All I will say here is YOU HAVE MAIL.

DavidT / DTHOR
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 11:37:50 AM EDT
Anti I have been through the same thing myself. Keep your wits and manipulate the
Christian angle to your advantage.

Have a sit down with her and her pastor. Ask him where in Christian dogma it let s woman who knew you were not a Christian when she took her vows out of her responsibility to cleave to her husband when she took those vows in frot of God and the church. She thought as many women do that showing by example would of course change you. Women always think they can change men it is the mothering instinct to try and heal a wouded animal. We don't intand to change we told them we were never going to change, then when we don't change they women do not understand why not.

You need to goto a Christian based counselor not an impartial one. This way they can lay the guilt trip on your wife that she is breaking her vows to God to stay loyal to you for life. Maybe here pastor is a flake but seek another Christian based counseling. Unless she can feel guilty for leaving you based upon here religion then nothing else will matter to her. You gotta get the fact that she is turning her back on here Christian vows first. Then she will be more receptive to any other reccomendations which are secondary.

The counselor is going to reccomend to you that you spend more time with her in her church activities. Just bite you tounge and attend some group functions. Be polite and keep quiet about your views. Mine was a baptist and they love to eat a lot.

Ok after the fact it is gonna take a long time for the stabbing in the back wound she gave you to heal. Trust will come back slowly and in my case is never complete blind trust she will be there again. Another thing is does is to harden your heart so that she will never have that kind of power over you again. If she comes back this time next time her threat of leaving will not carry the power it does this time. She will have lost that control over your spirit.

This is why it was 8 yrs after the fact before I would consent to have a child. She was not worthy of trusting someone elses life with the type of commitment a child brings into the picture.  I am at 18yrs since this happened and I still don't trust her down to her deepest core. Just waiting till the age of lunacy sets in now to see if I can stay in the mix.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 11:43:43 AM EDT

All our prayers are with you bud.

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 11:45:17 AM EDT
DH:  The counselor we have agreed to see, is a pastor of another church, but has very strong qualifications and credentials with counseling and was hired specifically for that reason.

As far as I'm concerned, divorce is NOT an option -- I don't believe in it and never have!
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 11:58:30 AM EDT
Anti my man, that sucks ass. I truly wish you the best.
Remember what "they" say.

""However it turns out, no matter how hard in the immediate, is always for the best in the long run.""

Stay tough dude. It'll be ok.

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 12:31:50 PM EDT
I've been through the same thing, GOOD LUCK.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 12:43:56 PM EDT
Mail call, anti...
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 12:54:32 PM EDT
I wish ya luck man.  Been through a few break ups myself.  Never with a wife though.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 1:07:11 PM EDT
Good luck Anti.......

Dave Hineline......been reading your posts for 2 years now and all I gotta say is ......holy shit, you DO have a heart [:)]
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 1:10:25 PM EDT
She just called...

She just told me that we are scheduled to begin counseling on March 5th. She also agreed to let me take her to dinner this evening.  [O:)]
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 1:13:11 PM EDT
Quarter Pounders and Fish sandwiches are only .99 cents at McDonalds!

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 1:34:41 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 1:41:17 PM EDT
Good luck. I've been through 2 divorces and many relationships, so my advice won't do you any good (it would be something like: GET LOADED to the MAX!!!)
And of course, you don't want to do THAT...
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 1:56:13 PM EDT
Quarter Pounders and Fish sandwiches are only .99 cents at McDonalds!

View Quote

i know your just joking, but show some respect,
this isn't a joke to anti.
she is probably reading this.

take her to her favorite place, be real nice (like i need to tell you that), and keep a level head. blowing your top would only work against you.

good luck bro !!!
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 2:26:39 PM EDT
Good luck this evening, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 2:36:37 PM EDT
May the Peace of the Lord be with you.

Just remember, you could always have it worse.
You could find out tomorrow that you have cancer or a Brain Tumor or worse...

Be thankfull for the Years that you were happy together.

Link Posted: 2/26/2001 3:28:16 PM EDT
I'd give up my AR's for my wif......uh, well.

Seriously, good luck, god bless.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 3:36:44 PM EDT
Just got home from dinner...

I felt like a giddy schoolgirl on prom-night! Aside from that, everything went great and she agreed o see me again next weekend.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 3:36:49 PM EDT
 You know Kelley and I are behind you 110%. Call us and let us know how it went. Best of luck, Lil Brother.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 4:02:36 PM EDT
You're in our prayers bud!
Having ANY relatives living with you that's outside your wife and kids is always stressful on a relationship. I'm sure there's more to it, but that's your own personal business.
Bless you and your wife, and I hope it works out for the both of you.
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 4:24:02 PM EDT
Rock on Anti!!!!!
Link Posted: 2/26/2001 4:49:19 PM EDT
I've been working so much, I haven't been on here in months, But I am indeed sorry to come back to this news. You're in my prayers. Just to let you know how grief comes in multiples, my wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer.
let's see, there's Anti. and me, who's #3?
Life sucks.
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