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Posted: 6/5/2001 8:11:31 AM EST
[Last Edit: 6/5/2001 8:10:28 AM EST by garandman]
[i]TASTEFULNESS ADVISORY: Do not read this column if you are eating, or plan to eat ever again. Thank you. [/i] (Source Unknown) Recently I watched as a professional engineer attempted to flush fermented bean curd down a toilet. This was not some fun engineer prank. This was a laboratory test conducted at the research center of the National Association of Home Builders, which is trying to develop a laboratory test for toilet performance that simulates the challenges faced by toilets in the real world. This research is necessary because Americans are unhappy with the wimpy toilets we are now required to buy. We yearn for the glory years, when our toilets were among the most powerful on earth -- when the standard American household commode could, in a single flush, as proven in actual tests, suck down a mature sheep. (Before I get a lot of mail from angry animal-rights activists, let me stress that these tests did NOT use an actual sheep. That would be barbaric! They used two goats tied together.) But then, in 1992, the U.S. Congress -- instead of passing a law that would actually benefit ordinary Americans, such as a mandatory death penalty for telemarketers -- decided to cripple our toilets. Specifically, Congress passed a law limiting new toilets to 1.6 gallons of water per flush, less than half what the old toilets used. In terms of power and studliness, our toilets went from being the Baltimore Ravens to being Barry Manilow. (Before I get a lot of mail from angry Barry Manilow fans, let me stress that, as a musician and a performer, he sounds like two goats tied together.) The new toilets were supposed to save water. And they work OK when it comes to disposing of what is euphemistically referred to as ``Number One.'' The problem is that, when they must dispose of what is euphemistically referred to as ``Geraldo,'' they tend to clog, and they often must be flushed repeatedly, which actually wastes water. (Before I get a lot of mail from angry Geraldo fans, let me stress that there ARE no Geraldo fans.) So anyway, the plumbing and homebuilding industries have gotten many complaints about the new toilets. That's why the National Association of Home Builders has been trying to come up with a real-world toilet test, so we'll know which, if any, toilets actually work, so consumers can buy these and get rid of the bad toilets, which will then be dropped from bombers onto the U.S. Capitol. OK, that last part is a fantasy (for now). But the NAHB really is doing serious toilet research, as I learned when I was given a tour of its Maryland research facility by Larry Zarker, Chuck Arnold and Tom Kenney. They showed me a laboratory where test toilets are mounted on a frame; the procedure is, you put your test material into the bowl, flush, then see how much material makes it through to a wire collection basket underneath. (Kids: This would be a GREAT science-fair project!)
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:12:03 AM EST
(cont.) Kenney first showed me the current test standard, in which the toilet is supposed to flush 100 little plastic balls. There are two problems with this test. One is that anybody who emits anything like 100 little plastic balls doesn't need a better toilet; he needs immediate medical care. The other problem is that the test is WAY too easy. ``Any toilet in the world can pass it,'' said Kenney. He then showed me some of the tougher, more-realistic tests being considered. These involve various materials, including wads of paper and sponges, both weighted and unweighted, to simulate what the NAHB refers to as ``sinkers'' and ``floaters.'' But the most impressive test material, by FAR, is the fermented bean curd, which Kenney said is made, using a secret recipe, by the Toto toilet company of Japan, a world leader in commode innovation. I mean, this stuff looks EXACTLY like real Geraldo. I myself would not touch it. I watched in fascinated horror as Kenney boldly grasped a mass of it and, with his bare hands, formed 10 incredibly lifelike Puff Daddies. Needless to say, these clogged the test toilet. I was deeply moved by this experience. I came away convinced that these engineers will, some day, develop a test that will enable us, as a nation, to once again have faith in our commodes. When that day comes, I want to shake the hands of the courageous researchers who made it possible. But first they will have to wash up.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:27:14 AM EST
One solution to the water saving toilets would be to line up all up at the range and wack 'em with 55 grainers [:D]
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:32:39 AM EST
Through the use of mix and match aftermarket parts mine does an automatic double tap.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:39:21 AM EST
They should make it mandatory for a plunger be included with all of those stupid low flush toilets.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:44:08 AM EST
Originally Posted By Imbrog|io: They should make it mandatory for a plunger be included with all of those stupid low flush toilets.
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I can see you've gone over to the Dark Side, Luke.... Enact ANOTHER law to fix their FIRST crappy (no pun intended) / Marxist law??? Seriously - I've got these somewhat hideous bright blue fixtures in my bathroom, including the john. I considered replacing it, but decided NO WAY. I like my hi-cap toilet. It flushes first time EVERY time, and the fact that it pisses off a liberal is gravy....
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:46:56 AM EST
My water saving toilet came with a little plastic bowl around the bottom valve. I cut slots in the plastic bowl all the way to the bottom of the tank. I have a super flusher now.[:D] I know how to test a toilet, but you can't check it out afterwards.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:53:51 AM EST
[Last Edit: 6/5/2001 5:27:19 PM EST by gardenWeasel]
[Mcedited] "HEY KIDS, !!! flush twice... it's a long way to McDonalds."
