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Posted: 8/29/2015 9:42:33 AM EDT
Mine:

"Me and my friend were drunk after a day working a dairy farm, we saw a bull and decided it would be a good idea to ride it. I ended up with a broken collar bone and Billy got thrown into a fence pole."
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:43:46 AM EDT
Grab me another beer.


Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:45:04 AM EDT
"i cant" is not part of your vocabulary  

Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:45:36 AM EDT
"All women are crazy.  It's just a matter of how much crazy you're willing to put up with."

and,

"Wrap that rascal."
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:45:53 AM EDT
Dad: I used to have a great puppy.
Me: what happened to it?
Dad: i traded him for you beacuse i felt bad that your family was homeless.....i wish i still had the puppy
Me:
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:46:37 AM EDT
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working
A word to the wise is sufficient
Don't do anything that would ruin the family name.
if you're on time you are late

He had a ton of old sayings that he would roll out on us but I am drawing a blank
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:47:25 AM EDT
"Do what I say, not what I do"

me: "I want -insert toy-"
dad:  "Sure, we'll get you two of those"
Still waiting
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:48:26 AM EDT
He would love me no matter what, unless I was gay.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:48:45 AM EDT
Stay out of the San Diego jail, the windows are too high to look out.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:50:20 AM EDT
Don't be lazy
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:50:39 AM EDT
"One dog's puke is another dog's steak."
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:51:28 AM EDT
"If you're gonna smoke keep it below the window."


Age 11, first cigarette.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:52:12 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By tc556guy:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working
View Quote

Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:53:46 AM EDT
"If you want to know what your girlfriend or wife will look like when she is older, look at her mother".

"Don't go looking for trouble with anyone, but if anyone starts it with you, knock the ever living fuck out of them."







Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:53:56 AM EDT
Walk down the middle of the road, and if you see a stick, assume it will kill you.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:38 AM EDT
"Hush, your voice will travel down the line scare off the fish."

Now that I have my own jabbermouths to take fishing with me I know why he said that.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:40 AM EDT
A bunch of lies. He has told them so many times he believes them and has become a legend in his own mind and to the naive. Sad actually.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:45 AM EDT
Monkey see- Monkey do.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:50 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/29/2015 9:57:00 AM EDT by Nicodareus]
When I was in high school:

If you go to jail, you can call me to come pick you up.  Doesn't mean I will, but you can still call.

If you're drunk, don't be a dumbass and drive. Call me and I'll pick you up.  We'll talk about the drunk thing the next day.

Don't ever start a fight.  Feel free to finish one though.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:51 AM EDT
"Don't write checks you ass can't cash"
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:59:02 AM EDT
If you don't eat you can't poop.

If you don't poop you're going to die.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 9:59:06 AM EDT
Not Dad but Grandpa (while Grandma couldn't hear)

Boy, (called all his grandsons "Boy"), here's what you need to do: Get yourself hooked up with one of those old widows on Palm Beach; she'll have a nice house, buy you a nice car, and maybe get you a nice job in one of her dead husband's companies. You'll just have to be on her arm at social events and give her the lovin a couple times a month; but turn the lights off. Best part is, she'll expect you to be out chasing fine young tail in the fancy car she bought you and won't care because she'll only have it in her to do it a couple times a month and if you do it right you'll inherit everything when she croaks. I'm serious Boy, who needs all that dating bullshit.

I was like 20 at the time, he was dead serious, I did not take this advise

RIP Gramps
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:00:45 AM EDT
"Son, did I ever tell you not to get married?...."
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:03:00 AM EDT
Always take a piss after sex.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:03:32 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By vand6167:

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Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By vand6167:
Originally Posted By tc556guy:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working



It's not hard to understand for a man with work ethics....
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:05:42 AM EDT
Dad:

If you ever get arrested, don't waste your 1 phone call calling me.

Get a fat girl, they'll work really hard to make you happy.

Ask the prettiest girls out, all the guys are afraid to get rejected, so they never get to go out.

When you turn 18, you're getting luggage and a bus ticket.

Condoms. Don't make me a grandpa before you're married.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:09:07 AM EDT
If you shake it more then twice you're playing with it.



If you don't get caught, it doesn't count.



When I was around 30yo and my parents had been divorced for 12 years, "You should know by now your mom is crazy. Been that way since I married her, and always will be..."
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:09:18 AM EDT
As he is having my mom cut off the long hair down to my shoulders.

"If you don't look like a juvenile delinquent you won't be one"


It worked oddly enough, but I wasn't "happy" being a bad kid anyway, it was an excuse to straighten up.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:10:22 AM EDT
Anyone who can't be to work on time must not need the job.    The general public is pretty damn dumb.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:11:09 AM EDT
"I'll never lie to you, or break a promise."   He never has as far as I know.

I do the same for my kids.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:11:12 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By MikeE23666:
"If you want to know what your girlfriend or wife will look like when she is older, look at her mother".