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 8:59:32 AM EST
GW you just modified your post ban into a preban-you are going to jail. My uncle has one of them new toilets-too a dump in the bastard (toilet) and had to flush 5 TIMES!!! boy , that really is saving the water. Heck, it wasnt even one of my larger colon downloads either...[xx(] Information overload
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 9:17:56 AM EST
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 9:21:37 AM EST
Remember FULL AUTO-FLUSH SEARS are illegal. [:D]
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 9:31:40 AM EST
Originally Posted By raf: Didn't Al Gore dump these things on us?
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Yup. And then he watched his chance at the presidency "circle the bowl." (pun intended)
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 9:36:28 AM EST
I once worked with a guy that could clog a pre-ban. I don't know what he was eating, but every morning he would turn the can into a biohazard. Nobody would go in for at least an hour. Then several flushes were needed to clear the "obstruction".
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 9:41:24 AM EST
modifications can be made to any toilet... a secondary tank could also be used.... or how about a compost toilet.. Hell that should really make em happy! http://www.compostingtoilet.com/
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 10:21:58 AM EST
I heard that there is actually a black market for these toilets, as well as smugglers bringing them in from Canada. Nice use of my F**KING tax$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 10:25:13 AM EST
Cleatus GW you just modified your post ban into a preban-you are going to jail.
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Yeah, I keep waiting for the BTR to raid my home any minute. Bureau of Toilets and Restrooms.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 10:50:52 AM EST
Yeah, but the modification of standard capacity tanks to accomodate high-capacity flushes is a violation of 922r. Pre-ban toilets are nice, but the price on them is going through the ceiling. My toilet is a pre-ban, high-volume rig. Threaded accessory options, lugged, pistol grip, and full-auto mode. "Molon Lavatory . . . " [moon]
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 11:10:38 AM EST
PowderBurns: Why did you decide on the full auto toilet? I thought that a burst toilet kit would best suit my needs, so as any young children or old geezers wouldnt get themselves sucked into the crapper. Sometimes 3 flushes is too much, sometimes its too little, but thats the price I pay for not having to worry about my visitors being sucked down the tube. Kharn
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 11:24:58 AM EST
OK I checked with Janet Reno and post ban toilets may have no more than one of the following features. (1) bicycle handlebars "conspicuously protruding" (2) vacuum flush assist of any type (3) tank shorter than 16" (4) AUTO-FLUSH disconnector or SEAR (5) hard chromed bowl (hey its not my rule) (6) mounting lug for magazine rack (7) turbo exhaust system of any make (8) anything teflon coated (remember cop killer bullets)
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 11:57:12 AM EST
*Sigh* Here we are, the last, best hope of our nation, and we've all gone scatty-boo.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 12:00:38 PM EST
As far as I know, you can still bring toilets across the canadian border, openly. If you can find a Binford 747 Turbo Toilet Kit buy one before their banned.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 12:08:51 PM EST
Originally Posted By rainman: As far as I know, you can still bring toilets across the canadian border, openly.
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Didn't Al Bundy do that once? He had a plan to sell a few black market toilets to make new car money...
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 12:52:21 PM EST
Originally Posted By raf: Didn't Al Gore dump these things on us?
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Al Gore invented toilets.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 6:03:25 PM EST
Since were talking about toilets. I'll tell you a quick story. Years ago I was stationed in Japan not far from Hiroshima. My girl and I would spend many weekends in hotels. At one place we stayed early in our relationship they had western (American) style toilets. There was instructions written in Japanese with a stick figure demonstrating both ways to use it. Being young and unworldly at the time I was very amused by this. I peeled the instruction sticker off and kept it to show my friends. That was 1984 and I still have it.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 6:13:46 PM EST
Man, what a sh!tty topic. {couldn't resist} In all honesty, if it's a good brand {like American Standard or Kohler} and IF IT IS INSTALLED PROPERLY it will work fine. Most of the residential plumbing work I've seen is crap. {couldn't resist that either.}
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 6:20:40 PM EST
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 6:27:50 PM EST
Garandman - This one was great - It's strange that you brought this up as my wife today mentioned about getting the new "style" toilets, now known as "Post-Ban" Toilets. I just got through printing out the whole forum of which she is now reading. The field that I work in (known in California as the "oilfield") as units that will injest anything, including 4 goats tied together with full battle packs. They have something like a garbage grinder of which grinds the "effluient" into little pieces of then which is sent to an electronic grid of which turns salt water into clorine and then over the side it goes. I think the "Mafia" holds the patent on this device. The only problem with the "Crapper Zapper" is possibly corn on cob kernels.
Link Posted: 6/5/2001 6:43:55 PM EST
Two words - Courtesy Flush. - Learn it, Use it.
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