"Don't go looking for trouble with anyone, but if anyone starts it with you, knock the ever living fuck out of them."







Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile
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My old man used to say that all the time too.    

When I got my driver's license, before he turned me loose that first Friday night he said "Just remember to respect your elders, don't tear up other people's shit and most importantly, if you get thrown in jail just remember that I didn't get you in and I'm not getting you out.  Otherwise have fun and be safe."  That "Don't get thrown in jail" bit always stuck with me because I damn well knew he meant it!
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:11:53 AM EDT
Guard your honor, it can't be regrown.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:14:56 AM EDT
Hey, smoke up Johnny.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:16:46 AM EDT
Son...you can only rent beer...
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:19:04 AM EDT
Him: Are you stupid?
Me: No
Him: Then act like it!
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:19:13 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Twisted10:
"i cant" is not part of your vocabulary  

View Quote
This.

My father was a band director. On the back wall of his band hall was a huge banner reading: "YES, YOU CAN."
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:21:01 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/29/2015 10:23:23 AM EDT by tc556guy]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By vand6167:

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Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By vand6167:
Originally Posted By tc556guy:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working



To understand the man, read what I posted here

http://www.ar15.com/forums/t_1_5/1781770_Tell_us_a_good_story_about_your_parents.html&page=2#i55314364

It explains why he believes what he believes
He is 77 years old and still working, refuses to draw social security because he doesn't believe in it, etc
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:22:22 AM EDT
We fished a lot together years ago when I was very young. I can still hear him when I would get a mess in my line from the old spinning reels ......"Jeeeeezus Christ". Makes me smile when I recall those times, especially when I would catch myself saying it to my own kids.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:23:28 AM EDT
"See that box (pointing at the TV)?  It's not real."

One of the smartest lessons I ever learned.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:24:20 AM EDT
"Life is going to kick the shit of you." Probably the most valuable lesson he ever taught me.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:25:39 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By tc556guy:


To understand the man, read what I posted here

http://www.ar15.com/forums/t_1_5/1781770_Tell_us_a_good_story_about_your_parents.html&page=2#i55314364

It explains why he believes what he believes
He is 77 years old and still working, refuses to draw social security because he doesn't believe in it, etc
View Quote View All Quotes
View All Quotes
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By tc556guy:
Originally Posted By vand6167:
Originally Posted By tc556guy:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working



To understand the man, read what I posted here

http://www.ar15.com/forums/t_1_5/1781770_Tell_us_a_good_story_about_your_parents.html&page=2#i55314364

It explains why he believes what he believes
He is 77 years old and still working, refuses to draw social security because he doesn't believe in it, etc


You should try to remind him it's HIS money that's been stolen from him his entire life
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:25:48 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/29/2015 10:26:29 AM EDT by Fella]
A girl brought some Mexican cookies to school for treat day when I was little.

https://www.google.com/#q=mexican+marshmallow+cookie

I wanted to buy some next time we went to walmart. He said; "Those aren't safe to eat. The Mexicans that make them don't use toilet paper. They use their hands to wipe and don't wash them so they have shit all over their hands and clothes when they work at the factory."

He said that when I was 7 and it didn't dawn on me till I was 23 that I could buy those and he was racist. They are made in America anyway, atleast that brand was. Our last name is Spanish but he hates dark people.

"If you sleep more than 4 hours a night you need to file for welfare and give up on life. You ain't gonna make it son."

"Life sucks, it hurts, and then you die. Now get the fuck back to digging." He told me that when I was 7 or 8 and my hands started bleeding from running the manual diggers.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:26:00 AM EDT
"How you think is far more important than how you look."


He also never told me I looked pretty, but he'd praise the hell out of my intellectual accomplishments.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:26:29 AM EDT
Get an education. Its the only thing that cant be taken away from you.
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:26:37 AM EDT
Better shot at and missed, than shit at and hit
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:30:33 AM EDT
Here...hold this...hands me a fully charged ignition capacitor that proceeded to knock me dick stiff...first lesson in mechanics...shit will hurt you fast...
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:33:19 AM EDT
"If you can't drive a stick, you can't drive" a metaphor for many things

"Only prey are afraid of the dark"

"Boots and a hat don't make you a cowboy"

"Quitting is for pussies"

Regarding handshakes

"A man who squeezes too hard has something to hide"
"A limp handshake is a sign of disrespect "

"A fake laugh says a lot about a person, avoid them"

Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:40:04 AM EDT
"I wanted to get married and travel the world. Your mother had... other plans..."

(I was born 11 months after they got married)
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:40:42 AM EDT
Teeth that are paid for, fit better....
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:42:35 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Krashdog:

You should try to remind him it's HIS money that's been stolen from him his entire life
View Quote


He knows
My whole life growing up I had to hear his comments about having to pay the full shot because he was self employed
Link Posted: 8/29/2015 10:44:23 AM EDT
Never kiss hookers.

Don't trust whitey.
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